Feb 8, 2012
seen from Spain
seen from Japan
seen from China
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Iraq
seen from Spain
seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Spain
seen from Iraq
seen from Yemen
seen from China
seen from Spain
seen from Russia
seen from Slovenia
seen from Spain
seen from Kazakhstan
seen from United States
seen from Slovenia
Mailing my Valentine's today. They get sent to my grandmother, aunts, a few cousins, and my very best friends who are still unattached.
I seem to be gravitating towards red & pink clothes for the holiday.
We upgraded our internet & now it hasn't worked for THREE DAYS
This is an excuse for me to drink a lot of coffee in coffee shops for WiFi
Making myself NOT Google this cute guy I met this weekend so I don't obsess
Making myself NOT analyze the message he sent me (too much)
I'm getting to pray with one of my extreme heros in the faith for three hours
Deciding if I am going to Nashvegas this weekend
Looking forward to a party tonight at my friends' house
I'm seriously considering eyelash extensions. Love them.
My life is being changed in a theology class studying Christ this semester
I love beautiful things.
This year, I want to write more and work more at my desk instead of from my bed.
This makes me want to dream. One of my focuses for the next few months is to create a work space that I would get excited about sitting down to work.
Romance Ruin
Sometimes NOT being afraid to ruining a romance that is already not working is the healthiest decision.
I was reading an article in Inc. Magazine and this great quote jumped out at me from Chris Mittelstaedt's story about his father taking a sledgehammer to a car that seemed totaled so it could be driven again. This was an article on business but I read it and saw RELATIONSHIP. Particularly mine.
"When he was finished he looked at me and said: 'If you want to salvage something out of a bad situation, you’ve got to be realistic. Readjust your thinking to the situation. And don’t be afraid to break stuff if you have to—especially if it is already broken'."
As people "in love", we are often afraid to make changes or ask for what we believe really needs to change for us to feel valued, cared for or just plain LOVED. We are afraid to upset the balance of the romance's ship...even if it is just a one-sided love.
Stepping out is strong and continuing to stay in a situation that is NOT working is seriously detrimental to your self-esteem, heart, and well-being. STOP. Okay, that is easier said than done but it is amazing how hard we work to protect what is sick and dying or killing us on the inside than take the chance to change things and let the relationship really live. It is already badly broken. Either they don't love you back or they are not treating you well...whatever it is that is making you so very unhappy and causing your family and friends to BEG you to get that person out of your life (RED FLAG) IS serious and not working. Do you need to salvage this if you knew that someone or something better is waiting for you on the other side.
For me, something better was finally allowing myself to be VERY SINGLE. The guys I loved weren't loving me back. They showered me with gifts, praise, time and attention when it was convenient for them but they didn't make me feel loved, valued and cared for because I need more. I decided these things had to happen in a relationship:
1. Facebook Official - If I am still single on Facebook don't call me every day
2. Built in Dates - I shouldn't have to go places without a date
3. Tell Me I am Pretty - Easy enough because I am. If you don't think so...leave. I don't want a BFF.
4. Do some things you don't want to do just because I want to do them.
5. Prioritize Me Not just when it is ridiculously convenient.
6. Take The time to Listen to Me And not just talk
7. Your Friends Should Know You are Crazy About me
8. A majority of my friends should enjoy you.
I decided not to worry that I'd never find someone else as good or not have someone to care about me. The things that matter to me are very important and it is either something the guy I like can do or not do. Taking a stand for what matters to you in a relationship may make you afraid of breaking something between you but it helps to realize that it's already broken... You never know if you'll be salvaging something between the two of you or salvaging yourself for someone who will treat you well.
UpDATE
Update on #GorgeouslyHandsome:
After not hearing from him for a week and a half other than a comment on a Facebook photo, I broke down and texted him. I KNOW, I KNOW!! My best friend told me not to do it but to wait and him pursue me but I thought I had a really great reason. (Don't you ALWAYS! Haha.)
He lives in the same town as my parents and, since I am here visiting for a week thanks to an injury, I thought sending him a quick text to let him know I was in town would be a great idea. I had visions of us watching movies together and having coffee at Starbucks while my sprain healed.
He was traveling to another city for a long weekend when I got his text. He was very chatty and we texted back and forth for a bit but it probably wasn't the best idea. Then again, how horrible would it have been if we'd been in the same town for a week and I hadn't bothered to contact him? Okay, I feel better about texting now!
I know I have some other things to work out in my heart and this funny, laid back #GorgeouslyHandsome guy may just be a reminder of how much fun being pursued by a attractive man who is into me and I enjoy being with can be. OR he is a guy that I could really like getting to know better...
Praying
I told myself that I wouldn't take his call. He hasn't called me since he's been back in the country on Monday night. I got one text from him on Wednesday asking me how I was and then no response when I replied back. You'd think if he was concerned about how I was doing and then heard that I was sick and not doing well that he'd bother to respond.
I am trying to learn how to walk in forgiveness. It is easy to say that you live a lifestyle of forgiveness yet each situation has to be dealt with very specifically. I am forgiving him for not prioritizing me in the midst of a crazy work week for him on top of being out of the country the week before. However, it doesn't make me feel good to be pushed aside at a time when I have been in bed for four weeks and when I needed him. Before he left the country things were hard. There was one night that he shattered my feelings. I have spent so much time with him listening.
I know I can't keep living like this. He has broken my heart with neglect and then picks me back up when it is convenient for him. I absolutely must forgive him. I don't want to be held in bondage by my own unforgiveness and sin. I just wonder if I explain to him that he's hurt me and why I am phasing him out of my life. Or if I just do it. To continue like this is to deny my own value and self worth which I don't want to compromise. I've done that too much in the past.
I want to be gracious and loving yet protect myself at the same time. Saying that he has hurt me feels like I am begging for attention yet the truth is, if he cares for me at all, he should care how he's crushed my affection.
He called me at midnight coming home from speaking. At first, I didn't take the call because so much resentment and hurt was rising up inside of me. Then I felt awful for not picking up. I called him back and he made me feel worse. He asked me how I was and then talked about himself only to cut me off to take a phone call from his dad. When he switched back over to me, he told me he had to go because his father had been in a wreck and, while he was okay, he needed to talk to him. Then he asked me, "Are you doing any better?" I told him that I wasn't because that is the absolute truth and not because I wanted him to stay on the phone. He prayed for me and then told me he'd call me on Sunday. That is TWO DAYS from now.
I know he had a family emergency. I am not crazy and I should understand but I always have to understand for everything recently. And combined with no phone call from him when I am used to hearing from him a few times a week it compounds the hurt. Ministry work is the priority in his life which would be fine if he didn't manage to make me feel tossed aside in the midst of it when he gets busy. I tried to work around it a few months ago and offer to drive him to and from the airport on his trips. I would leave after dropping him off feeling physically sick from hurt. I feel like I am giving more than he gives. And that is a sickening feeling because you realize it is that he doesn't want to give it.
Getting Lit: Revisited
My mostly God-uninterested book club is going to read The Shack next August. I haven't even read The Shack!
I didn't bring it up and I'm pretty amazed it made the cut for next year's reading list. This came up in the same conversation in which someone seriously requested that we read a Harlequin novel.
God is really good. Half of the girls actually owned it because their mother or grandmother gave it to them as a gift in the hopes they would read it. I love the way God loves His girls.