#sparrow-hearted

[sparrowhearted]

I can feel shedding season settling in again. It's like your bones are growing too big for your body, and you want to shed off your clothes, your skin, everything that feels too much and too tight and too old. I want to run off into the forest and never come back.

The hard part about this process is remembering it's about gently laying down what no longer serves me, instead of thinking all parts of me are doomed to die because I want something that is not me to become me, thus repeating the whole process without learning a damn thing.

Grass isn't greener on the other side, only where you water it, and all that jazz.

[sparrowhearted]

reading choices!

i was tagged by the lovely @rosewaterhag ♥

i’m tagging @liminalblessings, @alaskanlesbian, @winebrightruby, @shelovessoftly, @passerculustitio + anyone else who wants to do it!! also feel free to not do the meme if you do not wish to.

♥ ♥ ♥

hardcover or paperback / rent or buy / reads in silence or reads with music / standalone or series / annotations or pristine pages / ebook or physical copy / dog ears or bookmarks / mismatched series or complete set / cover matters or you don’t judge / lend books or keep them to yourself / enjoys lit classes or despises them / browses shops or orders online / reads reviews or goes in blind / unreturned books or clean library record / rereads or once was enough / fanfic enthusiast or a stickler for canon / deep reader or easily distracted / must read the book before seeing the movie or order doesn’t matter / has neat bookshelves or messy bookshelves / skips ahead or resists temptation / reads aloud or in your head / guesses plot twists or never sees them coming

[sparrowhearted]

Alas the plan yesterday fell through in fabric shopping so I could try sewing for the first time to make myself a skirt, but it was a good evening nonetheless. We got supplies for other projects, and spent time with a mutual friend just talking and hanging out. My girlfriend fed me blueberries by hand. I might be more than a little in love with her.

[sparrowhearted]

You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting - over and over announcing your place in the family of things.

Mary Oliver, “Wild Geese”

[sparrowhearted]

[sparrowhearted]

Thinking about my own headlessness lately: disassociation from body, dissociation from emotions, consumption and growth and starvation and learning to be still. How do I become myself if I've never walked the paths inside with my head on? Sometimes maybe you re-attach it with a ribbon and go for a stroll, or you cradle your head in your arms and walk through the undergrowth, letting it see for the first time.

[sparrowhearted]

@pieandhotdogs tagged me in this and I haven’t done a meme in ages so here we go sjdnncnd don’t judge me pls

my lock screen - last song played - last image saved

no obligation to do this btw! but i tag @valathun @lakehare and @atchiu-ruad !

[sparrowhearted]

I'm attempting, bit by bit, to slowly gain more control over my life. I'm learning to recognize behaviours that are the result of trying to cope with trauma. I'm trying to put more focus and weight on the things that will actually make me feel safe, secure, and at home.

Which is difficult as is to balance under late stage capitalism (even while living in Canada gives me a lot of benefits). I struggle to pay bills, to understand budgeting, to know how to clean things because I was never taught or able to watch my caregivers.

I look at the little gift given to me, a kernel of knowledge that upsets and confuses me, even if I'm told: you will be made the stronger for this. I am here to help you. You only have to learn to be you, and nothing else.

It's like learning how to live again from age 14 while I'm turning 32.