#spartaneity

[thepnc]

TYPES OF COLLEGE PROFESSORS

Over the course of my college career which has spanned from Boston University to Michigan State, I’ve run into plenty of professors. Some like to lecture vicariously through puppets. Some might just have taken their nursing home bus straight to class. Others know exactly what their students are going through and are as accommodating as possible.

One can only hope for a fair professor, but especially in higher education, the world is unforgiving. Here are some of the educators you can expect to meet in your journey to graduation.

The tyrant

Your grammar, research, and overall essay structure may be flawless according to all conventions of the English language...but as you can see from the 2.0 you’ll get on your paper, the tyrant doesn’t care. Her standing tenure with the history department entitles her to grade as she sees fit. After all, no one is sitting down in the classroom to evaluate her efficacy as an instructor. Get your pens ready, because reading off of a packet of notes that has existed, unchanged, since she started teaching 30 years ago is enough to convince MSU to dole out her 100K+ salary.

The left fielder

While the left fielder may delineate all of the chapters, review packets, and worksheets that will pertain to an upcoming exam for his students’ benefit, the left fielder is also full of shit. Questions from future material, important facts that the left fielder ‘forgot’ to mention in class, and algorithms from the prerequisite class you took 3 years ago are some of the curveballs waiting to crush your dreams of passing this exam.

The busy one

The busy one isn’t just working out of a textbook; she’s still on the frontlines of the industry. While she may be able to tell you firsthand about the status quo of foreign policy after sitting on a panel in Washington D.C., the air travel and length of the conference itself rendered her absent from two class periods. Oh, and she wants you to read pages 45-467 for the exam the she hasn’t made yet, scheduled for two days from now.

The funny one

The funny one hasn’t forgotten that he was an undergrad too. While this doesn’t necessarily mean that the coursework is going to be easy, the funny one can actually fill a huge lecture hall outside of exam days and is as helpful during office hours as he is hilarious during class. Mind you, just like a good comedian, he won’t hesitate to make you a punchline if you’re messing with his lecture flow.

The TA

Like ‘the busy one’, the TA has other goals in mind but has to supervise you stupid undergrad shits to get an advanced degree or some more ink on the resume. In my experience, the TA could be a stuck-up, doctorate-seeking ‘tyrant’ in training, an unintelligible international student who waltzed past MSU’s minimal English-speaking requirement, or a fellow undergrad who also happened to hook up with your roommate last year (yikes).

The not so funny one

This is a two-for one. The not so funny one either tells enough horrible jokes to the point where the class laughs uncomfortably anyway, or, like the ‘tyrant’, has a nonexistent sense of humor that is often accompanied by academic intimidation. Students in the latter’s case ask a question only to find themselves immersed in a world of pain and humiliation for confusing Immanuel Kant with Friedrich Nietzsche.

The zero fucks one

This is based on a real professor who will remain anonymous (unfortunately she isn’t at Michigan State). The zero fucks one isn’t afraid to give everybody an A regardless of the ire she will draw from university administration. She swears like she’s a character out of The Departed and is that much more funny than her ‘the funny one’ peer. She also isn’t afraid to breach almost every principle in the book of education ethics and invites her students over for a party to smoke weed, binge drink, and make jokes (that would get her fired) at the expense of the university.

[thepnc]

TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MEET IN CLASS

The normal student:

Comprising the overwhelming majority of the class, normal students take notes, drink whatever caffeinated beverage they need to avoid zoning out, and may even ask the occasional question.

The leech:

The leech will approach seemingly diligent classmates for last week’s notes claiming that she was stranded in Ohio or deathly ill. In reality, she got too high at her friend’s apartment in Chandler Crossings and became way too lazy to take the 26 bus back to campus. 

The smartass:

The smartass doesn’t want to hear your professor lecture. He prefers asking unrelated pretentious questions that he’ll answer before the professor can even weigh in. A favorite tactic of his is to create a new discussion just as class is about to be dismissed to force classmates to bask in his supposed academic superiority.

The prodigy:

Either unchallenged and uninterested in lecture or sufficiently versed in course material from previous classes, the prodigy never attends, but easily pulls off 4 points. The leech is inevitably drawn to him like a drunk girl to a party’s iPod, but the prodigy doesn’t even know what chapters are being covered, nor does he care.

The college athlete:

Flanked by obsessive groupies who actively joined the course for more time to fawn over him, the college athlete gives zero fucks about everyone else. His superiority complex apparently entitles him to constant distracting chatter in the middle of class about his exploits on the field or how many girls he ‘slayed’ during previous nights. Suddenly, he’s on the road to mediocrity because it’s actually hard to make the pros.

The Questionmaster:

Can’t say that I’ve never fit into this category, but the Questionmaster comes in many forms. She’ll lean toward you and ask you something about lecture in hushed tones. Either she has no idea what is going on and sadly thought that World War II would be a fun elective, or she’s trying to get your attention and make a potential group/study/fuck mate. She may be annoying or she may be a welcome distraction from the professor’s monotonous drivel, but at the end of the day, how the hell should you know everything?!

The diva:

Make-up, a polo shirt, or a meticulously crafted hairdo? Sweatpants are a no-no at the bars, but this is the classroom. Everyone is free to do as they please, but unless you have a presentation or are high-tailing it to Rama after class, who are you trying to impress?

The Clutchmaster:

The Clutchmaster is the person who saves everyone’s asses and makes a huge study guide for everyone to look at. Whether she does it by herself or requests that others contribute their own study guides for comparison, she just wants a grade and doesn’t mind helping others in the process.

The friend(s):

A year after you’ve passed the course, your old classmate(s) can look back on the antics that happened during class, propose a toast to your crazy professor, and have a laugh at the bar.