#speccspeaks

[spokespeaksspeccs]

My dad told me to always expect and plan for the worst to happen,

I didn’t but then I looked in the mirror and I looked just like him

Not physically

Not but in the eyes

He with a big heart

Held space for so much love

Seen as a stone

Now

Built as a castle

He hides behind his work so long that it all feels pretend

I understand the life of the eyes behind the man

It hurts

It’s hollow

I don’t want to expect the worst

But the eyes explain why

Why I should

Why I should hide as well

I feel hollow

So I hide behind kaleidoscope eyes

[spokespeaksspeccs]

It’s not often but occasionally, more frequently now, I feel this twinge of regret mixed with confusion? And a thought, I miss having friends, and usually it oasses quicker than a thought more emerges but recently I’ts been lasting long enough to remember memories and see groups of friends and feel nostalgia of what used to be in my life, but in the same thought there is the knowledge that it’s either not the right time, or not really me, because in all honesty I’ts hard even being around others, just simply being. A viscious spiral that entrails nostalgia, nothing new but also surpirsing in the nature of how it arises, and how long it lasts. What walls it cracks it cracks on the way out.

-Oona

[spokespeaksspeccs]

I know i’ll be okay?

[spokespeaksspeccs]

I got a biopsy on my neck today at 2pm and it really hurts RIGHT NOW, is that normal? (It’s currently 11:36pm) It was a needle biopsy, but turning my head or touching it really hurts, also absolutely everything about that appointment was scary and triggering, but the doctor was really nice and sweet.

[spokespeaksspeccs]

I heard a quote at a conference “when we started being able to function as a system we stopped being able to function in the real world” and that really stuck because genuinely, that’s what it feels like, also a huge trigger for our sober parts to be questioned if we’re on drugs and look like we are, we aren’t. Not anymore. 3 years. -Andrea, Maji

[spokespeaksspeccs]

Growing up in pain silently then going into the world thinking the toxicity was normal, only to be slapped in the face beaten the fuck down and mentally unable to cope with change, it’s not their fault, they contributed, but you’re not a kid anymore and their not legally your guardian anymore, the love seemed to fade as soon as I moved out, as if the unconditional love always had an end date that I didn’t know about. And now i feel like I’m crazy for wanting to be a kid again, I never felt like I was to begin with,

And now I can’t be,

It’s too late.

[myeyesmyeyesleavemebe]

I feel like an emotional mosh pit

[spokespeaksspeccs]

this is truly what it feels like

i'm sorry I hid behind my truths

behind my knowledge

that I portrayed what I said without holding it close to myself,

I grew the bone wrong

-unconsciously conscious mind body and soul,

I lost my directional way-

the ability to breath the fresh air,

unaware of the seasons and how beautifully they change

consumed in the space between

-clean air and going blind

breathing and opening my eyes,

shouldn't have to choose between breathing and feeling

-from bonding than growing

-from learning and loving

-from healing and changing,

this is truly what it feels like-

bound like an old book,

with their marbled faces and sewn in core-

old glue torn by every page turned

-holding strong

for the one holding it.