Do guys have specific topics u always bring up with the same friend whenever u meet them and then every slowly transition into different (kinda related) topics or are u guys normal?
Call me crazy, but it makes me kind of uncomfortable when people set out in search of specific friends.
I don’t mean anything like, “Friends I can casually call ‘bitch’” or “Friends I can have long philosophical discussions with”.
I mean like, “a gay friend I can go shopping with and get fashion advice from!” or “a black friend to prove I’m not racist!” or “a transgender friend!”
It’s one thing if someone makes a friend who HAPPENS to be gay or even live up to the gay stereotypes, it’s another to want a gay stereotype for a friend. And I’m pretty sure it’s some form of emotional manipulation if you make a friend with a specific benefit in mind (ex. befriending someone whose family owns a pizza shop just to get free pizza).
I get that having a broad friend circle is great. Diversity is the spice of life after all. But if you set out to befriend a specific person based on their race/gender identity/sexual orientation... yeah, I’m uncomfortable with that.
**Side note, if you’re totally comfortable with people saying, “I’ve always wanted a x best friend!” that’s cool, I’m just going to explain why it makes me, personally, a little uncomfortable.
I’m not in the closet about my sexuality. It’s not a secret. I mean, I don’t wear it on my sleeve or anything, but if someone asks me I’m not going to be all, “What? Nooo, I’m straight as a line!” I’m sure not everyone knows, but I’m not trying to hide it or anything. Sometimes I’ll mention my boyfriend and then a second later say, “Wow that girl’s really hot,” and people get confused, so I’ll quickly clarify, “Oh I go both ways.” USUALLY the response is, “Oh, okay.” Sometimes they ask a question or two, like ‘How do you know?’ and stuff, but normally they’re accepting. The only person to challenge this is my mom, but that’s not what this is about. Sometimes, the person says, “What? That’s so cool!” And yes, it is cool that I can be open about my sexuality. It’s cool to be different. But most of all, it’s cool to be you. Sometimes, the person follows that up with, “I’ve always wanted a gay friend :)”
I will have one of two reactions, usually mixed with a level of discomfort. 1) I will feel a sense of understanding, because I know the person means well, they just don’t understand their implications. 2) I will feel a sense of disgust, because I know they understand EXACTLY what they’re saying.
I have a friend who seems really misguided about sexuality. Like, they seem to subscribe more to the idea of stereotypes than of actual people. To an extent, I can understand that. Up until recently, any media portrayals of gays/queers in general has been stereotypical. Not always offensive per se, but a stereotype. For example, the idea of a foppish gay man is not in and of itself offensive (at least not to everyone), but it CAN be. Mr. Smithers from The Simpsons is a gay man, and often acts effeminate or foppish, i.e. a bit stereotypical, but I’ve yet to see people rioting about how Mr. Smithers is toxic and bad for the image of the gay community. This friend, growing up, didn’t have much exposure to gay people. Should they have had gay family member... well, one side of the family is VERY religious, so it could be safe to say they are/were closeted. When your only exposure to a group has been through stereotypes, and all the media you consume with a gay character is in the form of a stereotype (especially the gay best friend), you start to think that as a fact. Does this make you a bad person? Well, if someone has never been taught right from wrong, and then they’re suddenly thrown into the real world, are they a bad person for not knowing any better? If you’re taught the sky is red and 2+2=5 your entire life, you’re going to think that the sky is red and 2+2=5 until you can learn otherwise.
Of course, then there’s also the person who says that to be nice, not realizing it’s giving me some level of discomfort. These people are genuinely interested in my sexuality, but not in a way that they’re going to try to make me a martyr or anything like that. They’re trying to be supportive, but come across wrong. That’s it.
Then there are the people who know EXACTLY what they’re saying. These are the, “I’m not racist, I have black friends” people, who may see your identity as some kind of novelty. For some of them, it’s almost like they have a checklist of people to befriend so they can pull the “I’m not x” card. When this happens, you can feel more like an object than a person, something to complete this person’s collection; or maybe you just feel like they’re trying to do this to you. It’s one thing to respect who you are, it’s another thing for them to objectify who you are. This is a bit difficult for me to explain, because I’m not the best with words, but here’s an example I use a lot: men from the 50s loved their wives, but didn’t always see them as people; that’s still sexist. You can have a black/gay/transgender friend, you can love them as a friend, but if you see them as their “novelty” before you see them as a person, there’s a problem. Does everyone do this? Absolutely not. Does this happen? Yes.
Here’s what I’m NOT saying: I’m NOT saying it’s not okay to joke about having/being the gay best friend. We make jokes like that all the time, and as long as you’re not making the person uncomfortable, or not bullying them, and this is all truly in good fun, then you’re cool.
I’m also NOT saying that everyone who says “I’ve always wanted a x best friend!” is automatically x-phobic or trying to discriminate against you in any way. I’m just saying that it makes me uncomfortable, and I’m trying to explain why.
I’m certainly NOT saying everyone who says “I’ve always wanted a x best friend!” is one of those, “I can’t be racist/x-phobic, I have x friends!” types. It’s a possibility, but in this day and age, likely not a probability.
I’m also NOT saying you shouldn’t be friends with someone because they are x and you don’t want to appear like the people on my list. Like, if you’re considering “breaking up” with your gay friend because you read this and don’t want to feel like you’re only friends with them because of their sexuality, then don’t. If you’re friends with them because you like them and they make you happy, and race/religion/sexual orientation/etc. has nothing to do with it, you’re in the friendship for the right reason.
