left in the dark - s. reid - chapter 4
cw : use of drugs and overdose
chapter 3 here
a03 here
word count - 994
a/n - feeling very angsty today
likes and reblogs are always appreciated.
Spencer’s in too deep. He feels stupid admitting it to himself now. He should've known he was in too deep when he went back to take the dilaudid off Hankel’s body. It started small, he would take it to fall asleep instead of calling Sadie.
Now, he needs to take it every few hours just to feel like he can breathe, so he can think. If he doesn't he gets all jittery, he can’t sit still, let alone think straight about the cases he has to solve.
Meanwhile, he has been trying his hardest to avoid Sadie and, God, it’s so hard. Every time he brushes her off, walks past her in the middle of a sentence, moves around on the jet just to sit next to anyone else but her makes his stomach twist.
He doesn't want to imagine what she is thinking. It’s probably something stupidly understanding, Spencer can almost hear it.
He’s going through a lot right now. Maybe he just needs space? It’s frustrating how nice she is sometimes. Now, Spencer is stuck staring at the ceiling, torn between her and it. His finger twitches to trace his vein. It would be so easy to just use it and fall asleep.
No one knows how utterly fucked he is but himself and if he’s not hurting anyone but himself there’s really no harm at all. He sat up and let out a breath. Just to fall asleep. He chanted inside his head.
As he made the final push to get up, his phone buzzed. Ignore it. That dark voice inside him said. The same one that told him that he deserved to die in the barn. That the team would have moved on, everyone would. He blinked and his phone was in his hand. Sadie. Why was she calling this late? Is she okay?
Before he could convince himself otherwise, he answered.
“Hey,” He said, trying to make his voice deeper, as if he was sleeping. “What’s up?” He asked.
“Hi,” Spencer could hear her smile through the phone. “I didn’t wake you, did I?” She asked. Too nice.
“No, you didn’t. What’s up?” He repeated, this time with a hint of annoyance to his voice. All of that potential worry he had for a second ago was gone.
“I was just thinking about you.” She said. She was going to make his stomach twist.
“Why?” He asked…he sounded almost annoyed.
“I was just worried about you. You know, with everything-” Before she could finish her sentence Spencer cut her off with a disbelieving scoff.
“I don’t need you worrying about me.” He spat, gripping the phone tighter.
“I-I didn’t mean it like that.” Sadie stammered, trying to explain herself but Spencer once again spoke over her.
“I know what you meant. You’re like all the others, aren't you? You think I’m too fragile now.” Spencer chided, letting out a bitter laugh before continuing. “You know, I actually thought you were different. But no, you continue to disappoint.”
His words stung, like a fiery hot sword that just impaled her stomach and was given a twist. Tears burned in her eyes, threatening to fall over.
“What’s wrong with you?” She managed to get out. There was long silence, like Spencer couldn’t believe what he just said, cause he didn’t.
Eventually, Saide hung up after a beat went on with none of them saying anything. After the dail tone rung out in Spencer’s ears for a moment and he had fucked up big time, he threw his phone across the room causing a few books on his shelfs to come toppling over.
What did I do? What did I do?
He mummered to himself while stumbling towards the bathroom. Everything felt like it was spinning, the words racing though his mind had lost all their meaning by now. He gripped the sides of the sink so tight his knuckles turned white.
He forced himself to look up and into the mirror. He was skinner than before, his skin pale and pasty, excessive sweat was making his hair stick to his forehead. Sadie’s question rang through his head again.
What was wrong with him?
Unlike her though, he knew the answer. The answer was right behind the medicine cabinet. He reached for that answer quickly and before he could blink, that answer was being injected into his veins.
Quickly, Spencer relaxed. When he closed the medicine cabinet and saw his reflection again, he smiled. Finally, his head was clear. He stumbled to the kitchen which is where he started digging around to find some beer.
By 3AM, he was severely fucked up and higher than he had ever been. It felt nice, he could turn his brain off and not think about anything. Nothing. No sense of danger. Then, the high started to slip. Her words rang in his head once again.
What’s wrong with you?
She sounded so upset, like she was about to cry. She was about to cry because of him. Spencer needed to forget her and anything she ever said. He quickly stumbled back to the bathroom, knocking into several things along the way.
First, he bumped into the coffee table, knocking over a forgotten bottle, then into another bookcase causing even more books to topple over. As well as into the wall multiple times.
Then, he was in the bathroom again, the dim light flickering over his figure in his reflection. At this point, he didn’t even remember what he looked like. However, he did what he normally did, grabbing the small vials and a syringe and shooting it into his veins.
When he was done, he leaned against and sunk down onto the floor. His legs felt like jelly and his vision started getting spotty, his own breath becoming labored.
Wait…this wasn’t supposed to happen.
He…can’t…
Before he succumbed to unconsciousness, the last thing to ring though his mind was her.
What. Is. Wrong. With. You.