A SUMMER SPIDER-KILLING EPIC: if our common, insect stories were retold dramatically...here's mine for today.
~~~ I'm minding my own business, sitting in my living room and messing around on my laptop, when the biggest, blackest spider, scurries out of the nearest corner. I stare at it in horror as it notices me, stops, and then suddenly starts sprinting straight at me. It freaking charges me! Fearing for my life, I fall back, leaving my precious laptop on the carpet. IT THEN PROCEEDS TO HIDE, /UNDER/ MY LAPTOP. I watch in disbelief as the last of it's furry legs disappears from sight. There's a moment of silence -the calm before the storm. Then, it came: rage. How /dare/ it. I wasn't going to stand for the invasion of my land, seizure of my property, and terror it had subjected me to. "NO MORE," I roared. Without a moment's pause, I grabbed the nearest magazine in one hand, wielding it for all purposes like a knight's sword and with my other hand, I lift my laptop -revealing it's ugly mug for all to see. It makes a run for it, but I am out for blood. It tries to hide, but I am merciless. In rapid succession, I jab at the beast with my sword until it could terrorize no more. Suddenly, the energy leaves my body. I drop the magazine, discarding it like the useless paper it is. It wasn't a moment of profound retrospection or the personal whimsy of ephemeral life, I regretted nothing. It was only a morbid curiosity that had stilled me along with a loss of purpose now that the goal had been achieved. The deed was done. I grabbed a handheld vacuum and proceeded to perform a quick burial rite with it on the body: MINSIA ---May I never see it again. Valiantly and wearing the air of conquest, I marched forward and continued about my day like normal.
FIN