#spinraggen

[spinraggen]

NPO start

Stiekem zie

ik je

al languit

liggend.

Je benen -

die heerlijke

benen - uitgestrekt

op de bank.

Je kijkt met

volle concentratie naar

Boer zoekt Vrouw

en ik kijk

eigenlijk

alleen maar

naar jou.

[spinraggen]

Fall Sunday.

Today I saw a leaf

caught in a web, or rather I 

saw its shadow

on the blinds on 

the library windows

when the sun broke through, and it

danced when wind

caught it yet it I

don’t think it

ever moved.

[spinraggen]

Redecorate.

I was laying on my bed,

back on my mattress,

head where my feet should have

been, then realized I had

forgotten

your smell: the one

that clung onto your skin,

hung around you like

an overcoat, one I would

take home, instead I found it

gone

like a patch of darker paint

hinting at a picture,

framed,

its place visibly

remembered on that wall,

yet the photograph itself -

impossible to

recall,

not in the least,

not at all.

[spinraggen]

Tonal.

The days pass by but make no sense I smile at my lost innocence from growing up - I add the years to my desires & deepest fears of loneliness, with all my friends I'm still quite sure how this will end: Us parting ways like nothing did - you leaving me, and here I sit, as if nothing ever came of it, the things we said simply unfit to drown the sound of what was left: both blissfully, completely deaf.

[spinraggen]

Reflection.

Two steps down the campus road I regretted carrying my heart with me, it’s weight heavy on my back, loaded with questions just where I couldn’t see them, and halfway through I understood the conversation blown past me, life on hold during the break, wind on both our faces racing over an artificial lake, I said: “Welcome to the Netherlands, where everything is fake”

[spinraggen]

Wisdom.

We are drinking wine like friends these days. I come over and remember how I sat down awkwardly - now I know how it ends but then everything could still change - I was hoping I would be more so we spoke of the mundane, had dinner with questions burning on our tongues, or maybe just mine; they came rattling through my teeth with every cup of cursed red wine you poured me, containing line after line of my thoughts, well prepared and fine but clumsily delivered and I saw your eyes checking mine to see if I was already dying. I did. None of this I say this time, we share dinner and a bottle and a movie, then I carefully present my safest words, the ones that say “nothing, really, nothing hurts.”

[spinraggen]

I. R.

Oh, hallo, 

U kent mij niet maar

ik u wel. Hoe,

vraagt u? Wel, uw

dochter heeft mijn 

hart gebroken, 

maar dat heeft ze u

vast niet verteld. Is het

u opgevallen of 

ze misschien nog

stiller was dan

normaal? Is ze

onbereikbaar

ver weg?

Nee?

Dan 

liegt ze.

[spinraggen]

Oorbel

Ik gaf je een vergeet-me-nietje

in de vorm van een oorbel.

Helemaal uit New York naar

Nederland 

(Het was een schot in de roos)

Later zat je, met die oorbel

in je oor, bij mij in huis,

en viel alles zomaar

uit elkaar.

Je vroeg me: Alsjeblieft, vergeet

niet hoe fijn we het hadden 

samen, ook al is het nu

klaar-

en ik dacht alleen: 

kon ik dat maar.