Hindsight is Twenty-twenty (Drabble)
As soon as she heard the shower turn on, she lifted herself up off the bed and carried herself swiftly and silently out the door, locking it behind her before stepping hurriedly down the stairs. After last night, she needed air and space, neither of which she seemed to be getting in their stuffy apartment. Her thoughts swarming through her head as she meandered aimlessly through the crowds of the day in the lowtown market. A poor excuse, as they needed little from the store, but she needed a reason to leave the house without arousing suspicion.
Marian had known that Anders had been hiding something ever since their friendship had dropped the “with benefits” portion. Even though she was hurt by the rejection, she did not begrudge him that decision, as she felt the tension in their relationship dissipate with the change. Things seemed to steer par for the course after that. They still shared a bed, company, and held each other’s confidences just without the sex.
At least that’s what she thought before that night.
It made her skin crawl thinking about it. No reason to sugar coat it; Justice had appeared, Karl was Tranquil, and the Templars had some idea that there was rogue mage activity under their noses in the city. The only bright side was that none of them had been mortally wounded to the point that healing magic couldn’t fix them. Her rudimentary knowledge of magic was useless that night; the spells that was thrown around were far beyond the limits of her understanding. A part of her wished that Malcolm had instructed her, but even then, it would not have prepared her for the entity and the righteously twisted vengeance that claimed to be Justice.
A thread in her being held tightly to Anders; she still loved him.
In the end, the group had stayed the night at the clinic , protected by wards to make certain that they were hidden from the inevitable search that would begin once the bodies were found. She had stayed behind to clean up anything that would link them back to the trouble that night. Something she had picked up at her various jobs that required her to look for specific evidence or items. There was nothing there to trace back to any of them. She had picked up all their disfigured weapons. The magical energy that had torn through the building could not be hidden, at least not by her. There would be no question as to the cause of the deaths that night.
There was much she learned that night from Anders; from the story of how he came to possess the spirit within him, to the reason why his death would have only made things worse, and everything in between. There was still darkness lurking in his past, but she didn’t blame him for keeping that silent. It made her heart reach out to him again; she wanted to take away that pain and be there for him. He needed that pain, all of it. She could feel that, but he also felt extremely guilty that he had put all of their lives at risk; a moment of weakness was all it took.
Now his comment from that morning so many moons ago rang with much more clarity:
“Who I am… what I am… there are times I know it is incompatible with what you deserve. What you need. I’m in the eye of a hurricane, Marian. It’s quiet for now but it won’t be that way forever.”
It was like a hurricane. The lightning had flashed out blue and hot, the indiscriminant chaos that hurt everything it touched, and the judgment that was cast upon anything that would stand in his way. She understood the fear that had caused the Chantry to want to coop magi in circles and keep them under lock and key. Though she still believed that barring someone’s freedom based on the possibility of future mistakes was errant and caused more problems than it solved. After the nightmare that had been seared into her memory, she still couldn’t condemn anyone to the Gallows, especially not Anders. It made her realize how hard he had been fighting day in and day out to keep himself under control which brought with it more appreciation for his restraint and delicate nature that he used on everyone.
She was thankful they were friends. Tomorrow she would tell him so again. He needed to hear that.
Her thoughts shifted to the other mage, the one that had saved her brother, the one that had hissed at her telling of her near tragic decision. One wouldn’t have thought that so much emotion could be felt through the near choked noise that had squelched through her teeth. She was overprotective of Anders himself, but he needed someone to be. From her own experience, he would be the one to lay down his life for another if that was what he felt must be done. He needed people around him that would stop that. She would be that for him.
She was needed back at the apartment; she could feel it. Her brother knew her as well as she knew him. The only reason he had gone into the shower at all was to give her space and time to think. They both needed each other right now. Whenever either of them was hurt or upset, the other was always a pillar of strength and support. Now, after the night they had just been through, it was something she overlooked in her hurry for space of her own.
You need him right now just as much as he needs you.
That thought strengthened her resolve. After that night’s upheaval, the solid familiarity of her brother’s presence was a pillar for her. So much had changed, so much had happened. There was so much she wished she had done differently.
But hindsight was always twenty-twenty.
