SplatoonMG4 CHAPTER 5: GAYER Off The Hook
SMG3 had a lot of questions now that there was a way for him to communicate with Four. He still wasn't great at Sign Script, but it was the best he could do for now. He had a lot of questions about Inkopolis and the surface, because even if he had heard of it from some Octolings it wasn't much, to be honest.
"Um..." There was a bit of an awkward silence before SMG3 continued to speak. "I only know what the, uh... Splatland Octolings say... I've heard of 'Deep Cut' and some things, like Turf War... but not much else... what are those three all about?"
SMG3 didn't speak as fast or as well as Four, but the latter was just glad to hear that the Octoling wasn't completely clueless, as he explained Deep Cut. "Deep Cut? They're like our news anchors. They have some pretty cool music and a podcast- the Anarchy Splatcast- so they have a lot of fans. Inkopolis is different though... we have some other people do the map announcements." He smiled at the thought of the Square's comedic duo, Off the Hook...
"Who are they, then?" SMG3 asked once he processed what Four said. "The, uh, news people?"
SMG4 just took a second to glance at the time before looking back at SMG3 with a grin.
"Well... how about I just show you?" He clicked the TV on. "Thanks to the power of Plot Convenience Magic, which probably shouldn't exist in this AU, but whatever..."
Swag: you sexy bitches know what time it is
Chris: It's Off the Hook, coming live from Inkopolis square... Swag... (Are you even allowed to say that?)
Swag: (of course i can. if you have enough fans you can do anything you want)
Chris: (First off, I was asking if that was part of the script... which I'm sure it's not... second off, that's what everyone thinks until they get canceled, you moron.)
Swag: anygays, moving on to the noob- i mean the normal battle stages. turf war.
(Moray Towers)(Starfish Mainstage)
Swag: my strategy here is to rush to the middle as fast as i can and look sexy ✨
Chris: (I need new friends...)
Swag: and now the stages for REAL battles. ranked battles. i meant to say "ranked battles"
(PIRANHA PIT)(CLAM BLITZ)
Swag: oh wow, look. my favorite: "50/50 chance to win or lose in the first minute like an idiot"
Chris: Finally, something we can both agree on...
Swag: well it's time for league battles... who even plays these anymore???
Chris: Swag, this is our job... can you please take it seriously today...
(And back to the gays in the apartment instead of the ones on the news)
"They seem, um..." SMG3 was trying to think of the word in Sign Script.
"Hilarious?" Four chuckled.
"...Dysfunctional." And... like maybe he'd seen one of them somewhere before? "But also familiar?"
Four thought for a second. "Hmm, maybe you heard of them from those Splatlandians? They are also popular in Splatsville, but they go by a different band name. That could be why you didn't recognize their name... But that's just a theory. An ink theory!"
SMG3 gave him a strange look. Oh, right.
"Uh... just forget I said anything. Haha..."
Swag: boss salmonids think i'm so sexy they don't even try attacking me 😎
Chris: (Or they're so appalled that they refuse to come within 10 feet of you...)
(Inkopolis News transition effect)
Chris: -That number's not even real-
Swag: -of saying we should've been called something fresher than "off the hook-"
Chris: Swag... we're almost out of time.
Swag: ugh fine. whatever. "don't get cooked..."
Chris: "...Stay off the hook-"
Swag: and don't forget to help me with my petition to change the name-
(Utter chaos then unfolded on screen for two seconds until the ads began to play.)
"Well, that was an... experience." SMG3 honestly didn't know what emotion he was supposed to feel after watching that news broadcast. "They're a comedian duo?"
Four was happy to share the silly duo with SMG3, and he was still snickering at the broadcast (because his sense of humor is broken). "Yeah, I guess so, but- wait! You wouldn't have heard any of their music before, right?"
"Well, uh... no... of course not, I haven't heard anything aside from the Octarian music, or this weird Salmonid band, so-"
"HGFGHWDNHBGVFCVGWBHJCHVGBHDCNJHVGEBH"
Well, that's what it sounded like to Three. Agent 4 was so excited he forgot to speak in Sign Script as he pulled out his phone and scrolled through his playlist, before clicking on one of his favorite songs: Shark Bytes by Off The Hook.
(Time for the author to make horrible inaccurate lyrics!)
Three was 90% sure that even though Chris was singing it, Swag had written the lyrics. But that wasn't what caught his attention.
"Four, this... this isn't in Square," he said. "I think it's in Runic..."
Agent 4 looked genuinely surprised. "Really? Actually? I thought it was something really obscure, and that's why I didn't know it."
SMG3 listened for a little longer before nodding. "Yeah, it's... Runic."
There was now an awkward silence, because they didn't really know what to say next. (And definitely not because the author can't write)
"So..." Four said, turning off his phone. "You wanna see the city now, or wait first?"
"Hell yeah I wanna see this place!"
