people tell me that they love me and it makes me uncomfortable. i don’t like saying the words “i love you” because whoever i love should just know. and i feel the same way about others. i don’t need them to tell me that they love me verbally. i know they love me because they help me with chores or tell me that they’ll cook dinner so i don’t have to or they buy my $3 drink for me even though i have plenty of money to buy it.
someone says that they love me and i respond “i love you too,” but that’s all it is. a response. something that has been instilled into me. i don’t say it because i feel love for that person in that moment. i say it because it’s respectful and appropriate and the right thing to do in that situation.
physical and verbal shows of affection make me so uncomfortable. something as simple as hand holding or someone telling me that they’re proud of me makes me feel so awkward. i often find myself responding in a violent manner when confronted with physical and verbal affection. when i’m told that i’m appreciated, i respond with “i’m going to beat you up,” or some variation of that. and when someone tries to hug me or hold my hand or lean on me, i respond by hitting them on the arm or pinching them or biting them.
anyway. i should probably discuss this with my therapist.