Still feral abt that John being overweight post I made earlier. Like. That did something formative to both brothers didn't it.
what has really wormed its way deep into my brain is the fact that John never had to actively violate (sexual) either of them for his physical embodiment to be one of the building blocks of who they are
I just keep picturing Big, Tall John pressed flush against a seven or eight-year-old Dean from behind, lining their cheeks up and holding Dean's arms in his to teach him how to aim a shotgun and how to take the kick. his belly pressed tight against Dean's little back. completely engulfing him. when the gun slips out of the pocket of Dean's shoulder, it knocks the air out of him and he breathes when John breathes
Big, Tall John looming over twelve-year-old Sam and looming hard and using his clipped, mean military-honed bark to cow Sam back into a good attitude. he has hit Sam and he will hit him again, but this time he doesn't have to because the threat of the damage a slap from his enormous hand could do to Sam's little body is enough to make him back down
Big, Tall John taking a seventeen-year-old Dean to the fucking ground, grinding his face into worn carpet and holding him down with weight alone. locking Dean's legs in place with his knees and ankles in a way that makes Dean struggle with blind panic for a minute because even if John has never and does never rape him, he could and Dean knows this is how he would do it, grinding in deep knowing Dean can barely move, can barely breathe, under him
they find men like him everywhere. Dean doesn't always realize he's picking a fight with a man the same size as his dad until it's done. sometimes not even then (the fight with "Tiny" in Folsom Prison Blues is in my head)
Dean isn't always aware of it, but Sam knows he's looking for his dad when he finds the roughest sumbitch he can to shove him up against brick walls behind bars and suffocate him with their weight and their dicks and their hot breath on the back of his neck. he hates being taller than John and still knowing that he'd never be able to take his dad in a fight
