Busted and Blue
Since joining this church, the thing that I’ve been doing the most is hide. I don’t go inside until I hear worship starting cuz I know his eyes will be closed and that he’ll be too preoccupied with singing to notice who comes inside. I walk out 5 min before everyone else so that I don’t risk bumping into him on the way out. The people who know I’m here are sworn not to say anything. Going to my church has turned into a well-planned strategy. I wouldn’t want it this way (who would?) but I’m afraid of him. My heart turn into a storm when he’s around: anger, self- hate, resentment, vengeance, and wrath are what swirls in me when he’s near or if my thoughts go his way.
But I also know that that is not fair. Of course he’s sorry, of course he’s tried time and time again to be friendly but my heart ends up rejecting that with all the force it can muster. It ends up angering me even more…
Letting myself feel all those things is delicious in a way if I had to be completely honest… cuz in the past when I was done wrong, I would let it slide with a smile because perhaps I deserved it somehow… otherwise it wouldn’t be happening to me. But the more I’ve grown, understood my strengths, and embraced my worth, the more self righteous I’ve become. So now that I’m here, I’m infuriated that there is someone I let in my life that felt it was ok to treat me that way.
Yet here I am listening to a sermon about mercy and grace. Frankly, it’s the way I oughta be handling myself. Frankly it’s something that I oughta be acting towards him… but that takes a lot of strength that I don’t feel I have right now. Or rather, I don’t want to.
I’m not ready to roll over and let him get it over with. So for now at least, I guess I’ll keep hiding; I’ll continue to block him from everything and think crudely of him… at least until God says otherwise. And knowing Him, it’s creeping closer and closer into the near future.