The Solid “C” (Part 3)
Fast forwarding to the last year or so, I was sitting through my first few weeks in Celebrate Recovery when I learned and reluctantly confronted the first principle that’s taught in the step study is “Denial”. And it was in this setting that I had to face an elephant in the room that I had chosen to close my heart to so far back that I didn’t even remember.
He had changed slowly and confronting how things were in my house was like a slow motion slap across the face. By choosing to look away from it, I couldn’t unsee the sad picture of a man in his mid 60s with anger issues, overall body pain/headaches, hate/regret, and lots and lots of preconceived notions about people. I had to face the fact that not only was all this true but also how much it had hurt me as a person… and how it had continued to hurt me. I eventually had the courage to call it what it was: abuse. I painfully came to the conclusion that most of my fatherly upbringing was emotional/verbal abuse. At some point, I had shoved away some pretty painful memories that, during CR, I was forced to revisit - being yelled at, telling me I was “his best girl” while other days talking to me condescendingly; instances where the tone in his voice was enough to control my actions; not feeling free to explore or dream without my father’s judgement looming in my psyche.
Surprisingly, realizing that didn’t just deliver a lot of pain but just as much shame and blame too… all that time, where in the hell was my will to live how I wanted to? where in the hell was the self respect that would usually result in the rebellious spirit required to pave a way for yourself. I was an obedient little shit to the point that I was too broken to notice… at least that was the thought that came to mind on a bad day.
To be continued... Part 4 coming soon.
