Dirty 30, Where am I?
Well, I am a few days late as usual but I am officially 30! This is a new blog for me and something I am committed to keeping up and running (more on that later) and expressing myself in all ways no matter what the opinion or feeling is. This is something of a change for me as even with recent blogs I have had I have tried to go the theme route, Politics, sports exedra but I always end up flaking out and losing the password or something because I am trying to hide my blog from an employer or family or anyone else for that matter. Not this one, I feel like George Carlin when he said something along the lines of when you get old you can speak your mind and say crazy shit and use being old as an excuse. Well, I may not be as old as he was referencing but I have been through a lot for someone my age and I damn sure feel old. And away we goooooooooooooooooooooo…..
So, I am 30 where am I? Well, I live in my parent’s basement by myself with my fiancé currently living at her parents’ house. I am recently promoted but technically taking a pay cut for the “Big Picture” goals that I have. I have a small mortgage in student loan debt and that is not counting my fiancé’s student loans that we will obviously share the burden of. I am over weight with every stupid little medical problem you can name, nothing major but stupid, Slow thyroid and stuff like that. I have slowing dwindled my group of friends down to a select few awesome guys and even they are settling down. So where do I find myself, I find myself wishing I was a rolling stone. I have always been the one who had things “ together” even when I failed or made missteps I was still considered the “ safe bet” I guess you could say to succeed. But now I find myself wishing I was dangling in the wind a bit more. And let me make this clear it is no fault to the people around me; I have some truly amazing people in my life. But I watch movies like Into the Wild and think man, I would just like to do that. I would like to disappear and de-burden myself of anything and everything and even cut ties to the “outside world” aka the people who have been around me most of my life. It is not that there is anything wrong with them or with me or with my life, I have just always wanted more, I have always been so anti routine yet as a human on this planet you endlessly find yourself falling into routines. I have always been anti “do what you are supposed to do” type of person, hell I can great a list of the times I have purposely went again that motto just to do so, but that would take too long at the moment maybe later. So where am I truly?
Well, I have a great fiancé (who I probably, no scratch that definitely don’t deserve) I have great friends and a good family, a great job at a great company with great bosses, yet even though I am more at home than ever, I feel like I need to get lost more than ever and just see where the world takes me. I don’t know I feel like my generation has been so plugged in that at times we just need to pull the plug out and leave. Would it hurt people yes, would I be devastated knowing I caused them the pain I have? Yes, would I regret it? Yes. Should I do it? Now that is the million dollar question that I just don’t know if I have the balls to answer. Who knows, maybe things work themselves out and I can live within the confines of what society expects from me but still feel free enough, maybe I can’t. But in the end, well shit in the end I am still 30 and old!