#squizzical

[harmoniouswonk-blog]

Allow for a moment, a sense of falling, falling through your own mind, through open doors and windows, past memories and ideas and desires and fears, fall through it all and view with the eyes of someone who never stops falling. No judgement means anything, no moment lasts long enough, and no point will be made by creating an opinion. The moment is fleeting. Every moment, is always fleeting. There is no need to criticize, there is no need to feel invested. Everything just keeps passing by, as it always has, as it always will. We’re all just passing through. But we have jumbles, tiny homes filled with many tiny things that we call our own, all rumbling around within our heads. We fill ourselves up & up & up. To know ourselves better, to organize ourselves, to compartmentalize the world around us. We want everything to have its place. Because we want to have our place. A decided dollop of us smeared on the canvas of life. I am definite. I am sure. I am here, I am me.

[harmoniouswonk-blog]

The expansion never stopped. The growth kept on coming, manifesting weirdly.. messily. Sometimes like a solid slab of cement, sometimes like the chaos of a storm, lightening zigzagging across my own inner sky & thunder rumbling my core. Inner towns destroyed, buildings crashing to the ground. Ready to be re-made, differently next time. Continuously shifting. Once  I thought I would shift until I was done, even if done was just some years, and then it would start again. Now I feel like I'll be shifting forever. Changing like the seasons, day by day, everything different from the last. There is no destination. Only this path that I follow, inside & outside of my self. Looking back on myself I feel that I've come so far. Sitting in this moment, feels like perhaps I've barely moved. But I feel the difference, the solidness in my resolve, the strength in my suffering. I hurt, and the pain is the same, but I feel it differently, it sits differently within me. Once I knew suffering as an entity that lived within my being. Now I know suffering as an aspect of myself, an aspect of physical existence. A tool, or a weapon, a hindrance, or a help. Just a thing, to use or ignore as we will it. This jumble that twists my insides, there is reason & rhyme, and its barely even my own, but I take it on, I take it into myself because I don't know how not to. I soak up my surroundings, melding with them wholly. I want to understand, but I cannot, not fully, not in this form. I've long since lost my idea of destination. This wandering has been my lifestyle for a long time. I think I always just planned to join another's path. Perhaps what I've always been looking for is the right path, but someone else's right path. Perhaps that's one of the ways I've gone wrong. I was not trying to find or create my own path, but meld with another's. When really, it should be two paths meeting together. That, and many others, are my failings. I am tired now, tired of my own negative ripples, and of the cacophony of other people's expectations and understandings. All this discordant mess, to be adhered to, lived within. Perhaps these boundaries were never supposed to surround me. Perhaps I was always supposed to feel them, and then be freed from them. A loss, but a gain. Hello world, I'm raw with emotion. I'm raw and I'm hurting and I'm alive and I'm still standing, & I don't plan to stop.