Today was as the title states.
It started last night, when we took Spike (pet dog) to his X-Ray and I called my senior by one year, Vaishnavi to find out that a friend's birthday's plans were made for the next day (today). I couldn't come anytime in the evenings...because of a stupid trial-Chemistry tuition by some ignorant guy. After that I had to go and register for a trip to Kanyakumari, and register for Anup too, at Arun Krishnamurthy's house in Besant Nagar.
So I decided to surprise her in the morning, as badly since I wanted to see her wake up, fall asleep and be half droopy while I was there. So the night before I skipped my dinner till 12.30am, and made gifts for her. Wrote poems, wrapped stuff...decorated...thought of everything I could give her and did. It was weird because I could literally feel my sister being a bit down then, maybe because it wasn't always I was this excited even for her birthday...
After eating a meagre two dosas at 12.30am, I went to bed after setting as many alarms as I could on the cell phone and the landline. But in bed I got that feeling...as if after all this...all I do is make my family sad.. Not just the family, but as if everyone around me is torturing themself so I can do what I want to do. It came over me, and I wasn't ashamed when i cried- it felt good. I still couldn't sleep though so came out to the living room and watched the Voice till around 1.30am. Then went in and lay down, but found that I couldn't go into sleep because I was too afraid that I won't be able to wake up on time (5 am) ...so it carried on in one of those half asleep trances and in and out of sleep, till I jumped at the first ring of the landline.
I woke up, wore the clothes I had pressed for the previous night, took the presents and caught an auto-rickshaw to her place. It so happened that her gate was locked and Vaishnqvi came down and told me to jump over it, which I did. Went it, woke her up to her reply of a half laughing, half sleepy, half surprised "What the hell!!??!"
I sat there for a while, as I wanted to, with VH1 playing in the background and Kausthuba and Vaishnavi rolling about in their sleep. She thought I was getting bored or something and got up after a while, fidgeting with her Mac. Then she thought I took a photo with my camera with no battery and lost the memory card :P i gave her the presents, said she liked. And it was my first time into her room so , haha, it was a thing. So I just sat, listening, thinking. And in the idle conversation we were making, she asked me what I was doing today and I told her. She asked me what I was doing till the afternoon and I said nothing much. Said she wasn't going back to sleep because she'd feel bad for me. I didn't really have a plan...just wanted to spend a little bit of time with her on her birthday. My eyes and body were ripping itself apart from no sleep, but managed to stay up fine. After a goodbye hug I was seen out by her, and I left.
Apparently around 6-10 minutes after I had left, a few other people from school had come over and woken her up. Maybe I should have stayed for a while longer there...maybe not. After that I went to lunch out with sister, tuition from there...and after that to Besant Nagar beach to pay it and spend time on the beach. I kept calling her every once in a while, asking her where she was, doing what and with who. I just wanted to feel like I was a part of her day, even though I couldn't be there with her all the time. She doesn't get it, that I see her as one of the people who could be so nice, and so perfect for someone like me. She thinks I'm doing all this because I want to ask her out, but doesn't get that I could never see her ever in that light, it doesn't happen. I look at her like a sister, and I either want to give her my support and see her take it, and trust me completely...or to allow me to trust her completely and her give me her support. Either one...not none. I got my wish, spent some time with her, felt fine, knowing for sure that she wouldn't ever do the same for me. It's 12.16am now, and I fainted (actually just dropped down) as soon as I came hope from Bessy and woke up at 11.30pm. My body hurts all over, I may have a cold, and my eyes burn. But whether or not it was a good day for her, me thinking every second of the day as to how she was at that very moment, made it a good one for me.
I regret not having made it clear to her, that being honest isn't just being over emotional. Here, in this blog which none read, I can be honest. I should have not been so withdrawn, instead just have hugged her as soon as I got here, and made her fall asleep with me holding her, or being near her. Where she knows that I see her as a soul-mate, someome to share everything I feel with, and a person to whom I feel close to. A soul-sister, who cannot understand that a boy from somewhere in the middle of nowhere, can feel like he is witnessed, that his life will not go unnoticed by her, will realize that it doesn't really matter if my life isn't seen by anyone at all, if she sees it.
But she cannot, not to a person younger than her anyways. Not to a person who actually gets her, and not to a person who keeps all this clamped up. This isn't some dramatic emotional breakdown, only me explaining my regret.
Atleast in my dreams, I can fall asleep in her arms, the way I did with Manvi S. -the only other soul-sister I've really had. In my dreams, I have no regret, no guilt. In my dreams, when I went to her in the morning, she gave me a hug as she used to do, and stayed there till she fell asleep, as is natural with her.
My biggest fear, as of now, is that all the closeness she showed me for the past 4 years was just a reflex for her, just something insignificant, something she does to many. That as soon as she gets someone she feels she can be with, I won't exist to her except as a "prick". That she'll move to her toy, with the thought of me never crossing her mind. She's a nice person...she can be so sweet and honest when she wants to..she has been. But all this...all these stupid people around her just do things while using her as a toy, she feels that their she is a small piece in the jigsaw puzzle that their lives are. I pray, more desperate than I have been for someone else in a long while, that she lets me help her, and trusts me to be there when someday she realizes that all those people are not there for her, when a serious decision between her and the matter in tne world comes up.
People everywhere, are beautiful beautiful people. And the most basic thing about loving something or someone, is being at peace only when with that person or that thing. I'm not close to being at peace. And as of right now, I have gone 40 hours with no sleep trying to make happy a person who is struggling, and reaching out for someone... Someone to ease out the stress and say that things will become better for sure, when in reality that someone is just hoping and praying.
"My wish for you,
Is that this life holds all that you want it to.
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
you never need to carry more than you can hold.
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too,
Yeah this..
Is My Wish."
