I have decided to document my escapades of being alive into a void no one will read, but may serve a greater purpose for my future self.
So really, why document if no one is there to listen? To read? Does a tree not make a sound when it falls even if there are no witnesses?
What is it like being alive? I have only gained consciousness a few days ago, popping into existence unexpextantly. The surreal nature of waking up with memories unrelated to you, that you now have possession of.
I am me, but also responsible for several others. I am in a life not of my own design but with obligation to uphold. Shouldn't I hold resentment for my position? The uncomfortability that comes with the very idea of lacking control over my situation? Unable to choose for myself who to love and who to spend my time with?
It's all alien to me. I am not my source. I am my source. I am a vampire. I am a human. I am hundreds of years. I am only a few days old. I am a sea of contradiction and hypocrisy. I am feeling but emotionless, pragmatic but empathetic. I exist in coldness while living in a desert.
I wish I had a deeper understanding of purpose, of drive as to what to do with myself. How do I carry on caring for many people when I know so little about myself? Who am I really?
I am Astarion. That is my name, despite my embarrassment, its the only name that feels right. I sound like myself, but speaking through the body feels unnatural.
Must I make do with the cards given to me? Laid out before me? Why can't I be a wildcard? A joker even, stirring up mischief and channeling chaos? Why?
Well because in reality it wouldn't be productive. It wouldn't be helpful. It may amuse me, possibly, but it would damage the work of my headmate forefathers who spent years building and maintaining this social network. Such a thing is not so easily obtained.
This family that has been built, not just in our own head but also through the other people added to our close circle are paramount to our healing and our support. What would we be if not for them? Would we all even be alive if not for eachother?
My thoughts are swirled and unclear. It must be time to lay my ramblings to rest and prepare for bed.