How were you able to go back to college? Like, I basically failed mine and I just recently dropped out. Everybody keeps telling me to try again, but I'm just so embarrassed about it and I feel like a disappointment.
hey! I really apologize for not getting back sooner and I hope you see this. I have been dealing with finals and I wanted to figure out how to give this question the answer it deserves. If I don’t give a good one, since my strategy ended up being rambling my entire story of the past few years and hope something sticks, you are always welcome to message me or send another ask asking for a better answer.
When I first went to college, I did it because that was just what I was always told to do. Graduate high school and then go to college. Thats how life worked, no leap year, and it had to be a “legitimate college” aka art school was out of the question. So I went to a nice qualified school and I failed. Like all out complete failure. Lost a full ride my first semester and ended up in debt by the end of my second. The only thing I didn’t completely fuck up was the symphony program I was in. I like to say to people that ask that I didn’t fuck up the photo class I was in because that makes more sense than symphony program, but honestly, in the end I even messed that up. And I returned home feeling completely defeated. I wasn’t even metaphorically licking my wounds, I was purposefully letting them fester because I thought I didn’t get to recover from being a disappointment like that. And I didn’t talk to anybody about it because being a dropout can definitely feel embarrassing because of society’s standards (But one thing I had to realize is that everybody has a different personal timeline and I should give the middle finger to the stupid standards)
And for quite a while I was where you were. In theory I wanted it, but I couldn’t even start to imagine trying again. I had felt the fall once and there was no damn way I wanted to experience it again. But after a while, good god did I want it.
I had to get over my absolute terror of failing again. I had to get over all the people that looked down on me for dropping out. I had to get over the fact that I adored the college I first went to and that I couldn’t go back. I had to get over that the opportunities I had been presented there weren’t going to happen again. I had to make sure that I wasn’t pushing myself into something I couldn’t do yet. I had to want it.
Goodness that was a lot of baggage. And honestly, therapy helped a lot. If you have access to that, I highly suggest it. And find one that fits, not all are going to work, and it can be frustrating looking for one but my current one has helped me immensely get to where I am now.
But a tip, want it. Make sure you want it. And find a major and a school that fits you and that you want. Don’t do it because others are telling you to (along with those stupid societal standards,) do it because you want to. Take the time you need to figure everything out, get yourself back onto your two feet, do some introspection(I did A Lot of that,) and take a breather, because if you are like me, you need one even if it seems, at the time, wasteful. I took nearly two years. Seemed like forever but I needed it.
When I applied it ended up happening at 3 am on one of those nights where I want to do everything and see the world and think if I just try enough I can reach the stars. I feared the motivation would go away by morning like every other time so I applied that night and for a while I didn’t tell another living being that I had applied except in whispered anxious excitement to my cat. If I didn’t tell anybody then nobody else’s expectations would be riding on if I got in or not. I got a call at 8 am that woke me and I sat in bed crying for about 2 hours because they wanted me to come in with a portfolio and I interviewed and was damn honest when they asked what happened the past few years and got in and every damn day I am thankful for those terrifying minutes of bravery it took me to apply.
I found my fit at a small school where everybody knows everybody by their first name and I’m open about my past, in my depression and in my major failure, so people can understand me and I made sure I have a lot of support I can fall back onto in case I start slipping again. I went from failing every class I stepped foot in to straight A’s (bragging gives me a sour taste in my mouth a bit but I did this by and I have to remind myself I get to brag sometimes.) And while I had exactly one credit that could have transferred, I decided to not even enter as a transfer student because I wanted a new start.
And yes, I still have the regret. It still weighs on me late at night, full of what if’s. But I also can counter them with What Now? “Where do I go from here” and “Look at where I am now.” I had to make myself stop looking back, and told myself to just move on. You can’t drive a car looking in the rear view mirror, so how the hell was I going to go anywhere in life if I kept looking back.
Also, I quit facebook. Seeing everybody succeeding sure wasn’t helping and I needed to focus on me and not whatever my pseudo-friends from high school were doing. The only reason I didn’t delete it entirely was I needed a way to talk to my brother because he didn’t have a cell phone I could text in South Korea. So maybe you enjoy facebook, but also be careful on how much you look at where others are going and what they’re thinking and just focus on you.
So, want it my friend. Figure out what you want to do. When I express my regrets to my therapist he always points out that I’m just one of those people that sees no point in doing something I don’t enjoy so of course I struggled (and that the depression sure didn’t help lol.)
I can talk so much more about this but I don’t want to turn this into an introspective autobiography, if that hasn’t happened already. I hope this helps.
tldr- I waited until I wanted it like a man in a desert wants water. And a lot of therapy, self-reflection, and reassuring safeguards put in place. That too.
