#stingray sting

[izaag9]

Beautiful Fishes and Stingray near President Jetty Male' Maldives

[yayabones]

becoming scorpio rising

i’m virgo sun, scorpio rising. i hadn’t really understood what that aspect of my chart meant, but i have some very special people in my life who i admire, who have revealed themselves to be rising scorpio too, so much so that i feel a magnetism to these people. revealing the mask they wear is the mask i wear, it makes sense that we vibe. 

scorpios sting, i have come to understand. i began to catch myself getting sharp, snappy, a lethal cocktail with my virgo stubborn sun.

i was becoming hyper aware of my scorpio, with signs all around me in my life, seeing scorpio imagery more as well as becoming almost c0-dependently close to some extremely important scorpio friends. 

it was the final weeks of 2017, i was in california visiting family. spending time with beloved family will often see me revert back to a state of teen angst, unwillingly. but trying to act grown around your Chinese elders who still see me as a child is a difficult task, and often they may not have come to accept your growth into your own being, into your identity, an identity who has formed their own thoughts and opinions, independently and often different from their own. within this framework i cannot express my grown-ness through formulated sentences but stumble through mood swings and rude responses.

the ancestors are within everything, they look down from above and they are aware of my regressions, they send signs to my mortal body, warnings, a slap in the face. they sent me a sign so big that i could not ignore.

as make my way down to the water on the west cost, surf board in hand, gassed to be finally free to ride the waves with my big cousin. he warned me about the dangers of the sea, but he missed one important warning. 

as i waded out into the ocean, beaming with joy to be surrounded by mama’s waters, something sharp felt like it clipped my big toe. ‘ow! i think i just got bit by a crab!’ i said to cuz, his face turned to soft panic mode. ‘i think its a sting ray ayesha!’ he said. but i refused to believe this, and convinced him i was fine and that i had to ride the waves!

but the pain was searing, and i rode the waves into the shore, exiting the water with a trail of blood dripping from my foot. 

the next three hours were some of the most agonising of my life, i even had to be put on oxygen as i couldn’t breathe from the pain. when u get a sting ray sting, you have to bathe your foot in almost boiling hot water, to break down the venom which is injected into you, which begins to solidify your blood. luckily it didn’t hit my main artery, which would have sent the venom up my leg and to my groin.

through pain you learn. re-learn to breathe in this new state of being, a state that feels like it will last forever, and it seems impossible to think what life was like b4 the pain. after pain comes gratitude. gratitude for the healing mechanisms of the body. gratitude for the healers around you to calm and ground you. gratitude for the un written lessons the feelings gave you. my lessons were learnt in the series of a events that happened in the 24 hours after the sting, with venom still coursing through my blood, i had taken on a part of the sting ray energy. i won’t share the events as they are personal, but i am deeply mournful of how i might have stung those around me. 

after accepting my actions and taking responsibility for them, i have become kin with my scorpio, learning to know when it shows its face/mask, and to control its urges to sting, myself and others. i have been sober since the first day of 2018. venom and liquor do not mix kindly. 

more on my sobriety in a future post. but for now, good bye, and thanks for reading.