boyfriend material
pairing: yukino/rogue/sting rating: t genre: humor found on ff.n and ao3 follow up to this
Which boyfriend do you take home to meet the parents when you have two?
"You what!"
Yukino almost winced at the twin exclamations of disbelief. Sting and Rogue stood before her wearing not much but the aggravation on their faces which would have been intimidating were she not accustomed to either state of undress or irritability. She twisted the hem of her dress and stared at the space where their shoulders touched. "It's not like I lied!" she said in her defense.
"You told your family," Rogue inhaled and held it until it swelled in his lungs. His face was still red. "That you have a boyfriend."
"Technically, I do." She replied, her voice small.
"Technically, you have two boyfriends." Sting pointed out. He looked less exasperated than their notoriously high blood pressure Rogue so it was him that Yukino looked to.
"Well, my family doesn't want to hear that. So they don't need to know." Conservative Catholic parents tended not to understand polyamory or any of its complex subcultures and what people did not understand, they vilified. Yukino would much rather avoid that. Nothing turned family gathering unpleasant faster than sex talk.
"Now you want one of us to go meet your parents?" Rogue's tart tone was back, just a little bit discomforting. "And just pretend the one who's not coming doesn't exist?"
Sting lit up like a bulb, his silly smile chasing warmth into Yukino's chest cavity. "I'm boyfriend material, right, Yukino? Straight girls ask me out all the time! I'll go with you. And besides," he snickered as his gaze slid towards Rogue. "Solano hates this guy."
At the reminder, Rogue colored and Yukino chuckled. "Supposing Sting does go with you, what does that make me? Chopped liver?"
"Very kind, considerate liver?" Yukino tried. Obviously things were not as grim as they initially seemed since Sting was smiling now. If it was two against one and the two happened to have the most adorable sets of puppy dog eyes, it probably wouldn't take much more.
"Nice try. I'll be going with you, Solano be damned. Sting doesn't make a very convincing straight person." Rogue slapped a hand on Sting's back. "No offense."
Yukino exhaled. It didn't matter much to her who came with her as long as one did. She never had any patience for her family's obsession about her love life since she couldn't imagine her father understanding how a sweet girl like her could have two boyfriends who were sort of full blown gay or how asexuality worked because "normal" girls her age answered to the call of lust. No, these things were best kept away from the Agria home. Yukino couldn't stand the idea of her family misunderstanding her sexuality and saying something that could hurt her. She was quite easily hurt, too.
"That works out. Sting might say something that would destroy all this effort." At Sting's sound of protest, Yukino grinned sheepishly. "No offense."
Sting huffed. "I don't think you guys understand this 'no offense' thing."
Yukino simpered, trying to be empathetic. "I am sorry we have to hide, but you know people don't really understand." And you know I really don't like explaining because I don't owe anyone an excuse for being myself.
The boys' features softened on queue. They had such fierce feelings for their girlfriend and hated seeing her so upset. "Now don't start acting like you're imposing on us. We love you." It was Rogue who spoke, and his easy confession which almost always never came so easy startled Yukino and Sting. Now it was them who shared expressions, both of their mouths forming a small O.
"He truly is boyfriend material," Sting remarked with an awed voice, so silly of him, just to thin out the air. It felt like a victory when Yukino smiled.
"We'll just have to make sure you don't grab my boob in front of my sister and you'll be good."
Rogue's neck went red. "How many times do I have to tell you it was an accident!"
So now, imagine the classic boyfriend-about-to-meet-the-family scenario straight out of every heterosexual romcom: Rogue in a dark dress shirt that Yukino had to properly iron for him, barely concealing his fidget and Yukino fussing with his collar beneath his outercoat since he somehow managed to rumple it during the fifty minute drive from their dorms.
"Stop, stop." Rogue hissed as his hands swat at Yukino's fingers buttoning up the shirt to the last suffocating button. "Chill out or this will be over before it begins."
Yukino clenched her hands into fists at her side. "That doesn't make me any less nervous, you know."
"Please, let's just get this over with. I'm already too hetlagged and its barely 12." Rogue began rapping the knuckles of his longest fingers on the door.
And of course it was Solano who answered. God was just a really funny dude that way.
The older Agria sister didn't even greet her beloved sister before aiming her biting look at Rogue. "I was hoping it was that blond one you hooked up with, sis."
Rogue almost scoffed and said 'fat chance' but he remained silent against the abuse. This was exactly why he was the better option than Sting. He had so much more self-control and a lesser likeliness to drag all the cats out of the bags. "It's nice to see you as well, Solano." He said back tartly. And since the farce wasn't progressing, he put a hand on Yukino's lower back to urge her forward.
Yukino grinned at her sister instead of saying anything and pushed inside. The door closed behind Rogue.
"Where are mom and dad?" Yukino asked as she removed her jacket.
"They're just about done cooking." Solano, in a rare show of propriety, reached out to take her sister's coat, then turned to Rogue and cocked a brow, as if waiting for his.
Always, always, always missing cues with his girlfriend's unnerving sister, Rogue jerkily shrugged out of his parka and handed it over with a low thanks. Solano wasn't an easily tempered creature and many times Rogue knew not if she was going to laugh at something he'd say or stick a fork in his neck for it. He'd always tread softly around her even before she'd witnessed the infamous moment that Rogue accidentally grabbed Yukino's breast. Sting had laughed at that but wasn't that easy for himꟷ Sting didn't have to do a safety sweep of his apartment every time he came home.
"Well, come on, lovebirds. Dinner shall be served."
Mother and Father Agria were all too pleased to meet the first ever boy that their baby brought home.
"We'd been worrying, you know," started Yukino's mother as she piled on marble potatoes, chicken and asparagus on Rogue's plate. Rogue balanced eye contact with too much at once: Yukino's father, Yukino's mother, the easily overflowing herbed gravy on his chicken, Solano's icy look and Yukino's uneasy one. "She never showed an interest in boys. We were starting to think she was, uh, one of those les-beans."
"Mom, honestly," Yukino just barely resisted rolling her eyes.
"And you're the first one she brought to meet us." Yukino's dad stated cheerfully with a raised glass. "Now, Solano has brought a lot of boyfriends home. And" he continued hastily, just before Solano could gripe, "There's nothing wrong with that, darling. You're a woman capable of making your own choices and I did like some of them. I just wish they'd stay around, you know? I really liked that Jellal fellow. The engineer, right?"
Solano scoffed. At twenty-five, she still managed to look like a sulky teenager as she stabbed at her carrots. "I told you, he wasn't my boyfriend. He was my lab partner and you just made him sit down for dinner. That's ways away from bringing someone home."
"I thought you two suited each other." The older man said with a sniff.
"Did you get that impression between the first and fiftieth time he mentioned his girlfriend? Dr Firecrotch with a PhD in Renaissance Warfare?"
"All right, you two, don't get snippy." Just like that, Mother Agria put the kibosh on a steadily rising tension. "We don't want to look bad in front of our guest."
"Don't worry about it, Mrs Agria." Rogue, in an effort to avoid more eye contact, stared intensely at the potato his dinner knife was splitting in half. Baby, he could hear Sting sneer in his mind. "Your home is lovely." That seemed like a nice, heterosexual thing to say. They said shit about lovely homes and good scotch and great gravy. Oh, he should comment on the gravy. "This gravy is great. It reminds me of what my mom used to make."
Yukino stared at him as if he'd grown a second head. Oh, right. He'd never met his mother. Rogue shrugged at her, as if by that action he could relay the panicked message of sorry im just trying to speak like a straight person!
To which Yukino's glare deepened. Well, stop it. You sound stupid, it seemed to say.
"Oh, thank you, sweet boy." Mrs Agria chirped, and to show her appreciation, dumped more food into Rogue's plate, much to his dread. He could never eat well in tense situations.
"Ah, mom, not so much. Rogue… takes medicine. He can't eat too much." Yukino finished lamely. It dawned on her how dangerous it was to say lies that have not been preplanned. Rogue's annoyed look confirmed her newfangled sentiments.
"Medicine for what?" Mr Agria said from the head of the table, in the tone of a man suspicious of drugs.
"Ah. Uhh…" Rogue could feel Solano's irritated stare despite not seeing her face. "I'm, uh, Midichloric?" Yeah, real nice, dumbass. Tell them you can Force control the cutlery next. "Uh, it's something or other in my blood. Kind of like anemia."
The Agrias looked confused and were all in telepathic agreement that any medical conditions were too delicate to be discussed in the dinner table. Yukino looked mortified.
They were all saved from furthering the conversation by loud banging against the front door.
"Yukino! I know you're in there! I've come to fight for your hand!"
Rogue began to choke on the bite of chicken that had lodged itself in his throat. Yukino's face made a play on several different emotions before settling on astonishment. The other Agrias exchanged what was not the first look of confusion tonight.
"What on earth?" Mr Agria began, before pounding on the door cut him off.
"YUKINO! It is I, Sting! Let me in and face the emotions I have for you!"
Mrs Agria looked apprehensive before deciding to open the door. Not long after, Sting came into view (not after a noisy detour into the kitchen he mistook for the dining room). He found his girlfriend slapping a hand on Rogue's back.
"Rogue, you bastard! Unhand my woman or you will have these fists!"
Teary-eyed from the near death experience a la chicken, Rogue aimed a bark-peeling glare at his boyfriend. "You stupid little-"
"What is going on here?" Mr Agria boomed from the head of the table, having had enough of the puzzled glances he exchanged with his wife and eldest.
"Hello, Agrias. I am Sting. Rightful lover of your fair Yukino." Despite the odd speech he seemed to adopt (and Yukino could only guess that while Rogue based his heterosexual persona from whatever CW Prep School Bullshit he saw on TV, Sting assumed his from period dramas), he sat down on the vacant chair beside Rogue, an innocuous look on him. "The feast looks amazing."
"Please, help yourself." Mrs Agria offered instead of the what is going on? that she wanted to say.
"Lover?" said Mr Agria this time.
"What the fuck?" said Solano. "You have two boyfriends, Yukino?"
"No!" Yukino shrieked, panicked at hearing the words she never wanted any of her family to utter.
"I'm the boyfriend!" Rogue said, exasperation clear on his face, all of it directed at Sting who had begun to help himself to the food.
"I've come to fight you for her. You don't deserve sweet Yukino." Sting countered.
"So you're two-timing them?" Solano said. "Way to go, sister. Who knew you had it in you?"
"No you don't get it-"
Mrs Agria looked pleased as she aimed a pointed look at her husband. "Oh, honey, and here we were all worried about Yukino never having a boyfriend. Now she has two."
Mr Agria nodded.
"There were a dozen men fighting for Yukino when we began. Rogue and I eliminated the competition. By combat." Sting volunteered. When Rogue and Yukino gave him exaggerated looks that angrily suggested he shut the fuck up, Sting sent them a subtle thumbs up.
"Oh, is that right?"
"Sting's joking, mom." Yukino cut in before Sting could say anything else. This was bad. This was so bad. They didn't plan all the lies out and one of them might say something incriminating. "I think we have to go now, mom, dad. Sorry. Rogue has to be home. Uh, for his medicine. You know, the mitochondria thing-"
"Midicloric," Rogue corrected, not helpfully, by the fed up look Yukino sent his way.
"Isn't that from Star W-" Sting began to say. Rogue slapped a hand over his mouth.
"We don't want to ruin lunch with my gruesome diagnosis, do we?" Rogue said before laughing a fake, strained laugh.
"Yes, so we really have to go." Yukino started to rise, pushing her chair back.
Sting licked at Rogue's palm before Rogue drew it away, disgusted. "But I haven't even started eating yet."
"We can have McDonald's on the way back to school." Rogue said through gritted teeth. He rose, same as Yukino, dragging Sting up by the collar of his shirt. "The food was really good, sir, ma'am. And it was nice to meet you."
"I'm sorry, mom, we'll come back some other time, when Rogue is well." Yukino already started inching towards the doorway, hoping Sting wouldn't say anything else and trying to tell both boys to move faster by telepathy.
"Nice meeting you, Agrias!" Sting called out before Rogue's hold on his shirt choked him and he was dragged out of the room.
The front door sounded and the remaining three occupants of the dining table listened to an inaudible but loud argument as Yukino, Sting and Rogue got into the car.
When the car sped away, Mr Agria finally piped up again. "What did the boy say he was sick with again?"
"It sounded serious," said Mrs Agria. "But anyway, I can't wait to tell Angela. She was always bragging about how many suitors her daughter has."
"Angela? From church?"
"And you gave me grief for dating around. Yukino has two boyfriends, dad."
"I said I didn't mind the quantity, just the quality."
"I can't believe you, Sting! That was the most irresponsible thing you've done to date." Yukino huffed hard enough to send her bangs flying. "Now my parents think I'm dating two men!"
"Well, you are!" Sting cried defensively. "At least they seemed excited."
From the passenger seat, Rogue shook his head. "That's not the point. You could have made things very bad for Yukino. We had a plan, Sting."
"Oh yeah? Did that plan include you being terminally ill with Jedi Powers?"
Rogue sputtered. "That was not my fault!"
"You could have come up with an actual disease, okay?" Yukino said.
"Oh, sure, I'll prepare a better list of serious ailments just in case you randomly decide to tell people that I have time-sensitive dosages."
"Meeting the parents seems like a lot of work." Sting remarked.
"Maybe we can scale back on the lies for Christmas," Yukino suggested.
"Maybe you can pretend to be single for Christmas," Rogue muttered. He could feel a headache throb behind his eyes.
