Vulnerable Memoir of The Unnameless
It was the summer after my high school graduation. I’m laying on my zebra print comforter contrasted with the black and purple paint coating the walls in my room while blasting The Pretty Reckless’s new album “Going to Hell”. My phone chimes and a smirk forms on my lips, catching me off guard. “Long Day and I’m exhausted but it’s your last night in town, I’m coming over. ” In a panic, I scour my room picking up lose clothes, soda cans, and random guitar picks. My hands start to shake. “What is happening? I feel like I’m going to faint.” my inner voice yells making my ears ring. There a calmness in my head when I look at phones Lock Screen background, but my heart rate spikes. “I really need to lay off the energy drinks.” I finish picking up and grab my guitar. Plucking away at the strings letting my feeling flow through my fingers into the vibrations with every chord. I forget where I am and lose myself in between the beats somewhere.
A snap back to reality when a tender and all to familiar voice pokes its head through the door frame “Heyooo” and my body is met with a crashing force of sheer euphoria as the recognition lingers it way down my spine. “Hey Z!” The next thing I know I’m tackled and devoured in a hug. It had been a minute since I last saw Z.
After I graduated it seemed my time with everyone was becoming less and less as I prepared to take the freshman plunge into college. The hug lasted for moment. “I missed you and I have so much to tell you!” Z whispered as they pulled out of our embrace. “Missed you too Z, so what’s new?” We carried on our conversation discussing our disdain for our jobs, any boys that tried to come our way, and what our lives were going to be like once the first semester started.
You see, Six months ago I made the decision to leave my nest, flap my wings, and try to fly on my own. I chose to attend a college 4 hours away from everything I was comfortable with.
“We have to stay in touch and make plans to visit all the time”. Z mumbled.
I could hear the sorrow in their voice. “I promise I’m always going to be here. I’m just a phone call or a several hours away”.
I looked at Z and felt a pit form in my stomach. “What am I doing? I should just stay.” I thought to myself.
“I know what you’re thinking A.. you need to do this. I want you to do this. The last 10 months have been absolutely incredible and although I wish you could be closer so that we could continue, I am so immensely proud and happy you’ll get to have this experience.”
I nodded my head knowing full well they are more stubborn than I am, but something still felt wrong.
We continued the night laughing and singing along to Smile by Uncle Cracker dancing around making the most of the time we had. There were faint interruptions from my mother laughing at us and making some half assed statement about us acting like children again.
Exhaustion set in and we collapsed on my bed. I laid on my back and shut my eyes. Z laid next to me humming along to the music in the background. Their eyes looked heavy. They scurried away from the edge of bed. Ultimately closer to me, but I know that wasn’t the intention. It was a full size bed. We had fallen off the edge before. They nestled into their place and I ran my fingers up and down their back feeling the grooves on their spine. All the while they faded into their dreams. I could only imagine the dreams Z had with how their mind worked in such a brilliant a beautiful way. We fell asleep that way.
A few hours later, we woke up in the mood for some Hagen Daz. We headed to the store. The drive was quiet. I stared out the window tracing the stars with my fingertips. I knew we’d stay in touch and everything would be fine, but I couldn’t shake this feeling that I needed to cherish this night even though I was dreading the goodbye at the end. The mood changed as soon as we got out of the car. I took off running to the nearest shopping cart. My feet never cooperating attempted to do a two step that turned into a 3 step tumble. Many called me clumsy.
The rest of our shopping trip we spent reminiscing over all the inside jokes and giggles shared. We rummaged through the store, snacks galore, Z pushing me around in the cart. They always knew how to embrace my inner child.
When we got back to my place we settled down on the living room couch. Lights off, nothing but the tv screen illuminating off our frail skin. As much as my mom enjoyed having Z around we were notorious for making our nighttime rendezvous stretch out, so she said goodnight and told Z to not be a stranger In my absence. My family always embraced my friendship with Z.
“My family really does love you. You know?”
I said as I melted into the couch.
“I’m just me, but I’m glad they like me”.
I can’t quite remember what we watched that night, but I could take a safe bet it had something do with angsty teen dramatics or an extremely intuitive British detective. We always bonded through the pop culture we immersed ourselves in. Music, books, tv shows, movies… our latest celebrity crush.. it was all up for conversation and we could have gone on for hours on one of those matters alone.
The night lingered on and I dropped my head falling into an ice cream induced slumber. I don’t know how long Z let me sleep that night. It was a miracle I ever got any sleep those days. Insomnia-tic episodes were running rampant while I was riddled with anxiety about my departure. Z always let me sleep.. always knew exactly what I needed.
I woke up that night to Z gently tapping my shoulder. “A, you should really get some sleep in real bed. You have a long drive ahead of you tomorrow.” Just then I felt my heart shatter into tiny fragments. The sharp edges tearing into my skin from the inside out. A sadness overcame me that I had yet to encounter.
“You don’t get to feel this way… you don’t feel this way.” My subconscious muttered over and over again.
Still, the shards made my skin burn. My once dreary state now encroached under a blanket of remorse for what I would eventually miss. A harsh realization that I didn’t not want the night to end, but with a mere glance I could see Z was on their last leg of energy and suddenly all my worry shifted from myself to making sure they would get home in one piece. I smirked at Z “I think we both need some rest.”
We made our way out to the driveway and stopped just short of Z’s car. We both knew what was coming next and with blatant disregard to our sheer exhaustion we climbed into the car without a word spoken. Z turned on their car, plugged in an old IPOD and scrolled vicariously through the playlist. We both know what we needed to send the night off.
So many memories, they’re all so bittersweet
So many avenues back to where we were
“Hey Z, thanks for tonight. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you out there. I’m the lucky one.”
“You’re going to make everyone so proud. You already have. I hope this brings you all the happiness and success you deserve and I hope I’m there by your side to see it all happen. One day when we are racing wheel chairs in the nursing home, we will look back on this a know we did exactly what we needed to do. I love you A and I’m going I miss the shit out of you.”
“I love you too Z. Thank you for everything.”
Words lingering as they parted from my lips.
“The fuck is going on with me?” My inner thoughts banging in my head like a Slip Knot drum solo.
We sat there for a moment avoiding the inevitable. The silence was never awkward for us. We just sat there. We didn’t need to speak anymore. We had said everything we needed to say and anything we might have wanted to add the other could pick up on it with just a look. After a few minutes, it was time to go. We said our peace and clung to our see you laters. I climbed out the car and watched the red hue of Z’s taillights flood the streets and nearby houses. That fainting feel I had earlier in the day returned without a second thought. My heart and mind pleaded with my legs to chase after the red glow in the night, but it was as if my muscles had petrified and I was frozen in place.
My heart decided something in that night and it wasn’t until months later that my mind fully understood what that was.