Oct 17, 2014
day six of ten of detox!
I see the light at the end of the tunnel! Superfood? Goji, are you into them?
ENJOY. let me know what you think. Shout at me on twitter @lanekennedy.
seen from Sweden
seen from United States
seen from Türkiye
seen from United States
seen from Spain
seen from Indonesia
seen from United States
seen from India
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Singapore
seen from Indonesia
seen from Switzerland
seen from China
seen from Indonesia
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Netherlands
seen from Brazil
day six of ten of detox!
I see the light at the end of the tunnel! Superfood? Goji, are you into them?
ENJOY. let me know what you think. Shout at me on twitter @lanekennedy.
Spiritual Interventions and Life
A friend of mine celebrated a birthday recently and left me this message, “Lane, I can’t believe I’m this old. What’s happening? I’m not getting anything done. I should...”
After I heard the message, the words kept bouncing around my head. I got a little empathetic because I’m familiar with the “I should...” statement. This voice lives in my head, it nags me and keeps me small. Whoa! Let’s get real, Lane! Hold the horses and the crazy voice. I don’t live small anymore!
If I reflect on my life and the birthdays I’ve celebrated, it’s all been amazing, I’ve been able to live through the exceptional times and those that were grueling. Different time zones, financial losses, sexual identity crisis, blessings of security, psychiatric pangs, and full tilt rock-n-roll JOY have all been a part of life for me! (Did you notice that I prefaced this sentence with “if”? -- Not alway easy to do.)
Let me share some of my story with you. I am a huge fan of working hard, playing hard, and making a lot of money. I love money, don’t you? I use to believe that my job, or the amount of money that I made represented me. I don’t think like this anymore, thank goodness. I use to work long hours, long weeks, long continuous months on campaigns, and startups. I did that because I was single and didn’t care much about my body, my well-being, essentially my life. All I cared about was making sure that I had a large bank account of money to do the things I wanted to do… I loved buying expensive things for people. I loved paying for dinners. I loved having lots of shoes. I loved traveling. I loved first class!
I worked non-stop for years until I became ill; this was in 1996. I couldn’t get up the stairs to my house, my hair was falling out, my skin was turning yellow, I felt like my bones were going to break, it was horrible. Finally, I was broken. I believe this was one of my first spiritual interventions. I couldn’t do much at this point in the game of life, my body was too achy, I was forced to go on hiatus. The doctors I saw couldn’t help, they had no idea what was going on with me… I turned to literature and discovered Ernest Holmes and Buddhism, thank god! My life became simple and clean. I learned how to breath slowly and sit. I gave up diet coke. I gave up working all hours of the day and night. I gave up french fries, and wine; I gave up Snicker’s bars and doughnuts. I gave it all up, even the money. From this time in 1996, I realized that I had to slow down; I had to do something different. I had to give myself room to breath or I was going to die.
After months of living like this, I began to feel better and look better, but inside I felt hollow. I needed more. So, what did I do?
I packed my bags and travelled to South East Asia where I would have my second spiritual intervention. I volunteered at an NGO where I created and implemented a program for the women of Bangkok -- getting them off the streets and out of prostitution, it was brutal. Living in a country where no one cares about you, and no one knows your story certainly allows you to create the life you want to live. It allowed me to be who I had never known. I uncovered and discovered me, I became familiar with my true self. I began to help these women find their way, into their lives. Teaching became effortless, everything was easy. I learned that merely “being” in my life was enough. Everything began to easily unfold for me, I felt amazing. Living in BBK was a time I will never forget, from this experience I learned how to listen, not only to others but also to the calm voice deep within my heart that guides me to my best self.
I reflect on this time because it brought me such relief and freedom from chasing a “life” that I thought I was suppose to be living. Do you, or have you chased something in your life, like I have?
Five years ago I became pregnant and had my miracle baby. The doctors who could never diagnose me also told me that I would never be able to conceive, boy were they wrong! I had Adrian and was thrown into my fifteenth spiritual intervention (spiritual interventions three- fourteen are for another time), which was actually a crisis. I call this time a crisis because I felt like I was dying a slow and painful death with a young and vibrant soul at my side. This time emptied my insides. I felt broken again. I became a milk machine, robotic to a fault. I threw myself into being the “perfect” mom. I began to chase again. I chased the: ”if I did this, then this will happen” idea--I would be the perfect mom, and my kid would be perfect too. That didn’t lead me to success. I had no idea what to do, or how to manage this new life, and I needed help. My husband, the most generous person I know, had no answers for me. My mother was no longer in my life, and all of my girlfriends were still single and doing the crazy single life. I had nothing. I cried. I hid in the bathroom. I walked. I sweat. I silently held my breath at night. I silently held my thoughts. I talked to my son. I prayed. I waited. Perseverance became my ally.
I wanted nothing to do with the women at the playground, they all wore Tory Burch shoes, had fancy strollers and talked about which Pilates Studio they worked out at--NOT my people. Nothing against them; I just couldn’t relate. I wanted nothing to do with “mom groups,” so I continued to isolate. I walked alone with my kid in his stroller for what seemed like months… Until one day when I met Caroline, a mom like me.
Spiritual intervention sixteen happened as Caroline and I sat talking business--not poop, nor sleep schedules, or motherhood. We created the SF Mom Entrepreneur, a group dedicated to helping other like-minded moms come together to talk about their non-baby lives and talk business. We grew from the two of us to hundreds of us; it was another amazing time in my life. I was able to breathe again, I was in the flow of life, not forcing anything to happen, only being present and trying to be helpful to the community. I could feel my heart again.
Time is funny. I look back over the past five years and although it seems like yesterday Adrian was born. I can also remember the sticky smelly air of BBK against my skin. My memory holds on to moments sublime; it’s amazing, and I’m grateful. My spiritual interventions are frequent enough to know that there are no accidents in life; these moments have occurred to keep me on my path. I don’t want to miss anything, not time with my husband, especially not the time with my son, nor the women I work with who I guide to redesign and re-invent themselves.
I never want to be in a position of “chasing” or romanticizing what should have been, or what could have been. I appreciate the call from my friend who was celebrating her birthday and sharing with me that she felt like she wasn’t getting anything done as it gave me a serious moment to reflect! I have to remember that each day, I have a choice and that choice is simple: I either live differently from my brain’s default mode -- (which for me is “chasing” or trying to make something happen with all my might) or I allow my spiritual practice and principles guide me to my best self. My practice includes these principles, rather simple, here is a list to consider:
1- Breathe slowly
2- Listen
3- Acceptance
4- Honesty
5- Brotherly Love
6- Perseverance
7- Humility
8- Ask for help
9- Patience
10- Forgiveness
11- Take Responsibility and take Action!
It’s not always easy to live with them or by them, but from my experience it’s always worth it.
Have you signed up for my FIVE DAY KickStarter for the Straightforward Life? For five short days I will send you my quick-tip tool kit to start living the Straightforward Life for business and fun! Join me it's free!
Spiritual Interventions and Life
A friend of mine celebrated a birthday recently and left me this message, “Lane, I can’t believe I’m this old. What’s happening? I’m not getting anything done. I should...”
After I heard the message, the words kept bouncing around my head. I got a little empathetic because I’m familiar with the “I should...” statement. This voice lives in my head, it nags me and keeps me small. Whoa! Let’s get real, Lane! Hold the horses and the crazy voice. I don’t live small anymore!
If I reflect on my life and the birthdays I’ve celebrated, it’s all been amazing, I’ve been able to live through the exceptional times and those that were grueling. Different time zones, financial losses, sexual identity crisis, blessings of security, psychiatric pangs, and full tilt rock-n-roll JOY have all been a part of life for me! (Did you notice that I prefaced this sentence with “if”? -- Not alway easy to do.)
Let me share some of my story with you. I am a huge fan of working hard, playing hard, and making a lot of money. I love money, don’t you? I use to believe that my job, or the amount of money that I made represented me. I don’t think like this anymore, thank goodness. I use to work long hours, long weeks, long continuous months on campaigns, and startups. I did that because I was single and didn’t care much about my body, my well-being, essentially my life. All I cared about was making sure that I had a large bank account of money to do the things I wanted to do… I loved buying expensive things for people. I loved paying for dinners. I loved having lots of shoes. I loved traveling. I loved first class!
I worked non-stop for years until I became ill; this was in 1996. I couldn’t get up the stairs to my house, my hair was falling out, my skin was turning yellow, I felt like my bones were going to break, it was horrible. Finally, I was broken. I believe this was one of my first spiritual interventions. I couldn’t do much at this point in the game of life, my body was too achy, I was forced to go on hiatus. The doctors I saw couldn’t help, they had no idea what was going on with me… I turned to literature and discovered Ernest Holmes and Buddhism, thank god! My life became simple and clean. I learned how to breath slowly and sit. I gave up diet coke. I gave up working all hours of the day and night. I gave up french fries, and wine; I gave up Snicker’s bars and doughnuts. I gave it all up, even the money. From this time in 1996, I realized that I had to slow down; I had to do something different. I had to give myself room to breath or I was going to die.
After months of living like this, I began to feel better and look better, but inside I felt hollow. I needed more. So, what did I do?
I packed my bags and travelled to South East Asia where I would have my second spiritual intervention. I volunteered at an NGO where I created and implemented a program for the women of Bangkok -- getting them off the streets and out of prostitution, it was brutal. Living in a country where no one cares about you, and no one knows your story certainly allows you to create the life you want to live. It allowed me to be who I had never known. I uncovered and discovered me, I became familiar with my true self. I began to help these women find their way, into their lives. Teaching became effortless, everything was easy. I learned that merely “being” in my life was enough. Everything began to easily unfold for me, I felt amazing. Living in BBK was a time I will never forget, from this experience I learned how to listen, not only to others but also to the calm voice deep within my heart that guides me to my best self.
I reflect on this time because it brought me such relief and freedom from chasing a “life” that I thought I was suppose to be living. Do you, or have you chased something in your life, like I have?
Five years ago I became pregnant and had my miracle baby. The doctors who could never diagnose me also told me that I would never be able to conceive, boy were they wrong! I had Adrian and was thrown into my fifteenth spiritual intervention (spiritual interventions three- fourteen are for another time), which was actually a crisis. I call this time a crisis because I felt like I was dying a slow and painful death with a young and vibrant soul at my side. This time emptied my insides. I felt broken again. I became a milk machine, robotic to a fault. I threw myself into being the “perfect” mom. I began to chase again. I chased the: ”if I did this, then this will happen” idea--I would be the perfect mom, and my kid would be perfect too. That didn’t lead me to success. I had no idea what to do, or how to manage this new life, and I needed help. My husband, the most generous person I know, had no answers for me. My mother was no longer in my life, and all of my girlfriends were still single and doing the crazy single life. I had nothing. I cried. I hid in the bathroom. I walked. I sweat. I silently held my breath at night. I silently held my thoughts. I talked to my son. I prayed. I waited. Perseverance became my ally.
I wanted nothing to do with the women at the playground, they all wore Tory Burch shoes, had fancy strollers and talked about which Pilates Studio they worked out at--NOT my people. Nothing against them; I just couldn’t relate. I wanted nothing to do with “mom groups,” so I continued to isolate. I walked alone with my kid in his stroller for what seemed like months… Until one day when I met Caroline, a mom like me.
Spiritual intervention sixteen happened as Caroline and I sat talking business--not poop, nor sleep schedules, or motherhood. We created the SF Mom Entrepreneur, a group dedicated to helping other like-minded moms come together to talk about their non-baby lives and talk business. We grew from the two of us to hundreds of us; it was another amazing time in my life. I was able to breathe again, I was in the flow of life, not forcing anything to happen, only being present and trying to be helpful to the community. I could feel my heart again.
Time is funny. I look back over the past five years and although it seems like yesterday Adrian was born. I can also remember the sticky smelly air of BBK against my skin. My memory holds on to moments sublime; it’s amazing, and I’m grateful. My spiritual interventions are frequent enough to know that there are no accidents in life; these moments have occurred to keep me on my path. I don’t want to miss anything, not time with my husband, especially not the time with my son, nor the women I work with who I guide to redesign and re-invent themselves.
I never want to be in a position of “chasing” or romanticizing what should have been, or what could have been. I appreciate the call from my friend who was celebrating her birthday and sharing with me that she felt like she wasn’t getting anything done as it gave me a serious moment to reflect! I have to remember that each day, I have a choice and that choice is simple: I either live differently from my brain’s default mode -- (which for me is “chasing” or trying to make something happen with all my might) or I allow my spiritual practice and principles guide me to my best self. My practice includes these principles, rather simple, here is a list to consider:
1- Breathe slowly
2- Listen
3- Acceptance
4- Honesty
5- Brotherly Love
6- Perseverance
7- Humility
8- Ask for help
9- Patience
10- Forgiveness
11- Take Responsibility and take Action!
It’s not always easy to live with them or by them, but from my experience it’s always worth it.
Have you signed up for my FIVE DAY KickStarter for the Straightforward Life? For five short days I will send you my quick-tip tool kit to start living the Straightforward Life for business and fun! Join me it's free!
The art of networking & World Domination
The art of networking.
As a young child I had what people called a presence. As I grew up I would be the girl who would be driving the car before I was of age, and purchasing the beer with either no ID or the fake ID. (And if that didn’t work, I was the one asking the older boys to buy…) I always got what I wanted because I was always able to ask, I truly cared for people and I was nice. But as the years passed by it became more and more challenging to carry this presence with me. I started modeling and life became weird, it was about who you knew, who knew you, and your networking abilities.
I remember being able to walk into any room and have all eyes on me. Totally overwhelming, I got use to it. I was young. I had my “hair,” “legs,” an outfit, my smile, and who was on my arm to make it easy.
There was a lot going on in my 20s, lots of people, lots of late nights, lots of truth or dare. Then it stopped. “It” meaning the magic, the ease. When I turned 26 my life fell apart and I was forced to make some fairly large decisions, I was to either turn left and end up in total tragedy, or turn right and try something else. I didn’t officially chose a direction, but a direction was definitely chosen for me.
I went underground for what seemed like an eternity, I had to stop doing everything that was familiar to me and learn how to live differently. I learned to blend in and be subtle. WOW that was a game-changer. I also learned the art of shaking hands, and NOT HUGGING!
Holy crap! Everyone in the industry gave hugs, I couldn’t stand it, but I was a part of the show, so I hugged too. (I hated smelling like other people, still do today…) During that time of discovery I even learned how to mix business and spirituality, how to turn the conversation about me to about you, where to invest my time/energy and truly evaluate my intentions with each relationship, it was an awakening time.
As I see it, The World Domination Summit will be an entry point back into the working world and how I use to live all the time, my networking game on!
How am I going to do this? There is Tactic One— The “flow” plan, just show up and go with the flow, and then be disappointed if I don’t get the results I want… be totally tore up about not meeting someone or getting the information that I am looking for… that would be tragedy.
HA. NOT. No, I’m not just showing up… and going with the flow. Nope. I’m opting for Tactic Two — The “lose” plan. The whole goal of me going to this specific summit is to meet my people, people in my industry, people who I relate too, people who I want to play with… I want to meet these people live, in person. Who are they!? What do I need to do? I need to take straightforward actions. These are the very specific networking steps that I have planned out and will take:
arrive early
sign up for all activities that are intriguing to me
say hello to people, smile!
have business cards on me at all times and hand them out
My business card is a bit quirky so it will be easy to talk to someone when I hand it over to them
carry small pad of paper with me to take notes
or install bump app
pre summit send out invites to people I’m interested in meeting
get on social media and talk about why I’m at the conference
ask people how I can help them
ask for business cards or contact information
write follow up emails immediately upon meeting—that night and then the following week
volunteer to clean up or help out where I can
leave late
As the days go by I will let you know how it goes! My goal is fairly small - meet 100 people. Do you think I can do it?
What do you think?
Until next time.
Hugs, and cheerios.
Lane
Being a Woman.
I have been watching women all of my life, I love women. I fell in love with women in 2nd grade. I owe this to my second grade teacher who shared her world with me, she wore her fashionable muted brown and green 70’s attire, traveled to foreign destinations, told fun stories and was single!
She taught me how to read, and live in the adventure of a story, but more importantly she showed me how to smile on the inside. As I reflect on this I realize that she was subtly teaching me how to be a woman. I secretly wanted her life, I wanted to be her.
Being a woman is an incredible journey, I have nothing to compare it to, I have never been anything else. Although, I can compare the decades of my life as a woman. My 20s were rough; drugs, drinking, early days of modeling, late nights, an endless progression of sleeping with nameless men and women. Endless days of waking with hangovers so bad I couldn’t move in fear of my heart exploding or stopping depending on what I was coming down from. Being a woman in my 20s was trying, I was trying to be it, trying to fit in, trying to be right, trying to look the part.
Every day I wore deep red lipstick and heals, everyday I passed (as in didn’t eat) on at least two meals, everyday I drank at least two diet cokes. The 20s were filled with shoulder pads, bad outfits, lots of shoes, and bleached hair.
Being a woman is learning how to slow down and breath, not to rush it. I know this now, not ten years ago.
I look back at my 30s and can barely see those years, they were fast and furious. I was a hustler. I played the game to succeed and be seen, to make more money and have more things. I traveled more and saw the world, tried to do good, and make up for the previous years of self indulgence. My 30s gave me a place in the world to feel secure and confident with my decisions, everything I did always worked out for the best. Being a woman in my 30s led me to search for answers and find solace (9/11).
In my mid 30s I walked away from everything I knew to be me, and happily dropped out from my comfort zone called hustling for money and prestige. I divorced myself from every personal, comfortable item I owned. I was finally able to fall in love, with a man. My thirties were a time of suits, jeans, cashmere and mascara, my hair began to show it's grey self and I covered it every three weeks.
Being a woman is incredibly comfortable.
Here I am in my 40s now, a wife and a mother, two circumstances I never thought possible, nor that I would be living. Two very different points of view I have had to learn about, only through experience over time. I have realized that I may be in the last half of my life.
Mortality has revealed itself to me, it’s so strange. I am no more hopeless or lost or questioning everything I do, no more trying to be something I am not. Being a woman now is everything, it is knowing who I am and what I am doing. It is about seeing the world and seeing how I can be useful, how I can help others. I love knowing that as I become older I also become wiser, I am no longer guessing. I am able to observe and share stories with other women who ask how to live differently. I have 20 and 30 year old women tapping me on my shoulder asking me how to live, how to be in the world, how to handle life circumstances, how to survive the daily grind. I never knew that I could ask for help, I never thought that another woman would share with me like I do. I feel like I missed out on that, or perhaps it’s just a different now and younger women recognize that they need help, and they ask. They don’t want to live in the “rough”, or “hustling” times as I did. They want to be free and happy they want to be released from the natural state of self doubt and lack of self esteem, they want to be more, I hear it everyday.
We live in such an interesting time. I am grateful that I am a woman who knows herself and who has traveled an unhinged, adventurous, full life, who craves being helpful. Today, I practice daily reflection, patience, and accept all of my grey hairs with an inner smile that Ms. Brown would be proud of after all these years.
Don't miss the Straightforward Challenge Sign up for the release date. See you there!
Being a Woman.
I have been watching women all of my life, I love women. I fell in love with women in 2nd grade. I owe this to my second grade teacher who shared her world with me, she wore her fashionable muted brown and green 70’s attire, traveled to foreign destinations, told fun stories and was single!
She taught me how to read, and live in the adventure of a story, but more importantly she showed me how to smile on the inside. As I reflect on this I realize that she was subtly teaching me how to be a woman. I secretly wanted her life, I wanted to be her.
Being a woman is an incredible journey, I have nothing to compare it to, I have never been anything else. Although, I can compare the decades of my life as a woman. My 20s were rough; drugs, drinking, early days of modeling, late nights, an endless progression of sleeping with nameless men and women. Endless days of waking with hangovers so bad I couldn’t move in fear of my heart exploding or stopping depending on what I was coming down from. Being a woman in my 20s was trying, I was trying to be it, trying to fit in, trying to be right, trying to look the part.
Every day I wore deep red lipstick and heals, everyday I passed (as in didn’t eat) on at least two meals, everyday I drank at least two diet cokes. The 20s were filled with shoulder pads, bad outfits, lots of shoes, and bleached hair.
Being a woman is learning how to slow down and breath, not to rush it. I know this now, not ten years ago.
I look back at my 30s and can barely see those years, they were fast and furious. I was a hustler. I played the game to succeed and be seen, to make more money and have more things. I traveled more and saw the world, tried to do good, and make up for the previous years of self indulgence. My 30s gave me a place in the world to feel secure and confident with my decisions, everything I did always worked out for the best. Being a woman in my 30s led me to search for answers and find solace (9/11).
In my mid 30s I walked away from everything I knew to be me, and happily dropped out from my comfort zone called hustling for money and prestige. I divorced myself from every personal, comfortable item I owned. I was finally able to fall in love, with a man. My thirties were a time of suits, jeans, cashmere and mascara, my hair began to show it's grey self and I covered it every three weeks.
Being a woman is incredibly comfortable.
Here I am in my 40s now, a wife and a mother, two circumstances I never thought possible, nor that I would be living. Two very different points of view I have had to learn about, only through experience over time. I have realized that I may be in the last half of my life.
Mortality has revealed itself to me, it’s so strange. I am no more hopeless or lost or questioning everything I do, no more trying to be something I am not. Being a woman now is everything, it is knowing who I am and what I am doing. It is about seeing the world and seeing how I can be useful, how I can help others. I love knowing that as I become older I also become wiser, I am no longer guessing. I am able to observe and share stories with other women who ask how to live differently. I have 20 and 30 year old women tapping me on my shoulder asking me how to live, how to be in the world, how to handle life circumstances, how to survive the daily grind. I never knew that I could ask for help, I never thought that another woman would share with me like I do. I feel like I missed out on that, or perhaps it’s just a different now and younger women recognize that they need help, and they ask. They don’t want to live in the “rough”, or “hustling” times as I did. They want to be free and happy they want to be released from the natural state of self doubt and lack of self esteem, they want to be more, I hear it everyday.
We live in such an interesting time. I am grateful that I am a woman who knows herself and who has traveled an unhinged, adventurous, full life, who craves being helpful. Today, I practice daily reflection, patience, and accept all of my grey hairs with an inner smile that Ms. Brown would be proud of after all these years.
Being a Woman.
I have been watching women all of my life, I love women. I fell in love with women in 2nd grade. I owe this to my second grade teacher who shared her world with me, she wore her fashionable muted brown and green 70’s attire, traveled to foreign destinations, told fun stories and was single!
She taught me how to read, and live in the adventure of a story, but more importantly she showed me how to smile on the inside. As I reflect on this I realize that she was subtly teaching me how to be a woman. I secretly wanted her life, I wanted to be her.
Being a woman is an incredible journey, I have nothing to compare it to, I have never been anything else. Although, I can compare the decades of my life as a woman. My 20s were rough; drugs, drinking, early days of modeling, late nights, an endless progression of sleeping with nameless men and women. Endless days of waking with hangovers so bad I couldn’t move in fear of my heart exploding or stopping depending on what I was coming down from. Being a woman in my 20s was trying, I was trying to be it, trying to fit in, trying to be right, trying to look the part.
Every day I wore deep red lipstick and heals, everyday I passed (as in didn’t eat) on at least two meals, everyday I drank at least two diet cokes. The 20s were filled with shoulder pads, bad outfits, lots of shoes, and bleached hair.
Being a woman is learning how to slow down and breath, not to rush it. I know this now, not ten years ago.
I look back at my 30s and can barely see those years, they were fast and furious. I was a hustler. I played the game to succeed and be seen, to make more money and have more things. I traveled more and saw the world, tried to do good, and make up for the previous years of self indulgence. My 30s gave me a place in the world to feel secure and confident with my decisions, everything I did always worked out for the best. Being a woman in my 30s led me to search for answers and find solace (9/11).
In my mid 30s I walked away from everything I knew to be me, and happily dropped out from my comfort zone called hustling for money and prestige. I divorced myself from every personal, comfortable item I owned. I was finally able to fall in love, with a man. My thirties were a time of suits, jeans, cashmere and mascara, my hair began to show it's grey self and I covered it every three weeks.
Being a woman is incredibly comfortable.
Here I am in my 40s now, a wife and a mother, two circumstances I never thought possible, nor that I would be living. Two very different points of view I have had to learn about, only through experience over time. I have realized that I may be in the last half of my life.
Mortality has revealed itself to me, it’s so strange. I am no more hopeless or lost or questioning everything I do, no more trying to be something I am not. Being a woman now is everything, it is knowing who I am and what I am doing. It is about seeing the world and seeing how I can be useful, how I can help others. I love knowing that as I become older I also become wiser, I am no longer guessing. I am able to observe and share stories with other women who ask how to live differently. I have 20 and 30 year old women tapping me on my shoulder asking me how to live, how to be in the world, how to handle life circumstances, how to survive the daily grind. I never knew that I could ask for help, I never thought that another woman would share with me like I do. I feel like I missed out on that, or perhaps it’s just a different now and younger women recognize that they need help, and they ask. They don’t want to live in the “rough”, or “hustling” times as I did. They want to be free and happy they want to be released from the natural state of self doubt and lack of self esteem, they want to be more, I hear it everyday.
We live in such an interesting time. I am grateful that I am a woman who knows herself and who has traveled an unhinged, adventurous, full life, who craves being helpful. Today, I practice daily reflection, patience, and accept all of my grey hairs with an inner smile that Ms. Brown would be proud of after all these years.
Being a Woman.
I have been watching women all of my life, I love women. I fell in love with women in 2nd grade. I owe this to my second grade teacher who shared her world with me, she wore her fashionable muted brown and green 70’s attire, traveled to foreign destinations, told fun stories and was single!
She taught me how to read, and live in the adventure of a story, but more importantly she showed me how to smile on the inside. As I reflect on this I realize that she was subtly teaching me how to be a woman. I secretly wanted her life, I wanted to be her.
Being a woman is an incredible journey, I have nothing to compare it to, I have never been anything else. Although, I can compare the decades of my life as a woman. My 20s were rough; drugs, drinking, early days of modeling, late nights, an endless progression of sleeping with nameless men and women. Endless days of waking with hangovers so bad I couldn’t move in fear of my heart exploding or stopping depending on what I was coming down from. Being a woman in my 20s was trying, I was trying to be it, trying to fit in, trying to be right, trying to look the part.
Every day I wore deep red lipstick and heals, everyday I passed (as in didn’t eat) on at least two meals, everyday I drank at least two diet cokes. The 20s were filled with shoulder pads, bad outfits, lots of shoes, and bleached hair.
Being a woman is learning how to slow down and breath, not to rush it. I know this now, not ten years ago.
I look back at my 30s and can barely see those years, they were fast and furious. I was a hustler. I played the game to succeed and be seen, to make more money and have more things. I traveled more and saw the world, tried to do good, and make up for the previous years of self indulgence. My 30s gave me a place in the world to feel secure and confident with my decisions, everything I did always worked out for the best. Being a woman in my 30s led me to search for answers and find solace (9/11).
In my mid 30s I walked away from everything I knew to be me, and happily dropped out from my comfort zone called hustling for money and prestige. I divorced myself from every personal, comfortable item I owned. I was finally able to fall in love, with a man. My thirties were a time of suits, jeans, cashmere and mascara, my hair began to show it's grey self and I covered it every three weeks.
Being a woman is incredibly comfortable.
Here I am in my 40s now, a wife and a mother, two circumstances I never thought possible, nor that I would be living. Two very different points of view I have had to learn about, only through experience over time. I have realized that I may be in the last half of my life.
Mortality has revealed itself to me, it’s so strange. I am no more hopeless or lost or questioning everything I do, no more trying to be something I am not. Being a woman now is everything, it is knowing who I am and what I am doing. It is about seeing the world and seeing how I can be useful, how I can help others. I love knowing that as I become older I also become wiser, I am no longer guessing. I am able to observe and share stories with other women who ask how to live differently. I have 20 and 30 year old women tapping me on my shoulder asking me how to live, how to be in the world, how to handle life circumstances, how to survive the daily grind. I never knew that I could ask for help, I never thought that another woman would share with me like I do. I feel like I missed out on that, or perhaps it’s just a different now and younger women recognize that they need help, and they ask. They don’t want to live in the “rough”, or “hustling” times as I did. They want to be free and happy they want to be released from the natural state of self doubt and lack of self esteem, they want to be more, I hear it everyday.
We live in such an interesting time. I am grateful that I am a woman who knows herself and who has traveled an unhinged, adventurous, full life, who craves being helpful. Today, I practice daily reflection, patience, and accept all of my grey hairs with an inner smile that Ms. Brown would be proud of after all these years.