Hey guys, I'm Reece Band, have you got your tickets for the summer festival line up? Yeah, have you saved up $19,000 for the next two months of tickets, drinks, drugs, sleeve tattoos, taxis, hotels, morning after pills, jean shorts, spray tans, bottled water and buying cotton-stringlet man-nighties? Me neither, I’m always broke but somehow I manage to find another credit card, or take up selling pingas again, to pay for endless summer festival benders!
First up is FutureDouche. Have you checked out the line up? Man, you gotta check out the line up! It was released 0.9 nano-seconds ago, I just emailed, snapchatted, texted, facebook messaged and instagrammed it. I want to talk about it constantly. I’m going to let everyone know how much I know about it. I’ve been hanging out for this day for so long so I can harass you into coming to FutureDouche and spending a day squeezing through a hot crammed paddock full of shirtless homophobic-gaylords and dumb girls who wear heels on grass. Oh yeah how about we do that, but with heatstroke and on drugs that give you anxiety and high pressure diarrhoea. Why not add in some repetitive 400 decibel dial-up modem noises for all 10 hours of the festival. I love it. The whole festival sounds like a list of torture methods used on prisoners in Guantanamo Bay.
EVERYone is going, you have to come man, everyone is coming. Do what everyone else does. Everyone is coming. The whole crew. Everyone. Cameron Daddo, Tania Zaetta, the Pope, Vulcan from Gladiators, Alf Stewart, Obama, Proust, the Asiany guy with the man bun from MasterChef, Magda Szubanski’s wife, Nikolai Tesla, Larry Emdur, those cunts from that breakfast TV show Sunshine or Sunrise, Lisa McCune, Ben Cousins, Matisse, the whole crew is going man, EVERYONE will be there. Check out the line up, it’s sweet as man, it’s gonna be massive. I’ve already planned my schedule man, see:
Albino-Ban X Tandoori-Protein collab main stage
Drape - his middle-class, black enough to be cool, but white enough not to be scary, music is fun and relatable
UGSIWBAII X3 – some electro-tech act no-one can pronounce
Weird twins from Norway (not sure if brothers or sisters)
Dirty Chuxxx Supawipe – Some cool name and one of their songs got remixed into a hit, otherwise, nothing
A random hip hop act that did that one song about ‘good times’ or ‘weekends’
The Prodigy (again)
RoidRave Punch up tent
A guy whose music I like but he looks like a dweeb from the Big Bang Theory
An old French rapist DJ
Some washed up techno act from 1992 that needs money
CuntFuel Energy Drink side arena
Some hot chick DJ that can’t mix, but I wanna bang her, so who cares
A funky, fat black guy who looks funky but is fat, and black - gross
Two local dickheads called something like “Boat Party DJ’s” who suck, but have free drugs for the overseas acts
Bro, there will be heaps of chicks there that only go because their friends are going and they won’t know a thing about the acts. Just hang out with me and I can talk to them about some Berlin-based Ethiopian grump-house DJ until their drugs kick-in and I can make out with one of them near a busted portaloo that smells like someone is baking a lasagne made out of warm butt-gravy and lumpy sewerage layered between decomposing seaweed.
We can make some sick tank tops, because everyone is doing it. I’m not a poofta though! I just love arts and crafts and showing other shirtless men my nip-nips. We can spend the next six weeks doing the chest press machine and no leg weights. I wanna have the body proportions of Dolly Parton in Auschwitz.
Mate gotta get your early-bird-pre-sale-triple-VIP-class tickets. For only $595 you get FREE entry, a VodaFone sim card, a Red Rooster discount voucher, free sunscreen, unlimited hot tap water and NO alcoholic drinks included!!! You even get a free undercover drug squad detective following you around all afternoon. Hurry up and get your ticket to this thing you’ll hate and are too old for. We need to go because that’s what everyone else is doing.