to my dearest porco,
i know it's too much to ask of you not to hate me for what i've done, so i won't. but i do ask and pray that, one day, you'll find it in your heart to forgive me.
when i went to paradis as a warrior, i promised myself that when i came home, i'd finally tell you how i truly felt— about you, about us. the "us" that never happened because i was too scared to ask you out. the "us" that never happened because i couldn't look you in the eye when they said i was going to be a warrior and you wouldn't. the "us" that never happened because i didn't say goodbye to you before we left for paradis, foolishly thinking i'd see you again.
but... i must confess: even though you were crushed about not being selected as a warrior, i was relieved. because it meant that, unlike me, you had an entire future ahead of you where you can spend time with friende and family. maybe fall in love and settle down, start a family of your own and grow old and gray with your lover. and if i can be so bold, i also confess that it was a future i secretly wanted to share with you.
yet faith is cruel and my years are numbered. i don't have much time left, and the selfish side of me wants to spend that time with you. the selfish side of me wants to run back to marley and hope that you'll be there at the harbor so i can finally wrap my arms around you and tell you that, in all these years, i've held feelings for you that aren't just friendship. i can't pinpoint exactly what they are or when these feelings happened, but i do know it started when we were younger. i remember our first day as candidates and how you proudly announced that you'd become the one to inherit the armored titan, and i was in awe of your headstrong determination. and then we grew closer, and overtime, admiration blossomed into affection.
you've made me a better person. there were times during training... too many times... where i felt like giving up. but you never let me. you dragged me back up and forced me to better myself, pushed me harder and broke my limits so many times i honestly can't remember who broke my mental psyche more: you or our commanding officer. but as tough as your love was, it was what i carried across the sea and thought about late at night, staring at the sky, two steps away from breaking down. because porco galliard, the only thing that held me together in that god forsaken island was the thought of you. the memories of us laughing together in the mess hall. the hardships we faced when we trained. the little smiles and silent giggles when we'd sneak to the rooftop, hand in hand, so we can watch the stars and share secrets.
the only thing that kelt me going was the thought of coming back to you.
which is why it's with great irony that i tell you now: i won't be coming back. at least... not alive. because, fortunately or unfortunately, years of looking up to someone who held firm in his beliefs (aka you, doofus) has made me the same.
the world is wrong about paradis. they're wrong about these so-called "demons." the people of paradis are peaceful, wanting nothing more than to live quiet lives beyond the walls. they're just like us eldians, wronged by the world yet apologizing like it was us who wronged them, which is why i've decided to stay and fight with them— fight for them. i know you'll probably never understand or agree with what i'm saying, and i hope you understand that i will not apologize for choosing this path.
but i do apologize for leaving you, for never coming back like i promised i would.
i don't know how you feel about me and perhaps i never will. i know you probably hate me right now, though. maybe we'll meet again soon. maybe in the battlefield or in the afterlife, who knows? certainly not me.
but all i know is that, when i look into the sky, it comforts me to know that you're probably looking at it too. you always did love star gazing. i still don't know all the constellations but sometimes i like to play a little game— our little game— of making one up as i go. i know you don't believe in heaven but sometimes i wonder, when my time is up, will i be in the sky too? turned into a burning star, shinging down on earth? and if i do, will you look at me with the same awe you look at the other stars? will you look at me with the same awe i look at you?
i have to go soon. time's running out and i can't keep writing anymore. if this letter finds you, then let it be known that, sadly, this is my final hello and goodbye. i've no regrets about choosing this path or not telling you about how i truly feel in all these years, but i do wish i could've done so in person. i pray that this letter reaches you across the sea, and that it conveys all the unspoken words and wishes i so desperately wanted to say.
take care, pock, i wish you all the best. live the life i never could.
i love you.
sincerely,
T.
~~~~
T,
Ever since we were little, you knew how to push my buttons. You always had that way about you, eyes glinting as you took in your surroundings, got to know everyone around you like the back of your hand. You found weaknesses, and you pushed and prodded, yet somehow soothed at the same time. We could never stay mad at you. Who knew that when you exclaimed back then that I had no weakness, you forgot to look in a mirror. You were dangerous then, just as you are now. My weakness. My Achilles heel.
That is how I know that the one I grew up with, the one that would always meet my challenge with a face of determination, no matter how tired you were, how many times you had been beaten down; I know you’re still in there. Somewhere.
I do not know what those island devils have done to you, and frankly, I do not care. That future you speak of, that wonderful long life? It’s gone. I’ve been chosen. I have taken back what was rightfully mine, my birthright. And now, I journey to take back my future. The Jaw; and You. Past and present. Mark my words. I will have you back.
The Devils of Paradis have taken too much from me. You remember, they are the ones that nearly killed the Chief? That incompetent idiot Reiner? They took from us Annie. Bert. Marcel. How many more are we going to lose to them?
I’ll come save you from them, their honeyed words have poisoned your ears and I won’t have it. I refuse to allow it.
What have they done to you my stars? How have they taken the brightest light and snuffed it? My guiding light, stay strong. We are coming. All of us.
You are right to say I do not understand. How could I? We fight for Marley. To redeem ourselves, to take back what was taken from us. Our pride. Our honour. You of all people should understand that. You trained harder than any of us. So why? Why now? When the time is so right, when you are poised in such a position. Why would you give up on us? On me?
How could you stand with them knowing that you would have to face me?
I refuse to answer to your ‘final’ hello and goodbye. You have anything to say, you say it to me face to face. Be it on the battlefield as you say, or as we hold each other on bloodied rubble. Say it to my face, dammit. Don’t write a letter saying goodbye. I won’t have it.
I looked to the skies each day as the ships roll into the harbour waiting on the docks as you say. Each day you're gone I gaze upon the moon, as we did in our youth. I trace the constellations that remind me of your skin, and know that where you are in the world, the sky above us is one and the same.
Keep your eyes up. Don’t you take your eyes off of them for a second. Our path was chosen for us, like the stars. There are rules. Duties. Bonds.
We cannot lose the brightest star in our constellation, nor can I lose my guiding light.
Dammit hold on. Stay strong. I know you’re still somewhere in there. Don’t become one of them. Come back to me.
Faithfully,
Porco
Valentines Day event - now closed - sorry for the late delivery!
@alrightberries tagging you bc I’m replying so late!