I know we've talked about this a lot over the years, but I can't help but always think about it!!
It’s that delicate period right after Steve finds Bucky, maybe in some half-abandoned safehouse in Romania where Bucky is stable enough not to run, but not confident enough to stay without flinching.
They orbit each other carefully, always close, never touching unless absolutely necessary.
They’re both starving, for comfort, for reassurance and for what they used to be, but neither wants to push.
Bucky, he remembers flashes:
Like Steve’s smile pressed too close to his own or their fingers brushing, lingering longer than necessary, like moments that feel intimate enough to make his heart beat so fast!!
But he can’t trust his mind, and he keeps wondering, was it real? Was it him wanting too much? Was he projecting feelings onto memories Hydra tore apart and put back together wrong? and he’s terrified of asking because if he asks and Steve says no, he loses the only constant left in his broken world!! So instead he just watches Steve.
Watches how Steve’s eyes soften when he looks at him, how Steve’s hand twitches like he wants to touch him but doesn’t, how Steve stands too close in doorways, like he’s remembering what "close" used to feel like... And Bucky wonders… "If this wasn’t real… why does it still feel like home?"
Steve, Steve remembers everything, he remembers loving Bucky long before he had the words for it, he remembers Bucky loving him back in ways that were quiet but unmistakable and he also remembers everything Hydra did.
So he keeps his distance, not because he wants to, but because he’s terrified of overwhelming Bucky with feelings that might be too heavy, too complicated, too much too soon.
Because if Bucky did feel that way, Steve thinks he deserves the chance to rediscover it on his own, without pressure, without guilt and without the weight of the past forcing him into something he may not want anymore.... So instead, Steve keeps his touches to himself, he keeps the love to himself, but his eyes give him away every single time.
They’re sharing space, an apartment, a hideout, wherever and the physical closeness is always a battlefield:
When Bucky hands Steve a mug, their fingers almost touch. Steve pulls back too fast... Bucky wakes up from a nightmare and finds Steve sitting outside his door, pretending he wasn’t listening... Steve offers him the couch and Bucky accepts, but he sleeps on the floor beside it anyway because being near Steve makes him feel safe... Bucky stands at Steve’s shoulder when they’re out, back-to-back without thinking, and Steve has to breathe through the flood of warmth that brings.
They’re both touch-starved, but neither knows how to reach for the other without taking too much.
And, one night, Bucky’s hand accidentally brushes Steve’s wrist, just a light, barely-there touch and Steve freezes.
Bucky flinches back like he committed a crime.
“I- sorry, I didn’t mean-”
Steve catches his hand gently, carefully, like touching him is something sacred “You don’t have to apologize for that”
Bucky swallows hard, his voice is barely a whisper “I don’t know what’s real… and what's not, in my head, I don’t know if… if we were ever… more”
And Steve… God, Steve looks devastated and hopeful at the same time “We cared about each other” he says “A lot, but you don’t owe me anything, not memories, not feelings, not… that”
And Bucky shakes his head “That’s not what I’m afraid of”
Steve’s breath catches “What are you afraid of?”
“That I’m remembering it because it’s what I wanted and not because it happened”
And that is when Steve can’t hold back anymore, he cups Bucky’s cheek, not a kiss, not yet, just warmth.
“Buck… wanting it was real too”
And Bucky leans into the touch like he’s starving.
