hi there, thank you so much for running this blog! i have been following you for a long time and appreciate what you do so much, and i’ve been struggling with something and was looking for an ear or some advice so i thought i would come here.
this summer has been pretty hard on me mentally for a few reasons. being back home with family, as I live across the country for university and even studied abroad this semester, it’s always an adjustment living with people I love but sometimes struggle dealing with. i’m also back to an environment where I have no strict schedule, less friends, no privacy, no personal space, etc., and i got pretty sick for a portion of the summer.
this is my last summer before i graduate and i put many expectations on myself for how it would go (fun/personal life wise, but also academics/career wise). despite this sense of urgency and also these expectations, this past month of june i basically just rotted away in my bed, feeling depressed and anxious and not really doing anything about it. i did go out and about a few times and even got myself hired for two jobs, but there were so many responsibilities i ignored while rotting away and just feeling miserable for myself. now im finally clawing my way out of this hole i dug for myself, and im realizing how much i screwed myself over—all of the things i need to do would have been so much easier and enjoyable (!!!!!) had i not procrastinated. it feels like my memory for june is mainly just a haze when it could have been so great.
my question is—how do i cope with these feelings of self-disappointment, and almost self-disgust for the time i lost? for the moments i could have been better but didn’t? how do i cope with the knowledge that my summer could have looked totally different now, and that the power was in my hands to change it? the rest of my summer is looking pretty busy as i scramble to pick up the missing pieces, and im sad because i wanted it to feel special since it’s my last summer of university. any time i acknowledge the challenges i faced and the victories i did have just feels like making excuses for myself.
anyways, sorry for this ramble, and thank you for your time! i hope you are doing well and enjoying yourself.
Hello, dearest. First of all I want to tell you that I am so proud of you. I know right now you’re struggling with these heavy feelings, and it’s important to know that despite your inner struggles you are seen and loved and respected by those around you.
It sounds like you have worked very hard and been very busy for a long time. I know as a full time college student myself that the amount of work expected of us is often unbearable. People talk about it like a simple process, a part time commitment. It is not! You have been working a constant minimum of a full time job, plus additional work for pay, plus travel, plus family and friends needs, plus basic self care. Of course all of this can be so overwhelming and lead to a sense of burn out. Changing the language you use is giving reasons is not making excuses. Cultivate a mindset of correcting yourself:
“I’m making excuses -> I’m acknowledging the challenges and moving forward.”
I found quickly into college my high achiever mindset flipped into a constant sense of failure. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right, and like I just fell behind everyone else I respect. I wallowed in this for far too long, so trust me when I tell you not to spend all your time worrying about the past. Everyone has had a time like these, sometimes weeks, months, and sometimes years. But it is never too late to change the present and future.
You may not feel like it, but if summer meant laying in bed and barely doing anything maybe that’s what you needed. If your body and mind were too beaten down to do much, that’s not your fault. Remember that you are just one person, and this was one summer. You will have countless more summers to live out your dreams. Summer 2022 I barely left my room, depression, anxious, I pretty much rotted in bed! I was burnt out and struggling. Summer 2023 I worked my ass off at my new job, made friends, and started going to parties and even a music festival. Summer 2024 is now, and I’m in a solid mix of work, school, friends, and working to take care of myself. Life will not always look how we imagine it too, but often it will turn out much better.
Nothing that has already happened can be changed, all you have power over is the current and the future. Tons of people express the same sentiment to me
“I didn’t do X and now all I do is Y and it makes me feel Z so I don’t do X!”
And I totally understand! But this is the trap right here! This is what resembles the grave but isn’t! The more time you spend contemplating what you should have done the more past you create where you didn’t do what you wanted. It is so important to develop the ability to go “oh well, what do I want Now?” This takes practice. When you catch yourself in the internal doomscroll of all that you should have done, literally say “oh well, that’s the past. What do I want to do right now and how can I do it?”
Actions you can take:
- Make a list of goals you have tiered by right away, short term, medium term, and long term. Make sure to include a tier for goals that feel impossible! You’d be surprised what you can do!
- Start by picking one thing you want to change. Go on a walk every day, listen to an audiobook or music on that walk. Bam! Two enriching activities at once. Cook one new recipe a week or every other week.
- When at home from school, work to establish your independence in the home. This is hard! Family dynamics vary, but if you can, try to communicate with your family about personal space and boundaries. Perhaps rearrange your space at home to fit your needs as a more adult space while still maintaining your nostalgic environment.
- Cultivate a positive mindset and excitement for what comes next. This summer is not just an end, it’s a beginning! What do you want next? You can have it if you believe in yourself.
A final piece of advice. I started college with such high hopes and dream of what it would be. The summers with friends, late night studying in the library, goofing off between classes, getting to be this dream idealized self. For various reasons, this didn’t happen. I felt so angry that my experience with college had been tainted and forcefully taken from me, and I stayed angry for a while. This constant obsession with regret starts to eat you alive until you can’t see how good things are right in this moment. This did not get better because I somehow changed the past, it got better because I accepted that this was an idealized dream of one tiny part of my life. It got better when I started aiming towards the future. It’s ok to feel sad that you didn’t get what you wanted, but that doesn’t mean you never will. I am happier for moving on and saying I’d had enough grieving a hypothetical. You are real, you are young and alive and filled with dreams. It will never be too late, and there is nothing you could have missed this summer that cannot be achieved in a happier and healthier situation.
Start making today special. You are filled with light, dreams, and love. You will create the life you dreamed of, filled with adventure and happiness. Treat yourself tenderly, this is your first time being alive, the first last summer of college. You are learning and growing. I am so proud of you as you are now, and all that you will become. Keep the sparks alive, and I’m always here if you need someone to support or another senior in college to lean on!
I hope this helps!
Evan
P.S. here’s a poem that’s helped me!
