So,, I was told I should share this thing I wrote back in like 10th grade. It was in a magazine publishing class and it was one of the very first things I ever wrote creatively!
So enjoy “How to Be an Inanimate Object”:
For those who don’t like reading long things on Tumblr, it is also available on AO3
https://archiveofourown.org/works/9821243
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
How to be an inanimate object
Everyone wonders what it is like to be an inanimate object at one point in their life. In this twelve-month process, I’m here to tell you how you can find out for yourself.
For the first month, don’t smile. Inanimate objects don’t usually smile. Every once in a while, you find one like a teddy bear or a doll, but faces give objects personalities, and we don’t want that.
For the second month, don’t respond to questions. This may be difficult at times, but this is a key part of becoming an inanimate object and cannot be overlooked.
For the third month, don’t express your emotions. Inanimate objects cannot change their facial features no matter how hard they try. This means that you, too, should have a face like stone and not acknowledge any emotion you should feel, even if you somehow end up in court.
For the fourth month, don’t participate in outside life. This is a very important step. Make sure that you don’t just drop out of your life all at once. You should slowly draw yourself out from the crowd without making yourself too noticeable. Do not volunteer for anything or make yourself available for being chosen either. You do not want the cops called should anyone notice that you are missing.
For the fifth month, paint yourself a single color. Many inanimate objects are one single color. This can be any one you choose, but the popular consensus is silver as the best one for the job. Make sure to completely cover yourself everyday so that, eventually, your skin will begin to resemble the color on its own.
For the sixth month, find a spot you can live in. Make sure this is a spot that will not be an inconvenience for others. I would advise that before you settle down somewhere, you should try many different spots.
For the seventh month, don’t bend your extremities. Find a position in your new home that is not uncomfortable for you. You do not want to have to move because inanimate objects do not move and being one is your final goal.
For the eighth month, be contemplative. It is possible to be an inanimate object without this step, but it is very hard to stay sane so I would recommend trying to do this. Insane inanimate objects are not fun at all and becoming one would defeat the purpose of this process.
For the ninth month, don’t blink. This may be hard at first, but after the first few hours, this becomes easier as time goes on. If you like, you can hire someone to wet your eyes for you, but you do not want to become too dependent on this practice, and I would not advise it.
For the tenth month, follow people with your eyes. This is one of the best qualities of inanimate objects. This makes them interesting and could make you a valuable sell.
For the eleventh month, don’t eat. Be careful with this step. By this time, your bodily processes should have already slowed down and in some cases stopped. However, it is important you do this step right or the entire process might have to be started over.
For the twelfth month, don’t breathe. This is the last step in becoming an inanimate object. Be sure you want to be one before completing it though. Once you do, you cannot become animate again.
