#stuff reea does

[sublimereea]

I am so out of the loop with tumblr. But I will read EVERYTHING you guys post. I am still around.

These past weeks were kind of hellish. I started that new job at the corporation, then another company called me for an interview - I gave it a go. I quit the corp job, after 5 weeks, and started with this new company.

I completed my two weeks training for the new company this Friday. I find it to be a way better fit for me.

Then there was my ex killing himself. Which fucked up my world. And it was terrible. But I think I accepted it now. I will always miss him, and it will always hurt, but I finally accepted that he will not be around anymore.

So life kept me pretty busy. But I will be back more.

I hope stuff in my life will get stabilized quicker, and everything will be back to normal.

I haven't forgotten you guys.

[sublimereea]

I just found out an hour ago that my ex boyfriend, the big love american guy, died last night. He killed himself. That’s all I know, I don’t have any other details. I just got a message from a friend, on FB, who knows us both from StumbleUpon - the website where we all met a long time ago. 

I don’t know what I am feeling. I have no idea how I am supposed to feel about all of this. 

There was no ill will or shitty feelings between us. Everything was in order when we broke up. We talked about it, we made peace with it. He messaged me a few months ago, and I wrote about it here. I guess I was just slipping into nostalgia a bit, regarding him, but that was it. We talked like civilized people, made jokes, flirted a little bit. Everything seemed just fine. I never imagined that he would actually go ahead and kill himself. On top of that, he is the first person in my adult life, that has died. Other than my grandpa, when I was 3, I never had someone in my life that I care about, die. It’s so weird. 

When I got the FB message I started shaking, and that was it. Blank. Nothing else. No feelings of sadness, of despair, of loss, nothing. I just felt nothing. I didn’t cry, I just can’t cry. Not even now. I am probably still in shock, even though I talked about what happened to various people. I processed it by talking to a few people who know us both. By talking to my boyfriend, to my real life friends. And still, no tears. I talked to my boyfriend, who lost his father 6 years ago, and he said that it’s fine, I shouldn’t push myself to feel anything, to cry. But it just feels so weird to me to...not feel. 

It’s just so weird to me to feel this way. It’s pretty horrible. 

I know that he will be missed. I will probably miss him when I will think of him. I will for sure. He was a good person, he had many friends, and he was loved. So loved. I loved him desperately when we were together. I could have done anything he asked me to, I loved him that hard.

 That’s why this feels so weird. 

Is this emptiness what one is supposed to feel when someone they loved died? Because to me it’s just so weird. And horrible. 

[sublimereea]

Been listening to The Doors and Queens Of The Stone Age all evening. Finished Eric Emmanuel Schmitt's Concerto In Memory Of An Angel. Ate good food and a ton of snacks. Slept in.

Life is on point, you guys.

[sublimereea]

I have been working at the new job, at the new corporation, for two weeks now. And let me just say - it sucks ass. I was never the corporatist type, never was, never will be my cup of tea, but it's where the money can be made.

I miss my old job, my old coworkers, and I can't even believe it - I was so excited leaving it. But I wake up in the morning to go to the rich and shiny company I work for now, and wish I was going to work at my old job. Oh well.

My ex boss said that I am welcome to return to my old job any time. But I need more money, and he is not able to give it to me. So no. I will not return. That makes me so mad that I have to do something I don't like to be able to have money. I guess most people are in the same boat as me on this one.

My new coworkers are mostly ladies, which sucks, because you know, women can be petty, plus I always get along better with dudes. But we will see after I get to know them better, maybe they're nice. I really hope so anyway.

I have been attending trainings and courses and such, for work, and they make me just so tired. I don't know if I will be able to do the work that is required of me, but I will try once the trainings are over in another two weeks.

Being the new guy is pretty terrible.

I have been laying in bed all day with a huge hangover. I went to an event last night where a friend had a photo exhibition. It was great. The photos were wonderful. I smoked pot and drank all the beers. I really needed it.

Tomorrow I plan on doing the same thing I did today - exist in my bed.

[sublimereea]

Since I haven't been around much I have so much catching up to do with your blogs. I probably will go through everything this weekend.

The new job is hard as fuck. Everything is new, everyone is new. I don't really enjoy it, even though I usually love new things. I hope I will manage.

[sublimereea]

It's so damn cold already, and I don't like it at all.

Work was alright, I guess, considering I am still in training, and it's hard, and I have to learn a ton of new shit.

On the plus side, I decided to relax finally, and stop guessing how it will get in the future - good or bad - I'm just going with it. I suppose that is the best decision I have made this whole past week.

Other than that, nothing else to report. I still get drunk at least once a week, I still don't act like a grown up at all, and I am still perfectly fine with all of that.

[sublimereea]

It's almost 10 pm and there's a guy screaming about Jesus and God under our apartment window. Wild Saturday indeed.

[sublimereea]

I got the job. Let the immense stressing out begin!