#sub episode 1

[annotatedsonichu]

Sonichu #0, page 44 (S-10)

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: I have cursed you with bad luck and extreme misfortune!

CAPTION: *S-chu ball* - This is a special Poke ball used for capturing electric or hedgehog-type Pokemon.

NARRATION: CWC: This would not have happened if you had not challenged me and threatened me!  As well as not leaving me alone with my ever-so-frustrating love quest, calling me a lying solicitor, picked on my methods of attracting a boyfriend-free, 18-(my current age)-year old girl, whom I can love and trust, and most importantly, handcuffing me on 9/11/2004 for no good reason!  I hope that you have learned to...

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: Never mess with a truly frustrated virgin when he is on a quest for a girlfriend to share true love and trust with!

JERKHIEF: My soul hurts!

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: So did mine!

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: And my heart was previously shattered too!

CAPTION: End

Let's get the S-chu ball out of the way up front.  I have no idea what it is doing here on this page or what it could possibly have to do with the story.  It looks like the kind of infodump Chandler would have intended to place in the introductory section on pages 8-12; perhaps he neglected to include it and did not catch his omission until putting together this page.  Although mystical "Sonichu Balls" will appear later in Sonichu (and have nothing to do with this artifact), "S-chu balls" never appear again after this page.

The full power of the Curse-ye-ha-me-ha is now revealed--the victim is literally cursed, so that he is doomed to suffer cruel twists of fate specifically because he provoked the wrath of Christian Chandler.  The seemingly random misfortunes the Jerkhief experienced in the past few minutes are all direct results of the curse, although it is difficult to explain how Jerkhief's wife managed to divorce him and move out of his house so quickly.

Although Chandler readily acknowledges that he does not have most of the super powers he possesses in Sonichu, he truly believes he has the ability to curse people, and that the Curse-ye-ha-me-ha maneuver is somehow related to harnessing this power.  The distinction between the powers he claims and denies is simply his own faith.  It is an empirical fact that Chandler cannot use his medallion to transform into a super-powered hedgehog, but the efficacy of his curses is a matter of belief.  Much like a horoscope or a superstition, it is always possible to claim that a victim of the Curse-ye-ha-me-ha has somehow endured "bad luck."  This is the appeal of the attack for Chandler--it can literally never fail as long as he believes in it, giving him the last laugh in any conflict.

Note, however, that the Curse-ye-ha-me-ha has changed absolutely nothing about the present situation.  The Jerkhief is miserable, and has no doubt learned the folly of provoking Chris, but he is no more or less capable of interfering in Chris's love quest than he was at the beginning of the story.  Tomorrow he can return to the mall and try to handcuff Chris again, and he will have nothing left to lose.  This is the great irony of the Curse-ye-ha-me-ha--Chris favors it because there is no falsifiable defense, but it also provides no deterrence against a counterattack.  This is made most clear during his lengthy dispute with his trolls; Chandler issues curse after curse, inflicting unknowable harm while he himself sustains demonstrable "extreme misfortune."

Nevertheless, the Jerkhief is subdued for the moment, allowing Chris the luxury of listing the wrongs perpetrated against him.  As previously discussed, there is no clear indication of when each of these offenses occurred, or whether the real-life analogue to the Jerkhief was even involved in any of them.  The only specific detail is the handcuffing incident on September 11, 2004, which Chandler seems to regard as the most outrageous action taken against him.

The term "boyfriend-free, 18-(my current age)-year old girl, whom I can love and trust" is a virtual mantra for Chandler, particularly in the period when this story was written.  He uses this bizarre wording frequently when discussing the objective of his Love Quest, and variations of it appeared on the signs he carried with him at Fashion Square and PVCC.  Notice that "love" is frequently paired with "trust" in regards to his relationship with his future sweetheart.  Chris seems particularly eager to be able to put his trust in someone, and for someone to have trust in him.  This may imply a lack of trust in his existing social circles, which would be consistent with Chris's paranoia about the intentions of others and the lack of credit given to him by his peers.

"My current age" is simply a placeholder for whatever Chandler's current age is a the time the term is used.  This ensures, for example, that anyone reading Sonichu #0 today will know that Chandler is currently seeking an 18-to-29-year-old, as opposed to the 18-to-23-year-old he was seeking when he originally wrote this dialogue.  Note that it is an article of faith for Chandler that his beloved may be as old but no older than he; however he never adjusts the 18 figure accordingly.  As a result, Chris is perfectly willing to entertain the possibility of bedding a woman who was ten years old when his Love Quest first began.

Chris's admission that his soul was hurt and his heart was shattered is left unexplained here.  This is possibly an allusion to the real-life events of March 29, 2005, which were adapted in "The Rise & Fall of My Heart," appearing in Sonichu #1.  However, it is unclear if the dialogue on this page was written before or after that incident.  Chandler has also described the October 2004 incident in which Mary Lee Walsh destroyed his sign as having shattered his heart.  Frankly, there are so many events between 2003 and 2005 that supposedly hurt his soul and shattered his heart that it would be impossible to be sure which one he is referring to here.

[annotatedsonichu]

Sonichu #0, page 43 (S-9)

JERKHIEF: Ha!  I didn't feel a thing!

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: Oh, you will!

CAPTION: *Getting up...*

JERKHIEF: Woah!

CAPTION: *Slip*

SFX: *Smash*

JERKHIEF: Aw man!  My glasses!

JERKOP: Uh...chief?  Your wife just called...she has divorced and left you, she took all your things, and she took your children too!  Also, she loathes you for your filthy smoking habit!

JERKHIEF: Nooooooo...!!

The Jerkhief's boast that he felt no pain is at odds with his visible agony on the previous page.  Perhaps he means that he felt nothing that will stop him from continuing to resist Chris-chan Sonichu.  Of course, as soon as he gets up he begins feeling something, as a banana peel suddenly appears for him to slip on, causing him to land on his head and crush his glasses.

Chandler himself has worn prescription eyeglasses since 1998.  As recently as August 2008, he has behaved very defensively about the subject, as though expecting to be bullied for his eyewear; this may indicate personal shame about his glasses, perhaps caused by teasing in high school.  His frames are extremely unflattering and are presumed to be the cheapest available, and upon breaking the bridge in October 2010 he repaired them himself rather than immediately purchasing new ones.  It is fair to suggest, then, that Chris knows the value lost when a pair of eyeglasses is broken, and is not inflicting this upon the Jerkhief lightly.

A random Jerkop appears to suddenly relay a great deal of bad news to the Jerkhief.  I do not see the need to explain that his wife divorced and left him.  It's interesting that when constructing this list of "bad things that could happen to somebody," Chandler's priorities are 1) your romantic partner is gone, 2) all your possessions are gone, 3) your children are gone.

The part about Jerkhief's "filthy smoking habit" is just salt in the wound.  Chandler is deeply opposed to smoking tobacco, to the point that he calls it "tobacky" to avoid the discomfort of even saying the word "tobacco."  His stance on smoking is so rigid that it is often one of the first conditions he brings up when outlining his romantic preferences.  It should come as no surprise that he would automatically cast one of his villains as a smoker, for no other reason than to demonize both the Jerkhief and the act of smoking.

The Jerkhief's sustained, Vader-esque "Nooooooo...!!" may be inspired by the character Pedro in Excel Saga, who frequently whines in a similar manner.  This is purely speculation, although given the sheer volume of Excel Saga references that permeate Sonichu, it's hard to dismiss as coincidence.

[annotatedsonichu]

Sonichu #0, page 42 (S-8)

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: ...Ha!!

JERKHIEF: Aaaaah!!!

As we previously saw on page 31, the Curse-ye-ha-me-ha attack causes tremendous pain to the victim.

This is the first of many splash pages in Sonichu which are oriented perpendicularly to the rest of the art.  Chandler always presents such pages sideways, as they wiould appear if collected into a printed comic book, which is unnecessary for a series that has to date been web-exclusive.  I have compensated to save you the trouble of tilting your head to one side.

I try to avoid overanalyzing Chandler's artwork, since it speaks for itself.  However, I cannot help but point out the lines representing the edges of the floor tiles; none of them are even remotely straight.  I don't expect Chris to have any particular mastery of perspective (although I should expect it from someone with a CADD degree), but one would think he could have at least used a ruler.

[annotatedsonichu]

Sonichu #0, page 41 (S-7)

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: Give up now, leave me alone, and we can end  this battle!

JERKHIEF: No way!  I'm not done with you yet!

SFX: Bang!

CAPTION: *Barrier*

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: "Fuzzy-wuzzys get you hugs; prickly-wicklies get you slugs!"

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: You gave me a slug, so you get my secret ultimate attack!

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: Curse-ye...ha-me...

Ostensibly, Chris-chan Sonichu has the same moral code as Chandler's childhood heroes, who never seek to start or escelate a fight.  Hence, once the Jerkhief is clearly defeated and no longer a threat, Chris-chan offers an olive branch rather than going in for the kill.  However, it is soon apparent that Chandler is less interested in having mercy than in saying he does.

Following the outlandish nature of the battle from the past few pages, it is somewhat jarring to see the Jerkhief actually draw a handgun and fire it at Chris-chan.  Considering Jerkhief was just moments ago trying to destroy Chris-chan with a guided missile, I probably shouldn't be so perturbed that he is firing his sidearm in the middle of a busy mall.  Still, this is a bit like seeing Wile E. Coyote dispense with the Acme catapults and simply pick off the Road Runner with a sniper rifle.  I cannot believe anyone has ever been forced to draw a firearm upon Chandler, which simply reveals that these dramatizations of his run-ins with the law have him seeking to blow everything out of proportion.

Chris-chan Sonichu naturally deflets the bullet without any difficulty--again, considering what the Jerkhief already threw at him, this is really a pitiful last stand.  The situation is frankly unchanged--the Jerkhief is just as helpless now as he was when Chris made his peace offering.  But now he has an excuse to be vindictive, and he will relish in it.

Chris's remark about fuzzy-wuzzies and prickly-wicklies seems to be derived from the short story "A Warm Fuzzy Tale" by Claude M. Steiner; the story illustrates the wisdom of the Golden Rule, although Chandler's reference to it instead echos the concept of "tit for tat."  Chris attempted to be forgiving, and was shot at for his trouble, so now he's going to repay the Jerkhief in kind.  Thus, all of the supposed honor and nobility suggested in panel 1 is immediately out the window.  There is no need for Chris to attack the Jerkhief any further--the gunshot was never a real threat to him, and his enemy is clearly beaten--but he is determined to make the bastard pay.  His "secret ultimate attack" is of course no secret to us, as we have already seen the Curse-ye-ha-me-ha in action before.  Soon we shall see its true power unfold.

[annotatedsonichu]

Sonichu #0, page 40 (S-6)

CAPTION: *Double Team*

CAPTION: *Laser beam*

CAPTION: *Mirror Coat*

CAPTION: *Thunderbolt*

JERKHIEF: My armor!

Chris-chan Sonichu seems to possess all of the powers of Pikachu, Sonic the Hedgehog, and Sonichu, in addition to a few of his own unique attacks.

As with many battles in the Sonichu series, this one is woefully one-sided and mercifully short.  No effort is made to create any sense of danger that the Jerkhief could win.  As far as Chandler is concerned, the drama is simply that Jerkhief is bothering Chris-chan in the first place.

[annotatedsonichu]

Sonichu #0, page 39 (S-5)

JERKHIEF: OK... now watch me!  Metal armor, equip!

SFX: Tick tock tick tock

CAPTION: *Rocket Punch*

CAPTION: *Mega Kick*

SFX: *clunk*

CAPTION: *Back Missile*

Mr. Chandler is nothing if not sporting--even though the whole point of this story is to recreate events more to his liking, he grants the Jerkhief powers to offset the advantages of Chris-chan Sonichu..  I don't recognize Jerkhief's metal armor as being based upon any specific concept from a video game or television series.  However, it feels reminiscent of a video game mini-boss, right down to the missile launcher on his back as a deterrent against leaping over him.  I would not be surprised to learn that there is an enemy in the Sonic the Hedgehog games resembling this design.

As seen in Sonichu's battle with Zapdos, action sequences in this series consist of the combatants acting out special attacks like a turn-based game such as Pokemon or an RPG.  Jerkhief fires the right fist assembly of his armor at Chris-chan, who dodges it by leaping up onto Jerkief's head and delivering a Mega Kick.  When Chris completes his acrobatics, he is behind his opponent, who fires a missile from his dorsal-mounted launcher.  Clearly this battle has now escalated far beyond the scope of mall security simply trying to remove a loiterer from the premises.

[annotatedsonichu]

Sonichu #0, page 38 (S-4)

CAPTION: Chris-chan Sonichu

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: "Here we go!  Let's rock 'n roll" with "things that make you go hmmmm..."

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: "Everybody dance now!"

CAPTION: *Ref. to C&C Music Factory*

Transformation sequences are a staple of superheroic children's television, particularly in low-budget programming where there is an obvious benefit to recycling the same footage in every episode.  Chandler has demonstrated an affinity for many series that utilize this trope, whether the sequence summons superhuman powers (He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, Sailor Moon), giant transforming mecha (Mighty Morphin Power Rangers), or even a simple wardrobe change (Filmation's Ghostbusters).  It is unsurprising that his author character in Sonichu would have a similar routine for preparing for battle.  If this sequence is based on any specific TV series, I haven't been able to identify it, although it is strikingly similar to that of Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon.

Chris-chan Sonichu's battlecry is...unorthodox to say the least.  He is of course quoting the titles of three hit singles released by C+C Music Factory in 1990-1991.  I can only assume that this is an example of his "random-access humor," or perhaps an attempt to sound totally radical and irreverent like his hero Sonic the Hedgehog.  

His citation of his quotes is misguided; either his audience will understand the reference without the aid of author's notes, or they won't get the joke without an explanation and therefore the joke should not be made at all.  This is a concept Chandler will fail to grasp on multiple occasions throughout Sonichu's publication history.

[annotatedsonichu]

Sonichu #0, page 37 (S-3)

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: I'd better transform, quickly!

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: Electric-hedgehog power!

CAPTION: *Sonichu medallion*

This is some of the worst panel-to-panel storytelling in the series thus far, so I should probably break down what's happening.

Chris glances from side to side and realizes a Jerkop is about to catch him by surprise with handcuffs.  The handcuffs fail to snag him, though, as he quickly moves both his arms out of the way.  He then kicks the Jerkop in the groin, ending that threat.  Almost immediately, Chris has another Jerkop approaching him from behind, but he deftly takes this man out with a blind backhand strike.  Realizing he won't get another chance, he quickly places his hands on his chest and summons the Electric-hedgehog Power through his Sonichu medallion, which begins to glow with an energy that soon envelops his whole body.  His arm is transformed, and then he grows the familiar blue quills and tail of his alter-ego, Chris-chan Sonichu.  The remainder of the transformation is on the next page.

As noted, the use of handcuffs suggests this story represents an incident in which Chandler was really handcuffed in Charlottesville Fashion Square on September 11, 2004.  He has claimed he was arrested but did not have to go to jail, but Chris may have simply been handcuffed by the mall's security team.  It's not clear if actual law enforcement officials were ever truly involved.  We'll probably never know since Chandler makes no distinction between private security and actual police; to him the real police are the ones who never bother him.

In this version of events, no less than three Jerkops (including the Jerkhief) are assembled to apprehend Chris, and he makes short work of two of them.  Presumably nothing like this happened in real life, as he would have been in far worse trouble if he'd struck even a private security guard.  His desire to do this, though, is readily apparent.  Also note Chris's obvious willingness to fight dirty with the cheap low blow in Panel 5.  For all his talk about being a hero who fights for tru love and honesty, he understands nothing about honorable combat except that it's all fair unless it's being done to him.