Having Toshi in his apartment is weird. Very, very weird. It makes him all jittery and nervous. It feels like two very separate parts of his life are colliding together. It feels vulnerable.
Luckily, Toshi is so dead on his feet that he barely does more than drop his backpack and collapse on Tooru’s couch, failing to notice Tooru nervously running a finger along the already absolutely spotless bookshelves in his living room.
Tooru gives him a kiss on the head and disappears into the kitchen to check on the Pollo al Disco, which has been slowly simmering away especially for Toshi since this morning. While he is putting on the rice in the rice cooker, his phone rings.
It’s the caterers for the wedding.
Tooru sighs loudly and slides the button to answer.
A long, complex discussion follows, involving choosing alternatives for vegetarian, vegan and gluten free dishes, guesstimating how many of their guests will prefer fish over meat, and debating the merits of serving malbec or cabernet sauvignon with the asado.
At some point, Toshi emerges into the kitchen and wraps his arms around Tooru from behind, making him swear, confusing the poor chef on the other end of the line. When Toshi steps back silently, hands held up in apology, Tooru gives him a playful kick at the ankle and a wink to reassure him.
Finally, options debated and decisions made, Tooru hangs up the phone and runs his hands through his hair in frustration. “Fuck me, I hate all this wedding bullshit!” he groans. “Whose idea was this, anyway? I mean, why didn’t we just elope and be done with it? Why are we inviting two hundred people and feeding them dinner?”
Toshi steps close and folds him in his arms again, brushing a kiss against his cheek. “Because you wanted to, and it makes you happy, Tooru. Despite how much you complain.”
“Well, I still think that this is all your fault somehow. You must have melted my brain so much in Paris that I thought proposing to you was a good idea.” Tooru laughs a little and sighs again, letting himself relax in those big, enfolding arms for a moment. “You want something to drink? Tea, coffee, wine?” Shakes his head, remembering who he is asking. “Or I have green tea, peppermint tea and soda water, or just filtered.”
“Just water is fine, Tooru.”
Something in Toshi’s voice makes Tooru look at him closely. On the surface, he looks as impassive and calm as ever, but... there’s something. “What’s wrong?”
Toshi looks slightly surprised. “Nothing.”
Tooru scowls. “Don’t give me that. Something has upset you and I want to know what it is.”
“Mmh. I wonder sometimes how you do that.”
“Do what?”
“Notice... things. Like this. What I am feeling.”
Tooru’s scowl turns into a surprised frown. “Because I pay attention to you, Ushiwaka. I mean, you’re not quite the open book to me as I am to you, but I know you and I can feel it when you’re upset.” He gives him a little squeeze with his arms. “Especially when you’re standing right here, living and breathing in front of me.”
“Mhm.” Toshi hums again and squeezes back, but doesn’t say anything more.
Tooru steps out of the hug and crosses his arms, not willing to let this go. “So, come on, out with it. What is it?”
Toshi looks across at him, his eyes strangely sad. He hesitates a fraction. “You... were speaking Spanish.”
“Um... yes?” Tooru’s frown deepens. “That’s what we speak here in Argentina, Toshi.”
“I have never heard you speak Spanish before. Not once.”
Tooru opens his mouth to correct him and remind him of all the different times he has spoken Spanish when they’ve been together, and then closes it again because he can’t remember any. Has he really never spoken Spanish in front of Toshi? Surely there must have been a time, in all these years? But... Try as he might, he cannot remember a single one. Everywhere they’ve been before, they’ve either spoken Japanese or, if forced to, English.
Honest question to everyone who's experienced sub-space before ☝🏼
To my knowledge, I've never experienced sub-space before. But I think maybe I did the other day?
For context: I had a session with my dom after a party. I was drunk (not wasted, just happy drunk) and really tired. The session didn't involve much pain (that usually gets me flying) or anything I wouldn't consent to when sober. No boundaries were pushed. I can't really say when it happened, but during the session I felt somewhat dissociated? I went non-verbal and didn't care about myself anymore. I still felt like I was inside my body, but all that mattered was my dom and I did degrading things that usually would make at least hesitate and feel very embarrassed about. I did whatever my dom wanted, completely forgetting about myself. She wanted me to speak, but I just couldn't. Like it would cost too much energy?
It felt weird and tbh I don't really like it. Hoping it was just me being drunk and tired.
If anyone has thoughts, please share them with me 🙇🏼♀️
I’d say it was subspace but not just subspace. When I experience it, it is kind of mindless like you’re letting yourself relax mind and body into what they want for you, and that can involve talking less since you’re not very focused on yourself, but not being able to talk even when ordered sounds like it’d be something else. Maybe the combination of heightened state and being somewhat drunk?
Hey, thanks for your input!
I was hoping it wasn't sub space because it didn't feel as great as advertised 😂
Maybe I'll experience real sub space some day and see the difference 😌
It doesn’t take much for me to surrender to you. All I need is for you to touch me, kiss me, and tell me softly in my ear where you want me to be. The I unravel into you and your power over me. I love it that way. I never knew what this feeling was before you and no one else has been able to replace you. I’m sorry I tried. We both tried. But there’s no use. We always come back to one another. Now I don’t want to leave your side and there’s 850 miles between us. My submission keeps me in your space with you so far away. It keeps me focused when we can’t communicate. Talking a moment to kneel and imagine your hands on me and hearing your voice keeps me going. I can’t wait until I see you again. My body aches for you and only you. No one else will do. Xoxo
