Migrane
So last night I saw them live for the first time. And unexpectedly (for me) they played Migrane. I think the fact that I didn’t know it will come made it so much better and I started crying. Because that song means everything to me. The first verse: “Sundays are my suicide days” for me Sundays are hard because it means I have to worry about Monday, and getting ready for school which is very hard for me to think of the night before. “Slight drizzle” depressing British weather. “Let it be said what the headache represents (…) by a ruthless examiner that is represented best by my depressing thought” these thought, these anxious and depressive thoughts are so hard for me to fight and is what really makes it hard to keep going. So the fact that he put it into words, that i’m not the only one fighting those things, that i’m not stupid with being at war with myself. Which is why seeing it live was so amazing. Because he was singing it for me, with me. And all those people around were singing it too. We are all fighting this, and at that moment we were fighting it together. And the fact that i’m not the only one who thinks that sometimes death seems better is amazing, and so healing. “I’m not as fine as I seem, pardon me for yelling and telling you green gardens are not what’s growing in my psyche” everyone thinks you’re happy, but you’re not. And it was magical to hear him sing it with me. There in the same room. And he made us say pardon and gardens and it was perfect. “Sometime to stay alive you’ve got to kill your mind” the fact that a huge room full of people is shouting it with me as loud as they can because tyler put his hands out to us was just magical. We’re in this together tonight. “And I say that we should take a day to break away from all the pain our brain has made, the game is not played alone” we need to take those short moments to be happy, even if they are fleeting. It’s a tiny break from the battle. And this concert is hopefully that break, this song was my break, because i wasn’t alone at all. “And we should take a moment and hold it and keep it frozen” this is this moment. Singing this. This is the moment I will hold on forever to know that “life has a hopeful undertone” even when everything feels shit there is something happy to look to. And it’s that moment, singing it with tyler: tyler singing it to me, telling me to keep hopeful, to stay alive for moments like these. To keep fighting those suicidal crazed lions and those tidal waves of emotions. Because it’s worth it for that moment. Just one single moment that will be gone in a second, but will keep you going for years. I was so happy I cried. It was a beautiful moment. With beautiful music and beautiful people. And now whenever I hear that I have no voice I remember screaming that song with tyler there with me and it makes me so happy to be alive. Because in that room we all fought and won over blurryface at that moment. And it means I can do it again.