I realised that we want fusion in some capacity tonight. The context is below, and the syscourse is underneath that.
I was engaged in a conversation about how diagnosises can be quite harmful when I mentioned how we wish to pursue a DID diagnosis. A singlet (very politely I must stressed) asked me what the point of it is. After all, we are in treatment for it with a trauma specialist who specialises in complex cases who is able to assist us.
And it made me stop and consider that. It was a while before I was able to formulate my response.
Confirmation we do actually have it was the first thing that popped into my mind. That was not quite accurate, as we generally have a very good handle on denial. Instances of denial are brief, although they are quite severe at times as it can cause major set backs in communication, and do not truly impact us.
For multiple months we have been in a state of constant dissociation. When people were fronting they simply were unable to remain grounded. Even I, our most consistent fronter, was never able to ground and I would instantly leave the moment we would have any form of expression in our voice or body at all. (I tend to be quite hypoemotive.)
We used to be able to simply get alters to the front by sort of summoning them, we have not used front triggers in a long time. It was only a few days ago that we figured out our communication and dissociative barriers had worsened, and that that means we are not capable of switching like we used to. We dug up old front triggers and got someone to the front and it was the first time we were grounded in months. Since then, we have achieved certain switches in the way that we used to between alters with good communication by taking the time to ground ourselves using things akin to front triggers.
There is minimal memory for multiple months. Even instances we know we were present are foggy or just entirely forgotten due to the fact that we were unable to encode much of anything while so dissociated. And those instances may honestly be fewer and far inbetween than we thought, as I suspect a lot of instances of 'someone being there' were fragments that split off based on our need for someone to be there.
Our system is quite unstable. We split very regularly at even the slightest hint of stress, and have complex splitting patterns that mean we always split several parts at once. It worries me how more unstable we have gotten, how many more parts we have gotten, as a result of the last few months.
Having access to a DID specialist would provide us the support to stablise our system and integrate. (Integrate =/= fuse.) Which lead me to realise that not only do I wish for our system to be stable, I wish for our system to be functional.
Last night we were trying to find a protector who could handle supporting a friend during a difficult moment. Several alters were tired before we found someone who may work. They dissociated almost instantly when the situation began, and I now realise that likely means that a fragment had split to handle it. I now realise that it is likely every instance of an alter who was brought in to handle a situation only to afterwards find memory of the situation foggy despite at the time the person fronting believing themselves to be them likely means that we had split a fragment.
It would be great if those parts of ourself that protect us could be a proper alter who is capable of being grounded during stressful situations. It would be great to have alters who hold memory of those events as opposed to them just disappearing from all of us.
It would be great to have fusion so our system can be smaller, more manageable, more functional. No more scrambling around for 10+ minutes looking through our system list to try and find someone who may be able to handle something, only to have that not even work. It would be great if we had consistent fronters, as opposed to various people popping up at random and being consistent for a short period of time before simply phasing out.
The issue is, I feel incredibly frightened and isolated upon this realisation. The community only ever discusses fusion in the context of, "I would never my alters have helped me through too much, I love them too much!" It is only very recently in it being brought up in syscourse that I ever heard someone who fused say that they did too.
I as an alter do not want to fuse. At least, I do not at the moment. But the idea of anyone in our system fusing is frightening. I (as an alter) introject very intensely and regularly. (Reminder that introjection as a process can occur without the introjected parts gaining dissociative barriers.) Beyond simply knowing and caring about the people in the system due to us being in the system, I have psudomemories shared with many of them. Even as source seperated as I am, the idea of people who I know and love and remember doing all these things with no longer being the same is frightening.
I know they would not be gone if they fused, the fusion would be all of those parts together, but it is still scary. Not only am I scared, I feel very very isolated.
Fusion needs to be given space within the community. We need to allow for discussions of it to extend beyond the, "I could never I love my alters too much," perspective. There is this false idea that systems who reach final fusion were never like those of us who have not. The way it is spoken of paints this picture of people who have only ever viewed every single alter as a dissociative part and there was no complex feelings surrounding the situation.
Final fusion is recovery. The fact that so many of us content warn it and blacklist it because it is upsetting for some systems is likely the driving factor behind it. Not only does it demonise people's recovery, but the constant fear mongering prevents people from even beinf able to think about it neutrally let alone consider if it may work for them.