Aug 25, 2025
no one:
not even the cicadas screaming:
me, sprinting to the theater: stranger (Wicked) Things (for good) is the next barbenheimer !!!!!!!🥳🧇🩷💚🧙♀️🚶♀️
seen from Angola
seen from Malaysia
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seen from United States
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seen from China
seen from United States
seen from Japan
seen from United States
seen from Côte d’Ivoire
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Canada
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Türkiye
seen from United States
no one:
not even the cicadas screaming:
me, sprinting to the theater: stranger (Wicked) Things (for good) is the next barbenheimer !!!!!!!🥳🧇🩷💚🧙♀️🚶♀️
"We should never have time on our hands, not even a second — and I am not exaggerating. There is work to be done. The world is a big place and there are millions of souls who have not yet heard the doctrine of Christ in all its clarity. I am addressing each one of you individually. If you have time on your hands, think again a little. It's quite likely that you have become lukewarm; that, supernaturally speaking, you have become a cripple. You are not moving, you are at a standstill. You are barren, you are not doing all the good you should be doing to the people around you, in your environment, in your work and in your family."
St. Josemaria Escriva, Meditation "Time is a Treasure"
My first try at poetry! I took a little inspiration from Shirley Jackson’s “The Haunting of Hill House,” which is the book I was reading during this specific memory- E.
Days 23-32
Day 23: Today I woke up early, went to the gym, went to the grocery store and did everything I could to get back on a regular schedule and beat the jet lag. I started some projects I want to accomplish the summer. The first of which was going through old stored photos and deleting photos j don't want to free up some room. It was strange to see old old photos of me. It was even stranger to see screenshots of old conversations from different ex boyfriends. Times sure do change...
Day 24: Today was not anything exciting either. Still trying to get back on track and the gym and with my diet. It feels so strange though to know that 48 hours ago, I was across the world having the time of my life and now I'm here- at Aldi, in the gym, at the car wash. But I feel semi- at level today because I finally feel like I have found my heart's true calling. I need to travel. I need adventure as badly as I need to breath. I'm just not happy without it. This revelation explains a lot of the last two years of my life. So today I made plans to go see a childhood best friend on Atlanta for four days. It's not as exciting as Paris and Venice but I've never been and the rubber on the road is all I need.
Day 25: Today the politician texted me. He said he was worried about me when I was abroad. Nice sentiment but I know he just wants to get back together. I knew this would happen the moment he broke up with me. I knew when summer rolled around and I wasn't as busy, he would realize what a giant mistake he made and come crawling back. But new flash kid, you don't get to leave when it's inconvenient for your life and comeback when it is. That's not how it works around here.
Day 26: I don't know what has really come over me. I have slept for most of the day. I got up and went to the gym but I didn't get much else accomplished all day. Once I finally got up, I went to the gym and then over to the best friend’s house to celebrate her mother’s 60th birthday. Her mother has been so influential in my teenaged years. She was always the mom that I could trust with my teenaged angst and varies issues that were insignificant, looking back on it, but she never judged me and was always willing to do whatever she could to help me. When things with my parents were really bad, she opened her home to me and basically provided me a safe haven and a place to live when and if I needed it. I will forever be grateful for her hospitality and loving nature.
Day 27: Today was just another day where not much happened. This week is relatively boring but I’m just trying to get things around the house accomplished after my Euro Trip and ready to leave for Atlanta. I do admit, I love constantly being on the move. These are the days I always dreamed of as a little girl. My friend that is living in Atlanta, my best friend, and I stayed up talking about about the people we graduated high school with. It doesn’t seem nice, and I assure you, it really wasn’t, but we just marveled at the kids we always envied- the kids who were rich and popular and had everything they ever wanted- are now the kids that have dropped out of college, have kids, or various other things that we never thought would happen. We are so blessed to have moved on to bigger and better things in college rather than peaking in college.
Day 28: My friend in Atlanta and I stayed up until 4 this morning talking about everything under the stars on skype. Therefore, this day was incredibly uneventful because I slept a large portion of the day after we finally decided to go to bed.
Day 29: Excited for Atlanta, today I woke up and went shopping for a hat and some other things to wear while we are down there. I bought and tested out the Jergens self tanner gradual glow and I really like it. I am super pale but wanted a little bit of color for chilling by the pool and going out. It isn’t streaky and it applies really well. It is a little orange though... Also, today was the day I’ve been waiting for since the summer started, I got to pre-order my Lilly planner for next year. This is always one of the most exciting parts of the new school year. I got the pink Tusk-in-Sun print. My freshman year, I had the original one and I love elephants so I was super excited to see this print in the jumbo planner this year. They did have another really cute one though with starfish and that was my second favorite. I was very torn.
Day 30: Today was very exciting. My day started off with my little asking me to go to Virginia with her on a roadtrip. She knows I am a sucker for a good roadtrip. It is especially exciting because we will be leaving the day after I get back from Atlanta so I will basically only be home for 12 hours or so but I love that. It is just enough time to do a load of laundry and re-pack. I am at my happiest when I am constantly moving and on the go, but especially when I am going places I’ve never been. I wanted to spend this summer traveling after I spent this last year and a half in the most difficult period of my life so far. I quit my job of 4+ years and dedicated this summer to me so I’m excited to constantly be going. I hate being in one place for very long. Thats one of the reasons I want to go military for my job. Later, I went to a campaign strategy meeting for a man running for state senate that I fully support. He asked me to be his campaign manager but as a student and as involved in everything as I am, I knew I couldn’t provide the time he would have needed so I had him call a friend of mine and he’s been doing a great job. Regardless, I went to provide some insight and work on getting some events scheduled and afterwards, I went to dinner with his campaign manager, who also happens to be my ex’s best friend. I thought it would be awkward but thank God it wasn’t. I ended the night with a relaxing bubble bath and watching the movie Copenhagen on Netflix. It was amazing. I have really been enjoying Netflix movies lately. I on’t know if I finally found the ones I like or if they added some new good ones lately but it makes me happy because i finally feel like i’m getting my 9 dollars worth.
Day 31: Today me and my little went to a candidate forum for another state senate campaign i’ve been working on. It was really good to see everyone and hear from all the candidates and I really appreciated that my little came as my date. Sometimes I feel so awkward at those types of events because I am so used to being with my ex and everyone is used to seeing him there with me. Luckily, he wasn’t there even though I felt sure he would be.
Day 32: Today was another slow day. Just trying to get some stuff done around the house before I pack and grocery shop tomorrow and get ready to ship out for a week in Atlanta!!
Euro-Trip Pt. 2 Venice Days Twenty- Twenty Two
Day Twenty This morning, we woke up, had a cappuccino and chocolate croissant on the train and then arrived in Venice. We checked into our beautiful hotel, Hotel Venezia. We got some lunch at a local cafe after checking in and settling in a bit. I got a slice of pizza the size of my head and a coke “light” because I can’t give up my diet coke addiction just because I’m away from the states. We also had our first taste of Italian gelato. I had tiramisu and pistachio gelato in Paris but this was even better. I got biscotti flavor and stracciatella flavor. Afterwards, we left the mainland of Venice, learned to use their public transport, and headed towards the water taxis. When we got to the bank of the grand canal, i was instantly at peace. I always feel the most at ease whenever i’m near water but being here is even more peaceful. We went looking for Ezra Pound’s old apartment but got trapped in a downpour so we never ended up finding it. After the rain subsided, we headed towards Saint Marc’s square and toured the Doge’s palace, went over the bridge of sighs, and saw the prisions. We walked all around and finally settled on a place to have dinner. I didn’t catch the name or else I would put it here but it was a lovely place down the walk from a leather shop and they had amazing pasta- small portions but also very reasonable prices. I had a glass of prosecco, the spinach ricotta cannelloni, and of course, a cannoli. We considered going on a gondola ride tonight but it had been off and on raining and we didn’t want to get caught out in the weather so we decided to do it tomorrow night. We look a water taxi tour of the city and headed back to the mainland towards the hotel. Before going to bed, we ordered a whole pizza from the cafe near the hotel. It was 12 Euros and was longer and wider than the length of my arm. We also got more gelato, this time i tried pistachio, hazelnut, and tiramisu. I did think about the artist tonight though. I hate that because I am in this beautiful place and I still can’t help but wonder what happened. I also thought about the man from when I was 16 who contacted me as I left for Paris letting me know he still loved me even after all these years. I would have done anything to hear him say that a year ago but it has been so long and I have changed so much that I just can’t return those feelings anymore. I wish I could because there was a time, a few actually, where he was all i wanted. I have also been talking to another very close friend for the last few days. I contacted him as I was leaving and he was very appreciative but I think he has a significant other now. I’m happy for him. I’m glad he didn’t wait around for me forever, even though the last few years have been hard. I hope she brings him lots of happiness because I know I couldn’t. It is just difficult being in these beautiful and romantic cities. While I do not wish I had a significant other right now, and especially not here, seeing everyone in love all around you makes you wonder. I’ve also had lots of wine so that probably has something to do with it.
Day Twenty One: Today was one of the best days of my life. We woke up super early, had breakfast, and headed towards the island of Murano where they make the famous Murano glass. We got there so early that most things were still closed but we wanted to get as much out of our last day in Europe as possible. We stopped and had a cappuccino while we waited for things to open up. We looked around, shopped, I had more gelato (this time, blueberry and passionfruit- possible my two favorite), went to the cemetery island where we found Ezra Pound, then we headed to Burano, the island where they make lace. We had a leisurely lunch. I had a glass of prosecco, bruschetta, seafood pasta, veal, and tiramisu. After lunch, we got a little adventurous, hoped on a water taxi, and got off at a stop that looked essentially like a jungle. The island’s name was Torcello and as we walked, we saw a bunch of cats, a very old walking bridge (which after some research, I found to be called Ponte del Diavolo), and then we happened upon a playground and a cafe. Of course we played on the playground and got more gelato, (this time- mango, strawberry, and lemon), and marveled at just how beautiful this island was that seemingly had very few people on it and 0 tourists (other than us of course). We sat there soaking up the first real sunshine we had the whole trip and an american couple from California walked up to us, noticing our university on our friend’s shirt and told us about the church further down the path that was built in 639. We of course went to see it but could not get in. We also walked out onto some not very sturdy wooden planks into the middle of the canal to take photos. i am not usually scared of things but i got two feet on that plank and freaked. I stepped back onto the ground, but that fear and the fact that i am never scared, motivated me to do it again and get all the way out there. After we left Torcello, we went to another island that was entirely residential. It was so nice to see how real Venetians lived- their laundry hung out to dry, walking their babies in strollers, the graffiti on the walls. We walked for a while and eventually ended up sitting on the wall overlooking the lagoon and watching the sun set. It was breath taking and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t cry a little. I love Venice so much and I feel so at home here. I am already thinking of ways to retire here or get stationed here.... After the sun set, we went back to Saint Marc’s square, got some dinner (I had gnocchi) and then went for a gondola ride. It was a truly amazing day. When we got back to the hotel, i had some more gelato and we did some research on Torcello, which come to find was a place Hemingway lived, was the first real part of Venice and had the first Venetian population (until they all left because of a horrible malaria outbreak), was the place the bishop in the 600s lived for a while, and currently has 10 residents (explains why it seemed that no one was there). Now we’re packing up and getting ready to leave tomorrow morning and I don’t want to. I know it sounds horrible but I don’t miss home. While I love America more than anything, I just feel like a different person here. A person I really like. But I know I’ll be happy to be home once I’m there.
Day Twenty Two We woke up this morning, packed up, had breakfast, and headed for the airport. We got to the airport, I bought a sandwich, and we boarded the plane headed for Philadelphia. Luckily, I had two empty seats beside me so I stretched out a little. I wanted to watch a bunch of movies but I just felt so down so I slept most of the trip home even though I knew I shouldn’t and fight the jet lag I would get when I got home if I slept on the plane. We landed in Philadelphia, went to Chick Fil A (full circle now) and got Chinese food too. Our plane was super delayed but eventually we boarded the flight headed for Charlotte. When we landed in Charlotte, I cried a lot. i couldn’t help it. The entire trip never really seemed real to me- like it was all some beautiful dream- and when we landed in Charlotte, I woke up from that beautiful dream and wanted nothing more than to fall back into it. I spent the evening showing the photos to my parents and then made steaks and bought champagne. They were so excited to have me back home. I just wish I was excited. I am happy to see everyone and I did miss them but there was an independence and a carefree sense I felt when I was abroad that I would give anything to have back. I just hope I am able to adjust to life back home quickly and that I don’t feel as I do tonight for very long.
Euro-Trip! Pt.1 Paris, France Days Thirteen- Nineteen
Day Thirteen This is the day I wasn’t sure would ever come. Now that it is here, it almost doesn’t seem real. Today I get on a big jet plane and go to Europe for the first time in my life. This was a decision I made for myself when everything with the ex got scary and I felt like I needed to escape. Even though it wasn’t an immediate escape, I knew that when this day arrived, it would have been well deserved... and boy is it. I thought i would be nervous or scared when this day came because my parents aren’t going and it is a long trip but its here now and I couldn't feel more ready. Though I don’t know what will happen and there is so much unknown, which normally scares me and frustrates me, for some reason it feels so freeing right now. I feel so strange that I have this sudden shift in thinking but it is exciting all the same. I slept late today even though I had every intention of getting in a strong workout before I left because I have every intention to eat and drink everything in sight while I am there but that did not work out well. It is probably a good thing that i got in some sleep now though because I know with the time change, i’ll be awake for some time now. Anyways, i got up and grabbed my bags and headed to Chick-Fil-A to get one last dose of America for a while. I met two of my sisters there and we headed off to the airport. We made it, got our boarding passes, went through security and waited for the plane. I am not a nervous traveler and i love to fly but i have always hated the TSA security part but this time, i just went right through and didn’t panic one bit. I’m not sure what is going on with my carefree attitude right now but I love it and i hope it sticks around for.... well forever frankly. We boarded the plane, took off, they fed us and I’m just watching a bunch of movies because I am too excited to sleep. Technically, in French time, this day is over now so we’ll see what tomorrow (or today...?) brings us.
Day Fourteen Bonjour! We landed safely, grabbed our bags, and headed from Charles De Gaulle towards our hotel. Although we encountered some crazy French drivers, we passed a huge field of yellow daisies which were breath-taking. Daisies as far as the eyes could see. I just took a deep breath and realized how blessed I am to be alive and be here right now. We got to our hotel, Hotel Magenta 38, which was very modern and beautiful. The best part was that we had a big balcony with views of a large part of the city. I couldn’t have asked for a better room. We went down the street looking for some food and happened upon a lovely bakery and sandwich shop where I ordered some pastry and a smoked salmon sandwich which was delicious. After lunch, we went to find some of the places where famous writers like Hemingway and Joyce lived. We learned how to work the metro which was a giant feat for me. Being from a small southern town, we don’t have public transport and I understood the system within two rides on the metro so that really gave me an amazing sense of accomplishment. We walked around and saw where Hemingway lived- where he wrote and hung out. We passed James Joyce’s residence. We saw the pantheon and a big beautiful church right near it. There were lots of young Parisians hanging out in that area- reading, smoking, and talking to their friends. I can’t even image what it would be like to be a young person living in a city like this, where anything is possible. After admiring the pantheon, we turned around and saw our first glimpse of the eiffel tower. it was far away but we could still see the top half or so and it was incredible. I think this is the point where it started to feel real to me. I was actually in Paris seeing things many can only dream of- seeing things I never thought I would have the courage to see. But even now, it doesn’t seem entirely real. It is all like a big beautiful dream. We walked for a while and saw Notre Dame, the Deportation memorial, and one of my favorite places, Shakespeare and Company. Though I do not usually buy souvenirs because i prefer to spend my money tasting the cuisine because i’m the world’s biggest foodie, i did have to buy a Fitzgerald book there. Now i could have bought it in the states but it was surprisingly cheap there and it now has a stamp from the store, which makes it all the more valuable. Again i wonder what it would be like to live here and be able to spend countless hours in that store, just reading and hanging out. After we left Shakespeare and Company, we went to dinner. We had beef bourguignon, a delicious salad and cheese plate, and a chocolate mousse. At this point, we were practically falling asleep in our dinner. I had been awake for almost 40 hours and had walked about 6 miles. We went back to the hotel, took in the view one more time from the balcony and went to bed.
Day Fifteen We got up early this morning, went to enjoy some delicious breakfast, and then set off to find Gertrude Stein’s old apartment. We found it and then broke in to get a closer look.... the sign on the outside of the building says she lived in the building but we knew her apartment was across the courtyard that we could not see. As we were deciding where to go next, someone who lived there walked out and we caught the gate before it could close and decided to go in a get a closer look. There was a beautiful courtyard and across from it, with the green awning, we could see where she lived and I imaged just how many famous authors must have walked where we walked to go see her. Afterwards, we wandered around looking for a place to have lunch. We wandered up and down the streets and happened upon the Fontaine Saint-Michel which was beautiful. At that point, we were so hungry that we went back to Shakespeare and Company to get some key-lime pie and espresso to hold us over until we had an early dinner rather than have lunch as we had originally planned to have. Let me tell you, this was the best key lime pie in the world. So sour and amazing. The views of Notre Dame while we were eating it was definitely an added bonus as well. After our little snack, we got on the metro and just picked a destination to get off on in search of dinner. We rode for a while and picked a destination that happened to be where many stores were. We were too hungry to shop anywhere except a giant sephora that we ducked into because it had started to pour down rain. Once the rain let up a little bit, we walked into a little cafe called La Cooperative. I ordered a big draft beer of the local favorite, 1664, and I ordered escargot. While it was hardly enough dinner to fill me up, it was delicious. I also split a croque monsieur which is very popular there. After dinner/late-lunch, we headed off in search of the most tourist-y thing we could do, the eiffel tower. It was late afternoon and we wanted to see it at night so we took some photos in the daylight and boarded a big boat for a cruise and tour of the seine. It was an incredible way to see a large portion of the city and we all know that being on the water and boats are my preferred mode of transport anyway. We watched the sun begin to set from the river and then headed up the Eiffel tower. You can see the entire city from the top and watching it get dark and all the city lights coming on is an image I will always have in my mind. To say it was beautiful is an understatement. We went to the very very top to take photos and then went down to the middle level as it began to strobe at the top of the hour. Then, as it was getting to be time to head back to the hotel for the evening, we heard a big rumble of thunder and two seconds later, a giant strike of lightening. Mind you, we were still standing on this giant metal tower. The search for a way to get down became way too real at that point. Then, as we were searching, within a minute or so, the bottom fell out of the sky and it started pouring and then hailing! It was insane. Pea sized hail fell so quickly and we just tried to find shelter. the hail finally let up and the lightning and rain continued as we made it to the bottom of the tower. Once we got to the bottom of the tower, I went and got a nutella crepe because all that excitement had really worked up a need for a tasty snack before bed. We walked around and went across the street and up some steps and waited for it to strobe at the top of the hour so we could see it strobe from the ground rather than on the tower itself. Then we went back to the hotel to get some well deserved sleep after a long day and ten miles of walking.
Day Sixteen Today started off a little rough. I was incredibly tired and sore from all the walking yesterday and we went to some museums which are beautiful but hard to get through when you are exhausted. However, what i didn’t know as i woke up this morning was that I would make some new friends that would make the day that much better. We went to the Rodin which was incredible, then to Les Invalides to see Napoleon’s tomb. After looking around, we went to a little cafe to have some lunch. I had a lemon crepe and a beautiful coffee. As we were sitting there, I struck up a conversation about politics- as I seemingly always do- with another guy on the trip. At the time, I didn’t think much of it, but as we were wrapping up our lunch and heading to the Louvre, he and his friend decided to go with me and my sister and that was the beginning of a really beautiful friendship. We went to the Louvre for a few hours but there was no way we could even see a fourth of it so we hit some of the highlights and some Greek and Roman sculptures because they are my favorite and we headed off to climb the Arc de Triumph. We watched the changing of the guards there and then went to the top. Despite the 400+ stairs, it was entirely worth it for the views. Afterwards, our little group went and had dinner at La Belle Ferronniere. I had the lamb skewers and a glass a white wine and a salad. While the food was fantastic, nothing could top the sexy waiter we had. It was definitely a conversation piece for all of us at the table. After a lovely leisurely dinner, we went for a walk and had macaroons at the famous Laduree. Then, still feeling warm and happy from all the wine, we went and rode the carousel in front of the eiffel tower. While it may seem immature, we convinced the operator to give us a good deal since no one was riding it and our little group had such a good time. it was so carefree and in the shadow of the beautifully lit up tower made it all the better. Then we sat on the bank of the Seine and just hung out. It was late but we didn’t want a perfect day to end so we sat there and talked and waited for the eiffel tower to strobe again and then went back to the hotel after a full day and 12 miles of walking.
Day Seventeen This day was one of my most memorable, and simultaneously least memorable, days/nights of my entire life. We started off touring the chapel de saint chapelle and saw all the amazing stained glass, then on to the Cluny to see the medieval art and the tapestries. Afterwards, we went to the conciergerie to see where Marie Antoinette was kept before being killed. We had some lunch and then headed back to the banks of the Seine, hell bent on climbing to the top of the Notre Dame bell tower. At think point in our Euro-trip, i think our feet and legs had just gone numb because we wanted to climb every tall building we saw. The top of Notre Dame was incredible and we even got to touch the giant bells. Afterwards, we headed to Sacre Coeur basilica. This also involved a ridiculous amount of steps but like I said, I think we were over it at that point. This is a popular hangout for college students and young people alike. We bought a few beers from the venders and sat on the steps listening to some music being played by a man with a guitar and watching other street performers. After a couple beers, we decided it was the best decision in the world to walk around the sex-district in the dark. While it probably wasn’t the safest decision, it wound up being the best decision we made the entire trip. We walked from the basilica and went into some sex shops just to say we did. We went to the moulin rouge and took pictures outside since it is incredibly expensive to get into. Then, we found ourselves at the irish pub nearby. I had never been in a bar to drink because in the states, I am not quite old enough (6 more months). The bartender was the cutest boy we had seen the whole time we were in Paris, which is saying something because basically every boy is cute there. We ordered a couple of irish car bombs and had an amazing evening. I have never had such a fun evening in my life, and i’ve had some really fun nights. Afterwards, we were pretty drunk so we found ourselves in a French McDonalds, because what else would we eat at 2am? After the chicken nuggets (and mozzarella sticks because I didn't know what I ordered), we went to bed.
Day Eighteen This morning was pretty hard to get out of bed. I was slightly hungover but not too bad. We got on a train to versailles which worked out perfectly because I took about a 15 minute nap and then I was good to go. We took a tour of the mansion and then walked through the gardens for a few hours. It is so beautiful out there, I totally understand why the King and Queen shut themselves out there for several years. Afterwards we went to lunch and I had escargot again, a steak, and tiramisu. We also drank champagne to celebrate (but really grieve) our last full day in Paris. We knew we had to make this day amazing so after lunch, we hoped on the train to head back to Paris. We went to the catacombs because I wanted to go there so badly and afterwards, we went back to the hotel to get ready for a night out on the town. We got dressed, went to dinner, had more champagne, went to the liquor store (because we knew we’d have a big long train ride to Venice tomorrow and liquor is cheap in France), then we got on the metro headed to the giant Ferris Wheel in Paris. After seeing the nightscape of Paris one last time, we started off towards our favorite place, Corcoran’s Irish Pub to have once last goodbye to Paris (and to the hot bartender). We had a couple Irish car bombs and danced our butts off with the locals because on this night, they had a DJ (its was a Saturday). I have never felt more carefree in my life. Dancing to the music, loosing myself in the strobing of the light and the bass, dancing with every guy in the room- I don’t know what heaven looks like but my guess is it is just like that (probably not but I could have died happy right then and there). We slowly went back to the hotel and spent several hours in the lobby playing drinking games, drinking absinthe, and wishing the night would never end because when it did, we would have to leave a town we had fallen in love with so much. After the absinthe, I don’t remember much about that night until I woke up the next morning.
Day Nineteen: We woke up this morning to spend our last few hours in Paris. We got up and had a very long brunch/breakfast until we felt less hungover and sick. After that, we went in search of the american embassy because there wasn't much else we hadn't seen. We got lost and didn't find it but we had fun looking. We went back to the sandwich shop from the first day and got snacks for the train and then went to the train station. I did some writing and reflecting on my time which will go in the end of these posts. We boarded the train, had dinner (i had duck risotto) and then played cards. I knew this trip to venice would be lucky because I got a royal flush when we played poker. everyone else got really drunk because there wasn't much else to do on the train except play cards and drink but i didn't because knew i would be very very sick if i did. The rooms on the train are very tiny and not super comfortable so I’m finishing up this post here. When I wake up in the morning, we’ll be in Venice so these posts will continue there.
Day Twelve
Day Twelve This morning I got up and went to church with Catholic boy. It was exactly what i needed. Even though I know he is not interested in dating me, it was still nice to have that experience and it really got me out of my funk about the artist. After church, we went back to my house and I made him breakfast and it just felt so good to feel useful and appreciated. I am fully aware of how ridiculous that sounds but it is what it is. Afterwards, he went back home and i did laundry and cleaned the house and prepared for leaving tomorrow. As I was packing and getting ready, Catholic boy and my little and i decided to go see Captain America and it was so good to see my little before i leave. She just moved back to our town for most of the summer so I am excited to get back from Europe and hang out with her. In separate news, I am really proud of myself because I managed to pack for two weeks worth of Europe in a carry-on sized suitcase. I am not usually an over-packer but I still think this is a personal record. I just hope i didn’t forget anything.....
Day Nine, Ten, and Eleven
Day Nine: Today was basically horrible. I sent the artist a text last night as I was going to bed thanking him again for the great time and how much fun I had. I slept late today but kept checking my phone to see if he had responded to tell me he also had a great time or even just a hello. I waited all day. No response. Even though he was on facebook and stuff all day. I am writing it off to him being very busy with other things he has going on but idk, it just seems so strange. In an effort to de-stress and distract myself, I went to the gym, where afterwards I dumped water, accidentally, all over my phone. So I am currently very worried about that. I keep checking my imessages on my computer though just in case he texts me....
Day Ten: This morning I went to a republican party meeting and that gave me a little confidence boost. I always enjoy being around those people and I am so glad that the politican was not there. While I don’t have any hard feelings about how things ended, mostly because I wanted it to end, i still find him so annoying and want to punch him so its a good thing I havent seen him yet. It was also nice to take the drive and have some time to think. I keep thinking about the date and the artist and how perfect I thought that night was and I wonder what is going on... He really said some things that made me think he wasn’t the type of guy to never talk to me ever again, at least not without some kind of explanation. When i got home, i tried to get my phone to work and it did, thank god. Still no messages from the artist, although there were some messages from the work ex telling me all about how i was a gold digger and thats why i left him. Oh, of course. It had nothing to do with the abuse or the rage or the terror i felt when i was around you that last year. Also, just because i left partially because he was never going anywhere, doesn’t make me a gold digger, it just means i wanted to go somewhere with my life. But oh well. it does make me glad that i never responded to his nice messages. I struggled with whether or not i should message the artist one last time and when. I thought about waiting until sunday when he moves to wish him happy moving but decided sooner rather than later so i could get some answers. I said that i hoped he was having a good day and so far, no response. i kind of wishes i had asked how his day was but i think if he wanted to talk, he would have responded to the way i wrote it too. I just really don’y understand.... I kind of wish i had never gone out with him. Maybe all those nerves were trying to tell me something was off. But then i think about how much fun i had and how good i felt and i can’t regret it no matter how much i want to. i do wonder though if my gut was trying to warn me. But all those things he said... he wanted to go out again, he wanted me to be his gym partner, he wanted all this stuff but now...? he doesn’t? I wish i knew what his motives were to asking me out. or if i said something to make him angry, or if i just wasn’t pretty enough. i just want answers... i want to know why.
Day Eleven: It was really hard to get out of bed today. I didn’t get up until two in the afternoon. I just kept checking for a text that never came. I hate that i’ve allowed this boy to impact how i feel about myself and how i feel in general but the abruptness of it and the fact that i have no answers makes me crazy. In the short amount of time that i have been awake, I have had several mood swings. I started off very depressed. I couldn’t believe that i was so foolish to allow my guard down and even more foolish to think i had a great time and that apparently he had such a bad time that he can’t even tell me about it. Im embarrassed. I haven’t told anyone that he still hasn’t texted me. I told everyone that asked what a great time i had and now i’ll just look foolish to say that you never even contacted me afterwards. I reply every detail of that date in my head trying to figure out where i went wrong. Did i not talk enough? he talked so much i could hardly get a word in. Did i say “oh jesus” too much in response to some of the things he said and he hated it because he is atheist? Did my dad’s answering the door when i got home make him feel weird? When he asked if he was a good kisser and i hesitated, did that piss him off? Did i not answer a question right? I just don’t know but I wish he’d tell me. Even if it hurts. He claimed to be so blunt and honest, well tell me. Then i get angry because i feel used. He kissed me, he felt me up, he pawed at me and put his hands down my top and never talked to me again? how is that even okay? It’s not! Then i think that even if i never hear from him again, it was still fun and i enjoyed myself and laughed a lot of enjoyed getting to know him. but that acceptance is so hard to...accept.... because so much is so open. I can’t help but think that he HAS to message me someday.... I know he’s busy so i hold on to a little hope that the answer is there but i still can’t imagine that he has no time to let me know what is going on.... I also feel like this may be some karma for how i’ve treated boys in the past. In fact, just this year. I just keep having these mood swings and breaking down and crying. I hate this. And i hate myself because i know that as soon as he messages me (if ever) i’ll be so excited and happy and ready to see him again. Other than that mess, today i got an email about my Europe trip monday with some final details and it really made my heart drop into my stomach. Its so real now. Less than 48 hours until i’m on the plane. It couldn’t come at a better time. I really need to get away from here. Maybe Paris and Venice will reveal something to me that I need to know. Finally, to top the day off on a positive note, i was feeling really sad and sitting on my bed crying when i got a text which made me so happy. Catholic boy texted me and asked me what church i went to because he wants to go so now we’re going to church together tomorrow. I don’t know if this means anything or not. I have made it perfectly clear to him that I have been smitten with him since I met him in October and he hasn’t really done much but there had to be a reason he texted me that instead of just googling catholic churches in the area. Regardless of whether it means anything to him or not, it gave me the confidence to get up and go to church tomorrow like i need to. I didnt think i was going to go because i didnt think i would be able to get out of bed tomorrow morning because i was so sad and it aches in my chest but now i have a reason to put on a little makeup and go thank god and whether it means anything to him or not, spending time with him is fun and it makes me feel better. And maybe it will end up meaning something to him. I am also going to offer to make him breakfast afterwards. Men love when women cook and then we can spend more time together. I am 110% sure i’m overthinking this but I can’t help but feel like that must have been a sign or a lesson. I was so sad about the artist, and still am, but randomly, out of the blue, catholic boy texts me and wants to go to church, unlike the artist, and gives me the confidence to get up and go to church like i need to and even if its nothing and its not a sign, then at least it’ll be fun and a new experience.