// It’s Vi I miss the most from dipping out of tumblr, and sometimes I have such a muse for her, and really don’t have much of an outlet for it. But that being said, I look at the amount of people I follow and the amount of people that follow me, and see all of us that haven’t used it in years and just get discouraged to even try again. I like and sometimes even want to rp, but I always start things just for them to die off anyway.
TL;DR: I’m going crazy, and just needed to put my thoughts on paper.
PS: If you aimlessly flame in norms in League of Legends, delete the game.
// Honestly, I’m just trying to get better at things, and have a little fun in my free time. I’m tired, and have quite frankly been really depressed recently. Every other game someone’s flaming something over something fucking stupid, and half the time it’s me -- no matter how good or bad I’m doing. You don’t need to tell me I did poor -- I already know. People like that, I really wonder if it makes them feel any better about themselves. I hope it does so maybe SOMETHING productive can happen with it at the very least if it has to happen at all. People like that are the reason so many of my friends quit the game, and I don’t want to think like that. I love this game with all my heart; I’ve gained many friends playing it and it’s something we can share. But like... IT’S JUST A FUCKING GAME. Like holy shit. I’ve been called so many names over the years I’ve lost count and been screamed at... hell, how many times have I been told or seen someone who got told things like ‘Kill yourself.’ -- You should NEVER say something like that. To anyone. You don’t know them. You don’t know what they’re going through... and you certainly don’t know where they’re at mentally. You could just say that to the wrong person.
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That rant aside, I’m just gonna put my thoughts into words. I’ve been so stressed out of my mind for WEEKS. I had to file taxes pretty last minute, and I hadn’t had a haircut in almost a year and a half. These are the little things that were just icing on the cake. That being said:
I just got laid off with work, and nothing available around here would remotely pay my bills (here’s to hoping unemployment pulls through for me. My boyfriend did manage to get a job, but it’s honestly not gonna cover even his half of the bills unless he gets a quick pay raise. Everyone has been pressing me about getting a job too. Sending me stuff at all weird hours, shoving down my throat things I’ve already told them I’m not interested in. Just -- Generally making me feel like I’m completely just a useless waste of space because I no longer have a job... and yeah, that’s really helpful to me getting one.
My last job was as a customer service rep. I took calls assisting with account support and tech support.... So what I really mean is for the past 3 years, I’ve worked 40 hours a week to get fucking screamed at. I’ve been told 8 hours a day for 7 days a week that everything is my fault. I think my favorite quote I heard from a customer was this:
“I bet you feel so proud of yourself. You just love taking money from little boys.”
I have two points that I would like to make to this person who said this to me, but they would never believe me.
1. I absolutely do not. I do not like what I have to say to you. I am required to do things how I am presenting them to you because I have to have income.
2. If you can’t afford $15.00... you probably shouldn’t have a Netflix account.
Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. Every other call towards the end of my time there was exactly like that. I would be almost in tears if not outright nearly having a panic attack several times in a work night. When I sleep, I’m not resting.
For another thing... my grandmother has been in the hospital since Wednesday of last week. So it’s almost a week now. She had open heart surgery that day, and I don’t think she’s been conscious since. They’ve had her on oxygen, and at this point she has pneumonia and is possibly getting a Tracheotomy tomorrow from the sound of things.... It’s not inherently looking worse, but honestly, it feels like there’s been virtually no improvement. She’s the last direct grandparent I have at this point, and it scares me. It scares me so much, and I just don’t know what’s happening.
I need to get out of this mindset... but I don’t get a lot of time to myself right now. There’s always someone to please, and it’s never myself. Where do you go when you’ve been at your wit’s end for several weeks... always saying “Just a few more days and then I can rest.” How do you tell family to get off your backs before you lose your goddamn mind? Especially when they don’t believe there could ever be anything wrong with you because “you handle things differently.” Isn’t... that... the point... of a mental illness???
I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole life. That much I know for sure... but at this point, I’m not sure that’s all it is. I know my anxiety is bad but... every day I lie in bed not wanting to get up. Like taking a shower is such a chore. I stare at the ceiling, stuck in my own head because anything I could start just doesn’t sound like fun anymore. It always feels like a lot of people are just out to make fun of me. I lay in bed unable to sleep because all I want to do is cry... and looking back on my life, this isn’t the first time I’ve been like this. It just hit me like a ton of bricks this time around.
I also have the attention span of a squirrel sometimes. I was told by my teachers back in elementary that they thought I had ADHD because I would act out and practically couldn’t focus on the lesson. My parents told them that I was just bored because I would finish the work early. Now I wonder as an adult if there was any merit to this, or if they were right. Someone can get my attention, say something directly to me, and I just won’t hear it. Like my brain hears sound, but it doesn’t process it sometimes. If more than one person is talking, or more than like 1-2 different things are playing (games, shows, etc.) the conflicting sounds legitimately make me crazy. It just sounds like jumbled static and my brain tries to pick apart what’s different and focus on anything, but I can’t. It gives me a headache. It makes my whole body feel like the static I hear, and I want to throw up when it happens. It basically feels like what I’d imagine could be called sensory overload at that point.
To be honest, I haven’t spoke with a professional about these things, and maybe one day I will. I’ve mostly been functional enough that I don’t really feel like I need to. I just need a day or two to breathe. I just want the world to slow down for 5 goddamn minutes.
If you’ve read this far, just know that I’ll be okay. I just needed to put it somewhere and my IRL friends and family follow a lot of my other media. -- And honestly, some of my interactions here are some of the happiest things I have to cling to recently. You all are amazing.
// Weird little head cannon: Vi signs her paperwork to match her tattoo.
For one thing, it’s easier. She’s also left handed with not the most proper education background so it may run together. -- But for two, she doesn’t really know her real name and so it comes from the tattoo.
// When you have several people message you saying, so Vi’s on the client now (and the front of everything), when are they going to put her in anything?
// Just got some pretty bad news so I might be kinda absent for a bit, or just maintaining a few threads where I can for it to help distract me. I just finished queuing all of my threads just beforehand so they’re on their way for now....
