Yang Jungwon × Kim Sunoo
tags: bittersweet ending, open ending, what could have been, regrets, missed chances, multo by cup of joe, friends to almost lovers
notes: i forgot i had a tumblr account, i'll be posting the rest here too oopsies
summary: multo means ghost, the song talks about being haunted by missed opportunities and chances. it can be in a form of a person or a situation.in which yang jungwon is haunted by his multo — kim sunoo. after all, jungwon was also a coward.
pasindi na ng ilaw (you touch still lingers in the dark.)
ENHYPEN MSTRLIST
dahil sa bawat tingin,
mukha mo'y nakikita
(because in every look,
i see your face)
When did it all change?
No one had even noticed the subtle change. Not their fans, not their hyungs, not their maknae.
But it was there.
Jungwon had used to cling to Sunoo like a madman— not in the way Sunghoon lets the latter's name out of his mouth like a broken radio, not in the way Riki had always needed to sleep and touch Sunoo within 10 minutes of interval, not in the way Sunoo lets only Jake touch and hug him so close, not in the way Jay always feels the need to take care of him, not in the way Heeseung stares and talks to him with that softer, gentler and caring tones.
Jungwon wasn't like them at all. He clung to his hyung like nobody could take him away.
Jungwon would tell Sunoo to tell his other friends that he can't take their call because he was on one with him. Jungwon would take Sunoo's hand when he acts cute for their fans on live with him. Jungwon would intercept another person's hand reaching for Sunoo on a variety show. Jungwon would place his hand on Sunoo's lap under the table. Jungwon would rest his arm on the backrest of Sunoo's chair.
He clung with a possessive streak.
And his fox-eyed hyung would let him. Kim Sunoo has rarely denied his dongsaeng anything, that's why their maknaez have always been too comfortable around their soft hyung.
But Jungwon wasn't like Riki. Riki used to cling and hang around Sunoo a lot, like a baby chick who couldn't be without his mother. But then he turned to a coward who thought about everyone's thoughts except his own. Riki had let other people dictate his relationship with their hyung.
kahit sa'n man mapunta ay
animo mo'y kumakapit
sa'king kamay
(everywhere i go, your
shadow holds my hand)
Not that it started and ended with him though, the first one to flee was their eldest hyung, then came Riki. Jungwon swore he wasn't like them.
Until he was.
Ah, Yang Jungwon, you are just like them after all.
A coward.
Sunoo thinks maybe this is his turning point. Maybe it's really time to stop falling for people in this industry, all of them will end up the same.
And Kim Sunoo isn't for cowards. Kim Sunoo isn't for the weak.
Sunoo may had grown up soft and gentle, but he grew up knowing his worth. It's one of the perks of having a sassy older sister.
Don't be mistaken though, Sunoo isn't angry at Jungwon, not really, no. How could he ever be mad at his precious Wonnie?
Sunoo is not mad, just disappointed.
But alas, he also faults himself for expecting too much. He should have known there was no saving feelings built on this industry. They were too far gone to come back or even regret this, and so Sunoo chooses to just accept it.
ako ay dahan-dahang
nililibing ng buhay pa
(i'm slowly getting buried alive)
Jungwon thinks his hyung is good at acting. Too good, actually. (Or maybe he just doesn't want to consider the fact that Sunoo doesn't care anymore.)
"Wait, seriously, how does he look exactly like the cat though? Daebak, that's unbelievable." Sunoo exclaims with a hand hovering over his mouth, expressing his usual dramatic reactions. His other hand had a finger pointing to the projector showing a comparison of a cat and Jungwon's face, eyes meeting the leader's with nothing but pure laughter following their topic.
Jungwon laughed with them, a hand under and behind his thigh, clenched. It wasn't usually that he loses his cool like this. He's always considered himself someone calm and collected when hard times come, much like how everyone else thought of him. Jungwon rarely acted like a normal person when faced with sad or angering situations, he preferred to be logical. The only circumstances that he'd act out of emotional consciousness was when something happened that he knew he couldn't control and change, or when he was at fault. And Yang Jungwon is Yang Jungwon, and he rarely ever makes mistakes.
It's just unfortunate that this situation is one of them.
Jungwon knows whatever he's feeling right now is out of guilt. Guilt of letting his feelings get out of hand, guilt of knowing his hyung knows what exactly is happening, guilt of starting something then suddenly pulling away, guilt of being irresponsible, guilt of hurting his hyung, guilt of hurting himself, guilt of knowing he's being a coward,
and the guilt of not knowing what to do.
One of the reasons the members chose him as a leader is because they know he'd never falter upon a problem. That he'd always know and always come up with something to solve it. But the thing is,
how could he ever tell them he didn't know how to fix this?
How could he ever tell them this was one of the few things he cannot fix?
How could he ever tell them he ruined a good relationship with Sunoo hyung?
How could he ever tell them that Sunoo hyung wouldn't even let their friendship be ruined?
He's trying, Sunoo is trying to save what they still haven't completely ruined by pretending nothing is happening. And Jungwon hates himself because somehow, it angers him more than it comforts him.
It angers him that Sunoo is so kind that he wouldn't even think about questioning Jungwon. Never asked questions, never asked for answers, never approached with the topic, never crossed boundaries.
Like a hyung taking responsibility for the mess his dongsaeng made.
Jungwon feels sick.
hindi na makalaya
(i can't be free)
"Jungwon, gwenchana? Ah, hyung, I think you splashed too much water on his face, it got into his eyes!" Sunoo laughs lively, slapping Sunghoon's arm lightly.
Jungwon blinks and notices on the water's reflection on the bowl under his face, his eyes are red.
Oh, right, they were filming a game show.
"Jay hyung, I think Jungwon needs to get a towel." Sunoo laughs again and turns to play next with Sunghoon as his opponent.
"We'll get some for all of us." He barely register's his Jay hyung's voice until he was dragged to off the set to get the towels.
Jay signals to Manager Yuki that he'll handle it and sighs before Jungwon. "Pull yourself together, man. I don't know what's with you today, but I promise the show's almost over, you know you can tell me anything, right?"
Jungwon gulps and massages his scalp lightly, going back to reality. "I know, hyung. I'm sorry, something's just... gotten in me today. I'll pull it through, I'll be fine."
Jay's eyes soften a little more. "You don't have to be fine, you just need to hold on a little more until this ends. Sunoo already gave us an opening to wake you up a little, let's go and make it end faster." He pats Jungwon's back and heads back to the set holding drinking water, leaving the towels to Jungwon.
He runs a hand through his hair and exhales, casually putting on a smile, showing his dimples, showing nothing is wrong, and goes back to the set holding the towels like nothing is wrong.
He made a mess, he'll deal with it later.
That night, Jungwon knocks on his hyung's door.
Sunoo opens the door and looks at him with the same, kind and fond eyes, and it makes Jungwon's heart twist even more.
But something has changed, barely noticeable. So small that Jungwon is sure he's the only one who can see it. Feel it.
dinadalaw mo'ko bawat gabi
(you visit me every night)
"Jungwonie, what are you doing here? Come in." With a laugh and a gentle smile, Sunoo lets him in the former's dim room, the only bright light coming from his monitor, a game still running.
Same old nickname. It's still like nothing has changed, like nothing happened. Same nicknames, same smiles, same eyes, same treatment,
different feeling.
And it makes Jungwon shiver. How can someone feel the same and different at the same time? So right but so wrong.
Sunoo goes to his desk to fix little trinkets that have fallen down. "It's a little messy, but I don't you'd mind." He laughs again.
Once upon a time, Kim Sunoo's laugh used to make Jungwon's heart full, and back to the present, all it does is make him uneasy.
Ever since the day everything changed, every little thing normal to them became a ghost to Jungwon. Every nickname, smile, laugh, glance make him tremble internally. He knew what it was.
Recognition. Of what he had done to them.
He didn't know when he'd decided to change them, somehow, it just did. And now, the calm leader has fallen. It's the cost of someone like him, who braves everything like he's indestructible, who likes putting up a strong face, who cautiously structures everything so that no mistakes are made. It's funny how someone so planned and calm is toppled over by one, single mistake.
It didn't cost the world no, god, Jungwon isn't some kind of superhero. It never even affected the world, it would never.
But it costed his world.
wala mang nakikita,
haplos mo'y ramdam parin
sa dilim
(even if i can't see anything,
your caress can still be felt in the dark)
"Why?"
Sunoo blinks up from arranging his things. "Huh? Why what?" Sunoo stares at him like he doesn't have a clue at all.
It irks Jungwon even more, because maybe he wasn't pretending, maybe this what Sunoo intends to do. This is what he wants to do, to keep them intact.
"Why are you pretending like—" He cuts himself off as his chest heaves, barely. Unnoticeable by non-enhypen members, a result of years of facade practice.
Sunoo frowns. "Jungwonie—"
"Jungwon."
Sunoo sighs. "Jungwon, what is it?"
He does nothing but stare at his hyung, standing there like a statue.
"Yang Jungwon, you've been like this since the set, I'm running out of patience." Sunoo rarely looses patience, he's lived years with annoying members for goodness' sake, but Jungwon had been acting out of line since their shoot. He'd space out, get lost, stumble, there was clearly something wrong with him.
Ofcourse Sunoo knows what it is.
If it isn't the thing he was avoiding to talk about, he would've pestered their leader about it hours ago. But Sunoo thinks it's Jungwon who must decide what to do for his own peace of mind.
Sunoo already knows how this is going to end anyway.
Jungwon looks down and clenches his fist, gathering up the courage. "Hyung, why are you pretending like nothing is wrong?" He finally croaks out.
Despite everything, Sunoo smiles. If there's something about Jungwon that's different from the others, it's not being afraid to face the consequences of his actions and decisions.
Jungwon might be a coward when it comes to him, but Jungwon will always be someone responsible through and through.
Sunoo hums and continues arranging his things. "Why do you ask a question you already know the answer to?"
hindi na na-nanaginip
(not dreaming anymore)
The younger clenches his fist. "Because I want to hear it from you."
"For what?"
"For my own peace of mind."
"You mean to ease your own guilt?"
Jungwon's jaw clenched, he hadn't expected that kind of bluntness from his hyung, but he guessed this is what happens when you push gentle people to their limits.
Sunoo blinked and turned to him with a smile, "I'm sorry, that was a bit too forward."
"Hyung, you already know everything." Jungwon says instead, not a question, just a quiet realization.
Sunoo sighs. "Alright then, I don't think just me would work, let's run back to being forward then." He stops what he's doing and sits on his gaming chair, legs crossed, staring pointedly at the younger boy infront if him.
"Jungwon, you're wondering why I'm not mad, why I'm not confronting you, why I'm not acting different, why I'm not avoiding you, but we both know you already know the answer." Jungwon stays quiet, choosing to hear his stupidity from his hyung's mouth. "Damage Control, right? Please, it's the whole reason you ended whatever it was. To take responsibility, to be responsible, to be rational, to be practical, to be logical, to be the leader. Jungwon-ah, I'm giving you exactly what you wanted, what you need. You used to tell me you needed me to be yourself, but in reality, it's not me you need, it's self-assurance."
The younger flinches like he'd been slapped.
"Assurance that you'll always be your kind, responsible, logical, rational, accurate, never-changing self. Jungwon, you said it yourself that you don't want to change, and in exchange, no matter what happens, Jungwon, you will never change. You will never stop being someone who acts so selflessly good, saving other people from getting ruined, preaching kindness in everyone, being so empathetic, staying strong for the people around you, acting the oh-so responsible and reliable leader who doesn't care about himself as long as the others are okay." Sunoo almost runs out of breath and inhales.
Pocketz have almost always matched with everything, Jungwon thinks the tears in their eyes are the most painful ones yet.
"Yet you failed to realize you protected everyone but me. You failed to protect us. In the end, you're just like them. Yang Jungwon, you're a coward."
hindi na ma-makagising
(can't wake up)
A tear finally fell out of Jungwon's eye. He watched it hit the floor, head still down, his sight blurring. He felt like a piece of the puzzle of his guilt was finally locked in place. And his heart shattered all the same.
"I only ever wanted a place in your heart. I was content with never saying what we were, because deep down, I knew we could never do it, I know that you could never do it." A sad smile plastered itself on Sunoo's face. "Jungwon, I was willing to take anything you gave me, as long as you let me stay in your heart, whatever it took to keep the real us intact, but I guess in the end, we are still too different." He sighed and sat down on his swivel chair, fiddling with a mini figurine. "I admit, the first night when I felt you slip away, I started questioning if I was the problem. If I was the wrong one all along. You and the others all made the same decisions after all. But then I remembered I wasn't raised to doubt myself."
Every word said pushed a knife in Jungwon's heart, yet he stood there and took it, because it was the least he can do. And perhaps his hyung was right, he could never stop being the responsible person he wants to be, the proof of wanting accountability even in this situation proves it.
"Don't get me wrong, at some point I did resent all of you, in some way I still do, but how can I truly hate someone without loving them so much? And maybe I'm in this situation every time, because in every time, I loved too much, and got too little back." Sunoo eyed his leader when he flinched. "Sorry, hit too hard?" He chuckles. "I suppose that's just my truth. Despite what you all think of me, I'm not that clueless, you all think the same stupid shit of me deserving someone better, but you don't get it, do you? I never wanted someone else, I wanted you to be better, because I only wanted you."
Jungwon's knees buckled, he sits on the bed, letting his tears fall quietly with his hand on his forehead. "God...." He whispers, voice hoarse.
"Jungwon-ah, for the longest time, I just wanted someone to want me enough to be better. I just wanted someone who loved me enough to fight for me. Don't get me wrong, what I'm about to say isn't about self-pity or angst-inducing feelings."
"But the reality is, I guess I'm just not worth it enough for you guys."
pasindi na ng ilaw
(please turn on the lights)
Jungwon chokes out a sob, his body involuntarily moves and hugs Sunoo from behind in his chair.
"Nononono— Sunoo-hyung, that's not it. It's not like that at all, listen to me." Jungwon spins the chair around so that his hyung faces him and cups both his cheeks with shaking hands. And it hurts him more to see red eyes accompanying the sad smile on his face. "Listen to me, Sunoo, you're worth it. You're always worth it. You're always enough, hm? Never— those thoughts, keep them out, hm?" Like a desperate fool, Jungwon almost begs him. And his whole being shatters more when he recognizes something in the older's eyes.
Acceptance.
Jungwon sobs harder and kisses his hyung's forehead. A long, sweet, apologetic kiss.
"I'm sorry, hyung, it's all my fault. It's my fault. You said I'll never change, right? So I'll take responsibility for this one too. Blame it on me, resent me all you want, hyung. I won't complain, I won't hate you back, I would never even bring it up again if you want me to. J-just please, don't ever ask me to stop loving you." Jungwon begs again, and he will beg over and over again if it meant loving Sunoo forever.
And Sunoo's tears finally fell.
minumulto na'ko ng
damdamin ko
(my feelings are haunting me)
Loving Yang Jungwon isn't for the weak. Loving Yang Jungwon meant enduring everything, including seeing the younger's tears. Loving him is a rollercoaster of emotions, one moment you're happy, the other everything slips away, and another seeing him breaking down like this.
But Sunoo refuses to break again. He won't. He respects himself too much. Just as there are things other people cannot sacrifice for him, this is the one thing Sunoo cannot sacrifice for anyone. Because it is the only thing he has left.
Sunoo removes his dongsaeng's hands from his cheeks and cups his right cheek back, caressing his soft, tear-stained skin. "Jungwon-ah, you need to understand this. I'm not saying you think I'm not enough because you think I'm not enough, I'm saying it's not worth it to risk for me because even if you don't, you know you'll still have me, because we are ENHYPEN. You don't think I'm not enough, you just think the consequences will be enough."
Despite being talked through to understand it, Jungwon feels the glasses of his shattered heart stab his soul.
"But Jungwon, I think I'm meant to be loved much more than that."
hindi mo ba ako lilisanin?
(will you not leave me?)
The pain in the younger's eyes almost breaks Sunoo's heart again. "Hyung, are you questioning my love for you?" He croaks out.
Sunoo smiles sadly again. "Have you given me a reason not to?"
And Jungwon swallows and closes his eyes, letting his head fall on Sunoo's lap, his hands resting on his hyung's thigh.
"I understand, Jungwon. I really do, that's why I'm willing to put everything behind. Ofcourse I'm upset, I think I always be, but I can try pushing past it for the sake of what you think is right. You've always had good intentions, you're willing to protect everyone by putting your everything on the line, even it meant us, even if it meant me, and in some way, I respect that, because it's one of the parts that I love about you, because it's a part of you. I just wish things could have been different." Sunoo cups both his cheeks and tilts his face up to make eye contact. "So I'm willing to leave everything behind to bet on what you think is for the best, so make it count, Leader-nim."
He rests his forehead against Jungwon and closes his eyes for a moment, savoring their last chance. "I love you too, Jungwon." And for the first time, he kisses him.
A shame it also had to be the last.
hindi paba sapat pagpapahirap sa'kin?
(is making me suffer not enough?)
Jungwon tastes his own tears through the kiss. And he cries in his hyung's arms for the rest of the night.
"Hyung, I don't think I'd ever love the same way again."
hindi naba mama-mamayapa?
(will i not be in peace?)
hindi naba mama-mamayapa?
(will i not be in peace?)
And now Jungwon watches with his members as his Sunoo-hyung and Sunghoon-hyung appear romantically comedic infront of the whole world.
It used to hurt a lot more, until he saw it over and over again that he finally felt what his hyung felt before.
Acceptance.
hindi na makalaya
(i can't be free)
He smiles because he's supposed to, he laughs because that's what he needs to do. Jungwon's story with Sunoo is the only one that's not dissected or even detected by anyone, he won't give anyone a reason to. Because it's the least he can do. Because that's what he's supposed to do.
Because it's the whole damn reason he made the decision of giving up on his heart.
Because Sunoo-hyung told him to at least make it count.
It hurts, it still hurts, but Jungwon knows the consequences of decisions. He's always mapped out the results of his actions, for the group, for his members, for his family.
So there nothing he can do but show his affections and mask it as a loving dongsaeng's care.
No one will ever know, they don't need to.
It doesn't matter, because he will never forget what was real anyway.
dinadalaw mo'ko bawat gabi
(you visit me every night)
"Our very own Bonnie and Clyde." Jungwon fuels on the jokes.
Yang Jungwon rarely regrets, but he wishes he could have done things differently. He knows he could have done things differently, but apparently, his hyung was too right after all.
Jungwon was indeed a coward.
Now that he'd older, he wishes he had done something for what they had. He wishes he could have known better, done better, planned better, been braver.
And because he will never change, his accountability comes in a form of showing his love without expecting anything in return.
As a leader, Jungwon regrets nothing.
As a lover, Jungwon will forever mourn the chances he didn't take.
wala mang nakikita,
haplos mo'y ramdam
parin sa dilim
(even if i can't feel anything,
your touch can still be felt
in the dark)