projecting onto my favorite characters core. might be out of character since really its all me but idc
rant below idk its 12am
theres probably something to be said when i relate to ivan a little too much and i see my partner heavily in andrew. ofc without the abuse shit but my pathology is just a lot like ivan. also partner has never played bad things and only knows abt it bc of me but whatever. playing the entire game i was so annoyed because its literally just a mouthwashing clone also my wifi cut out right as i got to the end so i had to redo that fuckass scene all over again which pissed me off. but the dialogue was really relatable. it was grating on me but when i got to the end everything clicked. the moment i realized ivan's motivation was to make a legacy was when i realized. Wow. hes so real. i also both love and hate my partner and my life and everything too! speaking of i've been in a funk for the past week recently because i just can't figure out how my partner still chooses to stay with me despite how shitty i am. kind of like andrew. i guess the reason why she does so is because she wants to be worse too (cant blame her). it's kind of like we both enable each other idk. i wouldnt have it any other way. anyways back on topic i get mad when other people are like "ivan is so me!" "ivan has bpd so hes me!" nooooo he is nooootttt you dont understand. You dont understand anything actually fuck you. maybe he has bpd IDK and its not my jurisdiction to diagnose him. but he definitely has underlying narcissism. He also pissed me off a lot lowkey andrew is real af for that. i was getting really pissed off at what ivan was doing but i understood and related to it. but like i said before i related the most when he revealed all he wanted to do was make a legacy. cuz, like, legacy is everything to me. what am i if im not unique? what am i if i dont leave behind a legacy? i want my name to be remembered for anything. i stir up drama so people keep talking about me behind my back. i dont care if its negative as long as i dont hear it in front of my face. i just want to be Known. I have this Insatiable, Intrinsic need to Be Known. and that is why folks ivan is so deeply relatable to me. i want to make a legacy just like how he wanted to make a legacy with his writing. of course really all i am deep down is some insecure loser but like. Whatever. Whateverrrrrrr
about the first doodle i had the idea yesterday morning because one of the many awesome things about me is the fact that i don't love normally. i dont love my partner in the way normal people do. shes fascinating to me, so i stick around her. id say im even dependent on her. she is just so fascinating and strange to me, how she stays empathetic and kind despite all my grievances. i find it so fascinating how she yearns to be as bad as me despite living in an okay (neglectful) home with a loving family. i find it so fascinating how she's a kleptomaniac. i find it fascinating how she's so naive and dumb and stupid and a perverted freak. despite everything. she glazes me all the time and i usually do not care when its from someone inferior to me but sometimes its what keeps me going. i dont know why i still stay with her but idk. theres just something odd and unique about her i want to take. oh yeah, i also love taking. i take and i take and i frankly cannot give a shit. i ask her for money all the time and she doesnt ask why and just gives it to me. its amazing. i take her away from her friends and she doesnt care because all she wants is me. its Fucking Awesome
woah. just wrote an entire paragraph about her. Cool. Im going to bed now