Imagine reuniting with your family, The Reagans and your boyfriend, Sonny after being undercover (LOST AND FOUND PART THREE)
MATERLIST WITH ALL THE PARTS: HERE
Imagine reuniting with your family, The Reagans and your boyfriend, Sonny after being undercover (LOST AND FOUND PART THREE)
Eleven Months Ago
“Sonny…” You gasped, somehow your footing seemed to go in the shock and surprise of it all and you desperately clutched the bedpost as you continued to look down at the love your life on one knee in front of you.
“Y/N,” He grinned up at you, not breaking eye contact with you.
“Really?” You managed to get out, sniffling, as tears streamed down your face.
“Really,” He promised.
“Are you sure?” You continued.
“Yes,” He chuckled. “But I’m leaving and…”
“Not right now,” He interrupted, “Right now, it’s just us and I don’t want to spend another minute not engaged to you,”
“I love you,” You whispered.
“I love you too,” He replied, before teasingly adding, “I’d love you even more if you answered my question though,”
“Yes, yes, yes,” You spluttered in remembrance, shaking as he slipped the ring on your finger before, standing up and beaming at you.
You stared at each for a second before you grabbed him by the face and pulled him towards you, Sonny grabbed your face, wiping your tears away with his thumbs. You kissed him harder than you ever have before, before resting your forehead against his.
“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me,” You muttered, as you wrapped your arms around each other as you continued to stand in the middle of your bedroom surrounded by the tornado of a mess you had created.
“I’m the lucky one…”He started to insist after stealing another a kiss.
“No,” You interrupted, your tone serious as you looked into his blue eyes, “I am. I love you so much that it hurts but it’s the easiest thing in the world. I know I’ll never love anyone as much as I love you and I know I can’t love you any more than I do right this second but I also know that tomorrow I will,”
One Day Ago
“Dad?" Frank Reagan looked up and across the table to meet the eyes of his waiting daughter.
He raised his eyebrows in response as he had been too distracted by his thoughts to pay attention to the weekly argument erupting between his two elder children. The table chatter had died down at his lack of response and suddenly everyone was staring at him.
"Do you have anything to add?" Erin continued, hoping to prompt him, her gaze remaining concentrated on her unusually quiet Father.
"To what?” Frank said quickly without thinking before flashing a reassuring smile at his grandchildren.
He hadn’t meant to worry them.
"You see that Erin he doesn't even need to listen to know your wrong," Danny quipped, in an attempt to distract everyone from his Dad.
It had been happening more frequently ever since the last update on Y/N. Danny had noticed that it was becoming harder for everyone but especially his Dad to distract himself from worrying about Y/N. Luckily, for Danny, his ruse worked and Erin quickly snapped back at him, forgetting all about their Dad’s unusual lack of concentration. Erin and Danny quickly became engulfed in an argument once again much to most of the rest of the table's enjoyment. Jamie's attention though stayed on his distracted father.
"You okay, Dad?" Jamie asked, concern evident in his tone. He gave a stern nod in an attempt to appease him but Frank couldn't help but glance over at the empty seat between Jamie and Sonny.
Y/N's seat.
The seat he insisted on being set for her ever since she had left. Because back then he never knew when she would walk through the door again. Frank knew now though and he knew it would be a while before Y/N would be able to come home from the hospital. If only he could give the rest of them the same type of clarity, reassurance.
Hope.
But he knew better than most that as a parent especially sometimes you have to make difficult decisions. And right now honoring, Y/N’s decision was his priority until he could convince her how much of a bad idea it was that is. Jamie had been meaning to ask. It had been weeks since the last update and it was always uncomfortable whenever he tried to bring it up. Nobody wanted to think about the connotations of having someone you love being declared missing in action. But he knew they had to prepare themselves for the worst as the days wore on the chance of her coming back her home were getting smaller and smaller. It seemed though he was the only one concerned about everyone’s lack of acceptance that she might not come back home.
“Have you had any updates about Y/N, Dad?” Jamie asked, tentatively, his words silencing the table.
Frank took in a sharp intake of breath before shaking his head. At that moment, Sonny walked backed into the dining room carrying dessert, a beaming smile on his face as he presented to the table before quickly noticing the somber mood and frowning as he sat down in his seat.
“What’s going on?” He asked.
“Jamie was asking about Y/N,” Danny stated flatly.
Sonny quickly snapped in the commissioner’s direction. The hopefulness and desperation in his eyes boringly apparent to the Commissioner. Frank liked Sonny a lot, he was exactly the sort of person he always hoped and imagined Y/N being with. He was good for her and even better adored her more than life itself. It’s what she deserved, someone who put her first.
“I haven’t heard anything,” Frank lied, before truthfully confessing, “I’m sorry I wasn’t listening…I’ve been distracted lately,”
“Is something going on at work?” Erin suggested, helping to maneuver the conversation to anything else other than her missing sister.
Erin didn’t like to think about her. She was just hoping and waiting for her to come home. She was unsure how long she could keep it up but for now, that was her plan.
“No no, nothing but the usual,” Frank dismissed.
A beat of silence waved over the table.
“Her birthday is next week,” Henry added from the other end of the table, “First time she won’t be here for her birthday,”
Frank swallowed hard.
“Can we stop talking about YN like she’s dead?” Danny suggested, “There is no point in worrying about something we can’t control or know anything about,”
“She’s MIA, Danny,” Jamie reminded, frustrated.
“Exactly,” Danny statted, “Last time I checked Harvard MIA means missing not dead,”
“I know that Danny,” Jamie began, “But statistically speaking...”
“I don’t care about your fucking statistics!” Danny fired back.
“We can’t keep on avoiding the subject Danny, we need to talk about how she might be…” Jamie persisted.
“Might be what?” Danny demanded, throwing his chair back and standing up and glaring down at his younger brother.
“Dead,” Jamie shot back without thinking, standing up himself “She might be gone and we need to…”
“That’s enough,” Frank intervened, before sternly disciplining “Both of you take a walk, cool off and when you are prepared to apologize to each other you rejoin,”
They both stalked off in separate directions, slamming doors behind them. Frank took in another breath before returning silently to his meal as did everyone else.
“Sonny, why don’t you hand out dessert?” Frank suggested after a beat.
“Smells delicious,” Linda added, easing the tension.
“Thanks, it’s my Nonna’s recipe,” Sonny informed with a full smile but a distracted and flat tone.
He quickly served out the dish before offering to take the dirty dishes away as if he was trying to do anything to escape back to the kitchen.
“He’s starting to crack,” Henry commented, as soon as Sonny was out of earshot.
“Can you blame him?” Frank questioned, nodding his head in agreement, “We all are,”
PRESENT DAY
Frank decided it would be best not to probe his daughter further on the matter, as while her tone was confident her eyes failed her sentiment. He couldn’t figure them out, her eyes were lost..broken. Frank was fond of Sonny especially for Y/N so the suggestion that they weren’t together or least she believed they weren’t made him curious because if that were true he would have been able to tell. Frank liked to think that he knew Sonny quite well. Well enough to know that he would not have been able to hide if he had split up with Y/N. Frank could see how ridiculously in love he was with his daughter and that hadn’t changed over the past ten months if anything he loved her more.
But that wasn’t important right now. Even if he didn’t agree with her request to not inform Sonny of her return he decided to respect it until he could talk to her properly about it. Right now he needed to inform the rest of their family that Y/N was back and that thankfully she had come back alive...even if it was only a thread.
He excused himself, stepping outside the room to decide which of his other children he would inform first. Though while a serious decision, for him it wasn’t a hard one to make.
Erin was his first call.
It was without a doubt that you and Erin shared a unique relationship. Sure you were the only pair of sisters in the family but there was so much more to it than that. If an outsider were to observe you and your three of your siblings, it would be fair to assume that you two were the least close or as many people have commented that the only thing you shared was your face. Which was true to an extent, you and Erin were almost identical with a few differences separating you. You were both tall, tan, slender, resembling your Mother in facial structure but Erin completely resembled your Mother while you had a couple of your Father’s features. His lighter eyes, curly hair and slightly rounder face.
At the core of your relationship was unconditional love, of course, but it was different for each of you. You’d spent your whole life wanting to be like your big sister, she was twelve years older than you and she was always so grown up to you. You spent a lot of time when you were you were younger trying to catch up. To you, she had always been this unstoppable force of intelligence, beauty, and strength. She was a fantastic mother, lawyer and...sister.
Erin’s feelings towards you were much more layered. Erin loved you, sure, but it was only when your Mother died did she realize that she hadn’t always been the best big sister to you. The age gap and the fact that she became a mother herself when you were only ten fuelled it but it didn’t stop her from feeling bad. Erin very much so took up the Mother role when your Mom died as she passed when you were only a teenager while Erin, on the other hand, was nearing thirty.
Which is the reason for your interesting dynamic, you were sisters but you both often found yourself in situations in which she would very much treat you like you were Nicky’s sister and not hers.It caused tension to say the least. A balancing act between her trying to give you the same she had had with your mom but on the other hand, you were also an adult yourself now, an adult who could make her decisions and would usually prefer your older sister not to impart her opinion on how you lived your life. Erin carried the feelings towards you that many mothers carry and feel towards their children. It was very similar to the guilt and feelings of inadequacy she felt towards her actual daughter, Nicky. She constantly feared that she hadn’t done enough for you and that she could not be there for you that caused any problem that you may encounter in life. But those motherly feelings were very much balanced with her admiration for you which were rooted in her position in being your older sister.
She admired your seemingly unflappable confidence, the way you headed into any situation with determination and zeal and selflessness. She knew that you tended to put other first which was why she tried to convince you not to go on the mission in the first place. You would do anything to help people but nothing to help yourself.
Jamie was next.
Perhaps it was the fact that you two were the closest in age but everyone knew that you and Jamie were each other’s best friend. And when Joe was still around you were often dubbed the Three Musketeers, if not the three troublemakers. Despite the age difference between you guys as well it always seemed like it was you and Jamie versus your older siblings. Joe tended to fluctuate between the sides depending on the argument. But that was Joe for you, the favorite, you couldn’t love Joe.
You and Jamie talked about everything when things were bad you were each other go to. When it came to dark times he was the one that the family got to talk to you. He was the first person you told everything too. He was the only one that knew you joined the academy at eighteen. And you were the first to know that he didn’t want to become a lawyer anymore. After Sydney left him, he called you. And you spent the rest of the night eating convenient store cake and cheap beer. At some point, you also started doing karaoke, but the memoirs are sort of blur at this point, in time. And your relationship only strengthened when he was eventually assigned to the same station as you, though you technically outranked him as you were already an SVU decretive and he was just an officer.
He took you leaving the hardest and tried hard to convince you not to go but by the end accepted that this was something you felt like you needed to do. He’d missed you terribly over the past few months and hadn’t been easy wondering basically every day if he was going to lose another sibling…another best friend.
Jamie, just wanted you to be okay, in every way, which is why he liked Sonny for you, he saw from the start how much happier you were when you were with him. You and Jamie needed each other and his only wish was that he would get to see each other again.
And then of course before he called your Grandfather Henry, Linda, and the boys and Nicky.
There was Danny.
You and Danny were the most alike.
You were both impulsive with fiery personalities. Danny was more impulsive though, some say aggressive you say deeply passionate but no one could deny he was an incredible cop, one of the best. But he is an even better brother. You and Danny were close despite the fifteen-year age gap between the two of you. You guys had a special relationship with Danny. He was like your mentor, friend, brother and a second father all rolled into one. You were the baby of the family and he treated you as such.It was just different with Danny though. When you were born Danny was around fifteen years old and was going through a really tough time. He was just lost and like a lot of kids was confused about where his life was going. It was just worst because Danny’s fiery personality meant he was just getting into trouble. And then your Mom went into labor a month early and Danny was the only one there because he had been suspended from school. He drove her to the hospital after only one driving lesson and stayed with her until your Dad got there. He was the first family member besides your parents to hold you. Your Mom told you that be burst into tears at the sight of you, but Danny tends to forget that part when he tells the story.
And after that, he cleaned up his act. Joined the force and the Marines respectively when of age and got together Linda. He says that holding you for the first time made him realize that there was more to life than screwing up. Real fulfillment came from the ones you love. He said that you were so small that day and the world was so big and he just had to do his part to make it better for you. So you shared a special bond. You think that he found it easier to talk to you and tell you things because he knew that you wouldn’t judge him. And you did talk a lot. When he confessed to you about the PTSD and stuff you went to Linda and you Dad to get help for him. He was important to you and you were extremely important to him. But being so similar means that you clashed occasionally. And you most definitely clashed before you left. You didn’t say goodbye to anyone properly before you left but you left on friendly terms with everyone except Danny. The last time you saw Danny all you did was fight over the fact you were leaving. There was no convincing him, he was adamantly against you leaving. And in the moments that you feared you were going to die that was what you thought about. Would your last words to your older brother be: ‘I hate you’?
They all arrived in order except for Danny. Linda, the boys, and your Grandfather who got there way before him. You don’t think anyone was prepared for the sight of you in your current state.
Your medicine was strong and was in full swing as they started to arrive, which was needed considering the amount of pain you were in, you couldn't imagine how bad you would feel without the painkillers. It made it hard to concentrate, to be lucid, to speak but there faces when they saw you for the first time?
That was as clear as day.
“Oh my god,” Erin breathed, her briefcase falling to the ground in shock, as she saw you for the first time.
You didn’t hear her come in but you heard her reaction. You slowly turned to face her as she stood in shock watching you. You smiled and reached out for her as best you could. You didn’t even see her move, she was so fast rushing to your side.You looked up at her and met her gaze for a second. You’d never seen your sister speechless before.
“Erin,” You said simply, breaking the silence.
“Yeah?” She responded, finally looking at you properly, her tone unusually calm and you could immediately tell that she was trying to play it cool.
“Hi,” you greeted simply.
“Hey,” She finally let out as if she had been holding her breath.
“Are you okay?” You asked, reaching up for her face.
“Why are you asking me that?” She whispered, helping your hand up and resting on her cheek so she could lean into it as her eyes filled with tears, “Oh Y/N, I’m sorry…”
“Why are you apologizing?”
“Because I’m crying and I’m trying hard not too because I want to be here for you,” She quietly sobbed clutching your hand that was on her face.
“I missed you,” You comforted
.“I missed you so much,” She smiled sadly, “I wish I could hug you. I want to squeeze some common sense into you. Never do this again,”
“I can’t go anywhere at the minute,” You teased.
Erin finally let out a genuine grin before taking a deep breath and composing herself.“Right then, I’m going to quickly find your doctor and check your insurance and treatment plan, okay?” She informed, “I’m going to handle everything. Don’t you worry,”
You tried to say something to the effect that she didn’t need to do that but she span on her heels and walked out promising to return as soon as possible. There was no point stopping her, in fact, you were almost grateful that despite the time that had passed, things between you stayed the same. You were never alone as long as Erin was around.
The grogginess meant that you don’t know how much time passed before Jamie finally trust through the door.
If you were being honest you had heard him coming, the running in his heavy boots towards your hospital room created quite a racket. Like Erin, he was shocked to see you so incapacitated, injured, broken but he recovered much quicker.
He was shaking as he slowly approached your bedside, a sharp contrast to how fast he rushed down here. From his heavy breathing, you couldn't tell if he was nervous or if he was just simply out of breath.
“I’m so glad you’re alive,” He finally said, still panting.
“Just barely,” You joked before adding, “Me too,”
“I thought you were dead,” He confessed, he was composed as ever physically but his eyes were wavering.
“I would have too if I was in your position,” You agreed, “I’m sorry, Jamie. You were right.”
“That doesn’t matter because you aren’t...dead,” He dismissed quickly, still breathing heavily, “You’re still here. You’re still here. I was so worried that I…”
“What?”
“That I’d lose you too,” He let out, a stray tear falling from the corner of his eyes and rolling down his cheek which he wiped away harshly.
“Oh, Jamie,” You sighed, pulling him for a hug despite the pain the pressure caused.“I couldn't lose you too,” He cried into the nook of your neck.
“I’m here J,” You soothed, “I’m right here. I’m so so sorry,”
You stayed like that for a while. Talking quietly to each other, everyone giving you space.
Finally, Linda, your Grandfather, Nicky, and the boys all arrived. Everyone was so hesitant around you, at first they didn’t believe that you were actually here and as soon as they accepted it they were overwhelmed by your state. You’d never seen your Grandfather cry but he made you tear up when he cried out of pure joy after seeing you again. Hours passed and you slipped in and out of consciousness but every time you woke up, they were all there waiting for you. It was an amazing feeling though you couldn’t ignore the glaring absence of your oldest brother…Danny.
Many hours later the door swung open and tensed expecting Danny to be standing in the doorway.
But it wasn’t Danny.
No.
It was the person your heart was aching to see, that every fibre of your being was aching to see but your brain was telling you not see. Not to see, not to talk to, not to do anything with.
Because you thought it would hurt him too much after you’d done. It hurt you but even worse that it had hurt him too. And you couldn't bear the thought of being a cause of pain to someone you loved so much.
So it was your turn to be shocked when that door opened to reveal Sonny Carisi standing there.
The only man you’d ever truly loved.
Your ex-boyfriend. Ex-Fiancé.
And yet your heart soared when you saw him. True unbridled happiness, relief, excitement washed over you for just a moment when you locked eyes and equally drank in the sight of you in.
But that feeling was quickly replaced with the pain of knowing that because of you and your actions...
You weren’t anything to each other anymore.
THREE MONTHS EARLIER
The wind whipped you harshly as you slipped out the apartment.
2 am.
The streets of Santa Barbara empty, sleepy, safe. You walked as far away as you could until you were sure that you weren’t being followed. You clutched your coat around you tightly and after you finally walked passed two other telephone boxes you finally entered the third one you came across.
Tears had been streaming down your face as soon as you had cleared one black away from the apartment. You were shaking at this point barely able to slot in the coins or dial the number. You were so unsteady leaning against the flithy phone box as you held your breath as the phone rang in your ear.
“Hey, you’ve reached Detective Sonny Carisi. I can’t come to the phone right now but if you leave a message. I’ll get back to you as soon as possible,”
“Hey, Sonny…” You began, your knuckled going white as you clutched the phone desperately, unable to make your voice less shaky, you were already crying and in all honestly you didn't know when you were going to stop, “It’s me…Y/N. I know it’s been a while since we last talked and I’m sorry for that. And I’m so so sorry that I have to do this way…but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be with you anymore. I can’t put you through this anymore. I can’t. I love you too much. I want you to know that in case I never see you again. I want you to be happy…with someone else. I know I can’t make you happy like you deserve to be . I can’t make you happy. Not anymore, things have changed. I’m sorry. Goodbye Sonny,”
You hung up the phone as quick as you could before sinking to the ground, with an inexorable shake and sob. Clutching your knees in an attempt to hold yourself together.
You felt like you’d make the biggest mistake of your life but it was what you needed to do.
It was the right thing to do.
And God did it hurt.