Excuse me while I go back a few chapters and catch up...
I reread a couple of chapters to collect my thoughts that have been gathering, and I just need to declare that Larry at the present moment lives in my memory as a dickhead -- if for no other reason than the fact that that’s his favorite head to think with when it comes to placating (i.e. pacifying) his wife. I need him to kick rocks. Preferably without shoes.
It’s already obvious that he’s selfish and manipulative, but sir... really? I was so aggravated reading the sex scene in the studio. I mean I had to pause and collect my breathing because, ma’am, the details and the IMAGERY! But still, at the root of it, Larry was using sex to control and dominate Marlee, probably because it’s the only time he can effectively subdue her. Just like how he uses his physical strength and her situational dependence on him to control her. I mean I’m no psychologist, and maybe I’m psychoanalyzing this fictional character WAAAAYYYY too much (actually, I’m sure I am, but fuck it), but how I see it, through sex, he can literally have her bend to his will in ways he never will when she’s “sober.” He can’t get around her anger with his words (actually, maybe he could, but he didn’t try), so he sneaks into her good graces with sex.
He doesn’t respond to her emotions; he negates or redirects them. She says I hate you, her actions say I’m livid and hurt. He doesn’t say “I know, I understand, I want to address your anger.” He dismisses it and simply says “I’m sorry, YOU love ME.” That’s a reminder that she is bound by feelings she can’t control and at the end of the day she ain’t going nowhere. So he retreats into silence like a wounded puppy, spoils her with soft touches and good food, and uses the sex to stir up those feelings of love hoping those will do what he’s too scared to do, say what he’s too scared to say. THIS is his idea of fighting for them? Tell me I’m wrong. Please tell me I’m misreading and going WAY off the deep end here.
Funny how he can demand that she say to him that she loves him, when in the middle of his 99 billion (and counting) apologies, he can’t even muster up the words himself. It’s all “I miss you” (selfish), “I need you” (selfish), “I can’t lose you” (selfish), “how long are you gonna be mad at me” (still selfish). He wants so much in return for what? Actions and sorrowful, loving eyes can speak volumes, but that doesn’t make words irrelevant. The good ones or the bad ones. An apology is a start, but it’s not the end; it’s the prelude.
It doesn’t help that I read this chapter right after reading the one before it, because his description of how Marlee treats him when she’s angry (”like nothing”) was fresh in my mind, so he was already on my bad side. When he said that during their doc visit, I thought, well ain’t this a black-ass pot calling the kettle blurple. I don’t think Larry is necessarily angry with Marlee, but it’s already been established that he’s carrying around a lot of bitterness and pain from her in his heart, even when he’s not aware of it and when he’s actively loving her. He was back then and he still is now, and it colors his actions and makes him treat her like nothing, too. Like when he flies to DR with the boys instead of coming home after a long trip. Or does a music video and doesn’t tell her about it. Or lets her walk out when she’s obviously angry or hurt without saying anything to ease her pain or going after her. Or telling her that he hates her.
He treats her like her feelings don’t matter sometimes. Or rather he gets so caught up in his own that he forgets to acknowledge hers (which is understandable, that’s human) and then tries to peace it up without dealing with them (which is where the problem comes in). So why has it never occurred to him that her “treating him like nothing” is a reaction to the way he treats her? Because he’s self-centered in a lot of ways. Of course it wouldn’t occur to him that a person can only invest so much into someone else with no return before they start guarding their assets to protect the few they have left -- even after Marlee has explicitly stated as much to him. To be fair, it seems like Marlee started this trend after the babies, but that makes it all the more baffling that Larry (who is used to being the recipient of the cold shoulder) is so determined to continue it -- and so obliviously! They treat each other so hurtfully. Old habits die hard, I guess.
I’m obviously #teamMarlee in this fic (not that I’m not rooting for Larry and for them to get back together, and definitely not that Marlee is blameless). So far, since Paris, Larry has only made me want to throttle him, even when I read things from his perspective. Not to kill him, just to knock some sense into him. He has all of the intelligence and tools he needs to start mending his marriage, but he’s so afraid to. So now they’re both living 10 Things I Hate About You, when the truth is neither of them hates the other, not even close, not even a little bit at all. And it hurts so bad.
I can’t even deal with the most recent baby situation. I may never forgive you for that, B. My heart was NOT prepared for a second blow like that. Outta nowhere! But with the way I’m feeling about SWBFF Larry these days and the things he DIDN’T say when Marlee was wailing on him, I’m going to walk away from talking about it lest my crazy mind starts believing that Larry made another deeply painful decision motivated by pure selfishness. Nope. I refuse to believe his selfishness runs THAT deep. I’m trying to imagine how terrible it must have felt for him to hear his wife, the person it would kill him to live without, spew such hateful venom at him after he had to make what must have been the hardest decision in his life. I’m trying... but my psyche keeps resting on the gaping void left by all of the words he DIDN’T say about the situation, and it makes it a little harder not to fill them with my own assumptions.
I’m not sure if I should thank you for getting me all in my feelings (and my head lol) like this, but I thank you so much for sharing your talent through these stories. You put in work, honey! These are not real people! But you bring them to LIFE! And you suck me into their stories, edges, emotions, and all, against my better judgement.
Sorry, that was crazy long
