Nightshade
Chapter 28 | Chapter 30
Chapter 29: Swizzles & Twizzles
TW: As always: the tw does contain spoilers! This fic has language, mentions of drugs and alcohol, sex, nudity, general mentions of violence, past abuse, and soooo on. This week on Nightshade (said in Jake's voice) 🧐😂 Old faces make an appearance at 22West. Simone and Jake confront each other. Tensions rise between our newly established couple and Jake's insecurities/trauma becomes too much to ignore. We've got a wild ride ahead with lots of trauma mentioned and a lot still unmentioned. Jake's kind of an asshole in the beginning of this, our idiots open up to each other a little, we've got fluff and family bonding and family traditions, ice skating, and family pictures, and, shockingly, no cliffhanger today!
As always, enjoy my lovelies! And I didn't do a great job proofreading/editing this one, so sorry if there are mistakes! But, enjoy anyway!
“Bonjour Beauté.”
A large hand ran over his black hair, neatly slicked back in a French fashion. His lips turned upward in that signature charismatic smile. Pale eyes watched every move I made with that glint of glee and mischief. That glint was one of the only things that separated him from Anthony, in appearance at least.
Once the shock had worn off and my limbs didn’t feel so heavy, I ground my teeth together, hands balling into fists as I moved forward without thinking. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
Claude scoffed, holding a hand over his heart as though my words had wounded him. “Oh, how cruel you’ve grown since spreading your little wings!”
“Get out.” I shoved him towards the door.
“Oh, come now,” he cooed. “Aren’t you at least a little happy to see me alive and well?”
“No.”
“So crass.” He grinned wider. “And here I thought you’d learned your manners.”
You miserable, good-for-nothing, fucking asshole! I wanted to punch him, to scream at him for all the bullshit he’d blamed on me over the years and all the stupid, impulsive decisions he’d twisted me into and watched me get punished for. “Get. Out.”
“I am a guest,” Claude replied simply with the arrogant, self-important look he was so fond of.
“Well, we’re closed.”
“When has that ever stopped me?”
My hand fisted in his fine silk shirt, and I pulled him in close, whispering one final warning to him so low my coworkers couldn’t hear. “Leave now, before this gets ugly.”
The prick had the nerve to chuckle. “Are you going to shoot me? Like you shot dear Anthony?”
“Claude?” A soft voice asked from the top of the stairs, interrupting any reaction I would have had to his insults. I turned eyes meeting Simone’s, and my heart dropped. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.
With a click of his tongue, Claude pulled my fingers from his shirt and straightened out his jacket. He winked as he stepped around me entirely to stare up at her like some lovestruck poet. “Simone.”
She hurried down the stairs, looking less like a shrew and more like a foolish teenager. Her eyes quickly darted to where Jake still stood by the kitchen doors, likely still reeling from my very sudden outburst. That simple flick of her eyes was all I needed to see through the pomp and frill and spectacle. This is an act. For both of them. “What are you doing here?”
“After our first meeting, I could not resist myself.” Claude lifted her hand and pressed a kiss to it. “You are magnetic.”
“You could have called,” she replied.
“Nonsense, such an important question requires… finesse that only the eyes can offer.”
“And what question is that?”
“A date, of course.” He puffed up his chest. “Dinner. You and I. Wine. Candlelight.”
“Sounds rather romantic.”
“It will be,” he assured. “So, is that a yes?”
Her eyes drifted to Jake, as if conveying a message through her expression alone. I could see the hurt in his eyes, mixing with the fear in a way that made my gut twist. He shook his head, pleading with her, or trying to at least. Then, just as quickly, Simone turned her head away and smiled back at Claude. “Of course. How could I refuse such heartfelt eyes?”
He laughed, loud and boisterous and so obviously fake, if only to me. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. “Come then.”
“One moment,” Simone said, gesturing to her uniform. “I’ll have to change.”
“I shall wait,” he said, turning his head to look at me with that smile. “And catch up with old friends.”
I watched her leave, Jake’s eyes following her every step before they shifted to me. It wasn’t anger that I found in them, but uncertainty. All the things he still didn’t know - all of what he didn’t understand was bubbling up inside him the way I’d seen too many times to count. It was only a matter of time before it all either imploded or exploded.
Peter internalized it all. The unknowns, the way certain words or actions would set off a reaction in me. It imploded within him, eating away at him until all he could do was try his hardest to stand between me and the storm. Patrick, however, was the opposite. Everything he didn’t understand, all the things he still didn’t know, festered and boiled over like a pot of water left too long on the stove. He exploded on anything and anyone that got in his way.
What will Jake do? I wondered as he turned away from me and headed back into the kitchen and upstairs, where Simone waited. Will he tear himself apart? Or will he tear someone else apart? Will I let him get to that point?
Claude’s arm settled across my shoulders. “Now, tell me, did you enjoy your birthday present?”
*
Jake’s heart hadn’t stopped hammering since Lena froze beside him. This is it, he’d told himself the second he caught a glimpse of that French-speaking asshole. This is him. But, once she’d jumped into action and practically kicked his ass back out the door, he’d quickly deduced it was not, in fact, Tony. Not yet, at least.
The relationship was odd between Lena and this Claude. It was strained to the point where Jake could’ve sworn she’d felt something for him at one point. The way she glared at him - the way she held herself tighter, it all reminded him of when he’d told Simone about the gym. This was the way she looked when she’d felt betrayed by him. So, it begged the question, How did Claude betray her?
“Claude?” It was Simone’s voice that shook him out of the trace of thought he’d entered. His head turned, and his eyes went wide at the sight of her giddy smile.
She never looks at anyone like that, Jake seethed, hands balling into fists at his side as his heart hammered louder and louder. Not even me. Not anymore.
“Simone.”
“What are you doing here?”
The second Simone was close enough, Claude lifted her hand and pressed a kiss to it. His lips lingered too long, his eyes radiating that smug self-importance that made Jake absolutely hate the man. “After our first meeting, I could not resist myself. You are magnetic.”
“You could have called,” she replied, almost like a whisper… a flirtation.
He flirted back. “Nonsense, such an important question requires… finesse that only the eyes can offer.”
“And what question is that?”
“A date, of course.” He stood up straighter. “Dinner. You and I. Wine. Candlelight.”
“Sounds rather romantic.” He rolled his eyes. Give me a break. There’s no way she’s falling for this.
“It will be,” he assured. “So, is that a yes?”
Then, her head turned, and her eyes met his. Say no, he thought, trying to convey the message with his eyes. This guy is trouble, Simone. Say. No. Then, just as quickly, she turned her head away and smiled back at Claude, and he felt his whole world shift. “Of course. How could I refuse such heartfelt eyes?”
Jake didn’t hear the rest of the conversation over the sound of ringing in his ears. He didn’t know anything about Claude, only that when Lena saw him, she was scared and angry, and that was enough. Whoever he was, whatever ties he held to the torment Lena endured, he could not let Simone leave with him.
If he’s anything like Tony… he could hurt her… he could… Jake shook his head, looking at Lena as soon as Simone’s fuzzy form vanished back upstairs. Her eyes were bright, even now, filled with concern and something he couldn’t quite place. For a moment, he felt torn between the two of them, and it was like his nightmare had come to life right in front of his eyes.
He could either stay and help Lena deal with whatever this was, or he could go after Simone and… try to convince her not to go with Claude. Either way, Jake knew he’d be letting one of them down. Either way, you fail, just like you always do. He forced himself to take a deep breath and try not to think about it too much. With a final breath, he turned away from Lena and headed upstairs to the locker room.
She can handle Claude, he told himself over and over again. She’ll be fine without me.
“You can’t go out with him,” Jake said, desperation bleeding into his voice, causing it to crack.
Simone’s brows rose. “I can’t?”
“Simone-”
“You do not get to tell me what I can and can’t do, Jake. Especially not after all you’ve put me through this week. All the secrets you’ve been keeping from me.”
Jake swallowed hard, trying to figure out what words he could say that would get through to her while also protecting whatever ties to Lena he could. “Simone…”
She turned then, stripping herself of her shirt, and gave him the same look she’d given him the whole night. “Oh, now you want to talk?”
“I missed one phone call,” he attempted to argue.
“You missed several phone calls,” she replied bitterly. “And that’s not even mentioning the way you abandoned me on Thanksgiving and every moment since in favor of that redheaded floozy.”
“You said that we were good,” he almost yelled. “After all of it, you told me we were fine!”
“Of course we aren’t fine, Jake!” She screamed back. “You have abandoned me at every turn in favor of someone you barely know! And now you’re parading her around like she’s the most important thing in your life. After everything I’ve done for you, she’s the one you put effort into making happy. She’s the one you run to when she calls. Acting like she’s the one that’s been carrying you all these years.”
He forced himself to let go of the insults and the dismissal of what he felt for Lena. Her safety was more important right now. “I’m sorry-”
“You’re sorry?” She laughed that horrible laugh, void of any joy or fondness. “Well, I’m sorry, Jake, but I don’t believe you. You have always been selfish and avoidant, but lately it’s…” with a shake of her head, Simone shrugged, blinking away the tears building in her eyes. “It’s like I don’t even know who you are anymore.”
It struck him hard, just how much he’d fucked up, and with that, the fear in his gut erupted. “Simone, I’m sorry. I was just…” Happy.
She shook her head. “You were just doing what you always do. Abandoning me. Abandoning all we’ve been through and built together in favor of the newest flavor of the month. And yet, just like the last time, it spiraled out of your control and turned into this misshapen thing that I’m going to have to clean up after.”
“We’re just casually dating,” he finally ground out before he could stop himself. After the words settled between them, he forced himself back on track. “What Lena and I have has nothing to do with this!”
“Doesn’t it?” She gestured to the door. “You’re not here, trying to stop me from going out with a perfectly fine man because she’s convinced you that you should?”
“No. She didn’t say anything to me about this. I’m just trying to protect you.”
With a roll of her eyes, Simone zipped up her skirt and began to put on her nice blouse. “Protect me? From what, Jake? From a chance at being happy? Or at the very least, having a pleasant evening?”
His teeth ground together as he tried to find a way to tell her without actually telling her. “I’m just… He’s not the person you think he is, and I need you to trust me.”
“Trust you? How can I trust someone who has hurt me so deeply?” She shook her head and scoffed, turning away from him to fix her lipstick in the mirror. “Besides, when did you start caring about who I went out with?”
“I have always cared who you went out with.” He stepped closer to her, forcing her to see him through the reflection. “When you first started dating Etienne, I did everything I could to convince you to stay. And then when you and Serena started fighting over Fred, I was the only one who told you to let it go. He wasn’t worth it then, and he wasn’t when you slept with him again last year.” He set a hand on her shoulder. “Please, Simone. Trust me, this time when I’m telling you this asshole isn’t worth it.”
She turned then, eyes soft as she looked at him closely and lifted her hand to his cheek. For a moment, it felt like it used to. Warm and consuming, safe. Then that moment was gone. “Where did I go wrong with you?”
Jake felt like words had physically punched him as Simone’s hand fell away from his face and she turned her back on him. The locker room walls felt like they were closing in as the dam that had held back years of self-loathing and fear crumpled. His thoughts swarmed with all the times he’d failed Simone, every single moment of their lives when she’d needed him and he’d been too selfish to see it. “I don’t need this, Jake.”
He could see the look she’d given him in the cellar. It felt like forever ago… Yet, he could never forget how hurt she’d been. “One of these days, I’m just going to be done with you.”
Don’t say that.
He felt the tears slide down his cheeks, and yet he almost couldn’t feel anything at all. All that remained was the soul-crushing weight of the new words that would haunt him for the rest of his life. “Where did I go wrong with you?”
Please, A pathetic sob somehow squeezed its way out of his tight throat. “Don’t say that.”
*
I watched Simone leave with Claude, both of them a mess of fake smiles and flirting, though I was the only one who seemed to see through it. Sasha and Ari practically squealed at the new gossip, while everyone else participated at a less enthusiastic level. The Russian pulled a twenty-dollar bill from his jacket pocket. “I bet blondie does the nasty tonight!”
Heather rolled her eyes. “Simone’s way too sophisticated for that.”
“She’s a prude, we know,” Ari added with a thoughtful look. “Buuutt she seemed to be super into his whole French vibe. So, maybe she’ll let loose for once.”
Sasha’s head turned to me, eyes narrowing as he pointed his middle finger my way. “You did not like this French boy, Tiger Bitch.”
Ari leaned closer, twirling a strand of my hair around her finger. “Yeah, what’s the story there?”
“Lovers?” Sasha gasped. “Or is he your arch nemesis?”
“Neither,” I replied, moving away from the crowd. “I’m gonna go check on Jake.”
“You two coming to dinner?” Scott yelled after me.
“Yeah, we’ll catch up!”
“You know what that’s code for, right?” Ari giggled.
Sasha cheered, slamming his hands down on the bartop. “SEX! SEX! SEX!”
The locker room was quiet when I got to the top of the stairs. All I could hear was Jake’s uneven breathing and quiet mumbles. He stood with his forehead pressed into the lockers, hands held close to his chest as he talked to himself so lowly I couldn’t hear what he was saying. “Hey. Simone just left everyone was-”
“You let her leave?” He ground out, turning to glare at me as though I’d just told him I’d punched her.
“Was I not supposed to?”
“I don’t know, you’re the one who was acting like this guy was the fucking anti-Christ or something!” He rolled his shoulders, grimacing like he was in physical pain. “God fucking damn it!”
It felt strange, seeing him so irritable after everything we’d been through over the past week. He’s been so calm and collected through everything. Why now? I wondered, quietly watching him unravel for a moment before the truth of it hit me.
Jake had been so focused on me, he’d pushed off everything else. Every fear, every doubt, every second of anything that couldn’t be used to help him help me was shoved aside and deemed unnecessary. Now it was all just catching up to him. Now there was no way he could push it aside.
I took a step forward, hand reaching out to try to touch him, soothe him like I usually would. “Hey, it’s oka-”
“It’s not okay!” He yelled, pulling away from my touch.
“Jake-”
“No! This fucking asshole is out there with her right now, leading her into god knows what! He could fucking hurt her or worse…” His voice trailed off as he brought his hands to his head, fingers tangling into his hair so tight I could see it strain his scalp. “Fucking useless. Like always.”
“Jake,” I quietly repeated. “Claude isn’t dangerous. He’s just a massive asshole.”
He scoffed. “Yeah, right. A massive asshole that had you that fucking scared? I don’t think so.”
“I wasn’t scared of him.” I could feel a slight twinge begin to burn in my chest. Offense? Anger? I wasn’t sure.
“You sure looked pretty fuckin scared to me.”
“I-”
“I can’t fucking do this right now.” He pulled his hands out of his hair and shoved past me. “I’ve gotta go find her and… make sure she’s fucking safe.”
I whirled around, my hand wrapping around his wrist. “Jake!”
“WHAT?!” He screamed, turning fast and practically running into me.
With a flinch back, I held his gaze. “Do you really think I’d let her go with him if I thought he’d hurt her?”
He paused for a moment, something at war within himself showing through the tempest in his eyes. The fear he felt, for Simone or for something else, won in the end as he pulled his arm out of my grasp and said, “I don’t know.”
It was just as sudden as it was brutal. The sting of hurt scattered across my chest like lightning, stealing the breath from my lungs and bringing tears to my eyes. Does he really think so low of me? I watched Jake notice the hurt his words caused. And in that way of his, it was like he heard my thoughts. Is he scared of me now? Of what I’m capable of? Of the pain I inevitably cause?
I swallowed and nodded, trying as hard as I could to push past it and… be there for him. “Okay. Well, I’ll… I’ll come with you.”
“No.” He turned away and started walking again. “Just leave me alone.”
It wasn’t until I heard his footsteps fade entirely that I answered through tears, “Okay.”
I caught up with the others just as they’d started walking to dinner. They had a hundred questions, none of which I felt up to answering. Somewhere down the block, Sasha bumped me and held out his cigarette. “You look like you need a hit.”
“Thanks,” I mumbled, taking it and inhaling as deeply as my lungs would allow. The bitter tang of smoke filled my senses, numbing the feeling of disappointment that had settled in me like a stone.
“Just leave me alone.” The voice in my head wasn’t Jake’s. It was mine.
Dad sighed, leaning back against the bar and looking at me with that sad look. “Why do you have to make this so hard, kid?”
“It would be easy if you’d just leave me the hell alone!” I screamed back, shoving a few chairs over. “All day, every day it’s talk, talk, talk! Well, I don’t wanna fucking talk anymore!”
“Language, Lena,” he reprimanded calmly. “You got every right to be angry, but I won’t have you swearin’ like a sailor just yet.”
I groaned, pulling at my hair as I fought the urge to destroy more… to hurt him as badly as I hurt. “STOP TALKING!”
Dad took it with his chin up, like he always did. He let me yell at him until I was blue in the face, and never once did the love in his eyes fade.
“I fucking hate everything! I hate you! I hate Ozzy! I hate Patrick! I hate Peter! I hate…” I couldn’t bring myself to say his name, but Dad knew. “I’m done. I just want everyone fuck off and to leave me alone!” I could feel the tears building in my eyes, burning and turning the world hazy.
With a nod, he stood. “Is that really what you want?”
This time, I couldn’t hold it back. A sob forced its way out of my throat, and the tears spilled down my cheeks. I didn’t need to answer his question. Dad stepped forward and wrapped his arms around me as tightly as he could. “I’ve got ya, Lee. I’ve got ya and I ain’t never lettin’ go.”
I stopped walking, staring ahead as it dawned on me. I fucked up.
Sasha waved his hand in front of my face. “I said a hit, not the whole thing. Give it.”
I quickly handed him what was left of the cigarette and turned on my heel in the opposite direction. “He just asked for his cigarette back.”
“Yes, you don’t have to take it so personally, Tiger!”
I hailed a cab and gave him the address, offering to pay him extra if he could get me there as fast as possible. The whole drive, I was anxiously looking out the windows, scanning the crowds for Jake’s familiar build and asshole features. Come on. Come on. Come on. I threw the money at the cabbie the second he pulled up in front of Jake’s building and rushed up the stairs. I fished the key out of my pocket and quietly mumbled, “Please be home. Please, please, please, be home.”
The second the door swung open, I was met with the absolute destruction of his apartment. Hemingway was curled up beneath the sofa, only leaving the safety of it once he’d noticed me. He ran fast, jumping up into my arms and pawing lovingly at my face. Jake was curled up on the floor, beer in one hand and his phone in the other. The ringing echoed from it for a moment and then was followed by Simone’s faint voice.
He groaned. “God damn it, Simone. Pick up. Please.” I heard him choke back a sob. “Please don’t leave me.”
I pushed the door closed, and the click of it shutting drew Jake’s attention instantly. He staggered until he was up on his feet again. “What are you doing here?”
Hemingway returned to his hiding place. “I’m here to help, however you need me to.”
“Get out,” Jake replied. “I don’t want your help! I don’t want anything from anyone! I just want to be left the fuck alone!”
“Really?” I asked, quietly, carefully. “Is that really what you want?”
Jake’s lips quivered as he struggled to form the answer. Then, his head shook. I dropped everything, rushing forward and wrapping him up in my arms as tightly as I could. He buried his face in my hair and finally released the sobs he was holding in.
“It’s okay,” I whispered. “I’ve got you. I’ve got you, and I’m not letting go.”
*
It took hours for Jake to settle, and once he did, he looked horrible. It was like all the life had been drained from him as he slumped against the couch from his place on the floor. I sat across from him, hands resting on his legs as I tried to find the words to say now. Dad would know what to say, I thought. He always did.
“I don’t want this to be the focus of the conversation,” I finally started. “But I… I’d like to know… Did you really think I’d let her go if I thought she’d be in danger?”
“I…” Jake paused, forcing a tired breath from his lungs. “No.”
“Claude is a piece of shit, but he wouldn’t hurt anyone.” I looked away, trying with all my might not to be offended by the terrified idea he’d had of me just letting something horrible happen to someone, even someone like Simone. “And Simone seems like she can handle herself. She’ll manage him just fine.”
Jake’s head hit the back of his locker, and he sighed. “She can handle just about anything. I’m just…”
“You just worry.” I settled against the lockers beside him. “I know.”
“I didn’t mean to make it seem like I don’t trust you,” he said quietly, fiddling with his fingers in his lap. “After everything that’s gone on in the past few weeks… I’m just on edge.”
“Sorry,” I whispered, looking up at him. “That’s probably my fault.”
“No,” he quickly said with a firm shake of his head. “That’s not what I meant.”
I smiled. “It’s okay. I get it. My bullshit… it’s a lot.”
“It’s not bullshit, and it’s not your fault.”
“Jake, relax,” I urged, smoothing a hand down his bicep. “I’m not mad or saying shit just to make you feel bad. I know how rough dealing with my baggage can be, and I’m genuinely sorry it’s put so much stress on you.” He opened his mouth, another argument locked and loaded. “Stop. Just listen for two minutes. I’m glad you were there with me. You helped me more than… more than anyone has in a while. But I also understand that being there for someone you care about is stressful. And this… it’s complicated, and I don’t always handle it in the most healthy ways. So, what I’m trying to say is it’s okay. It’s okay that you’re stressed and being kind of a dick.” That finally got a laugh out of him. “I get it, and I promise I’m not gonna hold a grudge or judge you for whatever it is you’ve got going on.”
For a minute, he just looked at me, the way I’d been looking at everyone else lately. Searching for that slip-up. Then, when he didn’t see it, Jake finally sighed and said, “Simone’s finally done with me.”
“What?”
“She said she’s tired of holding me up and carrying me. She’s tired of getting pushed aside and abandoned and…” he shook his head. “She’s right. I’ve been inconsiderate and… I haven’t been there for her.”
“You just said Simone can handle pretty much anything.”
“Yeah, but she still needs me.” He looked down at his fingers, picking at them harder. “I’m all she’s had for so long, and I just drop her the second I get the chance to? What kind of person does that?”
I shook my head and sighed, “You didn’t drop her, Jake.”
“I let her go to the Cape alone for Thanksgiving, knowing full well what her family is like. She needed me, and I wasn’t there. I chose not to be there.”
“Simone knows what that place does to you.” I lifted his chin with my hand. “That wasn’t you abandoning her. It was you setting a boundary. She shouldn’t have asked you to choose between her and your own well-being.”
“She’s been trying to get a hold of me all week, and I’ve just been -”
“Busy.” I smiled, soft and kind, desperately trying to reassure him. “It’s not like you were out partying and having the time of your life without answering her calls on purpose. You’ve been busy trying to help me, Nana, Peter, Patrick, and Quinn. You haven’t been selfishly or purposefully ignoring her. Shit just got in the way. She should understand that.”
“She-”
“How many times has she had to blow you off because something important came up?”
His eyes finally met mine. “A few.”
With a nod, I stroked his cheek. “I think you’re entitled to have things come up, too.”
“Thanks,” he whispered, a look of guilt still stuck in his ocean eyes. “I’m… I’m sorry for scaring you earlier.”
I tilted my head and smiled, “Do I look scared to you?”
“Don’t,” he answered desperately. “Don’t excuse what I did.”
“You didn’t do anything,” I replied, squeezing his cheek. “And I wasn’t scared of you.”
I could never be scared of you.
“So, Claude’s just an asshole?” Jake asked, quietly clearing his throat.
“Yeah,” I answered. “He's not gonna hurt her, Jake. I promise.”
“Why do you hate him then?” he shook his head and added, “Aside from him being an asshole.”
“He used to be my friend. My only friend after…” I swallowed hard and quickly moved on. “But then he started using and getting into trouble, and he thought it was funny to pull me into it. He'd steal things and plant them on me, ruin Tony's favorite suits and blame me for it.”
“Sounds fucked up.”
“The worst was when he'd pull me along on his ‘field trips'. He’d sneak us out and tell me they said it was fine that we went to the bar, or to some party for a few hours. I'd have fun, and then Tony would march in and absolutely lose it.” I pulled away, settling back against his coffee table and lost myself in the words - in the odd feeling of relief that came with saying them out loud. Saying them to him. “That's what happened on my birthday. Claude said it was all part of Tony's gift to me… We went to some shitty bar. He got shitfaced and disappeared. Tony found me and… we were driving back to his place, and he was so angry. He held a knife to my throat and… I honestly thought he was finally mad enough to just do it.” My hand lifted, fingers tentatively gliding over the scar left behind. The words were harder to get out this time, but I’d somehow still managed to say them. “I don’t know, I guess I realized I actually wanted to live… or maybe I’d just finally had enough, so I sort of jumped out of his car.”
Jake's expression was sadder than I'd anticipated when I looked up. His brows had furrowed, and his lips were pressed into a thin line. Sad as he looked, it wasn't pity like I was used to. It was anger wrapped in sorrow and shock and… Guilt. It was like somehow, Jake felt everything I did, and it terrified me.
Clearing my throat, I looked away and sat up straighter. This isn’t about you, I scolded myself. “Thankfully, Dom was close by. He helped me out, and I took off running through the snow til I found my dad.”
“I…” Jake shook his head. “I’m fucking terrible at this.”
“You’re better at it than you think,” I answered. “Besides, we’re here for you tonight, not for me.”
“Lena-”
“Nope. Shush.” I moved, sitting in his lap and pressing my finger to his lips. “Tonight this is a Lena’s bullshit free zone.”
His lips lifted beneath my finger. “I think there’s enough room for both of our bullshit.”
I glanced around and sucked in a breath. “I dunno, your apartment its pretty crowded already.”
“We can make room.”
“Later, maybe,” I said kissing his head. “But, right now it’s my turn to take care of you.”
He made a sound that sounded too much like protesting.
“It’ll go a lot easier once you just accept it,” I urged.
“Fine,” he huffed, arms wrapping around me. “Coddle me, princess.”
“I’m not gonna coddle you.”
“No?”
“No.”
“Not even if I said please?”
“No,” I replied, stifling a laugh.
Jake was quiet for a minute before he quietly asked, “What if I said pretty please?”
“Oh my god, do you have to make this so hard?”
“Absolutely.”
I stood up from his lap, ignoring his protests, and pulled him into the bathroom. “Come on, jerk.”
With gentle hands and a lot of patience, I pulled his clothes off him and carefully helped him step into the tub. I guided him into the spray of hot water, quickly asking, "Is it too hot?"
"No," Jake answered, relaxing into my body as I too stepped into the shower. "It's perfect."
"Good.” I kissed his collarbone. “Now turn around so I can wash your hair.”
I lathered his soap on my hands and carefully lifted myself onto the tips of my toes to reach Jake’s head properly. The suds turned his dark hair white as I massaged his scalp with my nails. He groaned quietly. “That feels nice.”
Laughing, I pressed my body into his. “It’s supposed to.”
“Don’t be so smug,” he teased, quietly moaning as my hands slid down to massage his shoulders.
“Careful,” I whispered. “All those pretty noises might get you into trouble.”
Jake smiled then, likely recalling him telling me something similar. “I like trouble.”
“Oh, I know.”
After a long massage, he tipped his head back into the water, rinsing the suds from his hair and letting the hot water relax whatever knots remained in his body. After he was clean, I slid past him to switch places. I used his soap and shampoo without even thinking - without even having to. His arms wrapped around me, and his lips pressed to my shoulder, to the scar on my skin. This time, I leaned into his touch.
We stood in that shower for what felt like hours before I finally managed to pull myself and him from the warmth and back out into his living room. Hemingway had pulled himself out from beneath the couch and curled up on the edge of Jake’s bed. His eyes watched us both as I dug through Jake’s drawers and found both of us clothes for the night.
I carefully shoved him into bed and tidied up his apartment before I turned the lights off and locked the door. The city lights illuminated the room enough for me to make my way to bed and crawl in beside him. The shapes of light played across his ceiling in the way I found so comforting as Jake pulled me into him.
"You used the key," he quietly mumbled.
I blushed, feeling oddly giddy about a dumb spare key. “Yeah, that’s kind of what it was for.”
My fingers traced Jake's tattoos, and his traced mine. Neither of us said anything else. We didn’t need to. And, for the first time in a long time, that silence felt peaceful. I nuzzled my head into his chest and closed my eyes.
*
Waking up that morning felt groggy and still slightly heavy from the night before. So much had been shared between the two of us, not all of it in words but in that odd understanding we had established between one another. Part of me felt lighter for it, while the other felt consumed with dread at knowing that at any moment it could change everything between us. Jake’s weight was pressed into me, basically pinning me to the bed, and somewhere in the apartment, Hemingway was wailing for his food.
“Feedthecat,” I grumbled into his chest.
He grumbled, “Youfeedthedamncat.”
“He’syourcat.”
“Istolehimremember?”
Finally, I slapped his arm. “Fiiinnneee, move so I can feed him.”
Jake rolled off me, curling himself back up in the bed without a fight. I found the cat food quickly and lazily scooped it into his bowl, plopping it down on the ground in front of him and finally silencing his wails. The second he began eating, I stumbled back into the bed, flopping down on Jake’s back.
“What time is it?” He eventually asked, likely because the sun had begun to slip in through his curtains and shine right in his eyes.
I turned my head and glanced at the clock on his nightstand. “Almost ten.”
He groaned. “Breakfast?”
“Cooking or going out?” I asked, still half asleep.
“Either.”
Sitting up, I stretched out and walked to his fridge. “Holy shit, did you actually go shopping?”
Jake stretched too, and I didn’t even try to hide the way I admired every second of his muscles. “Well, I kind of had to. If you’re gonna be staying the night every so often, I’m gonna need to have the essentials to keep you from finding another dickhead bartender to shack up with.”
“So thoughtful,” I jokingly mused. “You gonna cook for me too?”
He stood up and slowly made his way to my side, pulling me in close and pressing a kiss to my lips. “How about we both cook?”
“You’ll still owe me two breakfasts.”
Rolling his eyes, he nodded. “I’m aware.”
“Alright then, what are we making?”
I was slightly surprised by just how well Jake and I moved in the kitchen together. We didn’t clash or disagree. We just shared the space in a way that was entirely foreign to me. Even with my brothers, we fought over space and spices, and almost every time we all cooked together, someone was upset with how it tasted.
With Jake, it felt easy. He’d hand me something before I could even ask for it. I’d clean up something before he’d even ask me to. It was the perfect push and pull. A state of total balance that I found myself actually enjoying.
After breakfast, we just curled up on the couch and watched old movies together like it was the most normal thing in the world. Jake, Hemingway, and I. An unlikely trio, napping together on an unlikely gifted couch. It was perfect.
“About last night,” Jake began softly. “I’m sorry for being such a dick.”
“You weren’t a dick,” I reassured him. “And you don’t need to apologize.”
He cleared his throat. “Simone’s fine, by the way. She texted me before we woke up, gushing about her date.”
I chuckled. “Well, she won’t be gushing for long if they keep seeing each other. Claude’s not good at keeping up good behavior.”
Jake laughed a little too, his arms wrapping around me just a bit tighter. “Thanks. For not leaving me alone.”
“Thanks,” I responded. “For not throwing me out on my ass.”
“I could never,” he replied. “Your ass is way too nice for that.”
When the day had rolled by, Jake and I finally managed to drag ourselves out of his apartment and to the Chinese place beneath his for a late lunch. My phone rang halfway through our meal. “Patrick,” I answered Jake’s unspoken question.
He hummed, still shoveling rice into his mouth. “If he mentions me missing training, blame it on the cat.”
I rolled my eyes. “Sure thing.”
Patrick spoke before I could even say hello. “Oi, where the hell did you put the ice skates?”
“Storage shed, first box on the left. It should be on the top,” I happily replied, suddenly filled with a rush of excitement. “We doing that today?”
“Hell yeah, we are,” Patrick practically shouted with a laugh. “Bring your boyfriend too. I wanna watch him fall on his ass!”
I faked a laugh, but I also wanted to see Jake in ice skates. “You’re hilarious.”
“I know.”
“See you there.”
He grunted over the line, likely pulling the storage shed door open. “Don’t be late or Nana will have my head!”
Jake swallowed his food and nodded towards me. “What’s goin on?”
I leaned forward with a dumb, wide grin. “Do you have ice skates?”
His face scrunched up. “No. Why the fuck would I have ice skates?”
“Oh, this is gonna be fantastic,” I replied quickly, leaving money at our table and grabbing his hand. “Come on, we’ve got some shopping to do.”
“What does that mean?” He grabbed another piece of bacon off his plate and followed after me.
“We Harrows have many family traditions,” I started. “One of which is going ice skating every year sometime before Christmas.”
“Ice skating?”
“Yeah, you ever done it?”
“No,” Jake scoffed.
I bumped him with my elbow. “Too childish for you?”
He bumped me back. “Something like that.”
“Well, you don’t have to come.” Shrugging my shoulders, I glanced up at him. “But, it might be kind of fun.”
“For you guys, I’m sure,” he laughed. “Watching me fall on my ass a bunch of times is right up your alley.”
“Oh, don’t worry. I’ll be there the whole time to show you the ropes.” I winked. “If you think you can handle that.”
“I can handle anything you Harrows throw at me,” Jake assured. “So, what do we need?”
As we hurried through the rest of the afternoon, running store to store to get Jake the equipment he’d need, I couldn’t help but admire him. Even though it was something totally new to him, he didn’t seem nervous or apprehensive. Jake ran headfirst into whatever unknown I presented him. Maybe he trusted me, or maybe I was just one of the few people he allowed himself to be a little bit childish with.
Either way, I liked it. I liked seeing him smile that big, big smile that he hardly ever let himself keep for long. I liked hearing him laugh, loud and deep and full. I liked watching him fumble a little to the point where he’d get that determined look in his beautiful eyes.
I like you, I thought, watching him try on another pair of skates. I like you more than I should and yet… He glanced up at me with that smile and that laugh, and it felt like my heart skipped a beat. Like isn’t a strong enough word for this.
The sun had begun to set when we finally finished and grabbed a cab to the rink my family always rented out for the night. Jake was a ball of energy, asking question after question about what he should expect from his first time ice skating. When we pulled up, Quinn and Ari were the first to greet us. Quinn grinned from ear to ear as she gave Jake a one-armed hug. “I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist!”
“Resist?” He questioned, glancing over at me. “You expect me to resist that face?”
I batted my lashes and leaned on his shoulder. “I’m adorable, I know.”
Ari took hold of Quinn’s hand as we made our way inside. “You’re all so adorable.”
“So are you,” Quinn replied with a kiss.
Jake quickly asked, “Who exactly thought I wasn’t gonna show?”
Patrick saw him instantly, standing up tall and cheering. “Little brother, you made it!” He turned and nudged Peter. “Told ya.”
“Peter,” Jake deadpanned. “I thought we were cool.”
“Sorry, man, I just didn’t think you’d wanna risk lookin’ like a dumbass in front of my sister.”
With a nod, Jake waved him off. “Not a problem.”
“Yeah, he looks like a dumbass the majority of the time,” I said, quickly accepting my bag of gear from Pat.
“Ouch,” he replied. “You’re supposed to be on my side, princess.”
I smirked. “Oh? Sorry, sweetie.” Turning to my brother, I shrugged. “Fuck off, Pete.”
He rolled his eyes and shook his head. “You two are cute.”
“Yeah, disgustingly adorable,” Quinn shouted from the top of the stand.
Standing up, I stretched my arms out, “Is this not what you wanted? Are you not entertained?!”
“Relax, Maximus,” Ozzy said as he came in through the door with Nana and Abdul close behind him. He glanced at Jake, eyes widening slightly as he did a double-take. “Oh, you came?”
Pat pointed at him. “You owe me twenty!”
Jake scoffed. “Even you?”
“Sorry, dear boy,” Oz offered, giving him a pat on the back. “Just didn’t think you’d be interested.”
Once I was absolutely ready, it felt like I was buzzing. Jake had insisted on trying to lace his skates on his own, an admirable idea that was proving just a bit too hard for him, not that he’d admit it. I swayed side to side, anxiously waiting and suppressing the urge to just take over and toss him into the rink. After a minute or two, Peter just waved me out towards the ice. “Go ahead and get it warmed up for us, sis.”
From his spot on the ground, helping Katie with her skates, Patrick nodded. “I’ll help Jake get geared up.”
“Thanks,” I answered, giving Jake a thumbs up. “They’ll take good care of you for a minute. Then you’re all mine, newbie.”
He rolled his eyes. “Why am I starting to feel like I’m gonna regret this?”
“You won’t!” I swore. “You might be bruised and sore as all hell tomorrow, but you won’t regret it!”
“Uh-huh. Whatever you say, princess.”
I stuck my tongue out at him and made my way down the stairs and to the edge of the rink. The ice stretched endlessly out in front of me, and the second my skates hit the smooth, chilled surface, I was back there with my mother’s hand in mine.
“Please, Jules?” I’d begged, holding the larger man’s hands in mine. “Please just this once!”
He stared at me for a minute, face blank as it often was, before he sighed and relented. “Fine. Just this once, and I’m staying the whole time. The second I say go, we go. No arguments.”
I nodded fiercely. “I promise!”
“Go, get ready. And make sure the housekeeper knows the rules.”
Wrapping my arms around him, I smiled for the first time in months. “Thank you.”
He awkwardly patted my back. “Sure thing, kiddo.”
I gave Rada a thumbs up, and she practically squealed with delight. “Go, get ready! Quick before he changes his mind!”
Jules drove us to the furthest rink he could find and booked a private session. It wasn’t fancy or lavish like anything Tony would have set up, but that just made me feel better… safe. Rada helped me with my skates and took hold of my hand as we stepped out onto the ice.
It was cold, I could feel it even with all the layers I wore. Stepping onto the ice felt like stepping out into the air. The blade of the skates caught and wobbled awkwardly as I tried to follow Rada’s movements. Eventually, the older woman slid out in front of me and took hold of my arms. “Hold on, Lyubov.”
We twisted and twirled, dancing across the ice together in a way that reminded me of dancing with Francois. The reminder felt like a punch to the gut, but before it could consume me, Rada laughed, throwing her head back as she pulled me across the ice. I watched her feet move, gliding along the ice like it was nothing. “Where did you learn to do this?”
“I am Russian, my dear Lena,” she replied. “I was born on the ice!”
I couldn’t help but laugh, smile, and enjoy myself when Rada twirled me around. I wouldn’t last forever, but it could last long enough for now. So, despite the feeling of Jule’s eyes boring into the back of my head, despite the knowledge that I would return to that penthouse, I let myself be happy.
The blade of my skates cut through the ice like it was water as I put one foot in front of the other, gliding and twisting like leaves in the wind. I felt it all just melt away, all that was left of the bad memories part of me still clung to, even after letting the time pass. Out on the ice, I felt free.
*
He couldn’t take his eyes off her, which he knew wasn’t really all that surprising, but the second her feet hit the ice, she became… something else. The tension in her body slipped away with every twist and turn and delicate shuffle of her feet. Her body contorted in ways he’d previously thought impossible. Lena looked like a vision - more than a vision, she looked heavenly.
Watching her glide across the ice like she was weightless somehow made him feel lighter just by being there. Simone’s words still hung over him. The fear that she’d actually go through with it this time and cut him out of her life entirely still made him feel heavy. But, here, now, in that singular moment, it was just her, Lena, on the ice. If she can be weightless after everything she’s been through, then so can I.
Patrick helped him with his skates, giving him some version of advice that absolutely didn’t stick in Jake’s head as he, and everyone else, was enraptured by Lena’s movements. With a pat to his knee, Patrick stood and settled into the seat beside him. “You’re all set to get out there and tear it up, little brother.”
“How long have you guys been doing this?” He asked without thinking.
“Since she got back.”
“That’s not as long as I would have thought.” She looks like she’s been doing this her whole life.
“Yeah, well, we had to figure out something to do with her around the holidays. She was… It was hard, at first. She’d lock herself in her room most days and either blow up or burst into tears at any given moment. So, one night, the old man came home and told us we were going ice skating. She was good at it, like annoyingly good, never learned where she learned how to do it, but once she got out there on the ice, she was different.” Patrick smiled, eyes tracing Lena’s every move with a mixture of awe and joy, making him look lighter than he had in weeks. “She was my little sister again, you know?”
He watched her again, instantly clocking the difference in her. She seemed so happy… maybe happier than Jake had ever even seen her. “I get it.”
“Word of warning,” Patrick continued. “She’s gonna be so good at this, and you are not. And the worst part is, she’s gonna be so happy you won’t even be able to be mad at her for it.”
“That sounds about right,” he sighed, forcing himself onto his feet even though he wobbled. “Try not to make too much fun of me when I faceplant two seconds into this.”
“No promises, little brother.”
“Figures.”
Jake made his way to the edge of the rink, staring down at the ice like it was some trick. Lena’s feet slid into view as she stopped herself in front of him. “You ready, tough guy?”
He shook his head, trying not to get lost in the way her eyes sparkled. “Am I about to make a total ass of myself?”
“Oh, absolutely,” she teased, taking hold of his hands and pulling him forward. “Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle.”
The second his skates hit the ice, he felt like he was falling. His body slid backwards while his feet slid forwards, and if it weren’t for Lena holding onto him, Jake was certain he’d have eaten shit. Her grip tightened, and that melodious laugh bubbled up out of her throat. She sounded so damn happy he couldn’t bring himself to even glare at her. Pat was right, that is annoying.
Lena’s legs curved and twisted, and Jake tried his best to follow her movements until he eventually got somewhat of a hang of it. With a wide smile, Lena slowly let go of his hands and let him skate on his own. He kept putting one foot in front of the other, shakily propelling himself forward. “This isn’t so bad.”
“Well, you look fantastic,” she praised, maybe teased, but he’d take it.
His speed steadily built until Lena was fully skating backwards in front of him. “How do I slow down?”
Before she could answer, the tip of his blade caught on the ice, and Jake flew forward into the cold, rock-solid ground. Lena was beside him in seconds, stifling her laughter and making sure he wasn’t dead or concussed. Her red hair draped around them as she smiled down at him. “Well, that’s one way.”
“Ow.” From almost every angle, Jake could hear the laughter and cheers of the Harrow gang, both making fun of his misfortune and asking if he was dead. He lifted his arm and gave them all the middle finger. “Everyone but Nana and Pop Pop can fuck off!”
“He’s fine,” Quinn whined. “I was hoping the fall would fix your shitty attitude!”
“Language!” Nana quickly scolded.
Lena laughed again and helped him sit up. “You wanna go sit down?”
Jake scoffed and tilted his head. “Who do you think you’re talking to? I’m just getting started.”
He could tell his response was exactly what she wanted to hear by the way her smile grew. She stood up straight and offered him her hand. “Well, come on then, let’s not keep your adoring fans waiting.”
*
We spent almost two hours skating, and by the end of it, Jake could actually move without falling on his ass or ramming into the sides of the rink. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much, and I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed as loudly as I did trying to coach him. It felt normal, in the best way, like he’d always been a part of ice skating with us. Like he fit perfectly into my life without even trying.
Nana led the charge from there, putting on her bossy face and marching everyone towards the giant tree that New York City was famous for during the holidays. Most natives would rather do anything but attempt to get pictures around the damn thing in the midst of the holiday rush, but to Nana, it was all part of the tradition.
“Why do we have to do it at this specific tree?” Jake asked her from our place in the middle. “Wouldn’t it be easier to just put a tree up in the diner and take it there?”
“Easier does not mean better,” Nana reminded before she jumped into the story my family had heard every year. “When Abdul and I came to America, we had nothing to our names but the clothes on our backs and one very old camera. We built our life slowly, through hardships and obstacles, and great blessings. And, our first Christmas here, Abdul and I got lost in this city, among all the lights and the people. We found this tree and took our very first picture in America. From that day forward, we always come back and take a picture. Our family has grown over the years,” She smiled back at us. “But no matter what we always come and take pictures together.”
For a minute, Jake seemed uncomfortable, or sad maybe. His smile faltered, and an old, painful look made him look older than he was. I reached over and took his hand in mine, cautiously assuring him, “You okay?”
He nodded, clearing his throat and pushing whatever it was that bothered him to the side. His hand squeezed mine back. “Yeah, I’m alright. It’s a nice tradition.”
We stopped walking once the tree came into view. Nana gave Abdul a kiss and quickly started giving orders, “Abdul, clear a path! Ozzy, get the children camera-ready. Every couple gets a picture, and then we’ll get one all together. It is busy, and the tourists are rude, so we must move quickly!”
“What if someone tries to cut in front of us?” Quinn asked, like she had every year, just to hear Nana’s reply.
Nana sighed and shook her head. “Just this once, I give you all permission to shove.”
“Hell yeah!” She cheered, bumping into Jake. “That’s my favorite part.”
Ozzy fussed over everyone, carefully fixing people’s hair and covering up any bruises they might’ve gotten from ice skating. He was the order in the chaos. Every prompt Nana gave out, Ozzy and Abdul were the ones to carry them out.
Peter and Isaac were first. They were modest about it, holding their united hands tightly between their bodies. To anyone else, they would’ve just looked like two friends standing close together.
Quinn and Ari were next, adopting Peter and Isaac’s tactics to look as normal as possible just in case the crowd still raging around us wouldn’t notice. After a cute picture, Quinn begged and pleaded until Nana cracked and let them pose in a silly manner.
Patrick and Katie went after them. Pat wrapped her up in his arms and dipped her into a deep kiss. They were both smiling like idiots afterwards, trying to ignore the way we all whooped and hollered.
Nana waved at Jake and me. “Go on, you two. You’re next.”
“Oh, Nan, I don’t know if that’s…”
“I wasn’t really prepared for pictures…”
Jake and I glanced at each other after both of our protests started and ended at the same time. The old woman’s face fell, a horrible sight that made us both feel like shit in seconds. “You two are not taking a picture together?”
Scratching the back of his head, Jake awkwardly shrugged, clearly not sure what to do. “I dunno.”
“You don’t have to,” I told him, quickly. “It’s not like a big deal or anything, and we’re… new. I always just take one by myself.”
Quinn scoffed. “Not always. You and Sammy got a real good picture together when you two were messing around.”
I sent her a glare before turning to reassure Jake that it wasn’t a big deal and that Quinn was just a bitch, but his hand wrapped around mine before I could. “What-”
“We’re taking a picture,” he replied, gently pulling me towards the tree.
Nana practically cheered as she lifted her camera and urged Abdul to begin his shouting at the tourists who were getting too close. I stood stiffly next to Jake, my mind still reeling from the fact that I hadn’t planned this. My face felt hot, and I was sure it was just as red. Hopefully, I can just blame it on the cold.
As Nana messed with her camera, I shuffled a little closer to Jake and whispered, “You really don’t have to take one, if you don’t want to, you know?”
He looked down at me and smiled. “I know. I… I do want to.”
I smiled too, getting lost in the peaceful expression on his face and the way it felt… right, standing next to him. I didn’t even register the click of the camera’s shutter, nor the blinding flash that indicated Nana had taken her photo. All I cared about was Jake here, with me.
With a chorus of aws, Nana quickly shooed us out of the way and shoved Ozzy up to the front. Peter tapped my shoulder, quickly pulling me out of my daze, and he, Patrick, and I rushed up to join Oz for his picture. Quinn made quick work of making fun of Jake while I was gone.
“Quickly,” Nana urged once the picture was secured. She set up her very old, very unstable tripod and positioned the camera as all of us gathered around.
Jake stood awkwardly by the camera, staring at all of us with a confused look on his face. I nodded him over. "You coming?"
He hesitated and I could have sworn I saw tears building in his eyes. "I..."
Nana vigorously waved him forward. "Jake! Quickly, my habibi!"
With an unsteady breath, he quickly stepped forward, finding a spot beside me at the edge of the group. We shoved together, all of us around Nana and Abdul, and smiled as the timer went down. Jake squeezed my hand as the camera flashed, and Nana was back to shooing.
She fixed some settings and handed the camera to Ozzy. “Do not mess it up, Oswald!”
“I wouldn’t dare!” He replied, taking his place in front of them.
Nana and Abdul went last. They always did. They held each other close, smiling as brightly as the lights on the tree behind them. I settled back into my spot beside Jake, our hands still entwined. As they took their picture, my silly brain couldn’t help but think something completely and utterly damning. Maybe that’s what Jake and I will look like eventually.
Long after pictures had been taken and our group started heading back to the diner, Jake’s hand stayed in mine, and neither of our smiles ever faded.