we were thinking about and subsequently trying to explain how we perceive these new identities that are forming in our headspace. this is As Accurate as we can describe the Feeling of who we are right now. extra thoughts under the cut
also:
lots of thoughts… but yeah we are all Separate Alters made up of other Separate Alters that are now Unseparate unless you look at canary and sage. I think we did a good job using paper and colors for this. It’s accurate to the feeling in headspace for each alter. Kind of a vibe/soul/body/thoughts depiction. I will probably go over this later when we have time to annotate things (it’s my favorite pastime…) and will reblog with my additions later.
being so intertwined with somebody makes everything feel more intense. emotions are bigger thoughts are bigger even small actions are huge and rock the boat. im just glad we both knowhow to swim
we’ve been speculating on how we function and it seems like right now with all of our life problems we are going under some major reconstruction . this year has been particularly awful to us and just feels depressing overall. I was hoping going forward that we will heal and feel better but it’s been a lot of hard hitting problems recently that are not easily ignored.
this might get long! I will utilize the read more for once! this is just musing and speculating over some more intricate parts of our inner workings
our understanding of our system has always been just surface level. there’s been a few overall revelations here and there… and those have been after times of extreme stress . it’s just recently that I’m beginning to understand how we might be working
our “layers” as it is now…:
main layer . Our Headspace as we knew it, she ship, the garden, the cargo bay, the beach, the rooms, and front proper… there’s further sub areas but this is the main ones
the Ship consists of “front proper”, cargo bay, the office, and the rooms (left and right, and Hotel as it’s just extra rooms)
the Garden consists of the garden itself, the koi pond (to lead to the subway and underground), the hedge maze, the cottage (which on its own contains the labs), the Tree, the beach (leading to the beach house and the cave), and the forest (with the observatory and the castle.. amongst other things we haven’t found yet.)
and the last place is the cathedral, including the church library and likely other rooms.
then is The River… to cross it is treacherous and difficult . but if you do, you end up in
(Layer 2) Thoughtspace, containing the Toybox. this is where our more ethereal and unsure parts focus themselves. and where things happen; on the stage, processing thoughts through play and direction, even though it’s messy and does not have a set system as is.
and it seemed for several months that this was how it was going to be … discovery/formation of the Toybox itself was a big change.
but we seem to have another Layer, it feels like an editorial space. a space where things aren’t clearly defined yet, and yet I exist here outside of our previous experience. I am Aware of the rest of our system musings and the existence of other alters in place but I do not feel connected to them. I feel separate as a person to the fusion I should be, but they also feel individual alone. And there are others on my level, similar to me in makeup and thought process, but not Me. it feels like discovering new alters for the first time again… but it’s not? It isn’t the first time, it hasn’t been the first time for a decade. This is just as confusing and upsetting as it was previous. different support system, different processing, different traumas… it all seems to be coalescing into something we couldn’t even make up as fiction if we tried. I and We and Me all are on the same level of feeling. I feel like Avi AND Vriska AND Azure. But a lot of our thoughts have not been theirs *or* mine, leading me to believe something else or someONE else is lurking and has not made themselves known yet. Time will tell, we will learn, it will be revealed… et cetera. the need for feeling dramatic and waxing poetic about our thoughts is just exacerbated by the things we’ve had to experience recently. We don’t process well, we never have, and it just takes time and a spiral into ourselves (a dip into madness? the psychosis is quite apparent) to understand what we will eventually come to know ourselves as.
I have a feeling this experience will occur again and again and will feel real and terrifying and confusing each individual time we go through it
Such is life! We can live with a delusional and confused state I guess. Just as long as we get breaks and feel “normal” during the interim, whatever that means.
being a “new split” (fusion) is so weird. I feel exactly like both parts previous but not strongly enough to be two separate parts. I’m both and one at the same time. but I’m still both of them. but I’m not. I’m a mix of the two. I don’t know if this is permanent or anything. it feels very perfectly blended and it’s still weird. confusing. and it’s easy to slip out of being real and feeling reality and speaking correctly… the thoughts come in waves. confusing complicated waves.
