Trying to get ahold of Rylan during Pride, one of the biggest parties of New York's year, was like trying to catch the wind. Kennedy was prepared this year. He'd insisted on his time well in advance, bargaining for a regular weekend tradition between them. While he knows that it's much easier to catch his daughter for a quick bagel from Sabelle's, he moves their spot down to the Waverly Inn; between the no-photography rule and the full breakfast down in the village, it seemed like a sure bet.
He was still settling a few emails on his phone, trying not to stare at the clock as the minutes passed. This was always the worst part: the wondering if she'd show, the ache for the days behind them, when he could just scoop her up and take her out for breakfast and his only worry was if she'd bother the magazine editor next to them too much with her childhood antics. Now, he worried about what was making her late, if she'd show up still drunk or just extremely hungover, if he'd see a smile at all.
Good god, Kennedy. He chided himself for his dramatics. Still, he had to admit he was already watching the door when she walked in. He waved her over to their table. "Hey, Ry," he said, holding out his arms for her. "Your mom says hi, too." They sat down again, Kennedy passing her a menu. "Do your dad a favor and order a full breakfast, will you?"
why: Kennedy's affair with @melinaxabrams has broke to the world. Kennedy goes to Rylan's apartment.
TW: drug use, cheating, alcohol
Kennedy felt dead on his feet as he walked the long hallway to his daughter’s apartment. In a perfect world, he would feel rested. Confident. Ready for a fight. But in a perfect world, he wouldn’t have cheated. He wouldn’t have done a lot of things in the first place, in a perfect world. He’d gone home first, knowing he owed his wife the dignity of accepting her response. He’d expected the worst and got it, swiftly packing a bag and checking into a hotel. And then he was off, needing to get to Rylan. Rylan. His baby, the one he always wanted to make proud, to live up to her expectations. He’d failed her and he knew it. He took a deep breath and knocked on her door, leaning his forehead against it. “Ry? Baby? I know you probably don’t wanna see me, but I’m here for whatever you wanna say.”
Rylan was half asleep as she stumbled out of her bedroom towards the front door, having fallen asleep in Nate’s arms about half an hour ago. She’d extracted herself carefully enough not to wake him before hearing her dad’s voice come through the door. Shit. The last person she had any desire to talk to. There was a reason she wasn’t going to open the door and that was because she couldn’t bare to even look at his face.
For as long as she could remember it had been Kennedy and Rylan against the world. When she’d been cheated on by August, then by Kal, he had been the person she’d run to for comfort. Trusting him above everyone else. Knowing he was the perfect model of how a man should conduct themselves, except her clearly wasn’t and now she was left grappling with her whole perception of the man being a total lie. It was excruciatingly painful. She was not coping well. “'Don’t want to see you' is an understatement, so don’t expect me to open the door because it’s not fucking happening.” She hissed through the thick wood.
Kennedy winced at her answer. He could more than understand it. But if there was a time that it would be better to walk away and leave her to heal herself…this didn’t feel like that time. “I know,” he said, even though it hurt to hear. “I know I can’t make this right, not right now. But please honey, open the door. Let me have it, whatever you need to do.” He meant it. He didn’t expect any less. He knew what cheating meant for Rylan, and though he hadn’t been in a great marriage for a long time, he still owed Olivia more than he’d given her. And he owed his daughter more than a father who cheated. “I’m sorry,” he said, trying to convey how much he meant it. “I’m sorry, Rylan.”
“No, I’m not giving you that satisfaction. I don’t want to see you right now so I’m not opening the fucking door to sooth your panic because you got yourself into this god damn situation.” Her voice was acrid as she leant her back against the door, closing her eyes to put all her focus into not bursting into tears. Never in a million years could she see herself in a situation where she was so furious with her father she wouldn’t open her apartment door to him, but here they were. Letting out a soft laugh that was entirely devoid of any humour or lightness she stared into the darkness. “Are you?” Her voice was small, disbelieving because the words that rung in her head were so painful even before they came out of her mouth. “You sorry it happened or are you sorry you got caught? Because we both know you were away with her last weekend when you were awol. Work my ass.”
Rylan’s anger was palpable, even though the door, making Kennedy’s heart drop to his stomach. “Okay,” he said. “Okay.” All he wanted right now was to see his girl, even the sadness or anger or disappointment on her face. But he wasn’t allowed that, and Rylan was allowed that bargaining chip. “Okay, honey. I’ll stay right here.” He expected the question but it still hit him hard, to know his daughter thought this little of him now. “I’m sorry it happened,” he said, and he meant it. While he couldn’t regret Melina, couldn’t regret their connection, he regretted acting on it while he was still married and she was still working with Rylan and him by association. “And I’m sorry for that, too, for going away last weekend. I wasn’t thinking.” He grimaced with the truth of it. He really wasn’t thinking. “You don’t need to forgive me. You don’t. I just need you to know it’s done, and it never should’ve happened. And I want to know how you’re feeling.”
Rylan padded away from the door far enough to get a discarded glass from earlier, not the one she’d smashed on the floor post spilling vodka, but another she’d discarded half drunk when she and Nate went to bed a couple of hours ago. Picking it up she returned to the door her dad was on the other side of, taking a sip of the now warm alcohol. ‘I’ll stay right here’ those simple words broke her heart because they were a symbol of what she’d thought she’d had but had now lost. He was her dad, he was always meant to be there, but now it felt like he wasn’t anymore. Sliding her back down the door she held the glass in both hands, sat on the floor with a sigh. “That is the thing, it’s done now isn’t it, so no amount of talking will change it.” Another thing she hated, they could talk about it until they were blue in the face but the damage was done. How she was feeling? Like death warmed up. Like her whole life was crumbling around her at a million miles an hour but she could no longer stop it, no longer mute it, no longer shut it out. “How do you think I’m feeling?” Rylan scoffed, taking another swig of the drink. "Take a wild fucking guess."
Kennedy felt her absence and raised his voice a little to reach her. “Ry, please—“ he asked, not knowing what to do if she completely shuts him out. “Just talk to me, whatever you have to say, I can take it. Just talk to me, please.” His heart was slowly sinking, its shards from when it broke dropping into the pit of his stomach. When she came back, though, he cleared his throat. “I’m sorry for panicking like this, I just—fuck, honey, I fucked up. And I just…” He broke off, unable to voice the truth. Unable to admit that he feared losing her more than anything, and feared that he’d done the thing to really lose her. “That’s a good question,” he acknowledged, wincing when he heard her swallow. God knew what she was drinking. “I would guess angry. Confused. Hurt.” He could hardly know the extent of it, remembering back to nights holding her after the assholes cheated on her, recognizing that needing to hold her was the only reason he wasn’t tracking them down in person to give them a piece of his mind for hurting her. Now, he wanted to hold her again. But he was the one who hurt her. The realization hit him harder now. He felt tears in his eyes and tried just breathing through them, knowing he had to control his emotions more now than ever before. He took a deep breath through his nose and shuddered it out from his mouth. “You aren’t alone, are you? You’ve got your guy, I hope?” He wanted to show support where he could, at least.
Rylan ignored his pleas for her to come back to the door, just doing what she needed and picking up the glass instead. Once she’d sat herself down on the floor with her knees tucked up against her chest the girl tipped her head back, closing her eyes to stop tears from springing into them. No, there was no point in crying because it wouldn’t make anything better. If anything it would just wake Nate up which was something she didn’t want right now. She’d done him enough damage for one night. “You would guess? You would guess, okay good to know.” Talking into the glass as she took yet another swig, grateful she always overfilled them because it meant this one had some left in it. Even so she wouldn’t think twice about leaving her position to refill it - the urge to walk away completely into the bedroom again only stopped by the concern that would lead to her father banging loud enough to wake up her boyfriend. “Who cares if I’m alone or not, shouldn’t you be with your special friend right now anyway? You didn’t care much if I was alone last weekend. Or is it that you’re worried if I do something to myself because I’m alone you will have to live with that guilt on top of what you already feel, because that would make much more sense.”
“Do you wanna tell me how you feel?” Kennedy said, trying to keep himself calm, and trying to keep her talking to him at least. “Whatever you wanna say, Ry, I promise.” He scrubbed his hands across his face. “It’s done. Whatever it was with Melina, it’s done. So, no, this is exactly where I’m supposed to be, and it’s exactly where I should’ve been last weekend, too.” He closed his eyes tightly when she brought up his greatest fear, that she would do something. “Baby, I’m asking because I know it’s bad, what I did. It’s worse than bad. And I care about you.” He dropped his voice. “I love you, Ry. I know I fucked up but that’s never changed.”
“It’s worse than ‘worse than bad’ actually.” Rylan snapped, knowing right now there was no words for how bad she thought this was. How this was making her feel. She probably couldn’t explain it even if she wanted to. Anything she said would just feel like some kind of pathetic half truth because it wouldn’t sum up the pain properly. Even the alcohol wasn’t numbing it properly. “Might be done but you still did it in the first place, you might as well carry on to be honest, not sure that would make things worse at this point.” Draining the glass she put it down on the wooden floor next to her, the clink able to be heard in the quiet of the apartment. “It’s funny, I used to think so highly of you. For your birthday I actually wrote a song about it, but I might as well just get rid of it at this point because it’s a load of bullshit now.” Keys had helped her with the lyrics but none of it stood true anymore, it had all been based on a lie. “You should leave.” Putting her head in her hands she closed her eyes, wishing everything would just disappear, either that or that she could. “Or don’t, I don't care.” Looking around as she lifted her head back up she spotted an orange bottle on the side table by the door for the keys she reached over to grab it, shaking but hearing no rattling sound. Shit, empty. Chucking it across the room where it skittered into the corner with a clattering sound. She'd have to get something from the bathroom cabinet if she wanted it.
Kennedy had thought his heart couldn't break anymore than it already had, but he was wrong. He was so very, very wrong. Because when Rylan told him how much he'd meant to her, and how he'd ruined her very perception of her, it all came crashing. It all came to shattering pieces. He would never hear that song now, and while he loved her voice, he hoped he never did. He feared that he'd never get over the pain of disappointing her so resolutely that something as pure as a song had to be thrown away. He breathed deeply as he heard soft crashes from the room and just hoped to God Nate was there and he knew what to do and that Kennedy would know if something terrible happened. He covered his face with his hands. “I’m here,” he said, muffled through his fingers. “I’m here. And I’m sorry for when I wasn’t.”
“Good for you.” Rylan muttered under her breath, looking around the room to see if she could see anything she could take, wrinkling her nose when she came up empty. Luckily there was a bathroom off the living room that wasn’t connected to her bedroom, pros of living in a three bath apartment. Getting up she headed into the small room, opening the cabinet so she could scan the shelves, mostly finding things like painkillers, until her eyes clapped on a blister pack that was almost empty. Two left, that would do. Taking the medication back to the front door she slid down it for a second time, dry swallowing them with ease, it was worrying at this point. Then again everyone had to have a skill, right? “I’m not going to open the door you know, so you’re wasting your time.” She couldn’t even bring herself to call him dad out loud, because to her that was his name, and she didn’t want to feel it on her tongue. It burnt. It was painful. “It’s funny, I always thought mom was the selfish asshole who was just in it for herself.”
“I know you aren’t going to open the door,” Kennedy confirmed. Of course he hoped she would change her mind, but he also honored her decision. It was fitting; he didn’t need be allowed in. But god that last bit— Oh, it burned down to his core. From early on, it was him and Ry against the world. It bothered Olivia, of course it would. If the reverse were true, he would be bothered, too. And he didn’t think Olivia was a selfish asshole either but to be called that himself— Kennedy let his face fall in his hands. When he spoke, it was muffled. “No, that’s me,” he mumbled. “You’re right.”
Rylan felt tears prickling the corners of her eyes but clenched her teeth in an attempt to stop them from actually materialising. Emotions were coming thick and fast for the girl at the moment which meant they could change on a dime, her steely resolve to show no emotion to her dad during this conversation in an attempt to freeze him out was not working out right this second. Swallowing she closed her eyes, head leaning back against the door as she held the now empty blister pack in her clenched fist. “It’s both of you. But it was never meant to be you. I thought the world of you - I used to think you were…” She broke off, her voice threatening to crack. No, she couldn’t allow that. There would be no breaking down of her walls, not this time. It was a step too far. “You know that is the one thing I just…you know that.”
All Kennedy wanted was to be on the other side of the door, allowed to hold his baby, allowed to soothe her and make it better. Somehow. Any way. Just to try. He felt as confused as he was when he was barely 21 and had an infant screaming through the night with what turned out to be an ear infection. He felt as clueless now, as inadequate now. Just much older. “I’m sorry, baby,” he groaned. He was more sorry than ever. “I know. Fuck, I know.” And he could say a million things, about how he and Melina never meant for this, that it would’ve ended anyway, that this wasn’t even the first time and that meant the marriage was empty anyway. But it didn’t matter. “I know. I know I can’t say anything to explain it away but please know I’m sorry. That it never should’ve happened. That I should’ve been talking to your mom and all I wanna do is try to own up to all this now.”
“How many times do you think it’ll take?” Rylan replied through the door, adding no more clarification to her question just yet. Instead feeling her stomach twist as he dad called her baby, unable to now wonder if he’d called his mistress the same thing. What was once a pet name that made her feel special, loved, safe, now just made her feel nauseous. A physical symptom of just how everything had been turned on it’s head by this. She couldn’t even look at her dad right now and had no idea if or when that would change. One thing was for sure, things would never be quite the same again, and that just made her feel sicker. Swallowing the saliva that was in her mouth thanks to the nausea, trying to hold onto herself so she didn’t chuck up right there and then. Willing the pills she’d taken to kick in, whatever they were, so she could breath a little easier. “How many times do you think it’ll take of you saying sorry before I cave? Because I’m willing to place a bet on it being a higher fucking number than you could ever imagine.” And then some. Her tiny body slid further down the door until she was laying on the floor, curled in on herself as a tear dribbled out of her left eye, feeling herself trembling. She’d trusted these people with her career, and subsequently her whole life, but the whole time they were together behind her back. She’d never felt so alone because every other time this kind of darkness had crept over her she had her father to run to. He would find a way to make her smile, not be the reason she was crying. “Just go away.” She murmured, not even sure if he’d hearing, not caring either way.
"I'm not apologizing so you'll cave, Rylan. I'm apologizing because I'm sorry and I know there's not much else I can say for myself." It's true. If Kennedy tries his hardest, he can't imagine what he'd want to hear if he'd found this out about his own parent. He really can't. There's no handbook for this thing, and that's part of the punishment, isn't it? Kennedy doesn't even know if he's fucking up correctly. "I'm gonna stay for a little while," he said, trying to keep his voice calm. "I'll be gone by the morning so you can do what you need to do. But I'm gonna be here for a little bit. I don't expect to see you, but I'll be here." He swallowed thickly. "I'm always gonna be here, Ry. I know I wasn't last week, but I'm always gonna be here." He settled against the door, resolute.
“You could have thought about that before you fucked her.” Rylan snapped back in a sour voice, like you could hear how her eyes were narrowed and her fists were clenched through just the tone. Crumbling into a ball on the floor she went silent for a while, trying to catch her breath which seemed to be snatched out of her chest as the sadness overwhelmed her. The man on the other side of the door was someone she didn’t know anymore, it was scaring her. Sniffing she pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them tightly until she was in a ball. “I don’t want you here.” She croaked in a tear filled voice, it cracking on the last word even as she tried to stop it from happening, not wanting her dad to know she was crying. Whatever she’d taken was making all her limbs start to feel heavy as she lay there on the cold ground, knowing the man who had once been the one she’d crawl to in this kind of instance was separated from her by only a wooden door, except…well there was a hell of a lot more separating them now.
Kennedy had to suck air quickly through his teeth to hear Rylan, to hear his baby, tell him what he did. He’d spent the past day or so feeling guilty and ashamed and scared but hearing her say that made him feel dirty. Contaminated. Disgusting. “You’re right,” he said, sounding as miserable as he felt. He clenched his eyes shut. He couldn’t leave. Not now. He knew he’d leave by morning, and he was committed to that. But this was as close as he could get to Rylan, and Kennedy couldn’t give that up right now. “Rest,” he whispered, barely breathed out loud. It was more a prayer than anything else. A prayer whispered just as truly now as he whispered it when she was a few months old and had no idea how deeply he would disappoint her. How deeply he would disappoint himself in his sadness, his emptiness, his need for connection.
"It might have been an hour, it might have been ten seconds, but at some point Rylan fell asleep amid the tears that had started to dribble down her cheeks. Sniffing every so often as she let out a soft sob under her breath, not wanting her dad to hear it if she could help it. Blinking her eyes open the girl was disorientated for a second not sure where she was or what was going on, but then it came back all too quickly. On her apartment floor, her dad was on the other side of the door but she wouldn’t let him in, he’d cheated, with her PR Manager no less…all the ugly truths made her stomach start to churn. At least….she assumed he was still outside, but there was no way to be sure. Lifting her hand she knocked on the floor with her knuckle just once to see if it got any kind of response from the other side of the door, or if her dad had given up and left at some point while she was sleeping.
Kennedy closed his eyes, far from sleep, but since he hadn’t heard Rylan get up and walk away from the door, he’d stayed. He’d stayed in the guilt and the stress and everything else. He figured he’d head home as soon as he heard her move or hear Nate or her roommate come get her. But until then, he was there. Trying his damn best. The knock made him stir from what little rest he was getting. Rylan. One knock. Just one. Gently, he lifted his own knuckle and rapped on the door twice. Knock, knock.
Rylan blinked a couple of times as she heard two knocks coming in response to her one. Her dad was still there. She didn't know how long it had been but he was still there, so he'd really meant it when he said he was going to stay. Not that it changed anything, she thought to herself coldly. Still her hand reached out to touch the door for a couple of seconds...fingers spread out as she looked at the wood underneath it, swallowing. No. He had done the worst thing possible. There was no appeasing her for that. "I'm going to bed..." She croaked in a tear filled voice, having started to cry again at some point without even realising. That was happening a lot these days. Except her whole body felt like it was made of lead...each movement exhausting however small. The bedroom seemed so far away in that moment.
Kennedy listened hard, and was relieved when he heard her voice, as raspy as it sounded. "Okay, honey," he said, leaning his head back for a few minutes as he waited for her to move. "You okay to get up on your own?" Because he just didn't know. He didn't know if she had done something or taken something or if she was just that tired or weak. He didn't know. And it was his fault he didn't know, but he still wanted to know if he could help. Or at least ask yes-or-no questions that were easier to answer through a door.
“I…yeah…” she murmured in an unsure voice, using one of her hands to try and help herself stand up but failing. Ending up back on the floor with a clatter a couple of seconds later. She was going to have to quite literally crawl back to the bedroom if she wanted to get there without breaking her neck, or worse, waking up Nate. “I’ll get there.” She tried again, a less committal answer to the question. What had she taken? The girl had no idea but it was clearly hindering her motor functions.
Kennedy kept his voice as calm and gentle as possible. “You want me to help?” he asks. “I’ll go as soon as you’re in bed. Promise. No questions from me.” It killed him to even say that, knowing that a few months ago, he could’ve asked her anything. That he wouldn’t be the reason she had felt she needed to medicate anyway. It broke his heart. “It’ll be just a few seconds and then you can rest in your bed.”
“No!” Rylan answered in a slurred voice, moving carefully so she was on all fours like a baby, blinking to get her eyes to focus on the gloomy ground under her. “I don’t want you in here, go away.” She repeated the same sentiment as earlier, that she wanted him to leave, even if her momentary lapse in resolve had been in display moments ago when she knocked against the door. Her heart was aching to feel the safety of her dad’s arms around her right now, but they weren’t safe anymore, not in the same way. They were still his arms but now they were attached to someone she no longer recognised.
“Okay,” Kennedy said, still as calm and as gentle as he could manage, even as his heart somehow broke more. He thought it would be over by now. Good and broke. But this was the worst. “Okay, I’ll stay right here outside. Just go slow.” He swallowed, his throat raw from the resolve not to cry all night. His head pounded in pain. “Gonna be all right. Just get to the bed.”
“Nothing…” She broke off, feeling herself choke up with tears again, he might have a resolve not to cry that he was able to keep but the alcohol and drugs in her system was stopping Rylan from being able to do the same. “…is going to be ok.” Her voice was raspy as she moved her hands, then knees, then hands, one at a time to slowly move across the apartment at a snails pace.
Kennedy breathed hard through his nose, trying hard not to lose it. He couldn’t. Not then. He had to keep going. He listened to quiet shuffling, trying hard not to picture the crawling that he suspected was taking place. It was too pitiful, too harmful. He couldn’t. Not if he was going to walk out of there calmly. And he had to. When he was certain she was in bed, far from the door, Kennedy hauled himself up from the floor. He reflected on how many times in his younger years that he longed to be alone, those guilty thoughts that wondered if he could have pushed fatherhood off until he was good and ready. And he realized he was never going to be ready. Ever. Because now that he was older, he’d gotten that wish. He was totally alone. And it was the worst feeling in the goddamn world.
