post-argument, “Listen, I know it’s hard, but I’m not going anywhere.” for Torunn and Taavi
drabble game prompts | @dadrunkwriting
TWs for a flashback to domestic abuse.
Peace Offering
It was a really stupid argument. She would have been better off not getting involved at all. But it was early and she was still half-asleep, and Mother Giselle had been getting on every single one of her nerves. So when she caught sight of Taavi beyond the doorway of the Chantry, effing and blinding at Solas while the latter was examining his hands, something inside Torunn snapped like dried-out bow hair. She was pushing past Mother Giselle before she really knew what she was doing, and she made a beeline for the pair.
“Oi!” she yelled, when she got close. “Don’t you dare speak to him like that, especially when he’s trying to help ya!”
Solas turned, a hand raised to stop her – presumably, he was about to say something reasonable and helpful like “please, Torunn, I’m handling this.” Taavi got in before him.
“Stay out of my business, Torunn!” he shouted.
Which, of course, only made her bristle harder. “Seriously? You’re screaming loud enough to scare grown men in Nevarra and I’m getting in your business?”
Solas, to his credit, tried again to salvage the situation. “There is no need for either of you to…”
“First him, now you. Does everyone want a say in how I use my magic?” Taavi raged on.
“Who’s ‘him?’ The cat’s uncle?”
“Taavi, please. I need to finish treating your hands,” Solas insisted.
“Forget my fucking hands!” Taavi threw his hands up, and it sent her back.
Are you doing this on purpose, or are you just a stupid bitch? Do you think I wanted to hit you?
She was lost in the memory, for…she has no idea how long, actually. Eventually, she squeezed her eyes shut – you’re not there any more, Torunn – but by the time she came back to herself, Taavi had stormed off into the snow.
*****
It doesn’t take Torunn long to cool off. She’s a midwife, after all. You don’t get far in that line of work if you can’t keep your head. She takes people through the most painful and frightening things most of them will ever experience – harsh words and name-calling are as much occupational hazards as getting shat on by the patients. It takes her a lot longer to shake of Solas’ concerned questioning, and even longer to find Taavi. He probably needs some time, but equally, the way the argument ended was…not ideal. She can just apologize, hope he accepts it, and leave him to his business.
She finds him on the rickety old jetty, out on the other side of the lake. Smart move, honestly – it’s the perfect place to go if you need space, but don’t want the risk of being out of sight. It’s also not too far to carry over a tray of tea and sweet rolls from the tavern.
He’s…not in a good way. He’s hunched over, face buried in his hands, and hauling in deep, but shaky breaths. Torunn sets the tray down, and moves to sit beside him. He startles, slightly. When he looks at her, it’s obvious that he’s been crying – his eyes are red and irritated, and there are trails drying on his cheeks. Torunn’s heart aches. “Here. I brought tea,” she says, gruffly. “Get that down you.”
“I’m…” He swallows, hard. “I’m surprised you came. After how I acted, I expected you wouldn’t want to talk to me for a long time.”
She almost laughs. “Taavi, mate, I’m a midwife. I spend half my life getting shouted at.”
The reassurance doesn’t seem to work. He turns his gaze back to the frozen water below, and stays silent. “Do you want me to leave?” she asks.
Taavi turns to stare at her, for a moment, before he says, “no. I just…thank you, for still wanting to be around me.”
Well, that hurts even more.
“Don’t be daft,” she says, because she has to say something, but beyond that, she has no idea what.
There’s a long pause, full of distinctly uncomfortable silence, before Taavi speaks again. “I hate this.” She doesn’t really know what to say to that, so she just nods, and he goes on. “As much as I’m glad to not be Tranquil any more, I hate this. I get angry, or sad, or scared so easily, and it’s not just a little bit. I can only apologise so many times for blowing up at people before they stop believing me. But…I’m trying. Solas is helping me with…techniques.”
Torunn nods. “He’s alright, that Solas. Bit up his own arse. But then, if I knew that much, I’d probably be up my own arse.”
“He’s so helpful,” Taavi insists, “and I’ve grown to enjoy his stories. Even if I don’t understand half of what he’s talking about, his voice is relaxing…” He trails off, blushing furiously. “I must sound like a smitten village girl.”
He does, a little bit, but she’d never say so. “Seems like he’s more useful than me, at least,” she says, instead. “It probably looked like I was blanking you. That would piss me off and all.”
Taavi shakes his head. “Sometimes not reacting helps. Solas doesn’t react to my outbursts. When he does, he’s calm.”
He glances at the tray of tea. He looks like he wants to take something, but he doesn’t. If she knew what he was after, she’d get it for him. Instead, she takes her own cup, and offers him her free hand. Taavi takes it – his hand is surprisingly warm, probably from hunching over and holding it against his body – but not before collecting his own cup.
“I am sorry, for blowing up on you,” he says. “You didn’t deserve that.”
“Taavi…I’m not gonna say I get it, because I don’t,” she begins. She has no fucking clue what he’s going through, and that should have been enough to shut her up this morning. “I am going to say that, I know you’re doing your best. And even in the time I’ve known you, you’ve been getting better. So whatever happens, however bad it is sometimes, I’m not going anywhere.”
Taavi finally takes a tentative sip of his tea, and frowns down at it.
“Is it that cold out here?”
“It’s pretty cold out,” Torunn agrees. “Why?”
“I was expecting the tea to be hotter,” he says.
Oh. Shit. “I put a dash of cold water in,” she admits. “I didn’t want you to burn your tongue on top of everything else.”
Taavi smiles, and Torunn really thinks he might be about to start crying again. “Thank you.”
“You’re alright, mate,” she replies. She lifts her cup a little higher. “Here’s to blowing up less.”
He taps his cup to hers. “Blowing up less,” he agrees, and drains his cup in one.
a spicy commission I did for @lindsmorr of her Taavi Lavellan and my boy Mahanon Lavellan having a good time. Thank you for your patience with my nitpicking <3.
“What a strange day that the hunter has now become the hunted, having the Dread Wolf by the ears. Though it is safer to let him go than face the baring teeth, but justice would never be served...”
Commission of @lindsmorr‘s Taavi Lavellan in serious mode. Thank you so much for your support <3333.
#5 Are they scared of magic?Neither Taavi nor Zae are scared of it. Their father was the clan’s Second and, though he was killed when they were pretty young, they both thought they’d also be mages (Zaerin for a bit longer than was reasonable). #10 Do they have a major goal or an agenda in their life?Zaerin wanted to be the Second, but when he didn’t end up inheriting their father’s magic, he settled into the role of hunter. After the incident and becoming Inquisitor, things are changing a bit quick for Zae and he is less sure about having a leadership role than he was when he was little. The part where it involves humans calling him the Herald of Andraste does not help.Taavi is shy and not ambitious. He just wanted to be a part of the clan, but his injury made that complicated for him since he thought he’d be a hunter like their mother. He loves the halla (and they like him), but he still struggles with his feelings about whether or not he’s useless.#13 Does your character have an opinion on blood magic?Xen distrusts demons and spirits alike, especially after his experiences at the Circle (and Fade with Sloth), but has never viewed magic of any kind as inherently bad. Since blood magic is often associated with demons, he might keep an extra eye on someone using it, but he’d also keep an extra eye on someone who likes brewing poisons. If he trusts the person doing it, he’s usually not concerned.
This drabble is in response to artwork done by @tyrantlavellan of her Mahanon Lavellan and my Taavi Lavellan. (Please go and look at it and all her artwork it is amazing) This takes place in some faraway alternative universe, the darkest timeline with the forbidden OTP. 😂😂😂
Mahanon and Ives belong to @tyrantlavellan and Taavi and Vesryn are mine!
-------------------------------------------
Taavi felt sick. He was sure the churning nausea and guilt in his stomach would crawl up and out of his throat. A head was pillowed on his chest,an unfamiliar arm tossed over his hips. Shifting towards the side of the bed he tried desperately to move without waking the other occupant of the bed.
"Mmm, Ives stop moving." A sleep roughened voice mumbled.
Taavi froze while the head on his chest and the body beside him snuggled closer. His eyes burned, he willed his tears not to fall. How? How could he have done this? Poor Ives, and Vesryn. The love of his life.
His head spun, whispered and hushed warnings of a new friend not what he seemed rushed through his mind.
Despite the hangover he could feel behind his eyes, he could recall the previous night with perfect clarity instead of hazy and blank memories someone might expect. No, perfect recollection of his mistakes was clearly his punishment. Not to mention the downfall when the others found out.
Taavi and Vesryn had fought about Mahanon before Vesryn left for his latest mission.
"You don't get it," Vesryn had said. "The kindness, the sweet words. That's an act only for you."
Taavi had shook his head,"You're being paranoid, he's just being friendly. We're all on the same side here we should get along!"
"You don't see the way he looks at you when you're not watching."
Taavi frowned, "That's enough Vesryn. I'm not a child, I don't need you to coddle me, I can judge someone's character for myself."
Vesryn laughed without humor, "Taavi you are without a doubt the worst judge of character. I know I'm not the first to approach you about this, but I thought you would listen to me at least." He placed a hand on Taavi's cheek.
Taavi stepped out of reach,"Jealousy doesn't suit you at all Vesryn."
"Believe what you want then Taavi, this won't be the first time your naiveté and belief that everyone is as good as you will hurt you."
Still bristling about his argument with Vesryn, Taavi had met with Mahanon that night for celebratory drinks. New requisitions, new allies, more battles won.
Taavi could already feel the sweet wine rushing to his head, and it didn't look like Mahanon was faring much better. They were sharing a couch in the Inquisitor's quarters. Taavi could only imagine what Vesryn would have to say about that.
"Something wrong friend?" Mahanon poked between his eyebrows, "you're scowling. Trouble in paradise?"
Taavi sighed, "I fought with Vesryn before he left this afternoon."
Taavi glanced at Mahanon, they were friends. Both eleves out of their element and surrounded by humans. Taavi felt a kinship with him almost immediately, surely he could just ask.
Mahanons cheeks were flushed, Taavi was sure his were too. He tossed back the rest of his drink.
"Vesryn thinks you aren't genuine with me. That you want something from me." Taavi looked anywhere but into Mahanon's eyes. "He says you look at me."
Taavi was sure Mahanon would deny it, reassure him that wasn't the case. And Taavi would laugh it off with Vesryn and make up the best way they knew how.
"Maybe. Maybe I do look at you."
Taavi fumbled his wine glass.
Mahanon chuckled, "Clumsy, it's so cute. Everything about you is precious."
"Then.. if that's true what about the rest?"
"Oh Taavi, I swear it, every word I've ever said to you is the truth. I know Vesryn and I don't get on, maybe he's just seeing things he wants to see because he hates my guts. Just because we're being friendly." Mahanon shifted closer, "really he should trust you more. Let you judge me for yourself. I won't deny I look at you, but how can anyone blame me? Especially Vesryn."
Taavi could feel himself blushing to the roots of his hair.
Mahanon skated his fingers across Taavi's cheek, "See what I mean? So precious."
Taavi's voice was shaky, "Well I- I mean, thank you. But what about Ives, I thought you two were together."
The laugh that came out of Mahanon was tinged with bitterness and made Taavi jump. "We aren't together." And he said no more then that.
Taavi's head was pleasantly foggy the wine making his body hot. A thigh was pressed against his, maybe the wine wasn't solely to blame for the heat. Would it really be so bad, so terrible if he looked at Mahanon too.
A leg shifted across his thighs quickly followed by a warm body.
"It's okay to be selfish once in a while. These are dangerous times, who knows what could happen next. I could die, you could." Mahanon leaned in, their lips almost brushing. "Would it really be so bad to just, indulge?"
Even with the memory intact, Taavi couldn't say who closed the distance.
His hands clenched on Mahanon's hips, Mahanon buried his hands in Taavi's hair. Mahanon pulled and Taavi couldn't stop the gasp that escaped him.
Mahanon pulled back a smirk on his face, "Oh? Did you like that, I wouldn't have pegged you for a little pain."
Taavi stood, holding Mahanon tightly while he wrapped his legs around Taavi's waist and leaned back in.
The walk to the bed was short, but the rest of the night was long. Taavi can see himself astride Mahanon's hips, fingers leaving bruises on his hips. Can still feel the breath pushed out of his lungs and into the pillow by Mahanons thrusts. The messy clash of their mouths while they found their ends together.
Taavi's stomach revolts. Panic spurs him into motion. He stumbles on a piece of clothing, he doesn't know whose. He steadfastly ignores the voice behind him. He grabs a blanket unceremoniously tossed onto the couch, wraps it around himself and runs as fast as his legs can carry him.
Though he doesn't deserve it, luck is with him and he makes it back to his room without being spotted. Once the door closes he doubles over and retches. His eyes and throat burn.
As quickly as it came on it ends and he stumbles over to his own bed. A mistake.
He is quickly assaulted by the smell of his partner, his best friend.
The pain is unbearable. The guilt overpowering. He wants to blame Mahanon, the wine. But he knows he has no one to blame but himself.
@tyrantlavellan you'll take this self indulgent fluff and you will like it!!
😘😘😘
-----------------------------
Taavi woke up first. Mahanon was a warm comfort resting with his head on Taavi's chest and his body molded to his side.
Mahanon said he was in love with him.
Taavi could hardly believe it. Part of him wondered if it was another lie. A tantalizing lure to bring him back to Mahanon, to warm his bed and fight his battles.
What a pair they made. Taavi riddled with newfound insecurities and Mahanon practically paralyzed by self-loathing.
Taavi shifted carefully out from underneath Mahanon.
He chose to set up camp in this specific location of Lothering mostly because of the stream. It's calming waters were a peaceful distraction and even better it was warm from the sunshine of the summer season.
He dressed in just his pants and left the tent to head to the stream. It was a beautiful morning the sun was hot but not yet overbearing and enough of a breeze to keep the humidity at bay.
He stopped at the waters edge and slipped his pants off and tossed them to the side.
He waded into the stream until the water reached just above his hips. The water soothed aches in his body from the previous night. He could feel his face flushing, remembering the feeling of being inside Mahanon. He ducked his flaming face under the water.
He straightened back up and took a breath. He never felt quite at peace in bustling cities the way he did being out in nature. He could be happy out here. No destination, no expectations. Just the trees, the water, the warm earth beneath his feet.
He could be happy out here with Mahanon.
He could picture it. Wandering the forest together, exploring. Hunting for their meals, swimming in the waters. Just existing together.
Spending every night together.
It was a nice fantasy. But it could never be their reality.
"What a sight you make."
Taavi jumped and whirled toward the voice.
Mahanon laughed, "I don't manage to sneak up on you very often."
Taavi scowled.
"What were you thinking so intently about anyways?" Mahanon asked.
Taavi stared at Mahanon. His smile, his bedhead and clothes he clearly threw on in a hurry.
"You."
Mahanon started taking his clothes off, "Oh? Tell me more."
"I was thinking we could run away together and live in the forest."
Mahanon walked into the stream, "That sounds tempting."
"We could grow old and grey together. You could rub my feet every night and I'd tell you your still attractive when you've gone all wrinkly."
Mahanon reached Taavi in the stream, "You really know what a man wants to hear."
Mahanon smoothed his hands up Taavi's chest to rest on either side of his neck, "I want to hear more about the parts before we're old and grey."
Taavi held onto Mahanon's hips, "We could go anywhere, everywhere. I could have you every night and you could have me every morning. I would show you all my favourite places from when I was young. Where I first learned to use my bow."
"Taavi.."
Taavi kept going. "I'd show you how to make the tea my brother always made me when I couldn't sleep at night. And anywhere you wanted to take me, I would go. Everywhere, together."
Mahanon leaned his forehead onto Taavi's chest, "I don't deserve you." He whispered.
Taavi wrapped his arms around Mahanon, "I love you."
Mahanon leaned back, "I don't-"
Taavi kissed Mahanon before he could continue.
"I don't want to hear it anymore. I love you, and you're mine now. Whether you think you deserve it or not you great fucking idiot."
That surprised a laugh out of Mahanon, "Is that really how you talk to someone you love?"
"When that someone is you, yes."
Mahanon leaned up to kiss Taavi in return, "I want what you said. I want all of it."
Mahanon put his arms around Taavi's neck, "I know we can't, not really. But today, today let's pretend."
So they did.
They left the stream and returned to camp. Grabbing their weapons and some of the food Taavi has prepared in camp the day before and they left to wander the forest.
They walked side by side, playfully bumping into each other and tangling their fingers together.
They climbed trees like children. Taavi gloating obnoxiously when he beat Mahanon to the top.
They stopped to pick flowers. Taavi tucking one behind Mahanon's ear and declaring him absolutely adorable. Mahanon stalked away, Taavi's laughter following him.
They found another stream and skipped stones.
They stood silent and watched a mother Halla with her new baby.
They talked, and laughed and kissed like teenagers with their first loves.
Taavi wished it would last forever and he knew no matter what else happened to them he would never forget this day.
It was dark when they returned to Taavi's camp.
Taavi led Mahanon by hand into the tent. They fell into bed together as easily as they always did. Mahanon stretched on top of Taavi, feeling him on every inch of his skin. Taavi gripped Mahanon's face and held their foreheads together, "I never want this day to end." There were tears in his eyes.
Mahanon kissed him, "I love you Taavi."
Taavi exhaled, "I love you too."
The night passed in moans and whispered words full of affection. Mahanon astride Taavi's hips, trying to show him what he had difficulty saying with words.
Mahanon on his back with Taavi between his legs.
Mahanon on his stomach.
Taavi on his hands and knees.
Later, collapsed and exhausted they shared desperate kisses with the last of their energy.
Taavi thought his anger would cool the further he got from Mahanon but he was mistaken. He couldn't even remember what had started the argument, it seemed like all they'd done lately was fight.
Mahanon was especially on edge recently. Taavi did his best to be there for him but it was hard, the smallest things set Mahanon off and Taavi was always conveniently there to be on the receiving end of Mahanon's moods.
Taavi knew he wasn't blame free, Mahanon often knew just what to say to get him to react and his temper had got the better of him a few times.
Hence this little trip away from Mahanon.
Taavi didn't want to admit it but he was afraid their fragile relationship would crumble under the strain. He needed a chance to cool off and regroup, to face Mahanon with a cooler head rather then one filled with steam.
There was no better place for self reflection then the place where his life had previously fallen apart Taavi thought bitterly.
The forest outside of Redcliffe where Vesryn had severed their relationship for good, but it was also the place Mahanon had found him and told him he loved him.
He wasn't sure Mahanon even knew what that meant.
Taavi made his way towards the clearing he had made camp in before but froze when he saw someone had already claimed his spot.
A head of long dark hair snapped towards Taavi and piercing eyes he hadn't seen in what felt like ages widened when they saw him.
Taavi was completely shocked, "Vesryn?"
"Taavi, what are you doing here?"
Vesryn looked good, he always did. Even when they were young Vesryn had always turned heads and that hadn't changed as he'd gotten older unlike Taavi whose baby face had followed him into adulthood despite his 6 feet in height.
"I just needed some space, I can leave if-"
"No," Vesryn interuppted "It's fine, you don't have to leave."
Taavi hadn't felt this out of place in a long time, "Okay." He said simply.
Vesryn beckoned him closer, "What did you need space from?"
Taavi approached Vesryn, should he even mention Mahanon? That seemed like a very bad idea, and Taavi had his own questions about Vesryn's intentions towards Mahanon.
"I saw Yukina recently." Taavi said.
"He told me."
Taavi didn't know what to say, he didn't want to deal with this right now. He always left these conversations with more questions then answers.
But it seemed even with the distance that was between them now, Vesryn still knew him.
"We don't have to talk about it, I'm not here to convince you to do anything, in fact I had no idea you'd be here at all."
Taavi let out a breath he didnt realize he was holding, "Okay, good."
Vesryn smiled and folded gracefully to the ground, he tugged Taavi's wrist and encouraged him to sit next to him.
They talked. About nothing important. Taavi could feel the stress melting from his shoulders. He almost felt like he'd been transported through time.
They had spent many days like this before, care free and just together. For just a moment Taavi felt a longing so painful it almost stole his breath, but then it passed as if it had never been there at all.
The sun was just beginning it's descent when Vesryn stood, "I should go."
"I should head back too," Taavi stood.
He had been planning to spend at least one night here but he would rather start the trip back to Skyhold.
"I know I said I wouldn't talk about it, so I'll only say this and no more." Vesryn placed a head on Taavi's shoulder, his thumb just brushing Taavi's neck, "Please be careful, think carefully about who you are placing your loyalty with, and if you would recieve even a modicum of that loyalty in return."
Vesryn pulled his hand back, "You belong with us, and not with him."
With that final statement Vesryn turned and left.
-------------------------------
When Taavi returned to Skyhold, Mahanon had been occupied elsewhere so he went to Mahanon's room to wait for him.
He didn't have to wait long before he heard footsteps coming up the stairs.
Mahanon regarded him coldly, "I didn't expect to see you back here."
Taavi frowned, "What do you mean?"
"Well with your little secret meeting with Vesryn, I assumed that meant you were leaving."
"Secret meeting? I had no idea he would be there and I- wait." Taavi stood from the bed, furious, "did you send someone to spy on me?" He hissed.
Mahanon ignored his question, "So what are you doing back here? Thought you could gather some intel for your boyfriend, maybe it's easier to just let you kill me instead. Would you let me fuck you once more first?" Mahanon smirked, "Just for old times sake."
Taavi watched Mahanon's face morph into something ugly, listened to him accuse Taavi of things that he would never do, and he wondered what he had ever saw in Mahanon.
Mahanon continued, "Did you let Vesryn fuck you before you came back here? Bet you begged him for it." He laughed, "I knew you'd turn on me, I knew-"
"Shut the fuck up!" Taavi yelled and watched with satisfaction as Mahanon's mouth snapped shut.
"You stupid fucking idiot!" Taavi stared at Mahanon. "What more can I do to prove to you that I'm on your side, that I'm always on your side?"
Taavi approached Mahanon, using his added height to tower over him, "I'm so sick of this! I won't let you accuse me of things you know I wouldn't do just because of your own insecurities!"
Mahanon tried to speak but Taavi cut him off, "No! No you don't get to talk! Your so full of self loathing you think it's impossible for someone to actually love you, to be there for you, well I do!"
"But I won't take this anymore! Whatever made you like this I'm sorry I really am and I've done everything I can to prove to you that I'm different, and if what I've done isn't enough then I don't know what more I can do."
Taavi tried to take a steadying breath but his hands still shook and his voice was wavering, "You push me away. All you do is push me away, and then expect that I'll just be there anyways. I can't know what's going on in your head unless you tell me. And I- I deserve better then this."
Taavi started walking to the door but turned to face Mahanon one last time before leaving, "If you need me for a mission, for protection, I'll be there. But I won't let you hurt me anymore, just because you're afraid of your own emotions."
"Figure your shit out Mahanon, cause I'm not going to take it anymore."
Taavi didn't give Mahanon a chance to reply, and left the room.
