#talking through it

[hiii632356777]

i want to talk a girl though it and not need anything in return, i just wanna please someone else 😩

[ecclecticgamergirl]

"I want to curse you with an eternally filled womb. I desire to hear you in this pleasure pain every day.~ Every time you are about to be done I make you just swell... with more..." His breath becomes loud. As he said this his hand went under his slut, rubbing their distended body. "Your hollers of pain and pleasure, drooling in a haze of lust, just sunken in the pressure... The contracting waves crashing in your body as gravity's tug on you begs you to fall... I have so many thoughts like these. I could go on."

-Shit I said as a character during roleplay

[killervibe]

Am I still going to watch the flash? Yes for WestAllen absolutely. But I had always watched the Flash as seeing Killervibe & Westallen as parallels because they have served as parallels to each storyline for seven whole seasons. It really is a loss for me, to see half of the heart of the relationships for that sweet 4 core there gone.

Not to mention that Cisco was Barry’s best friend. Now that Ralph is also out of the picture, Barry doesn’t have anyone who understands what he went through since s1 except for Iris and it just once again shows how disappointing the show has been in highlighting the relationships and hero-partner dynamics between Vibe and The Flash. Ralph was leveraged in way too early when Cisco had always been right there.

Assuming that Kamilla is leaving with Cisco, it goes to show again that her character served to prop him up and not to be a genuine fleshed out friend for Iris. Really, it’s all just so sad.

[that-classy-bastard]

I’m finding that I don’t like this time of year. I now realize that I like the idea of what this time of year used to be. The thought of the mysticism around Yule; family close, the hopes of a white Christmas, even though I’ve always lived in the Pacific Northwest. The twinkling of lights, seeing A Christmas Carol, telling Santa what I wanted for Christmas from him and then getting food in some mall food court.

The older I’ve gotten, I’m realizing that I’m very stuck in my past. Reliving the things I’ve done, what I’ll never get to do again, loves lost to time. This time of year can still be magical, but it takes a lot more energy now, more than I have to offer. I’ve always believed that this time of year is far more about being with family and friends, than it is about the gifts. It’s a cliche, but I truly believe it. Evidently though, I’m working 40 to 50 hours a week right now. Just a matter of hours between shifts, with just enough time to get 2 hours of sleep. Just to make enough money to barely scrape by after buying food, and paying rent.

I’d give a lot, maybe everything, to go back. To wake up and be four years old again, to remember all of my learned lessons, to do everything differently. I would find certain people sooner, protect them, do everything in my power to build solid lives earlier with people who I greatly enjoy having now. Make different decisions to keep the magic from youth alive so it never fades to lukewarm memories. Have it grow, so that there was always safety, love, and reassurance for everyone I care about. For I wouldn’t make the same mistakes twice.

The nostalgia of the good times is what reminds us about the horrors that we live in today. Wishing for a chance to go to a simpler time, without care, worry, and fear. Feeding into the monstrous pit that is depression. We say it will be better next year, but the next years brings natural disasters, genocide, the cost of living rising to historic highs. Yet we find a way.

I think this year for Christmas, I’m going to get myself a present. Not a physical one, but one that’s on going, a resolve for the next Christmas. To actually make sure that the next one will actually be better. That there will be no want, no worry, no fear, and to have nothing but happiness and the warmth of love. All I want this year is to actually make that happen, and not to lose sight of that goal no matter how hard it gets. I’ve already done things now that I will regret for the rest of my life. I want to do everything I can to make amends for as far as I can, reforging the bonds that I once had.

Next Christmas, I will make the best ever.

[melinatednelevated]

I feel I haven't had a serious heart to heart in a long time... Something about being able to vent and get it all out and have someone talk me through it helps so much. Trying to sleep it off doesn't work anymore.

[oh-chickie]

Had a good therapy session today. I think. Maybe. I don't know. I had a small breakthrough about my control issues. Like not as in I'm a control freak but like. There are some permanent relationships in my life that I have no control in. And there have been temporary ones that I had no control in. They leave me feeling helpless and alone and sad. So I started taking control away from other people. And it felt good to be in complete control for a while. But then it got? I dunno, boring? When someone does and says and thinks exactly what you tell them to, you start to resent them. Having all the control means having the responsibility. Suddenly you have to maneuver your life and theirs. And with you, I felt balanced out. I felt like I had enough control but I wasn't "in charge." I wasn't powerless and neither were you. I thought that we both had some measure of influence in each other's lives. But that last decision you made to leave? There was nothing I could do to sway you. To get you to ever even consider another way. I felt helpless. It felt like a betrayal of some kind. You didn't hear me when it mattered most. I was just? Voiceless. And so I kept screaming and crying and clinging onto you, desperate for you to hear me. For you to give me back some control. And you didn't and that made me feel worse. I needed to know that I had some kind of power. But I kept getting the door slammed in my face. And it hurt so much. Acting casual and pretending that it was my idea too made it so much worse. I couldn't stand it. So I'd lash out even harder. I'm just desperate for some control. I've lost control of so many relationships this last year. I just wanted to feel heard. I wanted to feel like I mattered to you. I wanted to feel cared about and loved. I wanted the equal exchange to continue. I wanted you to reach out to me for once. That was longer than I'd intended it to be. But yeah. My breakthrough was basically that it wasn't my fault, what happened to us. And it wasn't really your fault either. But it stills hurts. And my therapist says I should stop pretending to not be sad or upset or angry. That it just sets me back in the grieving process. And I know that I'm taking a lot longer than some people do to deal with this. But in order for me to love and care so strongly, I have to be able to experience the lows too. And that's just who I am.

[oh-chickie]

lmao nevermind feeling better today the panic attack has come at me full force i hate this why am i so fucked up this is why no one wants to be around me all i do is freak out and panic and overreact im so fucking sick of this i cant fucking believe that this shit is still getting to me its been fucking 6 goddamn months everyone else is moved on and happy and im still here fucking constantly hurting and my favorite person is gone and no one else can make it better and why the fuck does this keep happening why cant i just be fucking normal for a fucking minute and not lose my shit every time something happens how is anyone ever going to actually love me for real if im freaking out this badly for this long. why wasnt i fucking good enough. i gave fucking everything i had and i gave what i didnt fucking have. i tried so fucking hard. but no, i had to be an emotionally toxic shit storm and nobody could fucking handle it and i lost my mind and you said such mean things to me and i cant stop repeating them over and over in my mind because you knew when you said them that you were hurting me. you were doing it on purpose. its easier for you to get through your fucking day if you think im angry at you instead of agonizing over how much i fucking miss you. so you tried to spoil and tarnish all of the memories and feelings and you’ve broken my heart with what you said and the way you looked at me how could you look at me like that. how could you suddenly turn around and say the opposite of everything you’d convinced me of for the last year? i trusted you. i loved you. and i believed you when you said you loved me. i dont know which part to believe and it kills me because we were supposed to be here for each other and be friends and be okay but instead i got lost in all of my fucking heartbreak and you somehow managed to move on so seamlessly. you were so fucking convincing. crying and saying how hard it was for you to leave. you really had me. but no, you were over it for months before that werent you? whats the ufcking truth. this was the one purely good and happy thing in my life and now all i can think about when i remember it is that it might not have even been real. the best year of my life might have been an illusion. how can you treat me like this after everything we’ve been through and all the experiences we’ve shared and.. i dont need oyu to come bac to me i just want the truth. please i need the fucking truth