So, someone I was fucking with recently told me I was SO AWKWARD and it hurt my dam feelings. I’m currently bothered by it because it’s an insecurity of mine?
There are two things to this:
1. He had cause a major betrayal with me and after that we argued constantly. When I did see him in person, I was still angry , uncertain and sad. But I never wanted to ruin the moment with the conversations we should’ve been having in person cause i knew he would make me feel bad. So I stayed quiet a lot and I’m sure it came off as awkward. Before the betrayal I was 100% myself and felt so comfortable with him (which was a miracle because I had just came out of a long as traumatic depressive episode due to sexual assault) being comfortable in intimate settings with the opposite sex was so dam hard before him, so I was extremely happy. Him saying I was awkward around him forced me to realize that once the trust broke , so did the.  comfortability. Hard pill to swallow. That to me meant that I was completely ignoring my own feels just to be with him and feel “loved”. I wasn’t putting myself first at all.
2. Sometimes I get really anxious because I don’t want to be awkward or the boring friend. When I’m at an event and I see a friend I didn’t know was coming, sometimes I get so nervous because I feel like I kinda have to “entertain” them? Like I have to make sure they have a good time and if I don’t then something is wrong. Sometimes I feel like I should be saying something when it gets quiet, I should dance more, drink a little more, ask more questions, be engaging, and yadda yadda. When all I wanna do sometimes is just be quiet and enjoy what’s happening around me.
Picture of me at tonight’s event where I was anxious at times. But I made it! Met some kool people, happy I went. My social battery is on the charger as we speak.
