[ #1 ] yearly reflections
▋ ▋ ▋ ▋ ▋ lately daejeon had come to feel like a necessity, while berlin remained a treat -- something nostalgic and grand. luckily his sister agreed, and before they knew it they were on a plane heading to germany. she was up to her ears in assignments and desperately needed a change of not only scenery, but culture as well. and the same applied to sam, but for different reasons. ever since he moved back to south korea he could only deal with the country in small doses if he wanted to stay sane. so whenever he got some time off he usually packed his bags and left for his second home, however brief of a visit. and since christmas was spent with their mother, the siblings could easily justify spending new years eve with their father when they purchased the last-minute tickets.
▋ ▋ ▋ ▋ ▋ ’with their father’, they said. but even so they ended up just the two of them in a pub. or outside a pub: if there was something they loved about germany, it was their tradition of using the outdoor seating all year round. and it was new years eve, so they’d have front row seats to see the fireworks later on. but most of all they loved to talk german in a place where they didn’t automatically turn heads by doing so, and sam donned a wide smile when he heard the word ‘bier’ somewhere over his head before his sister put the two pints of beer down. “bottoms up!” she merrily exclaimed. since he became disabled sam had to watch how much he drank if he wanted to make it to the men’s room without an accident, but in the past they always chugged the first pint to establish the hierarchy sibling-wise for the remainder of the night. but even so the vocal ‘bottoms up’ was still alive and well.
▋ ▋ ▋ ▋ ▋ ”okay...” she hummed in thought. “the worst part about 2015 has to be school, i mean jesus fucking christ." sam took small, repetitive sips of his beer as he listened to her (well-deserved) rant about university as a whole. it was ridiculous and he agreed wholeheartedly. he had never quite liked the education system in south korea, and he often wondered why he couldn’t have just gone to school in germany instead. he felt like a lot of what he went through in the past could’ve been prevented that way. but if there’s one thing therapy had taught him, it was to leave the past where it belonged: at the back of his head, easily accessible if he wanted to dwell on it and drown in ‘what if’s... okay, let’s just say the lesson hadn’t quite sunken in yet. when she reached for her own pint sam took that as his cue to start, and he ran his index finger up and down the surface of the glass in mild concentration. he had to try and rank his ‘worsts’, because a lot of things popped into his head when he opened that particular door. the question was what had truly been bad, and what he had made worse by overthinking it. surprisingly he had nothing negative to say about his physical disability anymore, and that was quite big. but they where still on the ‘worst’ part, so he stuck with that. “the nightmares...” he tried, as if taking the words in his mouth would confirm that he had chosen the greater of many evils. “i think the nightmares has been the worst part of 2015. i got the night terrors somewhat under control, but the nightmares took their place. it’s like i’m not designed to get a proper night’s sleep: i’m not allowed to.”
▋ ▋ ▋ ▋ ▋ ″your turn to start.” sam nodded and swept the last of his second pint. “sure. let’s see...” he reached for the peanuts and took a handful, then he proceeded to put one after the other in his mouth. “hm. the best thing about 2015...” this was a bit more tricky. he usually didn’t think about, or more likely acknowledge, the positive nearly as often as the negative. what had been good about this year? or more likely, what had been the best? he had done some breakthroughs in therapy, but was that really an accomplishment? correction: was that really an accomplishment he wanted to share with his sister? he didn’t want her to know that he struggled in therapy to begin with, that’d only make her worry more. no, he had to think of something else. school was pretty good. things had finally gotten interesting project-wise, and he was learning a lot of useful techniques. he was optimistic for the future, but that was hardly the best of 2015. it was nice, but it wasn’t relevant. “have patience with me.” he giggled and chucked a peanut at her when she pointed out that he was slow as a snail. moving on, then. what else had been good enough to share? ah, fuck it. he couldn’t think of anything else. “okay. the best thing about 2015 was that i became happier. i think. i’ve had more fun than i’ve had since... shit, since forever, i guess. so, you know...” sam had focused on the last few peanuts in his palm as he rambled. when he trailed off and looked up he was met with his sister’s grinning face, and wasn’t her eyes unusually watery? “aw, come one.” he huffed and chucked the last of the peanuts at her, but he couldn’t hide the tug at the corner of his lips. he was lucky that she loved him as much as he loved her, and he was happy that she could finally share in his joy as opposed to his endless sorrow.
▋ ▋ ▋ ▋ ▋ five pints and three toilet breaks later and he was rightfully buzzed and excited for the new year to come: only fifteen minutes left, and he could hardly wait. “how about the bridge?” his sister had returned after paying for their little outing, and now she wrapped her gloved hands around the handles of the wheelchair. he was a wobbly drunk, and they both knew that -- which is why sam accepted the help without any fuss. “yeah, that’d be great.” while this was their first new years eve spent in berlin, they had heard enough stories from friends and relatives to know where the fireworks looked the prettiest. it was give or take a ten minute walk from where they started, so they wouldn’t miss it. “how about new years resolutions: you got any this year?” sam reached down to tuck in a stray corner of the blanket in his lap when the breeze caught it. last december had been pretty rough on him, and he hadn’t even bothered to humor the thought of making resolutions that he didn’t care whether or not he kept in the first place. and now, when he was in a much better state, he still felt pretty ‘meh’ about the entire thing. “nah.” he craned his neck to look up at her. “not really. unless i can get away with ‘sleep better’.” he gave a neutral sigh and let his head lull forward again. “but that’s just wishful thinking at this rate.”
▋ ▋ ▋ ▋ ▋ when they reached the bridge they joined the other people currently gathered there, and with a handful of ‘excuse me’s his sister landed them a pretty good place right by the railing. berlin was beautiful at night, breathtakingly so. he felt a pang of pain in his chest as he truly acknowledged how gorgeous it was, and how he wasn’t living there anymore. he missed his life in germany from the bottom of his heart. his sister reached down to give his shoulder a gentle squeeze, but before he could tell her that he was fine she just shushed him with a smile. and within seconds he realized that he did the same. with a quiet laugh he looked ahead again, anticipation yet again rushing through his veins. 10, 9, 8... the arms that suddenly wrapped around his neck came as a surprise, but he welcomed her warmth and comfort. “i’ve got a resolution for you.” she whispered in his ear. 7, 6, 5... “yeah?” 4, 3, 2... “keep on smiling.” 1. the hitch in his throat was timed with the first firework that reached for the sky and exploded with grace. after that they just kept coming, and sam noticed how it all blurred into a sea of colors. when the first tear fell he had to reach up and take her hand. she responded by hugging him closer with her free arm, and planting a gentle kiss against the back of his head. he loved her so much. and just like that he realized that he did have a resolution to make: ‘let her love you back’.