Hey guys! It's been… quite some time. I know, I said things were getting better but then… they didn’t. If I’m being honest, sharing what I’m about to share is quite embarrassing for me, but I deem it a necessary step for me to keep moving forward and… help myself out rather than presenting an excuse at my absence or whatever it might be looked like. I think it will help me to address it properly and... Stop bottling it. Still, I love many of you and it won’t hurt to know some could get to understand what’s going on with me lately, I know I worried many people and I’m sorry, I truly am.
Well, during recent months I’ve been increasingly aware of my decaying mental condition but I pushed through in the hope of it getting better with time. I was mistaken. Too many things happened in a flash along with the robbery at my mom’s place and tumbled my precariously balanced mental stability sending me into an anxiety disorder pit.
Sadly, my family hasn’t been exactly supportive, they don’t understand my struggle and in their hope to “right me”, they took actions resulting in unknowingly encouraging me to commit self-sabotage and regrettably, self-harm. Both things I didn’t realize I was doing until it was too late and I rendered myself unable to walk due to a muscle strain, the pain is less now but it still makes some movements rather hurtful. Yeah, it totally backfired.
My family thinks depression and anxiety are fleeting, ignorant of the festering reality underneath. And they normalize and underplay my concerns making things even worse because… surprise! I end up believing them and I actually just manage to get things worse! Talking to them have been the hardest and sometimes I give up on that. Between them not being exactly open to listening and my own need to pretend that I’m fine, we weren’t able to get too far.
I don’t think I’ll be getting medical help since medical attention in my country is private and I might only afford my other medical needs (That are sadly making my anxiety just grow), namely: dental care, long overdue surgery and a check regarding a recent anomaly on my skin alongside any procedure I might have to take to treat it.
I’ve been doing my best since I realized my condition but I can’t help but think I have been approaching it from the wrong side, and I’m honestly lost at what to do even if I’m creating sort of an action plan, I can’t help but doubt myself. To me, this is embarrassing. Even knowing I have reasons to feel discouraged, angry, lonely and confused. I feel like a people pleaser doormat, who will just nod and agree with whatever is thrown my way just to avoid a fight I know I don’t feel strong-willed enough to win. I’m constantly scared of the simplest things and I don’t know how to stop it. And I know I have shamelessly run from some things several times already just to avoid the almost constant nausea my anxiety causes me.
At least now I recognize when something has triggered me! At the start of this mess, I really thought I had a stomach bug or something. Until now, I had never experienced anxiety so strong that would make my stomach twist, my heart race, and my throat tighten making me what? Mute and complying? Even simply breathing became hard at times! Although restless nights weren’t exactly a new development, it was quite some time since the last time I was unable to sleep. And I’m guessing all those things are due to my newfound anxiety. If I’m mistaken, well, I’m no expert.
Ah, and I thought I actually understood this disorder before. I never expected it to be so crippling!
Still, I have been trying my best, recognizing the anxiety itself was the hardest, discovering its origins was half as hard. Now I’m tackling it in a way that I think might work and hopefully be the right way? I’m finally seeing some results: my nausea is not so constant, even if I’m feeling ill just by writing this. I’ve been putting my foot down frequently, rejecting almost every favor I’m asked to fulfill and ignoring any guilt trip they try to send my way, it’s incredibly hard! But I have succeeded for a whole week, I can manage this second week and forward! I believe in me. I have just been accepting if it’s something related to work... Shut up, I call it progress!
And I’m planning to return to things slowly. I want to do so much, return to projects so much. But I know it’s not going to be easy and I’ll feel worthless/useless most of the time. I’m totally at the “This is so shitty” stage when I look at my own work. Or I take twice as much time to do one thing. But I’m determined. Now that I have recognized the problem for what it is, I’m going to get back to the things and people I love and do my best to sink the discouraging words I’ve been told that keeps repeating in my mind like an infestation.
Now, with newfound determination, I feel brave enough to ask for a bed. Yes, a bed. Because since moving back to this place almost a whole year ago, losing every ounce of independence I used to have, that I don’t have a room, nor a bed. But I’ve been dreaming about getting something like a Japanese futon to put under my computer desk and just… just know where I’ll lay and rest every night instead of searching and discarding beds or couches every new day.
Aah, now I fear my petition is going to be rejected but I have to try!
Wish me luck, guys.
I love ya’ll and I miss ya’ll.
I had one successful week and more to come, I can feel it this time.
I know I’m not telling everything but I don’t think I need to, even if I feel how they are… eating me from the inside. They are just details I rather bury and focus on what’s important to me: Getting my sh*t together and do what I really want! Getting back to normal! Even if I’m not sure what normal is anymore… But you get the point! Getting better!
