#team crackhead

[tora-the-cat]

Tsunade invents HRT and plays with hormone outputs in orochimaru as pre-pubescent mad scientists. wow tsunade great idea i'm sure this will not create the most fucked up about their gender person in the world

[helantigone]

Sakura gets hyperfixated on ocular medical science and the village gets high key worried she's entering her Orochimaru Arc after Sasuke left her to raise HIS clan heir like two weeks ago.....like she has COMPLETE access to the sharringan. And everone's like 'oh, no, she would never', but once upon a time neither would Orochimaru, right? So everyone's on their toes around her. And they can't help but notice that she....is spending a SUSPICIOUS amount of time with Orochimaru himself.. but also Kabuto, so it's fine right? Right??? So Tsunade is trying to drink herself into not having a panic attack and Kakashi is trying to contact Sasuke to get him back to the village STAT, Meanwhile Sakura is oblivious to everyone's panic.. she's just trying to figure out how to grow secondary semi-transparent eyelids like snakes have, so she can see without wanting to set the hospital on fire because the lights are very very bright and overstimulating. Orochimaru ABSOLUTELY knows what's going on (its hard not to when tsunade broke his door down to scream at him) but he's messy and thinks it's really funny. He's right

[tora-the-cat]

An interesting little fun thing with team 7 is that you assume that Sakura's gonna, like, woobify and simplify Sasuke by putting him on a pedastal,cause her goal is centered around him and shes a 12 y/o fangirl so like of course her understanding of him is skewed cause she doesnt see him as a person, just an object of affection, right? She's can't get Sasuke, can't imprint on and/or traumabond with him like Naruto and Kakashi do. They don't see him with rose tinted glasses, because they've lived through their own Horrors and empathize with Sasuke's experience.

......right?

WRONG lmao!! They have too many ghosts!! Naruto's single-minded codependent ass won't get out of his own way long enough to see Sasuke for who he actually is, only able to empathize with the parts of his trauma Naruto relates to and not really capable of understanding him outside of the context of himself (because Sasuke is. His other half). And Kakashi is far too jaded to be fair to him!! He can't decide if Sasuke is gonna end up as a mini-him or a mini-Obito or maybe a mini-Itachi, but either way he ALSO is too traumatized to see Sasuke AS SASUKE.

meanehile SAKURA'S autistic ass may have dogshit empathy, but you know what she does have? A special interest in sasuke. Nothing better to do then give herself a degree in Uchihaisms. She can write character studies about him. she can read his soul. Whenever she says something about him she is right. Every fucking time! She is RIGHT!!!!

'sasuke would NOT compliment me this directly or explicitly express worry unprompted, especially if it gets in the way of his goals' correct.

'Sasuke shouldn't hide that curse on his neck its not healthy BUT if I tell anyone about it he'll never trust me again, which might be even more dangerous for him then the curse mark. Like he can probably handle the curse mark but no one else can stop him from ripping peoples arms off.' correct.

Speaking of! 'Sasuke would not hurt me even when he seems to be...possessed? whatever the only way to knock him out of it is to present myself as Alive and thus something to be protected rather then something to be avenged, because he gets really stuck in his own head about revenge' CORRECT

'hey so um. like. Sasuke's gonna leave Konoha. I'm not sure anything can stop him at this point and honestly I'm kinda starting to doubt anything should, so the only thing I could possibly do to help him at this point is ALSO defect.' CORRECT!!!!

[tora-the-cat]

Sasuke, immediately after getting the curse-mark: You guys don't understand. It's in my head, it's linked to my emotions, it knows what I want, but it's not ME, it's evil and wretched and angry and-

Sakura, trying to be comforting: It's okay Sasuke-kun. You'll be okay. Everyone has something like that. It's really annoying and kind of scary, but it's YOU, and if it's YOU then it obviously can't be too bad. Just don't feed it after midnight and mentally wack it with a newspaper when it says something you REALLY don't like. That's what I do!

Sasuke:

Sasuke: What are you talking about. Do you have a curse seal?

Sakura: What? No, of course not! It's just- It's- NARUTO, BACK ME UP

Naruto, scratching his head: Um. I mean I get what you're saying Sakura-chan and, like, yeah I've got one of those too, and it isn't exactly a CURSE seal, but it's- special circumstances, dattebayo? I'm not sure I'm a good example.

Sasuke: What. What are YOU talking about??

Sakura: No Naruto, that sounds like a PERFECT example. See, Sasuke? Even dumb NARUTO has a bitch voice in his head. Like- you get those headaches sometimes, right? When it gets so angry it SCREAMS at you for NO good reason and you just have to politely pretend it's not happening so you don't cause a scene at dinner?

Naruto:

Sasuke:

Naruto: I mean. That HAS happened to me before with Iruka-sensei, yes. Totally forgot about it though.

Sakura: See Sasuke? It's super manageable, even if it IS a hassle. And you've got me to help you with it! And Naruto, I guess. Maybe Kakashi-sensei, but he seems like the type to get touchy if you ask about it.

Kakashi, appearing when he hears his name: Touchy about what?

Sakura: Um. Oh. Well. Aha nevermind-

Kakashi: Oh, well now I'm interested Sakura-chan!

Sakura: ....promisse not to get mad.

Kakashi, lying: Of course! How could I get mad at my cute little gennin?

Sakura: Ok. So Sasuke's freaking out about the super-angry-mean version of him in his head now, and I told him that he'd be fine because EVERYONE has voices like that, his just got louder, ya know? But I said that maybe we, um, shouldn't tell you, because you seem like one of those people who pretends to get all freaked out when we talk about having evil voices in our heads since we're old enough to know not to talk about stuff like that out loud. Sorry I promise I was just trying to make Sasuke-kun feel better and-

Kakashi:

Sakura: Right! Right. I'm sorry we can pretend I never mentioned it haha. But Sasuke.....like you can talk to Naruto and me.

Naruto, not understanding much but understanding THAT: You BETTER, bastard, or I'll BEAT it out of you! That's what teammates are for.

Kakashi:

Sasuke: ...hn. Fine. If you both insist.

Sakura: =)

Kakashi, softly as the kids walk away: whatthefuck

[tora-the-cat]

Team 7 is sooo MESSY its insane that ANYONE can hate Sakura but accept the rest of the bullshit like u can't just split hairs like that......YES the fake confession was very bad. But wouldn't be teem 7 if they weren't fucking each other over constantly <3 Literally like an hour later Naruto is PLANNING A DOUBLE SUICIDE WITH SASUKE AND SASUKE SMILES AND SAKURA SOMEHOW DECIDES THIS COUNTS AS TEAM 7 GETTING A HAPPY ENDING. They are BONKERS. That is the POINT what's not clicking???

[tora-the-cat]

Sakura gripping sasuke's shoulders so hard they creak before he enters the courtroom: do you have your flashcards. Do you remember your lines. Do we need to go over basic respect again. Are you sure I can't just transform into you and make your case myself

Sasuke: isn't that illegal

Sakura: oh so now you suddenly care about the law?

Sasuke:

Sakura: ..yes it is but that law was made when the Uchiha ran the police and could tell with their sharringan. Not like anyone's gonna do that NOW.

Sasuke: hm. Funny that.

Sakura: shut UP we clear your name first and THEN we can actually do things that matter.

Sasuke: so my potential execution suddenly doesn't matter?

Sakura: DO YOU HAVE YOUR FLASHCARDS OR NOT

Sasuke: GOD fuck fine YES I have them now get out of the way or I'll be late. Is that what you want you want me to be late I can't WIN with your crazy ass

(Three minutes later, Sasuke on the stand)

Kakashi, loopy on painkillers I'm preparation for the obvious oncoming migraine: ....and how do you plead?

Sasuke, setting his note cards on fire and turning on his sharringan: guilty on all charges, obviously. The real question is how YOU, as the citizens of konoha complicit in atrocities and wars and countless horrors in your name, plead

The jury: 👁👄👁

The courtroom: 👁👄👁

Sakura: *foaming at the mouth and being physically restrained by Tenzo*

Naruto:

The konoha 12: thats what I thought you'd say you dumb fucking war criminal

Naruto: 😭🥰😨😍😰😘😱

Kakashi, very relieved he's a dictator: well then I've heard enough. You're free to go =/

[tora-the-cat]

I simply think it's funny that Hiruzen came back to life and Orochimaru was literally just chilling. Grown past hate and grudges into apathy does not have the energy to care about this crusty old man any more call that character development. And Hiruzen is bitter but also pleasantly surprised because maybe Orochimaru forgave him =)? But it would be objectively funnier (and better) if, in direct contrast to that, when he sees Tsunade and hears that she's hokage and he's so proud and goes to say hello and she throws him directly at the juubi because she's spent the past three years dealing with the absolute monstrous headache he called a "legacy" and "best friend" and "totally not a state ordered genocide at the hands of a 12 (NOT 13 WHAT THE FUCK) year old". Call THAT character growth!!

[tora-the-cat]

Okay so listen. Obito did see himself in Yahiko that’s why he had to make the guy kill himself. he did see himself in Itachi, that’s why Itachi had to kill do massacre. the point is that he needed to prove, over and over and over again (to himself), that EVERYONE was bound to end up like him. That his descent into entropy and apathy and insanity isn't his fault, or even Madara's, or even anyone's. He needed to demonstrate that the futility of life to everyone, even- ESPECIALLY- if he saw his younger stupider naiver self in them. that’s why Naruto being. Naruto. is SOO incomprehensible and paradigm shifting to his disassociated ass.

Like  he saw Yahiko talking about peace, rolled his eyes like the 17 y/o he was, and went "Tall words for someone that  would kill themself to save someone you love. dumbass. cant make a single sacrifice lol wheres your peace now? stupid." And then a few years later he saw Itachi claiming to be a pacifist and nodded condescendingly and went "yeah sure. anyway I’m gonna kill your teammates, help you do a genocide, and then let you join my emo band =) oh wow whats that? you know you’re like the only person strong enough to stop me but are actively planning your death via fratricide cause you  can't live with yourself anymore??? lmao pathetic. Just as i thot loserlord'.  And then he sees Naruto. promising he wont let his comrades die. and he rolls his shoulders and crack his knuckles like "Oh ok sure i know how this goes. Easy peasy =)" and kills off dozens of Naruto's comrades and mocks him for not being able to save them and dares him- as he had EVERYONE else in his hopeless position- to  look him in the eyes and say with his whole chest that this wretched  world is worth living in. Fully expects Naruto to crumple, like EVERYONE ELSE Obito has EVER talked to.

And instead Naruto stands back up and rallies his remaining allies and keeps loving and caring and claws his way up to Obito. and he says "uuhhh actually you're a bad person bestie. And this is all real. And your fault. And you know that. And YOU'RE The REAL loserlord get rekt" like it’s one hit after another from this blonde brat and Obito's standing there like *white guy blinking* *girl doing math* like this has been his go to strategy for years. foolproof. It worked on everyone from Nagato decades ago to Kakashi literally five minutes ago. And instead naruto spits in his eye and tells him to maybe chill. what else could he possibly do but listen at that point.

Like Naruto being the kid of his past Sensei and also Kakashi's student (where Kakashi had trained his students on bby Obito's stupid naive ethos, no less?)? The fact that he wasn't wearing his mask- any mask anymore, people were saying his name (that IS his name, right? he's like. 97% sure), MADARA is back in all of his insanely-triggering glory, the pressure has NEVER been higher as he enters the final stretch of his plan and all of his defense mechanisms are crumbling around him and- and honestly, I feel like it's fair to say that Naruto spitting in the face of The Abuse Tactic That Has Worked On Literally Everyone Else (Including Himself AND MADARA) and saying that he- Obito Uchiha, real person who's actions have consequences- needs to cut his shit out was like. Absolutely a catastrophic blow to his mental house of cards and essential to him crumbling in a way that didn't leave him a screaming-crying-writhing-having-a-panic-attack mass on the floor of the battlefield, but as far as just breaking him full-bar like. it was the straw that broke the camels back. if that makes sense. Like only Naruto could shatter his delusion in a way that ended up being good and working well. But at that point like he was already hallucinating Rin his psyche was not long for this world sduhfsi