Iâm experimenting with posting some very short flash fiction or fic on here, so have some three page nonsense. Canon compliant BMC, written because I respect adult swim. Featuring the Homestuck zodiac, Jeremy unable to do captchas and the SQUIP updating its privacy policy. Read more for length.
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Jeremy perked up, looking up from his homework on the desk. âWait, really?â
No, I just said that to get your attention. Aw, man. The SQUIP tapped Jeremy on the head, making him scowl and duck away. It was still a little weird how the pill could do some funky robot magic and make Jeremy see and feel as if it was really there. Sorry, funky robot science. All magic is just sufficiently advanced technology, right? If you knew Newton as well as you knew Asimov you would be answering number three correctly.
Whoops. Jeremy bent over his paper again to erase his answer, but he was unable to keep the smile from his face. No more Googling questions. No more begging the equally clueless Michael for answers tomorrow morning. It was a supercomputer. It was made of math. And physics. Jeremy looked it up.
But when Jeremy picked up his pencil again to valiantly pretend to solve the question, he found the page blank. Completely blank, without even eraser marks or dust. More magic. âDoes this mean I donât have to do anymore homework?â
Now that your Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor has been operational for...the SQUIP mimed checking a watch. Jeremy was beginning to discover it was a little extra. Fifty four hours, I have determined that it is a suitable time for you to partake in a short questionnaire and sign our Terms and Agreements.
âYou have a Terms and Agreements?â Jeremy tried to push himself away from the desk, but it was as if there were two fifty pound shackles weighing down his legs. He couldnât even budge them. âHey, I have to go to the bathroom!â
Focus. This will be quick and painless. Yeah, if by painless you meant taking away all sensation in his legs. It felt like he had sat on them too long and they had fallen asleep. Just sign your name at the bottom of the page.
âThis is my physics homework,â Jeremy said stupidly. He looked down at the page again, and tried crossing his eyes to see if it would magically turn back into his homework again. No dice. âMom always said never to sign anything before reading itâŠâ
Yes, and your mother left you. Now sign. Donât forget the captcha.
Before he could think too hard about it, so he wouldnât think too hard about it, Jeremy quickly scribbled âJeremiah Heereâ discreetly in the margins of the page. He blinked, and in the center of the page four images manifested. He silently circled the images that held stop signs.
Then he blinked again, and the image started swimming. His eyes hurt looking at the paper, and Jeremy groaned a little as he rubbed his eyes. For some reason, he couldnât tell how many stop signs were in the pictures anymore. Stoplights? What had he been looking at?
Excellent. Your value has a person has risen .5%. The SQUIP waved a hand and the images disappeared, until the paper was blank again. Jeremy had no idea what just happened, or why he had to wait a whole two days after very enthusiastic activation before signing the terms and agreements. Or why he wasnât allowed to get up. Now that youâve agreed to data mining your brain - hey! - I have some quick questions for you. Answer these to the best of your limited ability. There are no wrong answers.
âIs this a test?â Jeremy sunk lower in his seat the best he could. He had just been trying to do his physics homework. âI thought you said that you were going to take my tests for me from now on.â
Relax. Itâs just a personality test. Iâm getting a baseline of your personality in case it changes later. Itâs like a concussion baseline impact test.
âOh.â Jeremy paused. âAre you going to tell me the right answers?â
Youâve caught the hang of this, the SQUIP said approvingly. It clasped its hands behind its back, looking just like a stern punk rock schoolteacher. Donât worry. Itâs relatively painless.
âRelative to what?â
Spinal nerve stimulation. Most things were painless in comparison to that. Now. What kind of thing do you like?
This was going to be easy. âVideo games!â
Wait for me to finish the question. This is multiple choice. Oh. What? A. Milk. B. Soy Milk. C. Water. D. Empty cup.
âI like lots of other thingsâŠâ
Write down your answer on your paper.
âThis is still just my physics homework. â
It is now your personality test examination. If you are capable, stop being annoying.
âSorry.â Jeremy bent down and fastidiously numbered one on his paper. He was lactose intolerant, so he put down B. Was that what it was asking? Didnât it already know he was lactose intolerant? âWhatâs the next one?â
You are in a dark room. Do you A. find the door. B. find the window. C. go to the window. D. go to the door.
âWait, that doesnât -â
If youâre incapable of not being annoying we can fix that.
Jeremy put down D, since just finding the door or window didnât seem like enough.
Do you like A. Music.
Jeremy waited, but it didnât say anything else. He silently put down A.
How would you react to seeing a human suffer? A. Strong. B. Calm. C. No change.
âWhat kind of test is this?â Jeremy cried. âI donât like seeing people suffer!â
Then put down A. Iâm not going to help you.
He put down A, wondering what this was supposed to be saying about him.
On a scale of one to two how many times a month do you lose it? A. Just once a month? B. Two or three times a month?
More than two or three times. Jeremy put down a ten.
Do your best bird call.
âI thought this was multiple choice.â
This oneâs free response. Write it down.
Jeremy wrote down, âtweetâ.
Do you do a prank call? Y or N.
Definitely N, except for that one time.
My SQUIP is an A. Home. B. Prison. C. Pyramid. D. House.
For reasons he didnât consciously understand Jeremy began putting down B, before he hastily scratched out his answer and wrote A. Home was nice. Home sounded good.
My motivations are A. Good. B. Bad. C. Truly terrifying on a fundamental level.
âOkay, I think Iâm done with this test.â Jeremy put his pencil down. âJust score me as-is. I donât want to do this anymore.â
His breath caught in his throat, expecting the SQUIP to argue with him or call him names again, but it just shrugged. It snapped its fingers and Jeremyâs writing disappeared, and his boring old physics homework came back. He had never been so happy to see physics before.
Really, it felt like it hadnât been asking him any questions at all. There were no questions written on the paper, and no answers that made sense. Without looking at it, and without any other cue from the SQUIP besides a mysterious smile, it was as if nothing had happened at all.
Jeremy liked that, so he continued thinking it. The homework was half-completed, worked incorrectly but always answered right, and he looked back up at the SQUIP with an uncertain smile, trying to see if it was mad at him. Its face was blank, eyebrow barely quirked upright, and it felt like an unpleasable teacher who marked every question wrong. It felt a little like his mother, endlessly criticizing, until the two swam together in his mind and Jeremy found himself with a desperate wish for it to display any sort of affection at all.
âBack to physics?â He asked hopefully. He had signed the paper and taken the test and everything. âAnd letting go of my legs?â
You couldnât finish the test, so I can see you donât need me for the rest of today. Iâll shut down now. It snapped its fingers, expression placid. See you tomorrow, slugger.
âWait - what about my legs - !â
By the time you finish youâll have regained feeling. Probably. The circulatory system is adaptable at your age. We can talk about keeping to commitments tomorrow. Bye!
Then it blinked out, with his legs still unmoving and his homework still half-done, and Jeremy wanted to call it back. He wanted to finish the stupid test because he wanted help with his dumb math homework, and he didnât know why cheating was so hard. It was supposed to make everything easy. That was the point of cheating.
Oh, well. Jeremy could apologize in the morning. And do better, so it would help him with his homework again. Maybe he could get a question right next time. He bent down over the paper, ignoring the ache in his legs, thinking absentmindedly about stop signs without understanding why.
