“What lends sense to life [i.e., the poet’s life] is not transitory happiness but the acts of ‘saying,' of internalizing and transforming into language all that is in danger of being made superfluous by a functional, machine-run civilization: ‘What is it you urgently ask for if not transformation? Earth, my love, I will do it."
- Rainer Maria Rilke
as quoted in 'The Age of Atheists: How We Have Sought to Live Since the Death of God' by Peter Watson
Summary: That’s horror-movie shit!
Warnings: One brief mention of self-harm ideation.
Author’s note: With this update, Tenuous is OFFICIALLY FINISHED, extra content and all! Stay tuned for future works following the events of this book!
His arm stuck out to disable the alarm clock three minutes before it was set to go off. He'd slept like shit, fading in and out of consciousness, but it wasn’t as if that differed too much from the norm. Too adjusted to garbage, he thought as he threw the duvet back and set about fulfilling his typical morning routine.
Kuro Braav was a simple man in the morning.
Shower.
Get dressed.
Eat a minimal breakfast and down at least two cups of coffee.
Brush teeth.
Get out the door while tugging his shoes on.
The same checklist was run through in his head as he cycled through the days like clockwork. The day he stopped was the day he died - and the older he got, the more he hoped that such a day would come soon.
The coming of Spring shimmered along the cobblestone, the morning sky a pallid minty green. Huron never lost much in terms of its wildlife, but different things bloomed at different times; the Fall petals were beginning to close, making way for a greener, more lush variety. A little further into the season, the district would be teeming with vivacious renewal once more, crisp auburn tones exchanged for the emerald shimmer of life.
As soon as he entered the precinct, a sense of equilibrium returned to him. It always felt as if he could place himself a little better in the Universe when he was at work. At the very least, he knew he was necessary there. It made him feel a bit less like an empty vessel floating around in the ether.
More coffee, not enough coffee, his mind moaned, feet already shuffling in the direction of the break room before he could comprehend what he was doing. He'd barely been awake for half an hour and he was already on his third cup. It really made him think about what qualified as 'an adult with his shit together' - or it did for as long as it took him to add his usual milk and sugar.
"Morning, Sheriff," Jack said as he moseyed into the break room.
"Mornin'," Kuro greeted mellowly, his lips pressed to the rim of his mug. Even without the gift of foresight, he knew what his co-worker was going to ask based on the look he gave him.
"Rough night?"
"When don't I have a rough night?" he muttered, trying hard not to seem too glum. It was up to him to maintain the energy of his precinct; if he trawled around feeling sorry for himself, it would infect his colleagues and their sense of morale, demotivate them far more than any words he could say. "... I slept poorly. But! Tha's what caffeine's fer, eh?" After taking a well-timed sip of his coffee, he turned around to leave. "I'll review what needs doin' today in a few. Fer now, just busy yerself."
"Sure thing."
If there was one thing he could appreciate about Jack above other employees, it was his simple nature. He didn't try to impress, nor did he try to offend. Passive, some might have said, though Kuro would argue he just had a good sense of how to mind his own business. It was a skill that some people could have used a refresher in.
His keys were retrieved, his office door unlocked and pushed open as if it weighed a ton. The black-out blinds swathed the room in a comforting darkness, though he knew he'd have no choice but to interrupt it. Lazily meandering towards them, he pulled the string taut to let light seep through-- and subsequently almost jumped out of his skin when he turned back around.
"Fuck!" he exclaimed, spilling coffee all down himself as an all too familiar figure sat perched on the edge of his desk. "You-- Cthugha--" He flailed briefly before putting his mug down on the desk, desperately seeking something to mop himself up with. He settled on an old scarf he'd hung up in his office several years ago and never worn since. The scalding heat was quick to seep through his shirt, leaving him in a confounding mix of discomfort and pain. "Wh-What the fuck--"
"Good morning, Kuro," Cthugha said, his face characteristically unreadable as he watched the sorry sheriff mop uselessly at his front, grey eyes set into a narrow squint. As if such a fact amused him, one corner of his mouth twitched upwards, a mischievous smirk the finished product. "I didn't know you were so easy to startle. I reckoned ya'd be harder to scare."
"Y'scared the shit outta me! How long have y'been sittin' alone in the dark'a my office like a-- I don't fuckin' know, like a goddamn stalker? That’s horror movie shit, Cthugha!"
"Approximately a minute," Cthugha replied, his legs swinging gently. "You're punctual. I like that in a man."
"Oh, I'm sooo glad," Sheriff Braav remarked wryly, eyes rolling with such force that he was surprised they remained in their sockets. After a moment longer of furious scrubbing, he gave up, throwing the scarf onto the floor. "I don't like y’lurkin' around like an axe-murderer."
"Hm." The rifter paused to rub at his chin, sapphire eyes seeming all too interested in the ceiling. "... well, I did figure that. But it was either waiting here or waiting on your doorstep like some stupid love interest in one of those corny movies. I figured this was the least offensive option for both of us."
Kuro groaned, both hands pressed to his forehead as reality slowly sunk in. If he was being honest with himself, he knew that that little fucker had taken at least some pleasure in the idea of frightening him like that.
"It's been four ‘n’ a half months," he said slowly, his head struggling to catch up with the events that had unfolded so quickly. "Why're y'here now?"
"Well…" Cthugha's face fell stony, body leaning forwards, his hands steepled beneath his chin. "... I actually need your assistance."
"A--Another apocalypse…?" The dread was quick to make his mouth run dry, a deep unhappiness stirring in his gut. His chest tightened as he watched Cthugha nod, the motion tight and sombre.
"'fraid so."
There was a beat of silence in which Kuro stared helplessly at him, asking a million questions with his eyes alone. Oh God no, not again. I barely recovered from the last time the world was resting on my shoulders.
… and then he witnessed Cthugha's eyes turn up, amused crinkles forming beneath them.
"I'm fucking with ya. No apocalypse. "
"Asshole…!" Kuro growled, glaring harshly when Cthugha laughed and hopped down from the desk, arms tucked behind him. He was back in that strange outfit that he'd first met him in, the end of his long coat melding into the black of his pants.
"But I do sincerely need a favour, man to man," he said, sobering up in what felt like a nanosecond. "I'll explain more if you're game."
It wasn't as if Cthugha had owed him a visit, especially not with how little they'd known each other come the end of their otherworldly objective, but he'd still been a little hurt by the lack of communication over the months. One would think that somebody who could teleport at will, appearing in places he desired in mere seconds, could have found even a few minutes to check in with him. Instead, he'd received radio silence, and had signed off on the idea of ever seeing him again while playing ‘will I, won’t I?’ with a razor. It wasn’t Cthugha’s disappearance that had made the blade so tempting to him that morning as he shaved - but the sudden realisation that he’d likely never be coming back had not helped him stay clean either.
"... depends on what y'want," he said, the words gradual, a clear wrestle between scorn and compulsive servitude.
"Ya don't have a spare office around here, do ya?"
"Does this qualify?" The office adjacent to his had been vacant for as long as he could remember. ‘’A strange energy’’ was a phrase he recalled floating around the precinct for a few months before talk about it diminished completely. He'd never felt threatened by the empty box across the hall though - and he'd argue that his tolerance for all things occult was even lower than his most people’s. "'s the only one that nobody's in."
"It works," Cthugha said mildly, leaning against the desk with his head tipped back. His eyes were scanning dutifully across the walls and empty shelving units, as if weighing up just how much he could fit in it. "If it's vacant then it works." There was a pause before he shrugged. "Besides, it's bigger than I'm used to," he said, eyebrows raised as if distinctly impressed.
Kuro blinked in surprise. "It's a box."
"A big box, to me. Ya should see my pod back at the CC. It’s practically bed-sized."
Yes, if anybody knew '’a box’’, it was him. He'd learned to count his blessings long ago when it came to space.
"... then tell me what fer."
"Well, I need a place to stay whenever I'm occupying Huron, right?"
He said it as if it was common sense; as if he was offended that Kuro was asking him to explain it to him.
"Occupyin'," the Sheriff parroted, an eyebrow raised high in silent question. When Cthugha didn't immediately say anything, he groaned, hitting the back of his head lightly against the glass pane behind him. "Cthugha, goddammit, explain--"
"I decided I like it here. I wanted to stay a little longer." His eyes averted then. "Ya don't understand my situation back in my realm. I didn't have the choice to come back until recently - and as soon as it was possible, I jumped ship 'n' came. Sorry for the radio silence 'n' all, but that's the way it goes. Unfortunately."
Kuro frowned. Was he content with that? Was that enough for him? After four-- almost five, if he was being more accurate-- months of silence, did he want to help him? He felt almost bitter about the way things had ended, though he couldn't pinpoint why. It wasn’t as if he was owed anything; and even if he was, could anything come close to the act of saving the world for free?
“... y’can’t live in an office,” he decided on, his expression pensive.
“I won’t live here,” Cthugha replied, frowning deeply. “This will be a pit-stop between point A and point B. I can teleport freely, remember.” He paused, worrying his lower lip between his teeth for a few seconds before he continued: “... I’ve been looking to get away from the CC in some capacity for a long time now. I can never leave permanently, but this? This I can do. It took a little while for me to put all the pieces into place, to be able to do it, but this is my window.”
“Why d’y’wanna get away from it?”
“It’s just bad, Kuro.” He sighed deeply, and there was that sage quality that didn’t often come with people who looked as young as he did; an almost eerie balance between youthful exuberance and elderly melancholy. “There’re bad things ‘n’ bad people back there. I want as little to do with it as possible. Will ya just believe me?”
Kuro didn’t know anything about the Continuum Command, but this was a largely different impression than the one Cthugha had initially left him with. It had felt as if he’d spoken with pride whenever he’d referred to where he came from, seeming almost smug about the confusion it had caused everybody-- Annalise in particular. Was he really so petty that seeing her frustrated was--
“... fine,” the rifter said softly, the pride seeping from his body in one dismal rush. The sheriff already had a foot or so on him, but he seemed even smaller now. “Fine. No more jokes, no more bullshit. I’m asking for help. I want to get away from these bad people, ‘n’ I would appreciate it if ya’d help me do that, please. At least sort of. I know ya don’t understand why it took me so long to visit, ‘n’ this is a big favour to ask of somebody that I barely know, but I feel like you’re the only person I can...” He paused, the next obvious word provoking a wince. For just a moment, he looked deeply unnerved. “Anyway... I’ll… do whatever ya want in return.”
“Uh--”
“If I’m gonna have an office in the precinct, that means we’ll see a lot of each other. That means I can help ya with cases, right?”
“Cthugha, this ain’t how job-seekin’ works--”
“I’m not job-seeking, idiot--” He pinched the bridge of his nose, a little too hard. This was not the cosy reunion he’d hoped it would be. Kuro seemed more combative than he remembered. “It’s a trade-off. I don’t want to be a police officer. Being a temporal assassin-- a doomsday destroyer-- is much cooler than that anyway.” He gave him an impish smile, trying to distract himself from the fact that he’d all but begged for something just a moment ago. “But I can be a killer part-time consultant. Huh? I’ve already introduced myself to the precinct. I solved the case I said I came to solve. I think they’ll find me reputable.”
Sheriff Braav resented how much sense his points were making. Within any other context, this would all be ridiculous, so stupid; the equivalent of an over-eager true crime fan attempting to weasel their way onto the force pre-emptively. The precinct at large hadn’t seen the effects of Cthugha’s work ( not the true ones, anyway ) but the naysayers had decreased significantly when the ‘’delusional sideshow’’ had suddenly returned with twenty year old remains in tow. Not even their skepticism had been able to argue with those results.
“... I dunno, Cthu. This all seems a li’l too... sitcom.”
“Just give it a shot,” Cthugha said imploringly, shrugging one shoulder in a way that made him look almost bashful. “Ya never know. Some sitcoms are good.”
Kuro scoffed, arms folding over his chest. “Name a good sitcom.”
“Uh… the one where… uhhh… Idontwatchsitcoms… cantevenlieaboutit…”
Kuro stared, disappointed but not entirely surprised, before giving way to a slight chuckle. It was soft at first, though it caught up with him like the wind, becoming a full-blown laugh before he was even fully aware of it. By the time he’d calmed down, he felt lighter, more at ease.
I can’t believe I almost turned him away out of spite… what the hell is wrong with me?
I just want a brain that works.
“Yer an idiot,” he said, head shaking, smile fond. “‘n’ in spite’a that, I missed havin’ y’around.”
“Sooo, I’m your consultant now, is what you’re saying?”
“... maybe temporarily. If I can find some bullshit excuse to ‘’require’’ yer services. I ain’t completely sold on this insane idea yet,” Kuro replied, hands gravitating to his hips, fingers tapping gently against the faux-leather of his belt as he thought about it. Being in control of the precinct was a power that he’d never abused in any meaningful way before. He didn’t think that giving somebody who had proven their worth to the HTF a chance to work for it in a more official way was crossing any lines… but he didn’t want a potentially bad decision following him around either. If Cthugha could prove himself useful as a team member, then he could think about extending the duration of his ‘’job title’’.
‘’Consultant’’… consultant my ass. We’re cuttin’ corners here - so why don’t I give more of a shit about that?
“But I gotta know I can rely on you. We need a schedule’a some sort. Y’need t’work in a team. Y’need to learn t’be more patient ‘n’ follow protocol.”
“Ugh… ya had me at the start, but all this other stuff...”
Kuro frowned sternly. “‘s not negotiable.”
“Fine, fine! I will… try,” Cthugha mumbled, scratching at the back of his neck. He wasn’t sure what he’d just agreed to, at least not in full, but if it got him what he wanted then he supposed it was a necessary evil. There was always an undesirable side to the things that people desired - nothing was entirely golden. Trying not to deter himself, he puffed up his chest and grinned wide. “I’m a keeper of time! That means I’m never late - and I manage my ticks well. I’m dependable. I can do it. Especially now that I’m mostly recovered. I’m even stronger than I was.”
“Horrifyin’.”
“Yeah... yeah! I can kick some serious ass now.”
“Again, horrifyin’.”
“It’s not horrifying - it’s cool!”
But he dreaded to think how thin he could potentially be stretching himself with both police work and apocalypse-busting to tackle. Oh well… it couldn’t be any harder than his current job. By comparison, seeing the occasional dead guy and performing the odd night shift here and there would be a welcome change of pace.
“Well, we’ll--”
Sheriff Braav was interrupted by the door opening suddenly. “Who’re you talking to in the creepy office? Do we need an exor--” Officer Rigsby fell still in the doorway as his eyes landed on Cthugha. The silence was broken by him suddenly lighting up like a Christmas tree, dashing over at a dizzying pace. “Cthugha?! Y’came back!”
“Uh--”
Wren’s arms flung out wide once he was close. The rifter rose to his haunches, seeming prepared to leap off of the desk much like a cat.
"Come any closer and I'll scramble the order of your life events!" Cthugha squealed, fangs bared as if he was a cornered animal. Wren doubled back so quickly that he almost fell over, arms pinwheeling comically as he fought to maintain his balance. In the centre of it all stood a dead-faced sheriff, smelling of coffee and regret.
“Sorry, sorry-- I-I’m a hugger--”
“I am not,” Cthugha hissed, his tail whipping behind him like a kite string caught in a gale.
“I forgot!” His attention was quick to shift though, with the immediate peril out of the way. A huge smile consumed his face, hands curled around either side of his jaw. “It’s been months! Where’ve y’been? I guess you’re busy, huh?” There was no reasoning with him at this point, his excitement overpowering as he suddenly stood up straight with a gasp. “Oh, I gotta go tell the others! Hang tight! Y’can explain everythin’ when we’re all here!”
“No, wait!”
“Wren!”
But it was too late - the man had already bounded off like an excited puppy, leaving the office door slightly ajar. Everything had happened so quickly that Cthugha hadn’t even been able to correct his stance, still hunched on all fours like a particularly lifelike gargoyle. Slowly, he clambered down from the desk, blinking hard.
“... I guess you’re really stuck with me now?” he said, equally as bewildered as he was smug. “I mean-- c’mon. Sending me away now would be like telling a kid that Raku’s not real. You’re gonna break his heart like that?”
“... Christ. I guess I got a lot’a paperwork t’sort out,” Kuro muttered, dragging a hand down his face. It was too early for this level of energy. He felt as if he’d already hit his ecstasy-quota for the day-- perhaps for the week. He pointed a finger seriously at him. “Do not make me regret this, shortstack.”
Cthugha bounced happily on the balls of his feet, clapping loudly. “I won’t! Probably!” He grinned wide when Kuro squinted and wagged his finger. “I’ll even let ya get away with calling me that as a sign of thanks, big guy.”
“Oh, how thoughtful of y’...”
Before he could make any further snide remarks, the sound of footsteps quickly approaching stole his attention. Cthugha was right about one thing: for the foreseeable future, at least, he was stuck with him.
He couldn’t find it in him to be too unhappy about that.
see which other fics i’m reviewing this month! / my review request post!
this is one of my favourite fics in the fandom. it has DID!neil and features a really great relationship between him and aaron, and him and andrew. i love their style of writing. please read this fic
I want to start and just say that this is one of my favourite fics, and by far one of my most-reread fics. i love so many parts of it, but most of all i love the tone of this fic. it shapes all the sentences and gives it something that makes it so special. it makes me feel something and i love this glimpse of a softer neil who really is trying his best.
parts that stood out to me:
”he considers this. this week has been full of nightmares… and it’s making the lines blur, part of him terrified and the other parts struggling to control it. ‘neil,’ he decides. he’s too anxious to be anyone else.” i really like this because it does a great job of introducing the idea of neil’s different identities, but, more importantly i think, how similar they are. because really, they all originated from the same person and likely share traits and emotions. the idea of the transition between identities being blurry and motivated by his fear and trying to protect himself is well explained. you also are able to establish some of the main characteristics of neil.
”he keeps waiting for her to sound like she doesn’t believe him, for her to tell him that he’s lying for attention, but she hasn’t yet” i think this is really interesting because we really don’t see much interaction between betsy and neil in the series. i like that, even though you imply they have an ongoing relationship (aka that this isn’t one of the first few meetings) you still communicate neil’s underlying wariness of her, of his tendency to always expect the worst of people
”last time she saw him was two weeks ago; last week it had been nate sitting in the chair, sullen and mostly silent” this does a good job in showing that while these are both still ‘neil’ (as in, his body), they are still considered to be two different people. it’s always interesting for me to see how DID is portrayed in different stories, and i like that neil has an understanding of what happened while nate was ‘in charge’ (for lack of a better word)
”she has a cup of hot chocolate in front of her, probably from her previous session” anDREW??
”his skin crawls at the admission. he’s trying to get better at telling the trust, but it makes him feel-exposed, like he’s offering his head on the chopping block.” i love the way that you describe this. it gives me a great look into neil’s perspective and also i am immediately so interesting in learning about what his childhood was like, how similar it was to canon, how ingrained lying is in compared to in the books.
”that’s why his uncle is forcing him to go to therapy, he guesses” woohoo! for some reason i really enjoy fics where stuart takes care of neil
”’he lives with his brother,’ he says, slowly, trying to pick out how he feels. ‘i haven’t-i haven’t interacted with him much. so i’m nervous about that.” okay so i don’t know why, but i like this sentence. something about the wording that you use feels so right, i can so clearly hear the way that neil is saying this. i like the way that you break up what he says. that, and the short sentences changes how i read this dialogue in a good way
neil recognizing right away that andrew is not aaron? amazing! what were andrew’s thoughts when this happened? it seems that he is at least interested enough to not immediately scare neil away (although i’m not sure if neil can be scared away)
”he shrugs, a bare twitch of his shoulders. he doesn’t know when he stopped tapping his thigh, but he starts up again, still looking at the figurines. ‘i just. don’t know what to expect.’” and also the bit on neil’s reaction to betsy suggesting that he ask aaron what to expect. i really like these lines because they feel so real. the dialogue feels so natural
”betsy’s voice remains gentle as she persists; she has learned that although he appreciates firmness in his friends, his therapist is an entirely different matter” ooh this is great. i like that neil has so much self-awareness in this fic
”the bee on the shelf is nearly translucent; he can see through it into the dark stain of the wood. he splays his hands across his thighs, hard, the curves of his fingers lifting off his jeans. ‘yeah,’ he whispers. he becomes aware of a creeping heat around his jaw and ears, a weakness around his upper arms.” okay so this is one of the paragraphs that is really memorable to me. i think it’s because i really understand how neil is feeling. the focus on the bee, the awareness of heat and what his hands are doing, the fact that he whispers in response.
”he likes that she knows when to stop pushing. he likes that she remains patient with him, although he rarely stays stays for the entire session and talks tiltedly about his past. he sinks into his chair and nods.” i think this is probably the reason that he has been able to continue going to therapy (other than stuart forcing him) because on some level, he knows that betsy will be respectful of him and that he can trust her.
”he lets out a breath and glances away; he had been hoping that he would be able to leave without speaking up agian. ‘uh,’ he says, and stops. it takes him a moment to remember what she had been talking about.” oh. this is something that happens to me so often
”[andrew] flicks his fingers at neil as he passes by, carefully skirting around him. it might be a shoo. it might be a hello.” ahh!! this is really cute. although neil might not realise it, i think it’s telling that andrew even acknowledges neil outside of their usual cafeteria interaction
”he represses the urge with a shudder, unsure of the reason for the impulse” woah i really like this.
okay i don’t want to copy down all of it, but this interaction between andrew and neil in the cafeteria is so amazing. it’s in all the little things, neil grabbing a fork instead of a spoon, andrew cutting his pizza, “‘granola bars,’ andrew repeats flatly”, neil’s memory of the tacos. but most of all i love the part about the brownies, and how the intentionality of them changes everything, how it feels like a shift in their relationship. these boys are so interesting because they’re so intentional with everything that they do, to other people this gift would not be quite as significant. i love the way that you write andrew and his mannerisms. “that makes andrew pause; the scraping of his knife stops, then begins again”, “andrew says slowly, each word deliberate”,
”he chews another strawberry and licks at the bit of yogurt that had smeared across his lip, kisses it off his thumb” ahh this little detail is one of many that really adds to the fic. it’s not necessary, not really, but it changes something. makes it better. i am able to picture the scene so much more clearly when i see these little things that are happening during this conversation.
”he’s good at picking up languages, finds school-taught spanish to be challenging but not impossible, not after learning two languages through immersion and terror” ah i love this, i think a lot of fics write neil as just having a natural affinity for languages, and while that may be true, i think that a lot of it is due to the immense amount of pressure he must have been under to become fluent.
this scene is great because it’s our first real glance into seeing neil and aaron together (and katelyn and marissa). you do an amazing job at establishing the easy relationship that they have, complaining about homework together, and helping each other out. the familiarity of them is shown through the coffee orders, the way that they all just invite themselves over to neil’s place and he lets them
”’andrew drinks whiskey?’ neil asks. it’s the only thing that catches his attention. whiskey, from what he remembers, smells like rubbing alcohol and burns like ice on its way down” okay first, so so cute to hear about neil’s interest in andrew and how he associates him with smoke and chocolate. second, neil, you walking tragedy, i bet you only have had whiskey as a way to dull pain and clean wounds
”aaron flicks his gaze toward him, a little surprised by the interest” i like that you used flicks! no idea why, but i like it!
LOL AARON TALKING TO NEIL IN BAD SPANISH BECAUSE HE WANTS TO TALK WITHOUT ANDREW LISTENING IN. i love that we really get to see Neil Oblivious Josten at full force here. ahh i like so many sentences in this scene, i just can’t explain why. your writing is just so easy and wonderful to read.
boo! so precious, i love her so much.
andrew! picking up food for neil! ahhh it’s so cute and it’s really in tune with the way that andrew shows his care
”’yeah,’ he echoes, swallowing the taste. ‘no syrup’” woah this is so lovely
”(he still glances up when andrew crosses into the living room again, and if his gaze lingers because andrew is eating one of the marbled brownies-well. neither of the twins are looking at him, anyway.)” i really really appreciate the use of parentheses here and the tone that it helps create
”neil doesn’t feel up to shrugging, yet, so he looks at andrew for a moment longer before closing his eyes and tilting his head against the back of the couch.” ahh okay this, and the parts before just on neil’s kind of dissociation is really familiar to me. you do a great job of describing it, putting words to something i have only ever felt before
”the sink turns on; water smacks against the bottom of its metallic basin. it feels-well. it just feels” OKAY THIS IS MY FAVOURITE PART OF THE WHOLE FIC. which. i know is kind of weird, but i think of these sentences so so often. the last two sentences resonates with me so much, the description of the water is so vivid, i can hear it so clearly in my mind.
”aaron curls two fingers around the back of neil’s shin and pulls it forward, and neil follows the movement, stretching his legs into aaron’s lap. aaron keeps his hand on neil’s ankle, below the rolled-up hem of his sweatpants” ahh it’s so nice to see these casual displays of affection between aaron and neil, it really shows how close they are, especially given both their childhoods
“the bed-sharing is something that makes neil feel safe because it reminds him of his mother, who had spent sixteen years trying to keep him alive, and nate is-well, he is not entirely his father’s son, but he is very much not his mother’s” you do a really good job of explaining the differences between neil and nate and why they exist and i’m curious as to what nathaniel is like. ruthless, i would guess, and cruel.
”andrew huffs in what could be a laugh or what could be derision. ‘and you calling aaron the street is meant to be you asking nicely?’ ‘yes,’ neil says, unperturbed. ‘it’s all in the tone.’” the dynamic that you have between andrew and neil is so well established
ANDREW AND NEIL AND THE CIGARETTE honestly it kills me each time i read this part, everything that andrew does is so deliberate and well thought out, at least on the outside. i’d love to see what he’s thinking
”he is no longer thinking about his mother. he is thinking about andrew” AHHHH
”another two cars pass through the street in the time that it takes for the cigarette to burn down to his fingertips. one of the cars is from this house” there’s this sense of detachment that fits the tone of the writing and the way you write the characters so well. it matches the kind of
”what’s up with you and my brother? aaron had asked two days ago in his kitchen, and neil realizes, with a kind of dizzy swoop in his stomach, that if aaron asks him again, he might have a different answer” oh my goodness what a wonderful way to end this fic.
i love the idea of aaron and neil having a friendship like this, the easy relationship that they have. i wonder, how much does neil know about tilda and how much does aaron know about mary? they’re so similar in certain ways and i love that you explore how this brings them together, instead of breaking them apart. and andrew in the middle of this all. it’s always interesting when aaron does the protecting. we know he’s capable of it in canon, with drake and everything, but this feels different. softer.
i’m always interested in neil with DID, it seems like exactly the kind of coping mechanism that he could have fallen upon, because we all know that Neil I’m Fine Josten is really the expert in repression. i’d love to see more of this, especially a scene where andrew has a chance to meet nate. i’d be curious what his reaction to that would be, without thinking too much, i would say he would be suspicious or feel threatened?, but when i think about it more, i’m unsure. they’ve shared so many lunches together, andrew knows that neil would never hurt aaron. but i guess, nate is not neil.
oh and i love your aro/ace neil. this representation is so important, and it always makes me feel good when it’s included.
the way that you write is so immersive, i feel like i’m actually there with the characters, and everything else kind of fades away. your characterization is wonderful and i love the way you describe everything. i would love to see another part to this series, if you are still working on it. i keep coming back to this fic and each time i do, i fall in love with it, over and over and over. thank you so much for writing this!!
